-/-

Missy Saxon wasn't a superstitious person by nature, but part of her kept wondering when everything was going to fall apart. For so many years she had been convinced she was cursed, that love and happiness were things she wasn't meant for, after all everyone she had ever loved had been taken from her or she had been forced to leave behind and then John Smith came along. He may not be everyone's idea of a heart throb, even though his credentials were better on paper there were probably twice as many bad points to offset the good.

So what if he was rich and quirky good looking, and brilliant and famous to a certain degree? He was also fucked up beyond recognition, had stumbled from one relationship to the next, was emotionally dense and had some major unresolved PTSD. Missy knew that if she still had any of the traditional girlfriends that they would have warned her off a man like John Smith, that man was not a fixer upper he was a full on restoration project.

Well Missy knew she wasn't without faults the only difference between them was that Missy hid her hers better; John was the more open of the two of them, as impossible as that was to believe. Oh he was still impossibly dense about it, for a genius he was incredibly stupid when it came to feelings but he was trying. His feelings were written all over his face and the way she would catch him looking at her sometimes…god Missy would have sworn her heart would stop in her chest.

He loved her, Missy knew it, she had no doubt about it and yet despite knowing this and knowing her own feelings she still hadn't told him she loved him. Perhaps it was self-preservation or fear but Missy had come to the point of saying it so many times and then hadn't. Now she knew she was waiting for him to say it first, waiting for John to be the one to take that first step, not because she feared rejection per say but because she needed him to be the one to take the lead for once.

Missy had pursued him. She had seduced him. She had offered him her mind and her body and John had greedily accepted both. Well if he wanted her heart then this time he was going to have to be the one doing the hard work. Her resolution seemed to be working John had never been more attentive, every time she looked up from her desk the latest bouquet of flowers would catch her attention and Missy would smile. And the sex…the sex was incredible…a little too incredible for her 9-5 business hours but after their recent dry spell Missy was not going to start complaining.

Missy was certain that in the next few days John would finally say those three little words and then she could say them back.

Or at least that was the plan until Mary barged into her office during a consultation telling her that her John was calling from the hospital and Missy felt like she was going to be sick all over her desk.

Not John she couldn't lose him too and suddenly it didn't matter who said it first Missy couldn't bear the thought of John Smith not knowing she loved him, that she was in love with him.

Of course her panic abated significantly when John said he was there because of a friend but then the damn phone had cut out and Missy had been left without answers. She didn't know if he was hurt at all or if it was serious or if he needed her. There had been precious little chance of Missy being able to concentrate on any of her clients after that and Mary had been a trooper, her secretary had promised to handle the fall out, had told her to get in a cab and go.

It had seemed so simple and moving had seemed to help at first. Only now Missy was here, in a hospital again….god even the smell was the same and that turned her stomach for whole different reasons than just fears for her lover. Scent was a powerful memory enhancer and with every rushed step that Missy took through the sterilised hallways it was like a step back in time to past that Missy had tried very hard to forget even existed.

The hospital itself was a maze and Missy had found herself getting lost at least twice before she spotted the signs for MAU, which as if to just make her feel twice as senile was practically by the main entrance, once again she praised whatever foresight she had possessed in choosing flats this morning her normal heels would be killing her by now.

"Hello can you help me?" Missy paused by the nurse's station outside MAU, "I am looking for my boyfriend he is here with a friend; John Smith…tall grey haired…frowns a lot and flaps about."

At first the young nurse seemed bemused by Missy's description but then recognition broke across her face and Missy felt something tense in her stomach uncoil slightly.

"He's probably in the waiting room, just down there on the right." The nurse explained before adding helpfully. "If you could tell him that visiting hours aren't until seven this evening it would help."

"Oh has he been making a pain of himself?" Missy quipped.

Wearing a polite smile the nurse clearly didn't want to say something she shouldn't but it didn't take Missy's psyche degree to work out John must have been making a nuisance of himself. "Don't worry I'll tell him. I'll try and get him to go get some food should get him out of your hair for a bit."

"Thank you and its fine really." The nurse added clearly worrying she had probably let too much slip and afraid they might complain. "It's heart-warming to see that Miss Oswald is lucky to have such a good friend."

"Yes…yes she is." Missy replied as if by rote, the once easy smile now fixed painfully to her face as she turned and marched her way down the corridor to the waiting room.

Clara…he was here with Clara…no wonder he didn't mention just who the friend was on the phone.

Now Missy really wanted to be sick either that or beat something to a bloody pulp. Fucking little Miss Clara Oswald, Missy should have known that impassioned speech about letting John go was all an act. Just how long had John been back in contact with her? That was if he had even broken off contact, he had never mentioned his ex but then Missy had never really asked. John didn't like to be reminded about how they got together whilst he was still officially with Clara, oh he finally told his friends about her but Missy knew that John still felt incredibly guilty and uncomfortable with the knowledge he was a cheater.

Approaching the waiting room Missy paused she could hear voices inside…voices that were not exactly being discreet and one of which that Missy knew as well as her own. The other, the other was a mystery but Missy assumed it belonged to the young black man whose back she could just about see from her place in the corridor.

"If Clara has something so important to tell me that you think I need to sit the fuck down then she can tell me herself." John's familiar voice echoed out into the corridor and Missy pressed herself against the wall to hear the quieter calmer reply.

"Look Doctor I promised her I'd do this, right now she doesn't want to see you ok…"

"Yes for which I have your word as proof." John snapped back and from the sound of agitated footsteps he seemed to be pacing up and down rather than sitting as the other man had requested. "So did you even talk to her about talking to a professional?"

"No…"

"God you are useless just let me go talk to her."

"For fuck sakes Doctor just shut up and listen!" This time the young man did raise his voice and it stopped John's pacing.

"You wonder why she doesn't want to talk to you herself because you don't bloody well listen, well you have to because this time there is more than Doctor John Smith's ego involved ok, there might be a kid…a poor innocent baby that might be unfortunate enough to have you for a father…or sorry should I say sperm donor because let's be honest that's all you really are."

"What?"

The shock and horror in John's voice matched Missy's feelings….Clara Oswald pregnant…No No No this couldn't be happening. It was like watching a house of cards collapse in slow motion, everything Missy had been working for and hoping for falling apart around her. Reaching out she steadied herself against the doorframe the world around her suddenly tilting and Missy closed her eyes to fight of the affects.

"Oh so you are capable of listening then?"

"Yes…No…No…this is not possible." John insisted. "It can't be mine."

"Are you calling Clara a liar?" There was no mistaking the growl or the way the younger man advanced on John that violence was imminent and yet it was at this moment that John noticed her.

"Missy!"

Hearing her name called Missy slowly dragged her eyes from the floor watching as the young man turned around dark eyes raking over her shaken form before turning back to John. Clearly he knew who she was so he had that advantage but right now Missy didn't particularly care. For a moment he almost looked sorry for her but then that sympathy vanished and he turned back to glare at John.

"I suspect you've got some fast talking to do." Danny Pink muttered yet there was little satisfaction to be had in this, not even if two of the most selfish people in London got their comeuppance.

"I'm going to sit with Clara; someone should be with her when she gets the test results. And don't think you're going to be able to weasel your way out of this one Doctor when it comes to child support. There are tests that can prove paternity you know even if you decide to fight it and I'll be there every damn step of the way at Clara's back. I may not know jack shit about being a Dad but I will be damned if this kid loses out on one the way I did."

-/-

"You lied to me."

"I didn't lie." John replied his mind still reeling from everything Danny had told him...him a father, the very idea filled him with… right now he wasn't exactly sure what he was feeling but it wasn't the heady joy that others might feel in the circumstances.

Sinking down shakily into the waiting room seats John could feel his whole body trembling; this would change his entire life. John knew that despite Danny's assertions, that he would raise the child if John bailed, that this was not something he could just wipe his hands of. He had been an abandoned child, he knew how that felt and how he still carried the scars of his mother's rejection, the inability to trust or to let people in, to depend on anyone but himself…No John would never knowingly put an innocent through that, regardless of his own feelings or lack of fitness to be a father.

Rubbing his hands over his face and then sliding them up to tug nervously at his hair John finally lifted his gaze from the floor to see how his girlfriend was taking this bomb that had been dropped on them. If Clara was pregnant, and John forced himself to cling to the notion that it wasn't a certainty yet, well it would impact on more than just him. He may be the biological father even if Danny seemed determined to take on the day to day role, but if he was going to be involved in this child's life than that meant Missy would be too.

This wasn't just about him anymore, it hadn't been for a while, and although John was finally ready for a real relationship at last, for trusting someone enough that their happiness was the foundation of his own…he wasn't certain he was ready for this…that they were ready for this, and the thought that he might lose Missy over a past mistake that was what really terrifying him.

"Missy please come and sit down."

Missy was still frozen barely inside the waiting area, her face a mask that showed nothing on the surface and yet that was more telling than if she was raging at him. Underneath the surface Missy was probably in turmoil and John winced as he could only imagine the issues this was probably forcing to the surface…her own lost child…her inability to carry another one…

It was bad enough that he might…might have knocked up his ex but that the hurt was hitting his lover in such a personal sore spot was something John wished he could take away.

"I am sorry." John managed to find his voice, pushing himself up from his chair and slowly approaching his girlfriend who still continued to stare at nothing as if he hadn't spoken.

"I can't imagine what you must be thinking or feeling but I swear I had no idea…"

"Spare me." Missy muttered refusing to meet John's gaze, she could feel the fury bubbling under her skin just itching for an outlet and right know John Smith had a bullseye painted right over him. "Do you really think you can continue to take me for an idiot John?"

"No but Missy…"

"Don't…Just don't!" Missy insisted turning away from him and pacing towards the large window that overlooked the busy car park watching as everyone else went about their lives blissfully ignorant whilst hers was slowly falling apart. The man she loved had hurt her, it may not have been deliberate but it hurt just the same.

Yet what hurt worse was the knowledge she only had herself to blame. She pursued John suspecting if not knowing he was involved with someone else, she had chosen to turn a blind eye when he had promised her there was nothing between him and Clara any more. She had wanted to believe him, had wanted to deceive herself into thinking that she was special which was why John could be so passionate towards her and yet could happily ignore a very gorgeous twenty year old when she was readily available to him. So she had fallen for one of the oldest lines in the book. God she was such an idiot.

"I just can't believe you lied to me. You told me you weren't sleeping together."

Following Missy to the window John stopped just behind her, his hands moving to rest on her shoulders relieved when she didn't immediately push him away. "I didn't lie…I said we didn't share a bed and we really didn't…I slept on the sofa in my study and…"

And he was still trying to pull the wool over her eyes; that was what really pissed Missy off right now. Turning she glared up at her boyfriend, her blue gaze cold as ice as it bore into his stormy greys. "People do not make babies sleeping in separate rooms John."

"It was once Missy, one time I swear it...After the publishing awards, you remember those surely, where you asked me out the same night you met my girlfriend. I had too much to drink and Clara put me to bed and I guess things just happened, I doubt I was particularly impressive I didn't even really remember it in the morning." John snapped realising that those words were a mistake the moment they fell from his tongue as if Missy's gaze was icy before now it was positively artic.

"You don't get it do you, what I am really upset about." Missy scoffed barely resisting the urge to slap John Smith around his arrogant face. "As bad as the idea is of another woman carrying your child I am upset that you lied to me AFTER we had slept together. You didn't have to do that I wouldn't have held it against you if you were still sleeping with your actual girlfriend, but you let me think there really was nothing left between the two of you…"

"Yes and you accused me of lying as I recall but I wasn't, I really wasn't, by the time we were together there was nothing between Clara and me save one drunken mistaken a few weeks before that wouldn't have even mattered if..."

"If you hadn't knocked her up!"

"Potentially." John corrected her. "We might be worrying about nothing."

"Believe me the baby is least of my worries right now, I'm standing here wondering just what else you have lied to me about John? Whilst I had no proof of it I was able to convince myself it didn't matter but now I do how am I supposed to trust anything you say?" Missy finished her fury burning itself out as the pain of being betrayed took over. "I trusted you, I believed you, I thought I was special…"

"Marsaili please."

"Don't you dare…don't you dare call me that now." Missy hissed like a scalded cat her blue eyes wide with horror. Her real name was something special, a name John used when they were being intimate or wanted to be especially close, for when they opened up to one another, and for him to use it here and now…

"Please…Please just listen." John repeated his hands grasped her waist so she couldn't storm off not like this, he couldn't let her leave.

"I know you are mad as hell and nothing I am saying is helping any and you have every right to leave and no good reason to stay but you have to believe me you are special, you are the most important person in the world to me and I need you…I need you." John repeated shaking her gently. "You brought light back into my life, you give me a real reason to get up in the morning and just the thought of seeing you every night, of holding you whilst you sleep and knowing I will wake up beside you in the morning…Marsaili that is everything…and I…"

Swallowing down the urge to say the words he has been wanting to for a while now John knew that he shouldn't right now, even if it was true, this mess was not what he wanted Missy to remember when he finally told her he loved her…if she ever gave him the chance to say it?

"And If you tell me you can't do this…if you want me to choose…"

"Don't…just don't, that's not fair." Missy looked up at him horrified. "If you want to bail on your child then do it on your own conscience don't place the blame on me."

"I'm not…That's not what I meant." John replied catching her chin between his fingers. "You know some of what my childhood was like you know I won't be bailing on anyone no matter what Danny said. I know how it feels to have the people who should love you and protect you leave you like you mean nothing and I will never inflict that on a child no matter how much of a selfish bastard I can be. I can support Clara financially and I can find a way to be a father, but that doesn't mean you have to be involved. I'm not so emotional stupid that I can't see what this is doing to you, how much you are lashing out because of what happened to you and how this must feel like…"

"Being stabbed in the guts you mean." Missy sneered the ice in her blue eyes thawing slightly, or perhaps it was just something in the air because her vision became a little hazy. Her head was pounding.

With his fingertips John gently brushed away the tears that suddenly clung to Missy's dark lashes. "You need me to prove that there is no one more important to me than you and believe me I will find a way no matter how long it may take."

"Stop it John you cannot make promises like that." Missy pushing his fingers from her flesh, even now his touch on her cheek made her weak, made her want to throw her arms around him and believe his promises that he could make everything alright.

"I can and I will if it means I never have to risk losing you." John insisted knowing the moment Missy began to waver, perhaps it was that some of the resistance seemed to leave her body, or perhaps it was her eyes that told him. "And I don't, not ever."

"Sorry to interrupt." A sarcastic voice cut in, yet it was obvious from the tone that the owner couldn't care less about interrupting them. "I just thought you would want to know…."

Turning expectantly John kept his arm firmly around Missy as he turned to face the accusing glare of Danny Pink. Let the younger man glower all he wanted Missy needed him right now and John wasn't about to withdraw whatever little comfort he could give her. "Well?"

"You're off the hook old man." Danny answered his nose wrinkling as he studied the Doctor for any obvious signs of relief, surprised and guiltily a little disappointed when the older man seemed not to react at all. "It came back negative." He added wondering if the Doctor simply hadn't heard him.

Nodding John wasn't sure what he was feeling, relief was a significant part of it but concern was there as well, concern for Clara as clearly if she wasn't pregnant then there had to be some other explanation for her symptoms and concern for the trembling woman in his arms. Missy had been put through the emotional wringer just as much as he had today and unlike him when it came to babies she was far more sensitive…

"Do you really have nothing to say?" Danny taunted the god damn statue in front of him.

"How did Clara take the news?" John asked choosing to ignore Danny's baiting.

"She did a high kick and a cartwheel." Danny replied rolling his eyes. "How do you think she took it? She's relieved she's twenty five she doesn't want to be saddled with her cheating ex's kid!"

"And the doctors did they find anything else in the other tests?"

"She's anaemic." Danny answered grudgingly annoyed when John nodded knowingly. "They are going to give her a blood transfusion and then put her on an intrave…"

"…intravenous iron therapy…" John finished for him earning him another glare from Danny but by now John was feeling all but immune to them.

He wasn't going to be a father after all…he hadn't fathered a bastard…and it surprised John just how much that still meant to him even in this day and age when it seemed most children were born out of wedlock.

"Well I suppose that's you off then." Danny commented. "No need to stick around anymore now you know you're off the hook. Just leave other people to pick up your mess as usual."

Stepping forward the urge to finally teach the younger man a lesson about running his mouth off John was stopped by Missy's hand on his chest. "Take me home."

His focus back on Missy John nodded settling for glaring at Danny. "Of course whatever you want." He insisted taking in her pale face and the way Missy's hand seemed to tremble against his t-shirt.

"You people make me sick." Danny muttered in disgust under his breath. "I need some air." And with that he turned and stormed of the waiting room and disappeared along the corridor.

Leaning on John Missy allowed him to escort her out of the waiting room and down the corridor back towards the main entrance passing the entrance to MAU and the now vacant nurse's station.

"Actually Darling I really could do with a coffee first." Missy wasn't sure what made her say it, what made her give in to the itch underneath her skin that she had been doing so well at ignoring for nigh on ten years.

Perhaps it was the adrenaline coursing through her or perhaps the fear and anger curdling in her stomach that screamed for an outlet.

If John was surprised by the sudden change or the endearment falling from Missy's lips he didn't show it. "Are you sure coffee is the best idea?"

"Well it's a hospital I doubt they serve anything stronger." Missy replied and a relieved John smiled hesitantly.

"Alright we'll go via the coffee shop first…"

"You go." Missy insisted glancing back over her shoulder to check…yes it was still empty and if she was going to do this then it had to be now. "I need to visit the powder room."

"Sure Americano alright?" John checked pressing a relieved kiss to Missy's forehead before rushing off to get into what was probably a sizeable queue.

Waiting until he was out of site Missy moved, with quick determined strides she made her way over to the nurses station, her brief sojourn in the NHS before quickly moving into private practice at least meant she was able to find what she was looking for quickly. The bed rota was as obvious as ever, the familiar whiteboard with bays and patient names written in bold caps so the rotating staff could keep track.

OSWALD, CLARA BAY 2

Smirking Missy quickly retrieved an ever ready pair of plastic gloves, slipping them on before grabbing a clipboard and snagging an abandoned stethoscope. No one ever questioned a person with a clipboard in hand.

Brisk steps took her through the ward, it was feeding time at the zoo and most of the staff were busy sorting out the varying patients who could and couldn't have food. Bay two was conveniently a little inside the entrance to the ward and the curtain was pulled around to give the occupant an illusion of privacy in the noisy environment. Ducking inside Missy was able to stare down at Clara for a good few seconds before the dozing girl had even realised anyone was there.

"I'm sorry I really am not hungry." She muttered sleepily, the powerful meds the Doctors had just started her on since pregnancy had been ruled out was making her a little woozy like they said they might.

"Hello Clara." Missy greeted her rival surprisingly cordially a bright smile playing about her lips as Clara blinked open her eyes in disbelief.

"Marsaili? Wha…how…"

"Oh don't go straining that precious little noggin of yours any pet." Missy cooed as she stalked closer striking quickly and knocking the alarm button out of reach, her hand clasping Clara's and squeezing. "Now it's just us let's have a little girly chat shall we?"

"Marsaili…Ow…you're hurting me." Clara tried to prise her hand free, it was the one with the needle in the back and she was squeezing it.

"And by chat I mean I chat and you listen poppet." Missy continued as if Clara hadn't spoken her blue eyes bright as they bored down on the powerless girl. "Now I don't know what fucking game you think you are playing but it stops now, you lost poppet remember, I won and just because you are all sad about it does not mean you can go about making up stories and starving yourself to try to get attention."

Shrinking back into her pillows Clara knew she could call out, knew she should call out, there were people just outside the curtain who could come in at any second and yet her voice just wouldn't come. There was just something about those eyes that held her in place, they looked at her and through her and they were so cold that it froze her.

"Now I am prepared to be generous and let this go just as a wee little favour because I am such a nice person but I promise you if either John or I hear from you ever again, if you approach him with any more little sob stories I won't be so lenient. Ok?"

Trembling Clara could only wince as the grip on her hand tightened again.

"Ok?" Missy prompted her savouring the way those large brown eyes filled with tears.

Nodding as tears spilt down over her cheeks Clara shuddered as the other gloved hand reached up to pat her cheek gently.

"That's a good girl." Missy added releasing the girl's hand and curling her nose at the bloody mess the dislodged needle had caused. "Oh dear look at the mess you made Clara. You'd better get someone to sort that out and don't you be spilling our little secret. It's our secret girl pact remember?"

Shaking Clara could force herself to nod again, she just wanted her to leave, her head was spinning and the sight of her blood was making her woozy and oh god she was going to be sick. Leaning over the side of her bed Clara vomited what little was in her stomach, the sudden movement making her feel faint even as she heard feet rushing towards her she couldn't stop herself from falling…falling…

No one saw Missy Saxon slip out of the ward. No one saw her dispose of the bloody gloves in the hospital waste bin along with countless others.

Only John Smith saw her as she joined him in the coffee shop looking flushed and he was so relieved that she smiled at him that he didn't even think to question what had caused the sudden change in her mood.

-/-