Short, short, short! I apologize again... life has been shitty and I haven't got a lot of time to write. I hope you guys like it though! R&R!
(Also, sorry for the repost. I saw some mistakes and fixed them.)
I walk briskly out of the graveyard, not looking back, ignoring the tears blurring my eyes. I stop, close my eyes, and take a shaky breath. In, out. In, out. That's what I used to tell Kurt when he had panic attacks.
Mollified, I open my eyes and continue walking. I make it to my car and open the door, hopping in and driving home. I discreetly open the door and close it as quietly as possible. I pray no one hears.
"Blaine?" I hear my mother call.
"Shit." I mutter under my breath. My mother traipses down the stairs, her curly hair bouncing with each step. I take a moment to look at her. People say we look almost identical; we've got the same hazel eyes, and curly, jet black hair. She wears hers shoulder-length, pushed behind her ears. They also say she looks much younger than her forty-six years; she'll smile and thank them politely, but I can always see the slight smirk she wears.
"Where did you go?" She questions. Rolling my eyes, I say,
"Mother, I'm eighteen. You don't need to constantly know where I am." She noticeably stiffens and snaps,
"Just answer the goddamn question, Blaine." I wince slightly at her profanity; she only curses when she's had a particularly bad day, and I'm really not in the mood for any of her crap right now. So I tell her, unable to lie.
"I was visiting Kurt." She grits her teeth.
"Blaine, stop it with the obsession with that boy! He's gone, get over it!"
"Like you've gotten over Lisa?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
"Just… get out of my sight, Blaine." She hisses. I sigh, starting up the stairs, not noticing my loose sleeve slip down my arm. She gasps, and I turn around.
"What now?" Her eyes are widened with shock and horror and she's pointing at me, looking terrified.
"Mom?" I ask hesitantly.
"You… you…" She seems unable to speak. Then it hits me. I look down to my exposed arm, the cut glaring me. I purse my lips.
This is not happening, this is not happening, this is all some fucked-up dream, soon you'll wake up, in Kurt's arms, and everything will be okay. Not for the first time, I repeat this mantra to myself, over and over again.
"Blaine?" She says timidly. "How could you?" Her voice is so broken, so hurt.
"It's not what you think-"
"It's exactly what I think, Blaine! After everything that happened, with your sister, how could you do this? You know, better than everyone, how much this hurts everyone around you!"
"I just wanted to-" She cuts me off.
"Don't give me excuses, Blaine. You can't-" This time I cut her off.
"You can't tell me what I can and can't do!" I yell. She tries to interrupt, but I put a hand up to silence her. "Let me finish."
"I wanted to understand. I wanted to know why, they would hurt everyone they loved, who loved them, for… knives, and… and pain!"
"I wanted to know why they would sacrifice everything, for this feeling, this sensation, this addiction!" I let out a choked sob.
"But I hated it! I hated the way it made me feel! And I still don't understand! I don't understand how… how he could do this! How he could hurt me, and everyone!" At some point I had stopped talking about self-harm, and started talking about Kurt and what he did.
"How could he leave me, tell me! Tell me why I couldn't do anything, why I have to be such a screw-up that I couldn't save my boyfriend, I couldn't save my sister, I couldn't help anyone!" I'm screaming, and my throat is red and raw. Tears are steadily streaming down my cheeks.
"I want to understand!" I shriek shrilly, hysterical. "I want to understand!" My mother walks over to me.
"Come here, baby." She murmurs. I look at her. She hasn't called me my childhood pet name since I came out. "Come here." I let her take me in her arms and I just cry into her shoulder. Cry because I still don't get it. Cry because I don't know how to fix anything. Cry because nothing's getting better. Cry because I just want things to be normal, and I know they never will be again. Cry because my father doesn't love me, and Kurt and Lisa didn't love me enough to not abandon me.
"They left me." I whisper brokenly.
"Shhh." My mother replies. "It'll be alright, baby, just cry." We stay like that for a long time. That's the first time I knew, that with all of her faults, my mother really loved me. And she was the one who would never, ever leave.
