Chapter Eight
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The next morning Remus woke up with a resolution to go and apologize to Severus. He wasn't entirely sure if he'd apologize for everything, but the least he could do was saying he was sorry for making Severus look like a fool in front of a student. But of course, that was easier said than done, and two days later Remus was still gathering up courage to face Severus.
Remus watched his lover discreetly during meals, seeing the man was still sulking and mad and tried to convince himself there was nothing that would make Severus happy- well, slightly less grouchy, it was Severus Snape after all- than his apology.
Three days later Remus was starting to hate himself. This was ridiculous he thought; he was a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake! He faced far more dangerous things than this! And so, having finally plucked up the courage Remus found himself standing in front of Severus' door Wednesday after classes. He still wasn't entirely sure what he was going to say to the man but he knew the longer he waited the harder it'll be. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves Remus finally knocked,
"Enter." Remus pushed the door and entered the office; Severus was sitting at his desk, his quill poised and dripping with red ink, correcting students' essays. Severus lifted his head to see who was at his door and his jaw clenched. Of course he was still angry with Remus, not only did he humiliate him in front of a student, but Potter of all people. Besides, it's been three days and apparently Remus didn't see the need to come and say he was sorry beforehand. "Go away."
"Severus, please." Remus tried to stay calm and collected but if Severus was going to be childish and petulant he might as well turn and leave right now.
"Fine." Severus laid his quill down, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the man in front of him, "What do you want?"
"I want to apologize."
"You took your time." Remus sighed; of course Severus would resent him that too.
"I know, and I'm sorry." He said quietly, hoping his sincere tone would appease the dark man, "I sorry I lied to you." Severus' jaw tightened,
"So you do know what that parchment is." He stated his cold voice dropping like bricks of hate around Remus, gods he should have known it had something to do with Remus and that bunch of no-good ruffians he was hanging with during school.
"I do. But I can't tell you what it is," Remus said solemnly, his gaze fixed at the floor and thus missing the pinched expression that crossed Severus' face. "Just that it's not personal; the parchment is charmed to insult anyone who doesn't know how to activate it."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" No, seriously, was that Remus' idea of a proper apology? Secrets? Half truths? This was insulting.
"What do you want me to say, Severus?" Remus cried, yes this sucked in the way of apologies but damn it, there were actual lives depending on this one- his included and he couldn't tell Severus everything. Especially since the man didn't quite earn the right to know all of his secrets yet, and probably never will if he continue to treat Remus like a two-knuts whore!
"How about some honesty?" Severus hissed, banging his hands loudly on his desk and leaning forward to fix Remus with a glare. Remus blinked in disbelief,
"Honesty? You want honesty? Then how about this?" He snarled, "I love you!" Severus was slightly taken aback by the unexpected statement,
"That wasn't…"
"Of course it isn't!" Remus cut viciously through Severus' stammering, wholly fed up with having to pretend everything was hunky-dory while inside he was falling to pieces, "Love is a feeling and you hate feelings, right?" Severus clenched his jaw, why did Remus always go to the 'heartless bastard' argument whenever they fought. Just because he didn't wear his heart on his sleeve like some rowdy Gryffindor didn't mean he didn't have feelings! "Feelings are a weakness, and you hate to be weak. Well, guess what, I love you. Merlin help me, I don't know why but I do." Remus' chest was heaving as he got more and more into his speech, it felt so good to get things off his chest once and for all. "I love you, you prick, and I always have but all you want is sex and I just can't do this anymore, because every time we shag a little part of me dies when you don't care!" Severus visibly winced at hearing that, but Remus was in full swing now and he wasn't about to let Severus to be sympathetic or nice about things to make him feel better! "Well, you got your bloody honesty and now you can choke on it because I'm done!" With that he turned around and swept out of the room, leaving a shocked and perplexed Severus behind.
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Making the right decision and actually living with the consequences were two completely different things, Remus came to realize. For the most part Remus knew he's made the right one, but that didn't stop the yearning or the longing or the loneliness. What made it all worse was the fact that he was forced to see Severus at least three times a day during meals and that was pure torture.
Severus, of course, was showing no outer signs that any of this was effecting him in any way which only made Remus feel worse, because he couldn't say if it was all an act and Severus was suffering just as much as he was on the inside (oh Merlin, he hoped so!) or if he really was just a heartless bastard who didn't care for anything or anyone as long as he got his needs fulfilled.
Instead of allowing himself to sink into depression and wandering around the halls at night, looking sad and forlorn the way he did the last time he and Severus broke up, Remus decided to throw himself into his work, drawing strength from the youthful energy around him and refusing to think about Severus. He would use the responsibility he was given and made sure he was the best teacher ever- not that it was too hard, Remus knew that if the system worked both ways and the students awarded teachers points, he'd be on top. He tried not to let this sort of thing go to his head but it was nice to be appreciated for once.
Currently he was sitting with a pile of essays written by the second years and tried to make sense of them. Merlin, sometimes he thought Severus was right and those brats were simply un-teachable! Damn it! The whole point of submerging himself in work was that he won't think about Severus! Bugger! Lifting his head Remus nearly got a heart attack at the sight of the large brown owl sitting on the edge of his desk, its head cocked to the side as is the bird was actually listening to his muttered ramblings,
"What do you want?" Remus snapped at the bird, which looked far from impressed by his rudeness and simply reached its foot for Remus to grab the note attached to it. As soon as Remus freed it from its burden the bird took flight through the open door and Remus took his wand to spelled it shut, to avoid further unwanted avian surprises.
Reading the note his heart sank even further, and Remus was pretty sure Madam Pomfrey would find it in the vicinity of his knees by now. Dumbledore wanted to see him, for tea. Going to tea with your boss was never a good idea- they tended to ask questions you were never wanted to answer. What could Dumbledore possibly want with him? A dreadful thought crossed his mind, would he be fired? For the first time in his life Remus found a purpose he was willing to stick with for as long as he could but it turned out it was yet another dream. Dumbledore would be all polite and chagrined and Remus knew he'd buy the act because the old man was that good and that was it- by tomorrow he'd be back to doing nothing, having nothing and feeling like an even bigger failure than before. Why couldn't it be Severus who got sacked? Surely popularity should trump seniority?
By the time he had to go to see Dumbledore Remus worked himself into quite a state, at some point even considering begging and threatening to throw himself out of the astronomy tower just to keep his job, but in the end he decided against it mostly because it felt childish and anyway he was afraid of heights.
Knocking on the Headmaster's door Remus unconsciously straightened his robe before the cheerful voice of Dumbledore came from within. Taking a deep breath he pushed open the door open and entered the office, telling himself he'd accept his fate gracefully and whatever happens, he will not break down in tears!
"Remus, my dear boy," Dumbledore greeted his professor with a wide smile, gesturing for Remus to take a seat, "How are you?" He asked kindly,
"I'm fine sir." Remus answered stoically, his heart beating a mile a minute while he hoped he managed to keep a neutral expression on his face.
"What can I do for you?" Remus was taken aback with the unexpected question,
"Er, I don't know sir, you called me here." Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, his eyes twinkling behind his half-moon spectacles,
"Quite so," He agreed, his voice sounding far too amused to Remus liking making him feel like he's been left out of some private joke- a feeling a lot of people got when talking to the Headmaster, "I was wondering if you're happy with us here in Hogwarts."
"I'm fine." Remus answered tightly, trying to keep the lid on the words that were threatening to come out, but the silence stretched as Dumbledore waited for him to add something more and finally Remus cracked, "Have you gotten any complaints about me?"
"Dear me, no!" Dumbledore managed to sound both aghast and offended and Remus clenched his fists trying to keep calm, "You're quite popular amongst the students!" Dumbledore assured him and Remus let himself relax a friction, "I just like to know that my staff is content."
"I'm quite… pleased with the way things are going." Remus was still cautious, he had a feeling the other shoe hadn't dropped yet and he would do his damn best not to let it hit him on the head if he could help it.
"Good, good, then perhaps you wouldn't mind doing me a small favour?" And there it was, whatever that favour may be Remus just knew he'd be humiliated and resentful.
"What is it?" He asked cautiously, eyeing his boss wearily, because while Albus Dumbledore liked to pretend he was best friend with his staff, much to the chagrin of most of them he was still the Headmaster and could still get people sacked and Remus kept reminding himself of that fact.
"I don't know if you've noticed but Professor Snape seems to be having quite a hard time lately and, well, there had been complains." Remus found himself biting his lip to avoid from smiling but damn it! This was the best news he'd received in quite a while! So Severus did care, and he was affected by the situation! Severus' poor students must have been at wits' end if they went as far as complaining but Remus was feeling elated. A little part of his brain warned Remus he was still sitting in Dumbledore's office and punching the air yelling 'Yes, I knew it!' probably wasn't the best course of action. It took him a couple of seconds and a harsh biting to the inside of his mouth to get himself back under control,
"What does it have to do with me?" He asked, and suddenly a dreadful thought crossed his euphoria filled brain- what if Dumbledore knew about them? There wasn't an actual rule against teachers dating each other (and a good thing too otherwise none of the Hogwarts staff would ever have sex), but both he and Severus were very discreet about whatever they had going. Though, Dumbledore had a very unnerving knack of knowing pretty much everything that went down in the castle, and more importantly- meddling with whatever he felt was amusing enough for him. Oh, Merlin… What if this was the Headmaster's none-too-subtle way to try and get him and Severus back together?
"I was hoping you'd have a word with him." Dumbledore said calmly, his blue eyes twinkling again and Remus felt his jaw clenching, oh yes, definitely meddling where he shouldn't!
"Why?" He asked slowly, feeling the tightness in every muscle as he tried to stop himself from simply jumping up and storming out. If there was still a chance to save a shred of his dignity it was by sitting here and denying everything as calmly as possible.
"I was under the impression the two of you were friends. Merlin knows he won't care to hear anything I have to say." Dumbledore said easily, watching his employee shrewdly. No boss liked chaos amongst his staff and Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore was not a wizard that would allow such thing. He was smart and observant enough to realize that whatever was causing Severus Snape's bad mood had something to do with Remus Lupin, and right now, the easier path was to talk to Remus because even Dumbledore wasn't daft enough to confront a moody Snape without having all the facts at hand.
"I'm afraid I can't help you, sir." Remus said tightly, feeling the wolf trying to convey his feelings in a series of snarls and growls and did his damn best to keep it under control because growling at your boss will probably won't get you very far in any business. "Controlling the staff is your job, so unless you wish to discuss complaints against me, I would very much like to return to my work." For a long moment the two stared at each other, waiting to see if the other cracked first but eventually Dumbledore conceded defeat- if he wanted to keep at least some of his cards close to his chest there was no point pressing the matter, besides, he reminded himself, pushing a werewolf to a corner would probably end very badly for him,
"Very well my dear boy, thank you for your time." He smiled at the man, barely resisting adding 'run along, there's a good boy', but managing to stop himself just in time. Remus rose stiffly from his chair and made his way to the door, his back ramrod stiff and his stride long and purposeful. When the door closed Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and sighed- well, the easy way proved to be fruitless, which meant he'd have to tackle Snape next and right now he much preferred having to spend the full moon locked in a cage with Remus- with no wolfsbane potion.
