Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters.
Chapter 9
She is getting closer she knows because she can feel the warmth radiating from him. The thing is…that she now knows she always freaks out in the worst moments. She opens her eyes and she can see that Peeta is unaware of what happened the last seconds so instead of kissing his lips like she is sure she was going to do she gives him a small kiss on the cheek. He blushes immediately and her smile shows up on his face.
She jumps in surprise when she hears the steps on the wood floor. What the hell she was doing? What is all this supposed to mean?
She keeps wondering today. It's been a week from that and she's scared as hell.
She's never liked a boy before. She's never had feelings for someone who's not her sister and that's it. So these hand holding, being too close to Peeta and the incident on the dance scares her. It scares her way too much. She's tried to keep things normal with him. After all he doesn't know what she was about to do…she doesn't know what it means herself and even more important he's never trying anything with her so the one who must be wrong in all these must be her.
She's confused. This can't end well. She's getting too close to him. Way too close and she can't allow herself to do that…she can't allow herself to gain someone to lose him later and then become a shell like her mom. She can't do that. She can't afford to love someone and she doesn't even know if what Peeta and she have can be called that. So friends it is going to be. They are going to be friends and that's it. No more hand holding nor going to dances nor anything fishy. She must keep her distance no matter what.
He keeps acting normal and so does she. The only thing that has changed is that every time she feels like holding his hand she squeezes one hand with the other one to keep herself from doing it. No more kisses on the cheek either. That's not exactly a friend thing….not a thing she would've done before the lines started to blur. He seems to notice because it looks like he knows when she wants to do something but every time he just frowns for a little while and then everything goes back to normal.
XOXO
The dance definitely went better than he expected. He had even had a dance with Katniss Everdeen and even if it wasn't the dance he had always dreamt of it was equally good in a different way. It didn't finish with him taking her to her house and kissing her at the end of the night confessing his eternal love for her. No, it had finished with a slow dance and a kiss on the cheek that she had given him. Even better because it had come from her and not from him…and maybe it meant that she actually liked him…he could only hope.
But turns out maybe he was wrong because it's been two weeks since the dance incident and nothing seems to have changed. Well, nothing but her not holding his hand anymore and somehow keeping her distance. He doesn't understand. He had thought that things had changed but of course they had not. As he always did he had read more into the lines and now he was kind of disappointed. But they were still friends and they still talked to each other so all in all things were okay. He sighs.
Alli thinks that Katniss is just scared. Girls tend to do that did you know? It seems like he's very inexperienced because he didn't know that something such as having feelings for someone scared girls.
"Yeah yeah….we are complicated…the only woman in your life who is not is maybe Mallow and maybe even Prim…but they will grow up" she stated laughingly.
"But do you think that she likes me?"
"I know so Peeta….the thing is…does she know?"
"You think she doesn't know she likes me?"
"I don't think she knows she likes you…Hell! I don't think she knows you like her!" she says with an exasperated tone of voice.
"What? How can that be?"
"Girls can be blind too Peeta…we don't realize someone likes us as well as other people does…well…not every girl…there are some that kind of have a radar for that stuff…but as the usual things never apply with Katniss I would think that she has no clue Peeta"
He sighs sadly. If things are like Alli says he can understand why Katniss is freaking out. Girls are complicated. He groans. What is he supposed to do know?
"You don't do a thing" states Alli taking his soda can from his hand. "Chill out! Just give her some time until she figures everything out if you say something while she's confused and figuring out her stuff she will freak out even worse and God knows what she can do! Be smart Peeta….keep being what she needs…her friend! And when she figures out what she feels everything will fall into place I swear!"
"Okay" he says because what she's saying makes perfect sense. "You are right" he says and he hears her laugh.
"Peeta Peeta…" she sighs exaggeratedly "I am…always right!" she laughs and gives him back an empty soda can.
"You finished it! I had just opened it Alli!"
"I was thirsty! Stop whining I'll buy you another one!" she says.
"Sometimes I wonder why I am your friend!" he says grumpily.
"Oh shut up! You love me!" she says as she walks away. He just smiles. Yeah, he loves her.
XOXO
Peeta stops frowning every time she doesn't take his hand. He doesn't even try taking her arm or anything. He's back to how he used to be when they first started being friends and she doesn't like it!
"Make up your mind would you?" she tells to herself as she's stuffing things in her locker.
If she's learned something through years is that it takes a big amount of time and other things to build something with someone…any kind of relationship but relatively so little to destroy it. So little.
She's walking to one of her classes when she spots Alli sitting with Peeta in the art room. She's describing something to him and he is just nodding as he mixes some colors in a pallet he's got on his hand. Suddenly they start laughing and Peeta pushes her when she falls off the stool he pales and bends over but she just pulls his hand and he topples over her.
They are both laughing hard and both red faced from the exertion. She feels fire in her blood. She doesn't like what she's seeing but then again she's the one who said she just wanted to be friends with him.
They get up and start laughing again. They sit in their stools and start talking again.
"Keep your hands to yourself Mellark or I will tell Fern about this!" he starts laughing.
"Keep yours to yourself you are the one who pulled me to you" he says jokingly.
"Please don't tell Katniss! If she hears about this she's going to kill me! You are hers after all!" she says with a wink that she knows he can't see but that adds something to her joking tone of voice. Katniss gasps.
"Yeah…right…like if that would ever happen…she doesn't even know I…" he stays quiet. He sighs.
"Come on…don't choke on it…" Alli coaxes him.
"That I have been in love of her since childhood…that since I met her I like her even more….my childhood fantasies did not make her any justice…she's amazing…I just…"
Katniss' ears are ringing. She's gasping for air and her grip on her book bag strap has her knuckles white from the tight grip.
"When you tell her Peeta…" Alli says leaning on his side with her head on his shoulder "You have to fix the words" she says with a smile and he starts laughing.
That can't be truth. What she heard can't be real. He likes her since they were kids? No! He didn't say like her…he said loved her…he said he loved her since childhood…How? Why? That can't be real…it just can't. And Alli knows? What does it mean? Was that why he helped her when they were children outside the bakery? No! He must be lying! No one can harbor feelings for that long for someone he doesn't even know. And now that they know each other…was he all the time trying to get her somehow? Was he never honest with her? She stumbles a little knocking the lockers and the loud thump scares her. She starts running, looking back just once to see Alli's surprised and sad eyes from the door.
She knows she heard. She just hopes she doesn't say a thing.
XOXO
"What was that?" he asks and visibly pales. She knows what he fears.
"I'll go take a look" she says. And when she reaches the door she can see a familiar braid and the girl running away pale. She looks back and looks right into her eyes. She's telling her not to say a thing. And of course she won't…Peeta would freak out. It was not the way she was supposed to find out. She was supposed to hear it from Peeta when she was ready but not before because now as she sees her running away from there she knows she was absolutely right. Katniss Everdeen is freaking out and most definitely is about to mess things up.
Everything is about to get messy. She squares her shoulders and prepares for the blow that is to come. She shakes her head as she goes back to the class to tell Peeta that something probably fell, that nothing happened. Well, something happened.
XOXO
She's been acting weird. Weirder than how she was acting after the dance. He wonders if he did something…if everything is all right but he doesn't dare to ask. But today she's grumpier, she didn't come to have lunch at class with him and when she finally arrives she says hi with a whisper…as if she wishes he wouldn't hear.
As the time passes and Mr. Cinna asks them to discuss a topic Katniss has just grown quieter. The only sound he can hear is her stool scraping the floor constantly or her foot tapping the stool. It sounds like she's unnerved by something he knows she does that when she wants to get out of somewhere.
"Katniss are you okay?" he asks placing his hand on her back and she jumps surprised. He removes his hand immediately.
"I'm okay…sorry" she says but he knows she's not okay and he doesn't know why she's apologizing.
"You didn't come for lunch" he says and she sighs.
"I had homework I didn't finish…you know things to do…sorry"
"It's okay" he sighs. Something's up…if she would only tell him. The bell rings and she stands up in a hurry. He knows because she bumps into him.
"I've got to go. See you later!" she says and he hears her footsteps going away.
"What's up with her?" Delly asks. She came to take him to their next class since he's helping her with Rye. Yeah acting like a match maker is his new job.
"I don't know…" he says because he truthfully doesn't…he just wishes he did.
XOXO
Katniss has been acting weird. That much is obvious. She's not only been acting weird in general but to Peeta and Alli specially. She doesn't really understand.
"I am going to the center. Are you coming?" Katniss shakes her head. "Peeta is going to be there" she tries. If Katniss doesn't react to this like she always used to she will know where the problem is. And as she sees her sister stiffen she knows that the problem has a name. Peeta Mellark.
Katniss is like an open book to her…and how wouldn't she be if they've grown together and basically they've been what the other one had when everything got rough. She loves her sister…and that's why she knows that whatever happened has something to do with feelings and stuff. Katniss can go to the woods and hunt…she can do anything to make them survive…she can do anything. But understanding feelings and managing them…she can't. Prim sighs…sometimes she wishes they would have grown in a different way so her sister would open up more. So her sister would allow herself to love and to be loved back. She only hopes Peeta has it in him to fight for her. Because he sure as hell will have to… he may even have to fight Katniss herself in order to reach her.
First she's going to find out what happened.
XOXO
"Did you guys have a fight?"
"What?" he asks. It's been a long time since he last had a conversation or something with Prim. She mostly spends her time with Rue now.
"I asked you if you and my sister had a fight" she says and he can hear that she is kind of mad. He bets she's got her arms crossed over her chest and is frowning.
"No, not that I know of" he says truthfully.
"Then what is wrong with her?" she asks and he hears her seat heavily next to him. "She's been acting extremely weird…she didn't even want to come with me today and you know she likes to be here…she even stiffened a little when I said…" she doesn't finish. He guesses it has a lot to do with him and that's why she didn't finish.
"I don't know Prim…she's been acting weird…I know…I think she's keeping distance…"
"Well, you guys should talk…solve your problems whatever… I don't like how she's acting"
"I can't talk to her at school…she does her best to leave class as fast as she can so I won't follow and even when we have lunch she won't talk to me like she normally does…"
"I'll bring her here…she can't run away from you here…that's what I'll do…I will talk to her first and if it doesn't work well…then you'll have to do it here" he sighs. Forcing Katniss to do something she doesn't want to do is not a very smart thing but he doesn't know what to do so he guesses Prim will. Or at least that's what he hopes.
XOXO
"I asked Peeta if you guys were fighting…" Katniss is about to argue but her little sister keeps talking before she can. "He said no…but you've been acting weird Katniss…he says you are not having lunch like before with him and that you are kind of avoiding him…what's wrong?"
"Nothing" she sighs. Prim looks at her with a knowing look. If someone has a slight idea of what is wrong with her is her sister but how can she tell her little sister that she heard him telling Alli that he loves her? That she's not sure how she feels about it…because even when she tried to convince herself about them just being friends it didn't work. And that now that she's trying to keep her distance she just misses spending all her time with him like before but that she's not sure what it means. That she can just think what would happen if she allows herself to have that kind of feelings for him and then lose him like her mother had lost their father and then become a shell of her former self. She can't possibly say all these things aloud…she just can't.
"Well, if nothing happened Katniss…can you come to the center with me next time?"
"What?"
"Well, you say nothing's wrong. So would you come with me to the center?" she says. Prim smiles innocently. She sighs. She knows Prim knows her too well…and that she will have to go to the center. The thing is…what is she going to tell Peeta when she sees him? What is Alli going to tell her when she sees her? Agh! Life just got way too complicated!
When she arrives at the center she can see people sitting in couples in the tables. She sees Alli and as Prim runs to give her a hug she looks at Katniss and waves. Prim runs off somewhere.
"Hey!" she says when she reaches her.
"Hey" says Katniss avoiding her eyes.
"I didn't say a thing" says Alli out of nowhere.
"Thank you" she says sighing. Relief flows through her body. But how long will it last? She knows she will have to do something to solve her troubled feelings. She's just not sure of what now. "What happened to you wrist?" asks Katniss as she notices the several bruises that adorn her skin.
"Stupid step father is stupid…" Katniss' eyes widen. "I won't lie to you" states Alli simply. "Everyone knows by now…I rather tell you myself than someone telling you…gossip gets messy" she says with a knowing look.
"I'm sorry" she says.
"What are you apologizing for?" she asks. "For my situation or for keeping your distance now?" she asks truthfully.
"Both" says Katniss.
"You don't have to. For either you know? I understand how it feels to be confused and scared. I just wish you wouldn't have found out that way. It wasn't supposed to go that way. And well…the way you've been behaving is kind of…harsh!"
"I know…I'll just…try to make it better…" Alli nods.
"Come on Katniss! Peeta is over here! You can work with him!" She reluctantly walks to where the boy is sitting and takes a seat in front of him.
"Hi Peeta" she says.
"Hey Katniss!" he says and a little smile shows on his face.
She sits in front of him in silence for a while and looks at him. She said she would make it better. How is she supposed to do that when her feelings are still something she does not understand? She didn't know before that feelings complicated friendships. She did know.
XOXO
She's sitting in front of him now. And well, her attitude tells him what he's known for a few days now.
She knows he likes her.
He doesn't know how she found out. It really doesn't matter now. The thing is that she knows and he groans as he remembers Alli telling him that she would freak out big time if she found out before she figured out her feelings. That's exactly what's happening now. She's freaking out and her way of doing so is placing a shield around herself. He sighs. Inside he's freaking out too. But even freaking out he doesn't want to keep her away. What is he supposed to do now the she knows?
He's not even sure if he wants to do something. It's not like he can blame her for freaking out right? It's not like he wouldn't if he were in her place. She's colder and more calculating and probably every single part of her brain is screaming at her that she can't possibly like someone like him. He can't blame her…but it still hurts somehow. He decides that so long she acts like if she doesn't know he will too. He doesn't want to complicate things even more by saying something or doing something. It's not rational. What bothers him is that he's not a rational person…and sooner than later he's going to let his feelings lead and he's going to screw up. He can just hope that that happens later than sooner.
XOXO
She's been thinking really hard.
Feelings are a complicated thing. And she only wishes she could understand better the turmoil that's inside her. She likes to spend time with him, to talk to him, to hold his hand and even the idea of a kiss sounds compelling. One thing is clear and it is that she likes him…but going from liking someone to loving someone…there's a big distance and she doesn't know if she's there. She knows she can't be. She promised herself after her father died that she would never love anyone that way because that kind of love can only hurt people…that kind of love breaks hearts uneven and can take everything away from you. She can't think of one thing to look at it as a positive thing. So she won't. She will block It as she's always done even if that means keeping her shield up.
She looks up and Peeta is simply reading. She loves to watch him read but she won't. She will force herself to look away. She can't like him. She can't allow herself to feel something more. She can't allow herself to let someone break her. She won't.
She turns around and looks at Alli with a guy on a table. The same guy that went to the dance with her and they are holding hands. She's smiling and blushing and sighing. How can something like that be so simple for some people and so complicated for some others? Is it her that's complicating everything and in all honesty this is not such a difficult matter? No, she can't be. Can she?
She hasn't stop looking so when Alli looks up and sees her staring their way she waves a little. She thinks back to what they just talked about. Alli didn't say a thing so basically Peeta doesn't know why she's been acting the way she's been doing it. It's not his fault that she heard something she wasn't supposed to hear…not yet at least. He's giving her space like she wants without questioning her motives and she can only think about how she doesn't deserve him… She makes a decision then…friends, no blurring lines…everything as normal as it can possibly be.
She's going to make it better. She's going to try.
How long will that give her peace? How long will that be enough? She doesn't really know. As for now she doesn't want to. She just wants to try. And try she will.
AN. Law school is complicated…even more when is your last semester and you have just three months left! So that explains why I didn't send the people who reviewed their surprise! I am really really sorry!
Thank you for your reviews, alerts and favorites! Hope you enjoy!
PD. So I was wondering…I get many views every chapter but so little reviews that I am wondering if the same people are reading over and over again the chapters! (Not that I mind!) :P Let me know if it's not that way! Thanks again for reading!
