(If anyone's still there, I just wanted to say I will update quite regularly during summer. It has been a whole year since I published the first chapter, time flies... Next chapters will consider the events of 1999. And sorry for making Astoria a complete hysteric, but I can't help giving my characters some of my own features.)


PART TWO

2006

Astoria Malfoy was standing by the window of her parlor, looking blindly at the peacocks strolling through the garden regardless the snow. It took her a moment to notice the birds as their white feathers merged with the white fluff that was covering the ground.

Although she never liked the birds — their eyes resembling too far the expression of their main owner and the sounds they would make causing her migraine — Astoria felt some kind of compassion towards them as this winter was the coldest in many years. She sighed heavily and turned back to the window, remembering the birds were accustomed to low temperatures and her lack of involvement into improving their living conditions was not convicting her to an eternal condemn. Unlike other actions she has taken lately.

The Kreutzer Sonata was lying on the couch, where Astoria would have spent the whole morning, reading each page for at least three times, unable to concentrate on the reading. According to a convention two married people were supposed to stay together and perhaps it was the reason for love turning into hatred so often. Marriage was, undeniably, a kind of enslavement if taking under consideration Tolstoy's remarks about love being an exclusive preference for one person that faded rapidly. It was logical nobody wanted to spend their life stuck in a heartless relationship so it seemed a rational resolution to skip the meaningless exchange of vows that the institution of marriage was and stay in an informal relationship until the exclusive preference passed.

However, Draco did proposed. It was his own decision, made without his parents' knowledge, not to mention — without their approval. Months after they wedded Astoria was still impressed by this act of bravery of his and was catching herself looking at the rings, both engagement and wedding one with disbelief and childish joy.

Now, these carefree feelings were all gone, replaced with constant conjectures that were slowly bringing Astoria to losing her mind. She observed her wedding band in the winter sun, letting the most disturbing thoughts bother her. What if Draco proposed to her only to spite his parents? What if marriage was nothing but a formality to him while she was overflown with both excitement and agitation knowing she would become his wife? And finally, what if her maternal instinct was in fact the subconscious attempt to keep Draco near, because deep down she was aware he had already fallen out of love with her?

"Regarde-toi !"

Astoria whispered to herself with irritation. She took a deep breath and massaged her temples.

The more time passed, the more unfounded thoughts were coming to her mind. Her husband's absence was making Astoria feel insecure and miserable. Having no idea how long he was planning to delay his return to the manor was only adding a pinch of insanity to the blend of emotions she was experiencing and that was only the tip of an iceberg, considering her raging hormones.

Astoria no longer knew whether the reason of her crying was guilt followed by the pangs of conscience that were haunting her non-stop since the argument with her husband or pregnancy itself, causing the hormonal glitch in her body. At all events, she found herself wiping away the tears from her reddened cheeks again as she eventually sat down on the couch, throwing the book onto the floor with anger.

Apart from guilt and repentance Astoria could not deny there was exasperation sprouting inside her. She knew it was her to take the blame but as she was raised in the belief that pride was the most valuable virtue, she could not help but put the blame on her husband as well. She considered his restraint from having a baby the effect of the senseless stubbornness, his objective being, proving himself (rather than her) he was all altruistic and selfless. Ironically, this need was making him awfully selfish and remembering it was only inciting in Astoria the feelings of bitterness and resentment.

They were both guilty. Him, for putting his need of full self-acceptance above the well-being of his family and her, for presenting him with a fait accompli rather than trying to persuade him to have a baby first.

Astoria clenched her teeth, holding back the tears of helplessness. She could not accept her guilt because, deciding to cut off her contraceptive potion, she was sure Draco wanted to become a father. She knew there were some affaires stopping him from telling her about it, but he did craved it. She could not have been mistaken. She could not. But what if she was?

Another tear streamed down her cheek but this time Astoria let it sink into the material of her blouse. This thought was the most disturbing. In fact, it was the major reason of her misery. To think Draco really did not want to have a baby was making Astoria deeply anxious especially that it was no longer theoretical. What is more, it was supposed to be born in seven months. An innocent human being, who deserved to be brought up in a loving family, knowing it was wanted.

Wanted. Astoria was especially sensitive in the matter, knowing from autopsy, how painful it was for a child to be aware of not being wanted by one of its parents and she could not stand to think her own baby would experience the same fate. The thought alone made her feel nausea when she remembered her attempts to win Perses Greengrass' favor — from exhausting herself to get high grades in class to learning by heart each one of her grandfather's violin concertos. Sadly, it did not matter how good her results were as long as she was a girl and not the heir that her father was expecting. Involuntarily, Astoria imagined her husband being the kind of father Perses Greengrass was to her — rigorous, demanding and never fully content. All blood drained from her face as Astoria remembered her conservative breeding.

"Never again" she whispered to herself, putting both hands on her nearly flat belly.

While she was trying to calm herself down, she heard some voices on the other side of the door. Concerned, she got up from the couch and automatically arranged her mid-length pleated skirt. The steps on the old wooden floor were becoming louder and although it crossed Astoria's mind to whom they belonged, she restrained herself from any further presumptions. She stood motionless until the door opened and she saw the familiar silhouette.

"I haven't got any letter" she said in an indifferent voice, scrutinizing her husband.

Draco smirked almost invisibly at her words but given his appearance, including nearly transparent skin and dark shadows under his eyes, he was looking far from usually if not simply miserable. He was wearing the same clothes as on the day he had left the house, now wrinkled and outworn, and involuntarily Astoria thought he should pay more attention to the household charms.

"I haven't sent any" he replied simply, noticing the title thrown onto the floor. He frown slightly. Astoria followed his gaze and murmured a charm that lifted the book from the ground and put it back on the couch.

"I've put fresh shirts in the wardrobe" she said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that occurred between them. "On the left, next to…" she broke, when she realized how much out of line were her words. "Well, you know yourself" she sighed, looking down at the top of her heels.

Draco's gaze smoothed as he saw her embarrassment.

"Tori…" he murmured with a small sigh.

Astoria raised her gaze immediately and looked at him with question. Slowly, Draco approached her and embraced her lightly. Through the fine material of her blouse Astoria could feel the chill of his hands, wrapped around her waist and although she was getting goose bumps, obediently she wrapped her arms around his neck and lied her head on his chest. Draco's embrace tightened but his body seemed to relax a little.

"I promised myself long time ago" he started, not letting go of her "that anything would scare me anymore, ever."

Astoria shivered lightly as his voice turned into a harsh whisper.

"I needed to earn self respect" he continued. "Loneliness appeared to me as the guarantee of sanity…" his tone was growing somehow darker with every word. "In fact, loners are the most dangerous, their waywardness coming from the awareness of having no one. No need to subordinate, no compromises, unlimited freedom."

"Draco, I know this story" Astoria interrupted him quietly, her voice sounding tired, but he ignored her.

"I was in the middle of self distracting when you came" he carried on, sounding exasperated when mentioning her. "You made me dependent on yourself so easily…" he said, caressing Astoria's back lazily. "And then told me you will leave eventually."

Astoria felt her heart skipped a beat.

"Draco, please stop" she whispered but this time he also seemed not to hear her words.

"I don't recall feeling this scared ever before in my life, Astoria" he said, sounding terribly serious. "From that day I decided to devote my every minute to finding the cure…"

"I know" she moaned between his words, hiding her face in his chest.

"…and I still do, I made progress…"

"I know" she repeated.

"…but there you are, acting against yourself as if you weren't aware of the consequences."

"Stop it!" she hissed, releasing herself from his embrace.

Draco observed her, his eyes filled with nothing but sadness.

"I've never been brave, Tori" he said in a softer tone. "Don't expect me to become such all of the sudden because it won't happen" he insisted.

"Me neither" replied Astoria honestly. "I've never been brave."

Draco sent her a fake smile as the only reply. They stood in silence for a few seconds before he decided to speak again.

"I will be a disappointment of a father, Astoria" he said straight out.

Anxiety suddenly disappeared from his wife's face and was replaced with a ready to battle look as she shook her head in disagree, pouting as befitted her.

"No" she said with an astonishing confidence. "In case you haven't noticed, you are the most caring and protective husband" she carried on, making Draco wonder if it was actually possible for her to see him this way. "You look after me as if I was a child. It irritates me at times but it also makes me feel safe. You're a fool to think you will be any different with the baby."

Will be, he repeated in mind and felt a cold shiver running through his back.

"You will be an amazing dad" she added and although she sounded confident saying it, Draco wondered whether she pulled that card as her final attempt to win his favor.

But as he listened to her, one particular word has stuck in his head. Dad? A fine line formed on his forehead. Dad. Unlike father, the sound of dad had no connotations. It was a complete tabula rasa. Dad, dad, dad he repeated in mind but still could not recall any memories involving this particular word. At first he thought it was due to Astoria's voice that it sounded so soft but as he carried on repeating the syllable in his mind, he understood it sounded the same pronounced by him and it took him out of himself.

"What if the baby hates me?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.

Astoria rolled eyes on him.

"The baby will adore you" she insisted. "Just like I do."

"You're not that hard to love, Draco" she added after a moment, approaching him.

She caressed her husband's cheek fondly, looking at him from half-closed eyes not sure of his reaction to that tenderness. She tried her best to soothe him but despite Draco's gaze slowly softening under her touch, a shadow of disappointment was still showing in his eyes and it was giving Astoria nearly physical pain.

"You've been crying?" he asked, noticing grayish traces of mascara on her cheeks.

Astoria took her hand instantly and rubbed the skin. Draco shook his head at her helplessness and wiped the stains with his thumb. When he moved his gaze back to face her, his wife's eyes were already filled with new tears and her chin started to shiver dangerously.

"Tori…" he started, a single wrinkle appearing on his forehead. "Astoria, what's wrong?" he asked, trying to put an arm around her neck. But Astoria stepped away and covered her mouth with her hand, trying to hold back the tears.

"I'm being pathetic, am I not?" she asked with a hysteric laugh that was followed by the outburst of crying. "Trying to convince you, especially now… Merlin sake, I destroyed this marriage" she laughed through tears, arranging her hair nervously. "I destroyed our marriage…"

"Calm down" ordered Draco in a low tone. His fist was clenching but he tried his best to maintain composure however Astoria seemed not to notice his inner struggle.

"You don't deny…" she whispered, shaking her head helplessly. "You…"

"I told you to calm down!" Draco hissed, slowly losing his temper what his wife ignored completely.

"The reason you stayed… is because you want to act like an adult" she started, sounding half conscious. "Clean the mess I've made… You hate me!" she cried, wiping away the tears. "You hate me because I let you down. But you won't admit it…" she said shaking her head as if she wanted to emphasize her words. "All because you feel responsible for me!"

"And what the fuck is wrong with it?" he cried, interrupting her. "Me feeling responsible for you? Me acting mature? What the fuck elsedo you expect me to do?"

"I don't know!"

Draco hated her for acting this way but he hated himself even more for letting her fall onto her knees, crying with her face hidden in her hands. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.

Astoria had hysterical tendencies that came from her overanalyzing. She claimed it was the outcome of her upbringing in a permanent doubt whether she met her father's expectations or not. Despite all the time that had passed, her insecurities were still activating once in a while, mainly during stressful situations and their argument was a perfect example of it.

"It should not be this way…" she murmured to herself, sobbing. "It should not be this way…"

"No, it shouldn't" confirmed Draco. "Starting from the part where you forgot to tell me you wanted children" he added, sounding much more severe than he intended to.

Astoria raised her head and moved the hair away from her face.

"Would you have married me if you knew I did?" she asked, sending him a defiant look.

Draco could feel the anger increasing in him. She had no right to look at him this way. She was not in a position to make him feel guilty of anything. Especially not of his reluctance to having children.

"Where is this even going?" he asked, approaching her. He picked Astoria up from the ground in a surprisingly gentler way that she had expected him to and seated her on the couch.

"Look at yourself" he muttered. "You're a complete mess" he said even though he knew it would hurt her. "As always when things go differently than you expected them to" he added then, looking at her with a mix of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Given no response, he turned to the door. Standing on the doorstep, he spoke:

"And, by the way, I told my parents."

Instantly, Astoria moved her head up to look at him but Draco was already on the corridor. Left alone, she remained on the couch, where he seated her and thought about what has just happened. Slowly, the feeling of guilt overwhelmed her again.


"Do you hate me?"

She was leaning against the door frame with her eyes fixed on the floor as if she was ashamed to look at him. Dark brown curls were covering her face almost completely, making her look pitiful and somewhere deep inside, Draco wanted nothing but to hold her.

They were in their bedroom, where Astoria would followed him when he had left the parlor. Draco was standing by the bed, dressing himself up after a shower, trying to avoid looking at his wife as her appearance was making him feel sorry for her, what he believed should be his last feeling for her in the current situation.

"No, I don't hate you" he replied, trying to focus on buttoning one of his trademark black long-sleeved shirts that covered bleached Dark Mark on his left forearm.

"I lose my mind when you're gone" she murmured, her eyes still down.

"Unusual way to express feelings, I must say…"

Astoria sighed quietly.

"Why would you tell them?" she asked after a moment of silence, raising her head.

For a fracture of a second their gazes met and Draco saw sparks of hope shining in her emerald green eyes. Once again he thought the baby should get the eye color from its mother before reminding himself he was not supposed to look at her.

"I'm afraid I don't know what are you talking about" he replied coldly, frowning as if to emphasize his words.

"Your parents" said Astoria instantly, not sounding the tease in her husband's voice. "Why would you tell your parents that I'm pregnant?" she asked, entering the room finally. There were several dozen inches separating them but Draco could swear he felt her breath on his neck.

"Wasn't it a proper thing to do?" he replied with a question. "You don't plan to inform yours?" he added with a memory of sarcasm in his voice.

There was no need for him to glance at her as he could feel her blushing.

"Give it a miss" hissed Astoria to his biggest surprise; he did not expect any act of irritation from her at this point of the conversation. "If you don't want the baby, then why would you tell them yourself?" she asked, sounding resentful rather than curious, as if she regretted he had visited his parents without her.

"I only wanted to see my father's expression. I thought it would amuse me."

Her ironic laugh filled the room for a moment but she herself did not seem amused. Draco sighed heavily at his wife's concerned expression and pulled one hand into her direction.

"Come to me" he ordered, knowing he had already lost.

Astoria approached him obediently, a suspicious look not leaving her face.

"You look absolutely hideous" said Draco, brushing her cheek with his thumb to wipe away the remains of tears. "Have you been sleeping at all?" he asked, observing her nearly transparent skin that was contrasting with dark circles under Astoria's eyes.

"I had nightmares" she murmured with reproach. "You yourself don't look much better."

Draco smirked involuntarily and shook his head, taking a deep breath.

"What kind of nightmares?" he asked, ignoring Astoria's comment on his appearance.

"You, leaving" she replied with her eyes down. "Listen… Draco, I thought you didn't want children because of me" she started with a shaky voice. "I never thought that you really…"

"That's enough" he interrupted her, sounding upset. Astoria looked at him with both astonishment and dread. "I'm tired of this. When does your Healer see his patients?" he asked, ignoring his wife's uneasy expression fixed on him.

"But you said we will keep…" she started, automatically placing her hands on her nearly visible belly.

"Merlin sake, Astoria!" cried Draco so loud she stepped away from him. "I need to meet with him myself to talk about your medicines" he explained, sounding tired.

He saw Astoria's body relaxing immediately.

"Monday and Thursday mornings but Draco, the potions…"

"Tori, please" he moaned. "How about you trust me for once? I'm not a fool, I know your potions cannot affect the baby" he said, looking resentful. He did the buttons of his left sleeve in silence as she played with the wedding band on her finger, light blush covering her cheeks.

"I never said you were a fool" she murmured.

"I dispose of common sense" added Draco harshly, too busy with his clothing to look at her.

"I know, I'm sorry."

Draco sighed loudly, unsuccessfully trying to do the buttons of the other sleeve. Astoria approached him and helped him without a word. When she tried to step away, Draco caught her wrist. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Don't be" he said finally. "Sorry, I mean. I'm being too hard on you" he admitted.

"I'm being touchy lately" she replied with a timid smile.

"You're pregnant after all."

"After all" Astoria repeated, smile immediately disappearing from her face. "Where are you going?" she asked, when Draco let go of her hand and turned to the door.

"I have some work to do, starting from owling the idiot who let you cut off your potions" he said, avoiding her gaze.

"How about I ask the household to prepare us some lunch earlier today? You must be hungry" she asked in a hopeless try to attract her husband's attention and stop him from leaving her alone again.

"To be honest I'm not" she heard his reserved tone. "I'll be in my study."

"Draco, please!" she cried after him.

He turned back, sending her a confused look. He approached her once again and embraced her tightly. Astoria put her both arms around his neck but before she managed to rest her head against his chest — as she would always do — Draco pulled off.

"It has nothing to do with you. I'm just not hungry" he explained, placing a kiss on her forehead.

Then he stepped away from her and left the room in silence. Astoria sat down on the bed and played with her wedding band again. She felt trapped, suspended between feelings of sadness that were too big not to be affected by them and too small to cry because of them at the same time.


It was nearly midnight when the door opened and Draco entered his and Astoria's bedroom. The room was filled with moonlight shining in between the curtains drown carelessly. His wife was already sleeping, curled on her side of the bed. It seemed this time her sleep was untroubled by any nightmares. Draco knelt down by her side and observed her chest rising as she breathed in the air. He moved a strand of hair behind Astoria's ear and caressed her cheek.

"I love you" he murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

Astoria moved in her sleep, a smile gracing her lips. It was the first time in days that Draco saw her smiling and it was not until this moment that he understood how much he missed the look.

"I will go to hell and back but I'll find a way."