Chapter 9
Bellamy couldn't remember the last time he'd seen such energy. Madi had her bow and arrow slung over her shoulder and was hopping from fallen log to fallen log, not missing a step. The life and spark in the child was something he didn't think he'd get to experience again. She reminded him so much of Octavia. An overwhelming burst of light in the darkness.
Bellamy had felt such guilt over leaving Clarke behind. Guilt over her "death." Even though he would never forgive himself for it, he felt like a small weight had been lifted off his heart knowing that she'd had Madi with her. If she had been alone that entire time, he didn't think there would have been much left of the Clarke he knew. They weren't related, but he saw a lot of Clarke in Madi. There was a wonder about her to everything they encountered.
"It hurt her, you know," Madi's voice rang out in the silence even though she hadn't spoken loudly.
Bellamy frowned at the words. "What?"
Madi let out a loud sigh, as if Bellamy was automatically supposed to know what she was talking about. Very Octavia-like.
"Clarke. It hurt her to leave you behind."
"She was just protecting you," Bellamy told her, as he stepped over a tree root in front of him. Madi jumped down from her log and came to walk beside him.
"No, I don't mean when we left the bunker last week," Madi said. She looked at him as she kept walking. Bellamy was sure she could walk this forest blindfolded and always know where she was.
"She told me she was sorry for leaving you. At Camp Jaha when you asked her to stay but she didn't. She felt bad about leaving you to deal with everything on your own. She's also sorry she didn't go with you at Polis when you asked her to come home."
"She told you a lot about us, didn't she?"
Madi smiled brightly. "Yes. Every day she would tell me a new story. She told me how everyone had a hand in helping keep her alive, that she wouldn't be where she is now without each and every one of you. The stories about Octavia were always my favorite. The stories about you were always hers."
Bellamy stopped. "What do you mean?"
Madi stopped a few feet away from him. "Well most of the stories were about you and they were always the longest. There was something very important about her telling me every little detail about you. Like she was afraid she would forget or something."
Bellamy was a bit stunned to learn that Clarke had spent so much time in talking about him. He'd expected Madi to know a lot about them all but the fact that she had heard stories about him every day was a bit daunting. What kinds of things had Clarke told her? He hadn't always been following his head and had made some stupid decisions back then.
As if reading his mind, Madi said "Yeah, she told me about the dumb stuff too."
Bellamy laughed. "I'm sure she did."
"Whatever the hell we want!" Madi called, throwing her hands up into the air. She turned and kept walking. Bellamy followed her.
"How did you do it? How did you survive?" Bellamy asked, thinking back to when he'd asked Clarke the same thing at the campfire. He hadn't really gotten much of an answer from her.
"I ate fish and berries to stay alive. I stayed in one of the empty rooms. I couldn't move the dead bodies so I spent a lot of time outside. I was only alone for 2 months. Everything got better when Clarke found me."
Two months. Two months was less than he had expected. It must have still been awful to be alone for so long but it was something he could handle, instead of all the years it could have been. Still, the thought of Clarke alone, trying to survive without another living soul, ate at him. She'd had to deal with that because of him. That was still a whole hell of a lot better than the alternative.
"I'm glad she had you. That you were able to help keep each other alive," Bellamy told her.
"You helped keep her alive too," Madi stated simply.
Saving Clarke from Diyoza had been a no brainer. Once he'd learned she was alive, there wasn't anything he wouldn't have done to help her. "I helped her out of a bad situation once, you helped keep her going every single day," Bellamy said lightly.
Madi gave him another exasperated look, as if he was just missing everything she was trying to tell him. "So did you. She called you. On the radio. Every day for 2, 199 days. I only remember that number because that was the day everything changed. When you all came home. I guess she talked to all of you but it was always your name she called when she picked up the radio. I don't know how she kept track of the days. I mean I know she put marks up on the wall but she always knew the number of days it had been since Praimfaya-"Madi continued to ramble on and kept walking, not having noticed that Bellamy had stopped in his tracks when she'd brought up that Clarke had called him every day.
2, 199 days of calls. To him. And he hadn't heard a single transmission. How was that possible? What is it that she could have talked to him about? He had thought she was dead. He hadn't counted the days. He hadn't wanted to know when the day came that marked her being dead longer than she had been in his life. He hadn't wanted to know the number of days he would live without her for the rest of his life. But the answer was 2,199 days. That is how long his heart had ached without Clarke. That was how long he had put on a show, of being happy and keeping everyone together. Of trying to play the part Clarke trusted him with.
She had counted every day that she'd been without him. He felt almost as shocked as he had when he'd heard Madi tell him that Clarke was alive, that she had known he would come. She had known! She had so much faith in him that she knew he would come back. How? How could she have put so much trust in him? He hadn't known himself if he would ever make it back to the ground, but she had. Bellamy shook his head, trying to process this. What would have changed if he'd known that she was alive? If he'd heard just a single word from her on the radio? You would have driven yourself crazy trying to come back home! A voice said in his head.
Madi finally noticed that Bellamy had stopped. She looked back at him.
"Are you ok?" She asked.
Was he? He just didn't know. He didn't know what this meant. Why would she call him specifically? Had Clarke been trying to reach them as they had tried to contact the bunker? They'd tried often but even they hadn't called every day. Had Clarke done so to try to stay sane? Had she done it just to have something to do? Or had she done it because she had needed him? He looked up at Madi and went over to where she stood.
"What did she say?" He asked, almost urgently.
"Huh?"
"Clarke, when she was on the radio. What did she say?"
Madi shrugged. "I dunno. The same stuff mostly every day."
"Like what?" He needed to know what Clarke had said. He felt like if he knew what she'd said, that something was going to change drastically between him and Clarke. Something that should have changed a long time ago.
"She said she was proud of you. That you did the right thing leaving her."
I left her behind and she's proud of that? It was one of the things he regretted the most in his life. Clarke had wanted him to use his head and he had, thinking of everyone else first. His heart had suffered for it though.
"She said this all would be easier if she knew that you were alive. She always said she still had hope. Even after the 5 years were up and you didn't come back."
You still have hope? We still breathing?
"What else?" Bellamy asked. "Was there ever anything that maybe she felt awkward saying while you were there?" Had she ever mentioned how she had felt?
Madi thought for a moment. She shook her head. "No, she told me all about you so there was never anything to hide. Although-"she stopped to consider something for a second. Bellamy looked at her expectantly. "There was this one time. She wasn't on the radio, just staring up at the stars. I remember it because she had looked so sad that day. It was around the 5 year mark, when you were supposed to come home soon. I was just about to drift off when I thought I heard her say 'please don't be in love with someone else.' That's a strange thing to say, isn't? I always wondered what she meant by it."
Bellamy's eyes widened. She hadn't been on the radio where there was a possibility he could have heard her but had she been talking to him nonetheless? Staring up at the sky where he was. He couldn't believe it. How many times had he stood at the windows on the ring looking down at that patch of green? Had he ever been looking down at her, not knowing she was even alive, when she'd been looking up towards him? The thought that she felt something for him, something that may go beyond just friendship was beyond comprehension.
"Can't you ask her this yourself? I mean she knows more what she said to you than I do."
Bellamy nodded. Yes, that's what he had to do. He had to talk to Clarke and find out what all this meant. He'd left Octavia to warn Clarke because he couldn't face the thought of dealing with that grief again. He'd traveled day and night to reach her in time when Octavia had threatened Clarke after she found out Clarke and Madi had left the bunker. He'd come here not just to warn Clarke but to also stop being stupid. And here he was, still dumb as ever. He should know more than anyone how limited time was. He'd had Clarke ripped away from him once before and now that she'd been brought back into his life like some kind of miracle, he still wouldn't let himself feel what he really felt inside.
"Madi, we have to go back," Bellamy told her.
"But we haven't even hunted yet."
"I'm sorry. This is really important." And suddenly, it felt as if the rest of his life depended on what happened next.
