Chapter Nine:

Weeks passed and no other incidents occurred. Mainly because Tobias refused to acknowledge my presence and he emailed me to cancel the tutoring sessions, promising that he would find a replacement for me soon enough. He actually emailed me. He didn't even have the courage to tell me in person.

Thankfully I had a ton of other things to stress out over that Tobias was in the very back of my mind, at least until I had free time. Deadlines for most of my college applications were coming up quick; I had re-taken the SATs and now was finishing filling out my application for Brown.

My Mom was more than helpful when it came to filling out applications. She understood that I really, really wanted to go to Brown University the falling autumn, but she also reminded me that I needed safety colleges. She gladly took me out of school – for which I was thankful to avoid seeing Tobias – so that we could go visit campuses nearby. Each time I went to talk to an admissions counselor, she would look at me with a smile so bright and proud, her face could have frozen.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was finally making my parents proud. I mean, obviously parents were excited when their kids were getting ready for college, but living in Caleb's shadow my whole life I felt like I could never amount to anything.

School didn't really make any of the stress easier. Teachers were constantly reminding us over the upcoming application deadlines and trying to help prepare us for after high school.

Honestly, it was both annoying and exhausting.

One Friday, after school, Christina and Will, Al, Uriah and Marlene, Lynn and I were all crowded around Will's Jeep. The parking lot was starting to clear out, but we were sitting back for a few extra minutes.

It was the last day before winter break and I couldn't be happier. We had a good three weeks off which meant three weeks I would go without having to see or talk to Tobias.

It also meant that I had a good three weeks to hang out with Christina and Will and Al.

But tonight, my brother was coming home for Christmas and my parents both wanted me home for the night so that we could all go out to dinner and have a family night. Not exactly my cup of tea.

"You can't just ditch this dinner tonight?" Christina asks, lying on my bed, watching me go through my closet looking for a decent outfit for tonight.

Shaking my head, I shift through my sweaters. "Sadly, no. I mean, it is Caleb so obviously my parents want me there to make sure he knows that he's better than I am and also so that he can probably rub his success in my face."

Christina's nose scrunches up in distaste and I can't help but laugh. Then, causing me to jump, a voice speaks up from my doorway, "Well I mean, somebody in the family has to brag."

Caleb's standing my doorway, all six-three of him. His hair is ruffled and there are melting snowflakes on his jacket collar and in his hair. The same child-like smirk plays at his lips and I can't help but smile and throw my arms around his neck. Yeah, he's an ass at times and I hate living in his shadow, but he's my brother and I love him.

He pushes me back and nods to Christina, who waves. "Hey, Chris."

"'Sup, Caleb?"

Running my hands through my hair, I take a step back and look at him. "When did you get in? I thought you wouldn't be here until later tonight. Mom and Dad said we'd be meeting you at the restaurant for dinner."

He shrugs, leaning against the door frame. "Flight was early and Mom really wanted to have some time to spend with Susan." Ah, Susan. The esteemed girlfriend who may or may not be a long-time thing with him.

I can't lie – I'm a bit jealous of his relationship. Susan was our neighbor when we were children and when it came to Caleb's junior year, he started hanging out with her a lot more and talked about her a lot. When he had his Junior Prom, he asked her and apparently in doing that, it sparked their relationship and they began dating shortly afterwards.

"So have you heard from Brown, yet?" When I shake my head, his smile disappears and a look of concern replaces it. "Well, there's still time. You'll definitely get an acceptance letter from them soon."

Just like my parents, Caleb knew how much Brown meant to me and how much I needed to go there.

Caleb leaves to go be with our parents and Susan, meanwhile Christina and I stay in my bedroom while I'm still trying to find an outfit.

I finally settle on a pair of black skinny jeans with a cream colored sweater and a pair of black combat boots. Christina and I relax for a little while longer before she leaves so that I can start getting ready for dinner.

Everyone was apparently waiting on me, because when I get downstairs they all have their jackets on and are standing by the front door. My Mom hands me my jacket and I thank her, giving her a warm smile.

I greet Susan and everyone heads out to the car. On my way out, I spy an envelope addressed to me with Brown University written in the top left corner. My stomach drops and I suddenly feel like throwing up.

Forcing myself to move, I follow behind everyone and climb into the back seat of the car.

Dinner goes by extremely slowly, my leg jiggling under the table the entire time. All I can think about is the letter on the table by the door. It was a letter, not a packet. Every time I thought about that, I panicked and felt like I was going to throw up my dinner in front of the entire restaurant.

Matters were made worse when all anyone wanted to talk about was Caleb's life since the last time we saw him. My parents asked him about his job, what his new (fancy!) apartment was like in the city and how he and Susan were getting along.

Susan was quietly observant, blushing at moments when Caleb talked about their relationship. She was always a reserved person, but it seems like she's gotten slightly less loose since high school.

It was around ten-thirty when we got back home. Mom and Dad said goodnight to Susan and Caleb, kissed me on the forehead and headed to bed. Caleb and Susan decided to watch a movie together. I, on the other hand, was too keyed up about the letter to do anything.

Waiting until everyone left the front room, I grabbed the letter and shoved it in my pocket. I didn't know what I was going to do or who I wanted to open it with. Definitely not my parents, no.

Pulling out my phone, I faked a call, pressing the phone up to my ear. "…Chris, calm down!" I spoke slightly louder than I needed to, but I had to make sure Caleb would hear me. "Okay…okay! I'll be over in a few minutes." Shoving my phone in my pocket, Caleb poked his head out from the kitchen.

"Everything okay?"

Shaking my head, I grabbed the keys to my car. "No, Chris and her boyfriend broke up. She's devastated and I need to be there for her. I might be there all night, I'm not sure. If Mom or Dad ask, can you tell them where I went?"

He nods and without another word, I'm out of the house and in the car.

Twenty minutes later, I'm standing in front of a door that I never really saw myself standing in front of again. And I'm not sure whether I want to knock or turn around, leave and go to Christina's.

But I can't go to her. I don't want to. I know how she'll pity me and act if I open the letter and it is a rejection letter. I don't want her telling me how stupid Brown is for not accepting me and how there are better schools out there for me. I don't want pity.

I knock.

Tobias opens the door and looks as surprised as I feel. "Tris? What are you doing here? It's late."

Looking down at the floor, I reach into my pocket and pull out the letter, my hand shaking. I look back up at him, suddenly feeling nervous. "I got this in the mail today and I haven't opened it yet and I don't know if I want. And I didn't know who else to go to. Christina would just pity me and try to make things better and I don't want that…"

He looks at me and runs one hand down his face. "You might as well come in." He makes it sound like I'm being a huge nuisance, and maybe I am, but he doesn't turn me away.

I go to sit on the couch, staring at the letter in my hands. Tobias sits down a good distance away from me, resting his elbows on the edge of his knees. "Do you want to open it?"

Taking a deep breath, I rip open the envelope and unfold the piece of paper. "Dear Miss Prior, we are happy to know that you're interested in attending Brown University for the upcoming fall semester. But we are sorry to inform you that the Admissions Committee has since completed the selection for the class of 2019 and we cannot offer you a place in our school. We apologize deeply and wish you success in the near future."

My voice is shaking by the time I finish reading the rest of the letter and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach as hard as possible. My throat feels tight and tears burn behind my eyes.

Tobias moves closer, placing his hand on my back in a comforting manner. "Tris, I'm so sorry…"

"I…I didn't get in." I'm still staring at the paper and a tear falls onto it, smudging some of the ink. "I was rejected." This time I can't hold back the tears, they fall on their own accord. I lean into Tobias and he wraps his arms around me tightly, stroking my hair.

He doesn't say anything or try and tell me that it's their loss. He just holds me and strokes my hair, his chin resting on the top of my head. He waits until I stop crying, and even then he still doesn't pull away. He waits until he's sure I'm done crying and then loosens his hold on me.

I sit up, wiping my eyes. "You okay?" He asks and I shrug. "Do you want me to take you home?" Stupid question, I drove here.

"I don't want to go home." I say softly. "One of my parents brought the mail in; they had to have seen the letter. If they see that I opened it or it's gone, they'll want to know what it said. I can't explain this to them."

Not wanting to look at the letter again, I fold it back up and toss it on the coffee table. The tears start again and this time Tobias grabs my face with both his hands and wipes away the tears with his thumbs. "Hey, stop that. You don't need to cry."

I squeeze my eyes tightly, trying to get myself to stop crying. When I'm sure that I won't cry again, I look back up at Tobias. His blue eyes are dark and comforting. Something warm stirs in my stomach when I look at him and his palms suddenly feel really, really warm against my cheeks.

There's a similar look in his eyes that remind me of the look when he kissed me. I can't tell what the look is, exactly, but it's there and it makes the knot in my stomach tighten in a good way.

Shaking my head, I place my right hand over top of his left one on my cheek. "I was rejected…from my first choice college. The place I have wanted to go my entire life." This couldn't be happening.

No, it wasn't.

This was just a really, really bad dream and I'd wake up any second now to find a nice big packet on my dining room table with Brown University Admissions Office written on the front with my name.

But this wasn't a nightmare and I wouldn't be waking up anytime soon.

"I'm sorry, Tris." Tobias apologizes again and I shake my head, getting angry.

"Stop apologizing. I told you I didn't want pity."

Laughing – he actually laughs! – He shakes his head. "I'm not apologizing for that. I'm apologizing for the way I acted the other week. I was a jerk, no I was worse. I was a complete and total jackass."

I find myself nodding along, even though I didn't mean to. I stop.

"I shouldn't have said what I said and I should have chased after you to apologize right then. But I didn't and I regret it." His thumbs stroke my cheeks again. "I still stand by what I said, though. About us." I frown. "I want us to happen but it's too risky and complicated."

I don't care. I don't care! I don't care how difficult it'll be I just want him to myself. I want to be selfish and have him.

"Tobias, just stop." I pull his hands off of my cheeks, but instead of pushing his hands away, I twist my fingers through his left hand. "I honestly don't want to hear about what you want if you're not gonna actually try and take what you want."

My earlier woes over Brown disappear; well they're pushed to the back of my mind – another worry for another day.

"I want to, Tris. I want to so badly, but I can't." He lowers his head, staring at our hands.

I move closer to him and put my hand under his chin, forcing him to look at me. I lean in close to him, so that our lips are only mere centimeters away from each other and say softly, "Nobody needs to know. It can be our secret…"

He glances at my lips and then back up at me, searching my eyes for something. "I want to kiss you so badly right now, but…"

Shaking my head, I interrupt him. "No 'buts'." I press my palm to the side of his face and when I do, it's like something shocks him and he closes the little space between us, bringing my lips to his.

Snaking my hand around to the back of his neck, I grip the hair at the nape of his neck, twisting it in my hand.

His lips are hard on mine and I feel myself leaning backwards, falling. My back presses against the couch cushions and Tobias shifts himself so one of my legs is between both of his and his right hand is gripping the side of the couch.

I wrap my arms around the back of his neck, gripping my wrists. My breathing is heavy and all my worries about Brown disappear. I suddenly feel bad because I'm not sure whether I'm kissing him because I want to – even though I do want to, oh I've wanted to since the first kiss – or if I'm doing it because I know it'll help me stop feeling sad.

Don't think, just kiss.

Surprisingly, he doesn't pull away after awhile or tell me that it was a mistake – he keeps kissing me. Finally, I need to breathe so I put my hands on his chest and turn my head to the side. "Need some air…" He lifts himself up so his body isn't touching mine anymore, but he's still hovering over top of me, looking at me with bright eyes. There's a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

Then he says, "You know I can't go back to being just your teacher, right?" And then he smirks.