Excerpt 8: Request Replay
(If I Could Save Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce)
You are listening to BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio and an all broadcast day of requests! I am Boz the Buzzard and in case you're just joining us, a refresher. Joker Moreau, of the Normandy dared me to do a whole day of songs that were not, shall we say, strictly hard rock or heavy metal. And that's what I've been doing, we've taking requests from across the Alliance Flotilla, substituted with the help of a handy dandy list of potential songs that fit Joker's requirements. I then left it up to the fans to choose what songs they wanted to play, because I figured if I had to rise to Mr. Moreau's challenge, why not involve all of you? I call it, "Ironic Songs to Play during Firefights Day!" And I feel it has been a success. So let us continue our day of song diversity with yet another request. Caller, you are on.
Hi, Army Corporal Ann Sanders here, I'd like to make a special request. Save the Last Dance for Me, by The Drifters. It played at my senior prom, literally a week before I shipped out for boot. Feels like a lifetime ago honestly.
Who am I to stand in the way of nostalgia? That's what this station is all about! Its life blood! Ladies and gentlebirds, for Corporal Ann Sanders, The Drifters with "Save the Last Dance For Me!"
(Save the Last Dance for Me by The Drifters)
Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, music for only the rowdiest of crews. Here's another request, coming in off the port bow!
This is Private Ruckerson, I think the most ironic song you can play during a firefight is this one called "Happy Together" by the Turtles. Think you can play it?
Here's a full broadside request fill blast! Right now! (Plasma Cannon Sound Effect) Only on BBR!
(Happy Together by the Turtles)
I like to think we're all fairly happy together here. Anyway, a brief bit of news has just come in. Apparently there is going to be an experiment conducted on the Relic soon. There is no cause for alarm, but somehow they're expecting some weird things to happen as a result of it. The cargo hold of the Normandy is off limits until further notice as a result. Well, I say let the egg heads do their thing, it won't stop us from having fun. Now here is another request that came in over the wire during that last song. Apparently, some of you are trying to one up each other in how ironic your song would sound during a firefight. I didn't realize this bet would turn into a competition among yourselves, but who am I to judge? So long as you're all listening. This is "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys on BBR!
(Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys)
Let's not stop this party, mates, we got another request coming in on the wire! You're on, caller!
Marine Sergeant Delaney, If you wouldn't mind, I think Take On Me would be something funny to put on in a firefight. It's kinda daring the enemy to attack you while being pretty inviting about it. Like, you're taking the meaning of what the song is supposed to be about and turning it on its head.
Sounds badass enough to me, okay, Take On Me by Aha, cued up and ready to go, take a listen, mates!
(Take On Me by A-ha)
Alright a few of my fellow kig-yar have joined in on the fun for this hour. Apparently they found some pretty decent songs they wouldn't mind hearing themselves. Zuz, working hangar detail for today, this one's for you!
(All Out of Love by Air Supply)
We'll get back to more of those requests soon, but we have some more business to take care of first. I mean, I have other duties on this tub besides making music for you all. So, a few announcements then.
(Boatswain Soundeffect)
Alright, so first up is a special message to the lower decks aboard the Serpent. Repairs from our previous firefight with Snarlbeak's little task force are going well. Please, do be careful around our more sensitive equipment down there. We don't want any potential accidents down there.
Now, the unggoy aboard, as I understand, have been feeling a little restless. Special announcement for them, break privileges have been expanded. That's right, you little gas suckers, you get some more time off here and there to recharge your batteries and what not. We'll have more regularly scheduled shift changes and the like, this should make things easier for you. Best thank Zek for this, he's being awfully generous with you all.
Next item, we are currently testing a new Ichor concoction from our Chorka pals. If you're off shift during the later hours tonight, you are welcome to take some samples. We are hopeful at least one of them is going to stick.
Some further words of warning on that experiment I mentioned earlier. Apparently we can expect possible power shortages, maybe some slight hiccups in a few systems, maybe the artificial gravity cuts out in some areas, they're not... not entirely sure really. I'm uh... I'm sure it's nothing too serious though. I mean, we got some pretty smart people working in this little fleet. What's there to worry about.
That's all for official news right now. Let's get to another one of our requests, this is one about a place some of us hope to visit should we ever get to Earth. I guess I should say when, because I don't want to jinx that, but whatever. This is "Africa" by Toto, only on BBR's Ironic Firefight Songs Request Day!
(Africa by Toto)
Alright everyone it time for one of those ever importan parts of any broadcast day. That's right, allowing me to go on about something I feel the need to yap on about and then seeing how you all feel about it. We are now halfway through our treasure hunt. Two for four relics, that's a pretty good score if I do say so. But obviously, we're not out of the woods and we're facing some steep opposition. And we still don't know what the relic does. Which makes me a little concerned about every one we bring on board right now, given my own experience, but I haven't noticed anything go wrong yet with this latest one.
Thing is, we're dealing with Forerunner tech here. Tech that is potentially connected to a dangerous weapon. Now, whether or not you believe in the Astral Cutlass is irrelevant right now. We don't really know what we're dealing with there ultimately, it could be literally anything. The relics are a bit more known to us. And we've see what they're capable of. Well, we've seen at least one's capabilities. Unless someone else knows what that Crystal thing does is anything. Oh uh, I see we have a call. Um hello.
We do know, please do not jinx us right now.
Taq? What are you-
Look, this is a long story and I do not have time to explain. Too many preparations and possibly a lot at stake. All you need to know is we are dealing with a fairly sensitive if not dangerous group of artifacts that need the utmost care when dealing with them. By the way, if you see anything weird in the next hour or so, don't worry it won't be a problem for much longer. One way or the other.
I... I don't understand.
Trust me, it would make your brain hurt if I told you. That's not insult to your intelligence, half of this shit right now is making my brain hurt. Wish us luck.
Luck on what, hello? Um... uh, okay that was unnerving. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, like seriously, nothing at all. So, let's go to our next request shall we? Oh here's a special request, made anonymously, let's take a listen.
(If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher)
Well that was a nice song and- oh we have a call. Hello, you're on the air?
Who the fuck requested that? Is this fucking funny to you? Are you fucking having a laugh!? Seriously, the fuck!?
Oh my Ocean, it's Shipmaster Zek! Sir, so nice to have you on the program. How are you-
Who the hell made that request, Boz? Who is being fucking cheeky?
I... I'm not sure why... what do you mean, sir? I was just playing a request-
Look, I get it, you're just the messenger, but you have no idea the kind of day... days... whatever, all I know is that this is some bullshit! That stupid bottle song was one thing, but now I know someone is fucking with us!
Zek, I have literally no idea what you're talking about, sir. I'm just playing songs here.
I wanna know who made that fucking request, Boz! It was Haverson, wasn't it? He's enjoying this the fucking prick, I just know it!
I have not recieved a single call from Lieutenant Haverson since this show began airing. I'm not even sure if he's a fan of the music we play here.
I don't care, someone is fucking with me and I demand to know... Grunt, back off. You know this is bullshit! ... Yes I'm aware we have to get ready but seriously, you're listening to the same-... How do you know? Did you listen to the whole six hour broadcast? ... Oh, you did. Fuck. Just fuck this.
I am... I am at loss folks. This is a very rare moment of speechlessness. Uh, Sir, since I have you, mind addressing the troops a bit?
I'll explain this shit later, right now, everyone get ready to hold onto their asses. And Boz, play something that isn't... well just, I don't know, play whatever! I need to get ready, bye.
Bye, sir. Well uh, I guess we'll just move on now. Here's "Down Under" by Men at Work. Yeesh, what is with everyone today?
(Down Under by Men at Work)
Alright folks I think it's time, especially after that last call, to have another Zek Reviews segment. I'm sure that will make our Shipmaster more than a little happy to... oh um, one moment. I've just been informed Zek sent a replacement track to the segment we were originally going to air. And it's not a movie but an entire series. Strange, I didn't think he'd have time something like this. Oh well, he is the Shipmaster, his ship, which he is the master of. Let's press ahead.
The only real solace I'm getting right now is the fact I've recorded this one over and over enough at this point that it is now second nature. Perhaps even my general thoughts have coalesced into a freakishly direct point of opinion at this rate. So here we go, as best as I can and as fast as I can because I have to go soon and fix some major science bat shit. Long story, you'll probably learn about it all later. Here's my thoughts on animated series, Black Lagoon.
This is the story of a loser named Rock who ends up getting kidnapped by some badass pirates who are in general better at everything than he is. Rock's a loser working for a bunch of assholes. Said assholes decide he's a liability and basically decide that it's okay if he dies, so long as they get back the stuff they sent him off to the South Pacific with. That's an ocean on Earth by the way. Apparently, they don't want to really pay ransom to get it back and care even less about him dying in the process of getting their stuff back. Some loyalty, eh?
So what does Rock do? He joins the pirates of course and is now working with them to basically loot and plunder the seas. He still kinda sucks though, because he's not cut out for this work, but he's learning, sorta. Along his journey into the world of piracy he has to face a lot of crazy, murderous and at times quick to anger individuals that comes with the job. He is of course forced to adapt as anyone in this profession must do. Basically it's like any story of any young pirate's rise to greatness. It's just a human is the lead character instead of one of us.
Rock however is just one of the leads and technically he isn't even the real star of the show. That honor goes to a female human, surprising for their species. Not that their females aren't capable, I'm just surprised for once they have a female that's clearly better at her job and even more deadly at it than her male counterpart. Her name is Revy, or Revy "Two Guns", because she always seemed to find a way to use a weapon in each hand. Even if it's a grenade launcher. To be honest, if If could figure out how to use a Concussion Rifle in each hand I would. Those bitches be cumbersome.
Revy does not care about that, in fact she barely cares at all. She is a wild child of the most vicious and murderous streak. Clearly comes from a shit background, molded by crap circumstances and forced to harden herself in an uncaring and unfeeling world. And she has taken to it swimmingly. She is never more happier than when she is killing whole scores of douchebags who think she can't possibly take them all on because she's a female. Stupid fuckers don't live long after that of course. Not to say she doesn't have her softer side, I mean we all do, but she keeps it hidden because that's the smart thing to do.
Oh and she has the biggest sailor's mouth in the history of sailors, human or kig-yar. You will be amazed at all the ways she can find to take a swear word or curse and mold it into a beautiful analogy for their situation or some sick twisted image. Because that's always nice to see, creativity is a lost art in this profession, especially in swear words.
Now, you have probably guessed and guessed right, that a show like this has tons of action. And while not every episode is jam packed with the stuff, there is a ton of it regardless. Lots of explosions, a ton of murder, some of the craziest sequences of carnage you could ever hope to see. Remember that grenade launcher in both hands thing I mentioned? Yeah, Revy does that while jumping from boat to boat to boat and killing everyone in sight. It's fucking hlarious. Also, there's one really good example of why you do not do a monologue in front of your enemy during a standoff. I love how a lot of these human shows and movies are nice instructional guides to our profession, but I digress.
You'll come for the balls to the wall action, but you'll stay to watch how our heroes survive in this shit world they live in. Although it's probably not very apt to call them heroes because they're not that. They specifically try to explain that this isn't the place for heroes. Something I can more than agree with in many cases. Right now though, I mostly feel like some folks expect too much of some people to accomplish some things that are a bit outside their damn aera of expertise... but hey, when you're stuck in a shitty situation and no one else can do shit about it, I guess you just got own the fucking cards you got dealt. Which is what Rock and Revy do a ton in this series as well. Does that make'em heroes, no it makes them survivors and that's what matters at the end of he day I say.
Oh but here I am being cryptic again and you're all probably super fucking confused. Look, let's just stay on topic here. Black Lagoon is a series that most exemplifies the traits of the kig-yar in human form. We're all kinda fucking broken someway. Maybe we fucked up with a previous job or family or... in our love life. Maybe all three really. But what matters is that, even if you're broken, damaged, a fucking freak, you can take it all and make yourself a fucking badass if only you have the guts to stick a fork in life's eye and take it for a fucking ride. And that's what I do. What I do everyday in fact.
Live by the lessons of Revy "Two Guns", mates. Life will always shit on you, no matter how hard you try. So when it does, fucking cap it in the fucking groin and stomp on the wound. Just keep stomping until it starts twitching and gives up the fucking ghost. Make life your fucking, bitch, I say. And that's what I'm going to be doing very soon in fact.
Ugh, damn it, I got off track again. Look, the point is, Black Lagoon is a series all pirates should watch. It's mandatory for anyone who cares about awesome action and a crash course in why piracy exists and why it is true freedom in many respects. And it's even got an important lesson about crewmates and shit. Rock and Revy have some shit going on in their lives, but they do got each other. And because of that they can survive anything, with his unique business savy and her... well... you know, fuck the world attitude with a gun to the fucking head of it. Because the world fucking sucks and the best way you can survive it, is with a trusted crew.
And I trust all of you, I really do. So, I hope to at least make this all right by you. You deserve that much of a chance at least. See you... hopefully. Then we can all watch Black Lagoon together.
Well that wasn't nearly as drunk sounding, but I'm still a bit weirded out. Sometimes I think our Shipmaster has a bit too much on his mind. Ah well, stresses of the job. I don't know anyone who'd want that burden. I just wanna play music. Sir, I think you're doing a great job and the rest of the lads think so too. Try not to worry so much, whatever funk this is, we'll get over it. We always do. Hell, given everything we've survived, how bad can this problem, whatever it is, be?
Yeah, probably not a good idea to tempt fate there. Let's just move on to our next request. This one is going out to the 4th Marine Squad's leader. I have a feeling I know what his name is, let's take a listen.
(Hey Jude by The Beatles)
Another song by those bug people musicians. Although, I'm assuming they weren't actual bugs. Still, they have good songs. Now then lets get started with another-
(A brief silence occurs as the transmission appears to be interrupted.)
Sorry uh, folks, we went offline there. I'm assuming that whatever experiment is being conducted today is being done now so... (Low rumbling as frequency becomes distorted) What in the (Static) -ats going o-(Static) -oly fucking sh- (Static)Wah, ow! Fuck that hur- (static) Uh technical difficulties folks, um (static) if anyone else is experiencing some strange things going on. Like (static) or maybe you're floating around aimlessly and bashing into bulk-(Static) Oh shit not aga- OOF! (Static and the sound of what we presume is Boz slamming into the ceiling and then the floor) Fucking shit! Uh, playing a song! Going to a song! Next qued request!
(Tomorrow from the musical "Annie", but highly distorted in various spots as it speeds up, slows down, repeats lines and plays normally at random intervals)
(Songs ends, but there is a brief silence before Boz returns)
Is... is it over? Are we alive? The fuck happened? Hey, if anyone is out there, can you... can you explain what the fuck is going on? Please! Please do not tell me I'm the only one left? I do not want to go outside my station right now and find nothing there. I... I seriously can't handle that right now. Like, it's kinda fucking scary to even think about. Is anyone even hearing this? Am I still transmitting? Seriously, hello? Oh thank the ocean, a caller. You're on.
I have no idea what the hell that was, only that we got pinwheeled around down here in the carrier's hangar. Then I think I saw a double of myself flip through a portal and then I fell through the floor and flipped through the air and landed on my ass! We're okay though.
Holy shit, that was weird. Oh wait, another call.
Okay, everything is fine now, but I was stuck on the ceiling for a bit. Then I ended up in another room and came out to watch myself get sucked into the ceiling. I'm... I'm at loss right now.
You have no idea what sort of loss I'm at myself. Oh, wait, we're getting something over the line. ... Crisis averted, everything back to normal. ... Crisis? What crisis? The fuck is even going on? Can someone in charge explain to me what the fuck happened? Oh, we got a call.
This is Doctor Catherine Halsey, I am calling to send a ship wide message to any listening. We had an incident, one that has been affecting this fleet for a while. It is resolved now. To explain simply, we were trapped in a temporal paradox that kept us repeating over and over again. It is resolved and everything has returned to normal. More Details to follow.
Temporal paradox? What in the fuck? Well, always an adventure aboard this fleet of ours. It seems we have been in the middle of another friggin insane weirdo relic thingy and didn't know it. I'm sure details will follow. Right now, another request that came in before everything went to shit. "Everyday" by Buddy Holly.
(Everyday by Buddy Holly)
I'm starting to wonder is these songs weren't all trying to warn us of something. Ah well, whatever. Oh we have another a call. Hey there, have a request?
Sort of, this is Grunt, part of Shepard's Krant.
Oh the Krogan, right. I don't think you've called in for a good while. Well what can we do for you today, Grunt?
It shouldn't be hard. Very simple really. You know that song "Wake me Up before you Go-Go," by those Wham people?
Oh yeah, that was one of the first requests actually. Yeah that's a funny song do you want us to play it ag-
I want you to never play it ever again. EVER.
Um... what?
Never play that song again or I will find you and smash your console to bits.
Uh... okay. But I've only ever played it once so-
Blacklist it, I don't care. Never play it again. I swear, I'm not kidding here. I never want to hear that song ever again! EVER! Are we clear on this?
I... I think so? Maybe?
Good, we have an understanding then.
Well, uh, that was intense. I guess some people just really don't certain kinds of music. Oh well, I'm still winning this bet with Joker either way. So let's see what else is on the request chart shall we? So long as it's not anything by Wham. I think it's best if I do not anger the giant reptile who could snap me like a twig. I am... I am not prepared to make that kind of sacrifice for any song really.
Solus' Notes: Time Loop appears to have negligible affect on all parties. Nothing substantial to report medically. Psyhcologically, concerned for Grunt and Zek. Unsure how experience has effected them in general. Grunt seems most well adjusted. Zek refuses check up. Most stubborn. Advise some form of psychiatric care. Suggest Yeoman Chambers. Fairly adept in field. Very empathetic. Could help. Out of hands otherwise.
Crew that experienced temporal anomalies somewhat shaken, but otherwise unharmed. Although difficult to say how anyone would feel after events. Watching past and future versions of self tumble about in negative gravity. Most distressing. Lucky none interacted with past or future versions directly. Contact possibly disasterous. Or not. Was never adept in quantum mechanics. Prefer observable sciences. Less speculation. Medicine rarely guessing game.
This entire experience is hard to comment on. I am only aware of the final and latest "loop", as it were. Like Professor Solus, I am no quantum scientist, all I know is that this time loop, caused by the crystal, only further highlights my many concerns. Gathering these artifacts and keeping them out of the hands of the Covenant remains a high priority. If they had this level of technology they could destroy us with even greater ease. We probably wouldn't even know they were doing because we'd likely cease to exist.
This crystal cannot be obtained by the enemy, at any cost. We must consider potential means to mitigate the dangers of its capture. As well as contingencies for what to do if that seems inevitable. There are however, greater concerns.
What Zek could've done during the loops is negligible, as I understand it, anything he did would be erased in the next loop and we would have no memories of it. We cannot exactly trust him to be honest of course and I doubt Grunt was able to keep an eye on him at all times. I'm willing to accept that he was probably revealing his true colors more overtly than usual. It is in his nature to take advantage of these situations after all. But there is little we can do about that.
Beyond that, there is the fact we have still been transported back in time by a number of weeks. I have considered possibilities, all of them greatly dangerous and untestable at the moment. We could travel back to Halo, perhaps warn ourselves of what is going to happen there, but that would possibly create a paradox that could end up killing us all. I am not prepared to risk that. It is likely, in estimation, we have already interfered with the past enough.
If Halsey's theory is correct, and I do not see a reason to doubt her given the backup information Cortana has provided, we passed into the time bubble some time ago. Perhaps even before we got to Reach. If so, that would explain why we were able to find any survivors at all. Given that possibility, we've already risked enough in that aspect. We need to be more careful going forward. Time travel is not exactly a proven field of study and I am not willing to let this fleet act as guinea pig. Not with everything currently at stake.
Furthermore is the disturbing information Shepard and the Master Chief brought back from the future. Assuming it wasn't some kind of trick or illusion, my concerns should be obvious. The Covenant perhaps are in the middle of a massive invasion preparation phase. They have likely found Earth and are working on rebuilding technology to enable them to invade another universe and who knows what else after that. We need to find their staging area and work on locating this transdimensional device. And if we cannot do either, then we must prevent them from achieving any other advantage. Namely, with these relics they are hunting for.
Of course, that is not my only concern. Strange as it may be, we might have a more human threat on our hands.
Shepard has given me full specs on Cerberus. He retained most of them until now as he didn't feel they would be a threat so soon. A fair assumption, I believed he would share more when the time was right, it seems that time is now. Cerberus, despite claiming to be defenders of Humanity, are perverters of it. They will go to any disgustingly horrendous lengths to achieve these goals, even if it means harming other humans in the process. While some at ONI would probably marvel at their abilities to stay financed and sufficiently covered despite their opposition to their universes' Earth's government, I do not. They are clearly a danger and far more cunning than most Insurrectionists would dare be.
The idea of them infiltrating this universe and, somehow, actually flying around in the current sector of space we're stuck in, perhaps listening in on our communications, is a concern. The idea that they intercepted my attempted transmissions to home? Worse. We need to be on the look out for these insurgents from another dimension. We cannot allow these relics to fall into the hands of radical terrorists with little regard for anyone's livlihood but their own. I shudder to think how many there are and what else they know about our fleet, if anything at all.
The list of potential threats on this mission is growing, as well as the unknown variables each comes with. Pirates, Covenant, terrorist cells, no one should have this many fronts to deal with in any combat situation. A veritable free for all of dangerous enemy forces. We need to remain vigilant and get this mission done as soon as possible. We cannot risk these Relics being used by anyone who could seek to harm this or any other reality.
Regards,
Lieutenant Elias Haverson,
Office of Naval Intelligence
AN: Well, Happy Thanksgiving to my American, Readers. I promised I'd get BBR up and running soon and here it is. I hope you enjoy seeing the last crop of chapters from the perspective of Boz and the average schmucks who have to deal with this craziness. Expect the next update on BBR to be awhile as the next story arc is a bit of a long one. See you there.
