Truth in my lies (eyes).
I could have left right then.
I could have let my smile grow and just turned and walked away.
But that would be too easy. Too perfect.
Too unlike me.
So we stand there, smiling like fools. Fools faced with the realization of a dream. At least, a dream on my part. I don't know what her problem is. I smile even more at that crude thought. I can feel Max next to me, dying of the stretch of silence. He hates awkward pauses. So I break it for him.
"Why are you down here? Besides, you know..." I gesture at the cigarette smushed into the ground. I didn't know she smoked. How does she run that hard, that fast, and smoke? Not fair. She shrugs.
"I was bored." She says, the words rolling out of her mouth like she's said them a million times before. I nod.
"Yeah, me too." I agree. I glance over at Max, who is holding his grin in. His favorite lesbo is talking to her crush. Its like a parent's first Christmas pagent, and their kid is Mary. He jumps into the conversation.
"Yeah, I just needed more carbs." He gestures toward the fried-junk-stand. Ashley smiles ruefully, shaking her head. Her curls bounce and I keep my eyes on her crinkling nose. I want to reach out and touch it ..right...there. Smooth out that crinkle. Her eyes flick back to mine. Huge brown pools that totally freeze me. "I'll be right back." Max says and he hurries off before I can stop him. Even try to.
"So...where's Tyler?" She asks.
"Who?" And I'm not trying to be funny, but honestly, who cares about Tyler? Who can even remember what he looks like? She gives me a look and smiles.
"Your boyfriend...Tyler." I laugh. Boyfriend.
"Tyler? Yeah right. No way, not again." Is it just me or did her smile just widen? Its just me. Don't they say that when you want something so bad, you start to imagine it? Well, I must be really good at imagining things, because her teeth are showing now and I'm smiling back just as wide.
"And Aiden?" I ask, just to be sure. Just to hear her say it.
"Who?" She asks, echoing my words. A soft smile plays over her face. I grin and shake my head. Max walks back up to me-with perfect timing, as usual-and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I can smell his fried snickers from here. In the south, they fry everything. He offers me a bite but I shake my head, not opening my mouth to the smell. My stomach is flip-flopping so fast I'm afraid to even think of food, much less eat it.
"So, we're gonna head back up." Max says. Thank god. I don't know how long I could stand here, my heart racing so fast, without have a heart attack. Wait a minute. Levaing is not a good thing. Ashley nods.
"Alright. I'll talk to you later." Her eyes find mine, capture mine, steal them. Blind them to everything else that lingers around us. I don't even know if all of it, those tall cement poles riding above us, if they even exist even more. And it doesn't even matter. But I smile anyway.
"K. Bye." I can't pull my eyes away. My feet are shuffling backwards, over the rocky ground. But my eyes stay transfixed on this brunette beauty. She smiles again. And Max grabs my arm and turns me around. Turns me back into the real world, where rules and awkwardness and broken hearts still exist. Where I prefer not to live most of the time.
"Hey, Spencer! Welcome back!" Max says quietly. Sarcastically. "Nice of you to finally join us." I smile a little sheepishly and roll my eyes.
"I was here Max." I say quietly, my voice apparently back there with the girl of my dreams. Or maybe he's just too right for me to argue. He rolls his eyes back at me.
"You were so far from here, you needed a telescope."
I pull out another cigarette, light it with half-frozen fingers, and suck in a long drag. I taste it all the way down. I'm pretty sure its the first breath I've taken in the past ten minutes. Ever since I looked up to see her gazing toward me. I don't know if she could see me or not, but that constant gaze, it made my heart race. My thoughts loose.
My heart melt.
I skipped today, all day. I haven't done that in a while, but I needed to relax. Things were getting away from me again, with breaking up with Aiden and talking to her-talking to her- yesterday. She seems so sweet and confident and secure. The way her eyes dance and she smiles when she talks. She makes me feel more there. And also gone, too.
I'm still a little off.
We shook hands. Who shakes hands anymore? But we did. She offered her hand, I took it. And then we talked and now I can't think straight. She's gorgeous. Absolutely more gorgeous than anyone I've ever seen.
I'm not nervous about liking her. I like girls. All of my close friends know it-not counting Aiden, who is oblivious as he is to everything else. I guess I'm just a little more apprehensive about being rejected with her. Because I really really want her to like me back. And I have a feeling she does.
And that's a good feeling.
And so I'm standing here, freezing my fucking ass off under these windy bleachers with only a cigarette for warmth, and thinking about her. Scanning the bleachers to my right where I know she'll appear in a few minutes. To watch her climb the stairs and see if I can spot her adorably red nose from here.
I'm ready for first period Monday-god, two whole days, but I'm ready for her to be there. I want to see her now. I've got it bad, haven't I? So bad. And we talked. Yay. I smile through my cigarette at my total sixth-grade crush. What happened to just going for it?
Not that I don't know the answer.
Spencer Carlin happened.
"So then Barcliff kept asking me if I wanted to go this school, since I obviously wasn't showing the 'proper respect for school values' and then he kicked me out. Again." Jenna finished her little speech with a look. It said "teachers are stupid" and that's about it. We all laughed, just at that look. Jenna can say a million things with her face.
"Is that why you kept walking by my class?" I ask, leaning back in the booth. I pop a fry in my mouth and study Jenna's face. Its a bad habit, studying people. I've been doing it for years. Watching for subtle clues that can tell you everything about a person. The way their eyebrows twitch or their mouth curls. The flick of their eyes or the crinkle of their forehead. Its a different language, one that I am, unfourtanately, fluent in. It's a blessing and a curse. Jenna smiles brightly.
"Yep." She waves a fry in my face. "And you were totally flirting with that blonde guy." She says. I widen my eyes.
"Derek? Are you kidding?" I ask, completely caught off guard. That's the randomest thing I've ever heard. Sure I talk to him, but...ok, yeah, I'm a flirt. Jenna raises an eyebrow.
"You can't fool me, hun." She says. I roll my eyes.
"Nope. You got me Jen." She smirks and sits back.
"Knew it."
"Let's go." Tyler says, standing up from his precarious position on the edge of the booth. He slides his hands in his pockets, a move that used to make me swoon. Used to. Now the moves that make me swoon usually involve swinging curly hair and wrinkling noses.
"Okay." Everyone agrees and we're back out in the freezing weather. Shivering and huddling close, because now it really is cold. Now I really am freezing. My phone buzzes angrily from my pocket but I ingore it in favor of keeping warm hands.
"Shotgun!" Jenna calls and starts literally sprinting to the car. She flings it open and dives in. Tyler is only moments behind, starting the car with a gorgeous rumble that promises warmth and heat. I climb into the back of his yellow Xterra, huddled between Rachel and Addie. Warmth slides back to us, over our red cheeks and frozen noses.
I slide my phone out of my pocket and check my calls. One missed call it reads. I click again.
9:27 p.m.
Derek Reed.
...Oops.
