Chapter 9

Eddie awoke Tuesday to the smell of bacon and pancakes. At her insistence, her mother had left the morning before, and she spent the rest of the day in a depressed mood moping around the apartment. She glanced at the alarm clock on the side table and groaned when she saw it was 6:40. She was still on medical leave for the remainder of this week, but she knew that Jamie was planning on going back into the office today. Part of her felt guilty for being happy about that, about wanting to push him away, and the other part knew she would be terribly lonely sitting here by herself without him. He had handled her mother with kid gloves, and tried so hard over the past several days to be supportive of her no matter what she threw at him. She banged her head back up against the wall behind her in an effort to get a handle on her thoughts. She'd always been an emotional person, but this week's run of hormonal ups and downs was taking that to new heights it seemed. "Time to get a grip on yourself, Janko," she frowned as she sat up, slipped on some socks and walked out of the bedroom into the hallway.

Jamie was in the kitchen, oblivious to her as he was frying bacon at the stove with his back turned as she approached. He was a million miles away in his thoughts, and did not hear her come up behind him in her socked feet. "Hey…" she started to greet him as she touched his back and then watched in horror as her unexpected appearance startled him and he dropped the spatula into the pan, spattering a heavy amount of hot grease onto the thin skin of his bare wrist.

"OW, DAMN IT!" he cried out in pain as he hurriedly pushed the pan back off the glowing element and raced over to the sink to run cold water over the burn, offering a slew of other four-letter words in his wake.

"Jamie! I'm so sorry!" Eddie rushed over to him. "I'm so sorry!" she repeated. "Is it bad? Let me see!" she cried as she clutched at his arm.

Jamie reached around behind him with his left hand and grabbed her shoulders. "It's okay," he grimaced as he held his other arm underneath the faucet where a large angry red welt was already visible and threatening to blister. "It's nothing. I'll be fine."

"Oh God, it's my fault," she cried as she saw the ugly mark and pulled away, slumping down on a kitchen chair. "All of this is my fault!"

"Eddie," Jamie sighed as he composed himself. "This was an accident. It's not your fault. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing."

"Why can't you be angry with me?" she snapped. Suddenly this was about far more than a little kitchen mishap.

"What?" he asked in surprise as he looked over at her with his brow furrowed. "Eddie, honey, why would I be angry with you?"

"You should be angry with me!" she insisted, her blue eyes blazing. "I should have known! I should have paid more attention! If I did, none of this would have ever happened! It's my fault! Don't you get that yet?"

Jamie abruptly realized what the argument was really about now. He grabbed a clean dishtowel from the drawer and soaked it in the cold water, wrapping it around his arm as he came to sit down at the table across from his wife. She was balled up on the chair with her arms crossed tightly over her chest and was struggling to keep her jaw clenched so it would stop quivering.

"Eddie," he said gently, "are you angry with me?"

"What?" her eyes flashed over to him, furious and sorrowful all at the same time.

"Are you angry with me?" Jamie repeated calmly. "Honey, the doctor told us that whatever happened was probably wrong from the start and that could have been why you didn't have a sense of what was going on. If that's the case, then there's a fifty-fifty chance it was my fault. I mean it took both of us to end up in this situation, so if I should be angry with you, then you have just as much right to hate me for it. Don't you think that's been running through my head since this happened?"

Eddie flinched at the word 'hate' and her eyes softened. She could never hate Jamie for something like this… something he couldn't control, yet that was exactly what she was expecting him to do. Some small part of her realized he was right, and she inched just a tiny bit towards forgiving herself. For the hundredth time that week the tears began running down her face again, but this time they were a little bit more cleansing.

"How can it be so hard to lose something you never even knew you had?" she sobbed as he came around the table and picked her up, carrying her to the couch where he could sit close to her.

"I don't know," Jamie said softly as he wrapped his good arm around and cradled her from behind. "I was so afraid, Eddie. When that 10-13 call came in and I was in my dad's office, all I could think about was you. I don't even remember how they got me to the hospital. And then when I saw you in the ER and the doctor brought that image up on the screen... before we knew… in that split second I would have jumped in front of a train to protect both of you. I guess we're just hard-wired that way. That was our child, Eddie, and it's okay to feel such a loss. I'm very sad about what happened, but no, I'm not angry with you. I love you and that's not gonna change, ever."

"What if it never happens, now?" Eddie turned her sad eyes around towards Jamie. There was that look again, the one he couldn't bear. "What if we can never have one of our own? My friend Marci went through this twice and gave up after trying for four years and her husband divorced her. You're like a kid magnet, Reagan," she said, thinking back to all the times on patrol when a frightened child had latched onto Jamie no matter what the situation was. "Little ones run to you all the time to protect them. They trust you and your family is so important in your life... what if I can't give that to you?"

"You are my family, Edit Katalin Janko Reagan," Jamie said as he rested his forehead against hers. "You're my family and the most important thing to me right now. We'll cross that bridge when it comes… if it comes...together, as partners all right? If something doesn't happen one way when we're ready to try again, then we'll find another. I promise you." He sat with her like that for several minutes until he felt some of the tension ease out of her body. "Now, how about we get the first aid kit and get me fixed up. I'll drop by Danny's later and have Linda take a look at my arm if it gets any worse. Are you going to be all right here alone if I still go into work this morning? Pop's gonna stop over at lunchtime. He's worried about you and wouldn't take no for an answer this time."

"Yes," Eddie said, nodding with a little bit of newfound conviction as she pulled herself back together, "I think I'm going to be okay."

"That's good to hear," Jamie said as he drew her back in for a kiss. "We have some stuff to talk about tonight. Dad told me that you and Wilson are up for commendations for catching that mugger, but we can discuss that later, all right? I love you Edit Reagan, now don't you ever forget that."

###

As promised, a solid knock was heard on the apartment door at exactly noon. Eddie peeked through the keyhole and smiled when she saw Henry standing outside. She quickly unlocked the door to let him in.

"Hey, there's my girl," he said as he came in carrying a bag from his favorite deli. "I've got pastrami from Neils and a chicken club from Townsen's; your choice."

"Aw, Pop, that was so nice of you," Eddie smiled. "I'll take the chicken... I know how much you like the pastrami."

"You got it," he said as he set the bag down on the counter. Eddie grabbed some plates from the cabinet and joined him at the table.

"So I take it you were able to get Jamie out of the apartment and off to work this morning," Henry observed as he started to eat his sandwich. He did not miss the shadow that passed over Eddie's face before she answered and explained the events that occurred. It felt good to talk about it with someone who appeared neutral; her mother had been quick to not so subtly criticize Jamie for every action he took. Eddie thought that was probably the result of her parents' own troubled marriage and her father's actions, but it was hurtful anyway.

"Sweetheart, he would never blame you for something like this," Henry said finally. "There's no one to find fault with in these situations. Trust me, I know," he added sadly. He continued when Eddie tilted her head questioningly at him, "Can I tell you a secret? Something that Jamie doesn't even know?"

She nodded, entranced.

Henry pulled out his wallet and thumbed through a back pocket, sliding out a folded sepia photo of a smiling little boy. "I just shared this with Francis not too long ago; something his mother and I kept from him all these years. This is Peter Christopher, our oldest son. He died from leukemia when he was eighteen months old, just a year before Jamie's father was born."

Eddie put her hand up to her mouth and looked at Henry with wide eyes. "How... how did you?"

"How did we get over it?" Henry finished for her. "We didn't Eddie, you don't ever, really. Betty tried to hide it away, and I went along with it because that's what she wanted, but we never really got over it. Once Francis was born she decided she didn't want any more children, but I thank God everyday that we tried again after we lost Peter and had another, otherwise there would have been no Danny or Erin, Joe or Jamie. I'd be alone right now, maybe still sitting in that house you bought all by myself just like Ella was."

Eddie grabbed Henry's hand across the table after they talked for a few more minutes. He had given her a sense of great peace. "Thank you," she whispered as she gave him a small smile. "I love you, Pop."

"Love you too, sweetheart," he said. "You're stronger than you think, Eddie. You're gonna be just fine."