A/N-I'm sorry, please don't kill me. I know I haven't updated for a long time, but I've been battling a virus on my computer, and just recently managed to bring my computer back from the brink of death. Sigh, need new anti virus software, but have to wait until dad comes home. Better yet, a new laptop! Yay, hopefully. Anyways, sorry. I had a good excuse!!
Morning, greeted with chirping birds, and the shine of sunny rays. I hated them all, hated them for pulling me out of my hypnosis trance of a sleep. Sleep where I forgot everything. Sleep where I could rest. But now, all I feel is guilt, and regret. Empty I am, and I believe, I shall grow emptier as time passes.
There was a knock on the door. A servant was on the other side of the door. She was nervous, and anxious to deliver the message and scram. "You have a guest, going by the name Kakashi,"
"You may leave," I commented, and I hear the soft scuttling of her feet as she fled. Was I really that… unbearable? But who cares, I don't.
I dressed in my robes, something I had lived without in those weeks. To feel there heaviness, and clustering around my body; to have my hair pinned up delicately with a flower and several bells. I wasn't sure if I missed it, or missed the absence of the formality. But, I could never go back to that carefree time, where I so desperately wanted to know my past. And I can't return to this present life, being haunted by ghosts of my innocent family. Who am I really? Where does my path lay? Who else must be sacrificed as I walk this road alone? Who will understand?
"Fuya,"
"Kakashi…"
Silence was an unpleasant spirit that blocked our vision, that and a large expanse of silk. The HoKein's are very strict, and not seeing any other strangers, especially males were part of the rules. But who else could enforce them now? Who else had the HoKein blood running through them, keeping them alive? Me, and only me. So, why not live on the wild side, like I wasn't HoKein Shioe. Like I was just a girl called Fuya.
I walked out of the isolated box, wearing a fake smile. "How are you doing, is everything good?"
"Well, I've heard you've been a little depressed lately. You've been staying in your room, and refusing people to come in,"
I looked up, did that sound like me? "I'll be fine in a day or so,"
"Is it grief?" Kakashi asked, definitely not convinced.
I madly shook my head, not that it seemed to stop any of his suspicions.
"I was like that when my teammates died. I can understand," he added "You feel like it's your entire fault. I can understand telling you to 'get over it', wouldn't be ideal. In fact, I think no one would/could ever possibly do that. It'll always remain a part of us. We'll never forget them, but we have to know, blaming yourself isn't going to bring them back to life,"
There was more to his speech, but I just couldn't take it in. I was tired, tired of being who I wasn't. Whether I was Fuya, or Shioe, I was never myself. I was just what everybody saw me as. 'Sad orphan girl'. 'Confused Kunoichi'. 'Dangerous, and depressed teen'. 'The Head of the HoKein'. 'Lucky girl who survived the Earthquake'. And so on…
I waved goodbye to him, only feeling more depressed. I slid a few kunai out of my robe and walked into the private training grounds. With deadly accuracy I ditched them at the board. One by one until I had only one left, and the other nine were embedded deeply in the red bulls eye. I was just about to throw the last one in a frustrated state when Hidan jumped out. "You sure are angry today? The hell happened?"
"Nothing,"
"…Really?"
"Yes, Hidan. You should leave me for a while,"
He growled "I'm not a f***ing servant you can just dismiss like that! And I'm not stupid!"
I ignored his little rant, retrieved my kunai for another round of training. Boring, but it served as an excuse to not pay attention to Hidan.
A few days later Meiro appeared at my gates. Of course I welcomed her. Maybe I could relieve myself, and talk to a normal person. She shouldn't care a little about my status now. She was so lucky…
"Fuya!" she yelled "This place is huge!"
"Thank you, I'm glad you could visit,"
Meiro smiled, it reached up to, and beyond her eyes. "Don't worry, I'll definitely come back!"
We sat down at a table, and I poured some green tea into her cup whilst listening to her update me on the events outside of the building.
"Well, they've got all the buildings up and working! And everything's turning to the good, well as good it can get! But I heard from Kakashi-sensei you're depressed,"
My smiled dropped as soon as I heard those words, 'depressed', 'Kakashi'. My mood was like a cloudless fine day that suddenly started hailing tennis ball sized ice. "Oh,"
"This might be harsh and all, but get over it. (Totally contradicts Kakashi! LOL). Everyone's been through pain, and heaps of people have lost friends of relatives in this disaster. You're not the only one, and everyone is getting on with their lives. I'm sure they'd, your family would hate to see you sulking like this," she mused "They'd want to see you smile and be happy, right? I'm sure they all love you, and wouldn't blame you at all. In fact, they'd probably tell you to save yourself, and be happy you remembered them,"
I returned more depressed then I was when Kakashi ranted on about his story. I thought seeing a friend would cheer me up, guess I was wrong like always… Hidan seemed to catch a whiff of my angst, and stayed far away. I dipped into the natural river that ran through the back of the land. A few lily pads brushed past. They were anchored down with wiring. I wanted to let them go, like trapped birds in a tiny cage. But, they'd die. I know they would. They would be unable to survive in such a condition. The pretty water lilies would rot; the splendid pink would fade to a dull grey. They would die in such a condition it was better to snap them from the stem. At least give them a quick death… Spare them.
With water they thrive, without water… it was hard to tell. This manor was surrounded with water. Maybe it was because I was born in autumn, the season of loss. Yes, it was beautiful, but sorrowful for the falling was all destined. Like water lilies, tied down and cut off from the other fast flowing plants. Only to watch the others disappear across the horizon. See them move forwards when I could only remain, and guard this place.
I slipped on my clothes, hoping not to bump into Hidan. Maybe then I could be a decent night of sleep. A ninja appeared behind me suddenly. A message on a parchment was handed to me, and they departed as swiftly as they arrived.
'Fuya,
See you in two days. Your parent's funeral will be on then. I'll take you there.
See you then
Kurenai'
I ripped up the piece of paper and threw them into the river. I didn't look back, didn't regret this decision. Never…
