STORY TITLE: Painting the White to Gray
CHAPTER TITLE: Hold My Breath and Count to Ten
AUTHOR: B.J. Sanders
RATING: T (rating may increase in further chapters)
WARNING: Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.
STORY SUMMARY: Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Naruto sees Sasuke in a state never seen before, but things get a little tense between them. How is it that they infuriate each other so much?
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so this chapter I think might be a little longer than the ones before – but that's good right, as this one is a little later that the others. As for the next chapter, I have no idea when that's going to be updated.
In fact, the next chapter might be an interlude, depending on how hard I work on it and whatnot. If I do post an interlude it's probably going to be Kakashi and Iruka in their younger days – how they met, developed their relationship, how they turned out like they did with understanding Naruto and all that.
But that's just a maybe… Maybe.
I have a new dog! She's a sweetheart, but she has a bit of a cold. All the other dogs are really mean to her, so all the humans here are playing Alpha – it's quite interesting to see a Chihuahua running away and trying to growl at the foot chasing him from behind simultaneously.
The new puppy's name is Raven, and she's rottweiler – she has a strange fascination with my room, and she tries to follow me every time I go in there. It interesting. Every time I close the door on her, though, she gives me this pitiful look and just want to hug her and squish her!
Eh, sorry for not updating for so long – I've been lazy and procrastinating, and blaming everything on my job. Go figure… My feet won't stop hurting… of course, it'd probably help if I didn't keep pacing between the registers…
Yesterday and the day before I was majorly depressed, but I didn't know why, so when I was at work, I took 10mg of Lexapro – everytime I yawned, I felt nauseous and dizzy, but I still felt depressed. Today at work, I swear my serotonin levels were sky high – at least. I wouldn't stop smiling! The radio was on and I was singing aloud, talking to myself, pacing between the registers, waving at strangers and going completely nuts! …I think some of the customers were a little freaked out.
I finally got my first paycheck too! So cool! Now I have a checking account, and I have to file (or whatever) for Direct Deposit, but I have no idea what the worksheet says… I feel so stupid…
Ah! Today, at work while I was still in my crazy state I discovered I can count to …three? in at least four different languages! How cool is that!
Okay… I stop boring you with stupid details of my far from exciting life and let you get on with this story.
(Do you know how hard it is to get over an "addiction" – I can't seem to get over mine – any of them. I keep trying to hurt myself in one way or another – make myself sick, don't eat enough, punch something hard, cut myself – I actually thought about buying a bottle of aspirin or something and taking the whole bottle – among other things… I seriously need a doctor or something…)
Right… shutting up.
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He had been crying quietly all evening. It did not show, not a vestige of it, on his face. It was all hidden somewhere and it wouldn't stop.
--"THE STORIES OF RAY BRADBURY", RAY BRADBURY
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The inside of Sasuke's home wasn't what I had really imagined. It wasn't flourishing with butlers and maids as I had expected from the outside view – it was more of a gothic-type setting, with the only servants being a strange old couple who smiled much too often for my liking. It was dark in the main room, the large, fancy windows covered by thick drapes, the lights dimmed considerably; it reminded me vaguely of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
It had crossed my mind several times that it was possible Sasuke could be Rocky, or perhaps Dr. Frankenfurter; I wasn't sure if that thought thrilled me in a good way or bad.
Somewhere on the first floor, Itachi left me to my wanderings, sure that I would happen upon Sasuke's door sooner or later – and I did, positive that it was his by the many ominous warning signs he had posted all over the thick wood; I was almost positive I read something about castration before opening the door, walking into the room as though it was something I did everyday.
Sasuke was lying on his bed, curled into his blankets, seeking some form of warmth he couldn't seem to find. His back was to me, so he didn't know it was me – if I had any doubts, it was when Sasuke opened his mouth to speak, a small squeak compared to his normal voice when he yelled at me. "Aniki?"
He rolled over, his eyes still closed – his lip was still swollen, but the rest of his face was clear of any bruising. "It still hurts, aniki," he whispered, letting loose a quiet whimper
He wasn't opening his eyes, perhaps afraid that I might really be Itachi. I didn't know what had happened, just that something had. I was worried that it might be worse, that once Sasuke removed the blankets and I got to see his wrists they'd be in white bandages, spotted with red.
Or maybe they wouldn't be on his wrists this time, but somewhere else, where he didn't have to cut quite so deep, or maybe some place where he did have to cut deeper. I was almost scared to move closer, but I did, one step at a time until I was standing right beside the bed, within touching distance. If I just held my hand out, I could brush Sasuke's hair from his face, pull the blanket down to see his neck, his wrists…
"Itachi," he whined, wincing a bit as he wormed himself further into the blankets. "Itachi… Big brother, it hurts."
As I watched him, he looked up at me, his large, childish eyes slowly turning back into the spiteful eyes with which he always looked at me; it took a few minutes to realize who I was, that I wasn't Itachi, that I was in his room listening to him cry like a child who had scraped his knee on the sidewalk when he'd fallen.
His dark eyes – they matched the room and the rest of the house – narrowed in rage as he threw the blankets off of him, aiming to hit me in the face before I moved out of the way. I saw his wrists weren't wrapped in bandages, but I did see the bucket by the bed – it reeked of vomit. In the wastebasket by the door was a broken bottle of some prescription or other – vicodin?
Thinking that he would do this – never mind my own attempts – I grew furious. He shouldn't have to do this; he could beat me up all he wanted, break my bones and insult me, but he shouldn't have to do this. My heart wrenched at the thought – of what he was feeling when he had swallowed so many pills.
It made me realize what Iruka and Kakashi must have felt when I didn't talk to them.
He was still trying to hit me, but I was quicker – he was still hurting from whatever he had been crying about earlier; I pounced on him, pinning his arms to his sides as I sat on his stomach, growling out threats in his face. "You stupid bastard," I growled, my voice strained slightly. "You shouldn't have to do this."
I was such a damn hypocrite – preaching against something I lived by to someone who was so much like me, who lived the same way I did. He knew what I was thinking, too, on some level I was sure of it. Perhaps that's the reason he threw his fist at my face again, this time getting his target and reversing our positions.
I was on the bottom, then flipped us over again, only to have my back to the floor once more, all the while trying our hardest to wound the other more. I wasn't sure who was winning, but it ended with several cursed insults, rug burn, and even worse bruises than before.
We stood apart, glaring heatedly, trying to catch our breath. I figured we would start again, but Sasuke turned his back to me, returning to the bed with a beguiling smirk. Bastard. I wanted to fly at him in full rage, but we'd only end up rolling on the floor again.
He didn't stop smirking, giving me a look that told me everything I needed to know: Sasuke was dominant – I was weak; I was not match for him – I probably never would.
I frowned, giving him the harshest glare I could muster – he must have been surprised, as his eyes widened and his eyebrows arched – it was a look of sickness, of betrayal, of something that wasn't quite hatred.
His lips parted to speak, but I didn't give him the chance to say anything, choosing instead to turn abruptly and leave him alone in his bedroom with his bucket of vomit and painful aches. I didn't stop to say farewell to Itachi, or the creepy servants – I needed out of that house as soon as possible before I tried to kill that bastard – or do something even more drastic to myself.
How is it that one guy could manage to piss me off so much?
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Kakashi was waiting for me by the time I arrived home. It never failed to surprise me how he always knew things like that, how he knew when I left or arrived, what went on in my head. He looked about ready to question me, but as he saw the look on my face, he realized it probably wouldn't be the best time; he nodded to me as I passed, knowing I'd be upstairs in my apartment, getting rid of stress in some form or another.
I never have to explain anything to him, and it's comforting sometimes that he knows these things, that he knows how I feel. I don't know how he knows, or why – it's never something I ever really asked, not something I planned on asking, either.
My room was already a mess, so it didn't make much difference when I began tearing things from the wall and knocking over what little furniture I had, scattering clothes and ripping them, screaming out in frustration, no doubt disturbing the neighbors across the hall.
But none of that mattered – I had some serious tension to deal with. If I let it build up like I had in the past it would amount to more painful behavior, more questioning and lectures from Iruka and Kakashi, more shameful looks from my friends and classmates – disapproval from me being the worst.
Kakashi, I knew, would deal with any complaints or questioning the neighbors had – he always did, even before he knew what I was going through. It was just something he'd always done for me, I just didn't understand why. I probably never would.
By the time I finished tearing apart my little home, I felt drained of energy – but not of my frustrating emotions after dealing with Sasuke. I filled the tub in the bathroom with hot water, almost wishing it was at boiling temperature so I could burn my skin away and leave a skeleton for anyone who cared.
I was rude, and harsh, and depressing, but I didn't care – Sasuke hadn't exactly tried to make me feel all warm and guest-like, rather the opposite. Bastard.
Of course, I couldn't blame all my problems on him, as it was obvious that he was dealing with some similar circumstances, if not the same altogether. But neither of us really chose to acknowledge that, choosing instead to beat the hell out of each other until we felt better – it was the closest thing to friendship we'd ever come.
The bathroom was muggy, with steam clouding the mirror and rolling under the door, condensing on every surface available. The tub was finally full, with just enough room for me to submerge without it overflowing over the sides and soaking the floor.
The water wasn't quite to the scalding temperature that I had hoped it would be, but it was hot enough, burning and reddening my tingly skin. It felt almost as though I was melting, nestling into a comfortable burrow for a long night's sleep with a blanket tucked firmly around me.
I dropped my head beneath the surface for a moment, holding my breath but fully intending to come back up for air. I counted to ten before I took fresh, burning air into my lungs, doing it a few more times before deciding that my mind was finally calm enough to sleep restfully, and perhaps return to school without having the urge to kill Sasuke – or anybody else, for that matter.
As I stood and reached for a towel, I glumly realized that I had just soaked another good set of clothes – maybe one of these days I'd learn to take off my clothes before taking a bath.
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To Be Continued…
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Thank you so much for your reviews! I appreciate it!
akiryuu (A little underlying uchiha-cest in this one if you tilt your head and squint.)
Canadian Furiidamu Fighter 117
xcloudx
XxHunter The One and OnlyxX (Haha, didn't you know it's not "spork" it's "foon"! Hehe…)
Kyo's only 1
Midnight Shining Star
AppleCoreCandyBox
kisses1991 (I look forward to reading that fic…)
mack
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Ah, forgive me if anything was wrong or confusing. I did most of this while half asleep, granted 12:30 isn't that late at night, but I worked two days with a-little-more-than-six-hours shifts and I am in need of some serious sleep, as I seem to be part insomniac or something and can never sleep a night through.
Good night all! Or… good morning, as it may be.
Review – it's a good anti-depressant!
