Don't hate me. My apologies for not having this up at 8 like I told some people I would. RL has a way of beating us about the head, n'est-ce pas? I hope you enjoy your cake! Xoxo Dena


Chapter 9

He both hated and loved this all at the same time. Everyone seemed genuinely happy to celebrate his birthday in the same fashion they did every other staff members', but he hated being the center of attention by force of habit and on general purpose. Being the center of attention in his life was always painful or dangerous, so it was difficult to let go enough to where he looked confident and relaxed.

That and these people were entirely too giddy for his comfort. It made his skin crawl, the cheerfulness that they exuded. He usually made it his mission to take the wind out of their sails at least once a day.

He was just glad it was only his colleagues and not a brat in sight. Albus had actually locked and warded the doors against them, thank Merlin. The little heathens only had Filch and his cat to control their hordes tonight.

At a signal from Albus, the food and drink arrived, however moot the drink was. Every staff member had their own special concoction they were sipping from. Albus had—typical—a lemon drop martini. Minerva had something akin to a mojito but Severus suspected it was laced with the catnip form of mint. She had a ridiculously glazed look to her eyes. He couldn't tell what Rolanda was sampling in her flask, or what bubbly concoction Filius drank, but as he looked around the table and eyed their drinks, each staff member was apparently rather set on getting pissed.

Did they have to get pissed in order to enjoy his birthday?

He frowned and drank his 'whiskey' before tucking into something that looked like a cheese and spinach flan. He rather enjoyed flan, with its simple flavors and easily detectable ingredients.

As he brought his fork up to his mouth, he caught a whiff of something that made him pause. He backed the utensil away and sniffed the portion of food, then lifted the small plate to his nose and sniffed again.

There was something in this that wasn't supposed to be...

He looked around at his table mates incredulously. Did they seriously think they could drug a Potions Master, much less one as paranoid as himself?

When he saw that everyone was heartily digging into their own portions, he looked back down to his plate and cried out, "Have you all gone mad?"

He threw his fork down to the table. "Elf!"

The staff finally looked up at his barking command and the elf popped into view, "Yes, Professor Snape?"

"Get me something to eat that isn't tainted with improper ingredients. And do not serve me anything otherwise."

It nodded and snapped off to the kitchens. A moment later, a new flan replaced his old one and after careful sniffing, he finally bit in.

A squeaky voice interrupted his mastication, "Is the spinach off?" He turned to respond to Filius' inquiry when he heard Vector and Sinistra's conversation.

"I had no idea that conk of his was so useful."

Aurora elbowed Septima with a wink, "Oh, I'm sure it's useful for other things."

He leaned over and glared at the stupid cows, "Are you quite finished?"

They just cackled and drank from their oddly shaped glasses, continuing their own conversation.

Ridiculous. Did no one even care why he ordered a new dish? Hmm. Perhaps he'd done this one too many times before...

He leaned forward to speak across Rolanda, "No, Filius, the spinach wasn't off. Someone has added something to the mix."

The flying instructor just barked a laugh and kept eating as the little man observed his plate, "Oh." His white, bushy eyebrows gathered together, then smoothed apart, "Well, I'm sure it was whatever was needed to make it taste better. I've never had flan this good."

Severus looked at Filius as if he were insane, but he was tucking into his first course with gusto. Far be it from him if every one of these idiots wanted to poison themselves. He knew from previous discussions the elves would never let something deadly into the mix, so he satisfied himself to wait and see what exactly this new ingredient did to his colleagues.

The rest of supper went by almost uneventfully, save for the staff beginning to squirm in their seats. Albus was even having a hard time sitting still and it was he that motioned for the cake to come in, "Perhaps after cake we can have dancing?"

That was met by a resounding 'Yes!' except for Severus' plaintive 'NO!' They just laughed and started singing to him as the elves floated the cake in. His heart sped up and he looked to Rolanda. She was watching the cake with avid interest in her yellow eyes as she sang with the others.

Great Merlin, that cake was huge! It came to a stop at least three meters away from the High Table and still loomed too tall.

The song came to an end and...nothing. He blinked and looked around to see if perhaps Hermione had decided not to enter the cake at all and he realized he really didn't have a clue as to what she had planned.

The music cued and everyone took to looking around the room. Wasn't Hermione supposed to be in the cake? Maybe she decided to come in from the staff room. He listened and thought if she was trying to pull off something nefarious, this was not the music to do it to. It was something like a young girl's music box or a lullaby and a vaguely familiar voice started reciting...poetry?

I've posed for pictures with ivory soap

I've petted stray dogs and shied clear of dope

My smile is brilliant, my glance is tender

But I'm noted most for my unspoiled gender

Just as the recitation was speaking of something to do with modeling but never drinking beer, the entire front of the cake opened up as if a giant slice had been taken out...and out stepped...

Hermione in a rabbit costume? She looked ridiculous. His eyes flared and the rest of the staff started chuckling. Rolanda elbowed him, "Ante up, old man."

He tore his eyes away from the rabbit prancing about to such virginal limericks as he reached into his robes for a rather reduced amount of money in comparison with what Hooch was likely expecting.

She felt the bag of coin and then looked in, "You scheister! What is this?"

"Twenty quid. Since that is a muggle term, you should be familiar with the exchange rate."

"Sneaky bastard! I'll let you get away with this since it's your—now what's she doing?"

Severus' head snapped back to Hermione at Rolanda's exclamation.

Hermione had taken off her rabbit head and showed off her rather realistic black rabbit ears sprouting out the top of her head. She then started to unzip the front of the suit as soon as the lyrics said she was 'tired of being pure', then as the music sped up, she stepped out of the suit...

Rolanda handed the money back to him with a gaping mouth, "We're even."

She sounded almost as shocked as he was. Hermione was in an absolutely sinful outfit, with a corset and ruffles and satin gloves and-and-and...Severus thought he might be getting lightheaded with all the blood rushing away from his brain.

He looked to the left to try and focus on something that didn't make him unbearably hard and eager to yank her out of the Hall.

Hagrid looked like he was trying to look away, but couldn't. Aurora and Septima were...his eyebrows lifted. They were entirely too interested in Hermione's latest outfit for his tastes. Filius was tucking into the next course of gazpacho, ignoring everything but his food, and he already knew Rolanda was rolling in her seat, she was laughing so hard.

To his right, Albus looked pointedly between Hermione and him with eyebrows waggling. He glared, ignored him and looked to Minerva. That cat was grinning as if she'd eaten a canary while she sipped her soup. Pomona was laughing just as much as Rolanda and he really didn't care what Sybill's reaction was. She was hiding behind Pomona, anyway.

The music caught his attention at a fast transition and he looked back at Hermione. She was so decadently sexy as she flounced up to the table and lip-synced with the song. The music alone was just...perfectly her. Innocent and tempting, delightfully sweet and sexy...

I want to be evil

I want to spit tacks

I want to be evil

and cheat at jacks

I wanna be wicked

I wanna tell lies

I wanna be mean

and throw mud pies

He became nervous as she sauntered around to the seats at the head table and made her way past each stiff member—oh shite, staff member, he meant staff member. Bloody hell, he was going to be dead before this was through.

She hugged Hagrid, who immediately blushed a deep scarlet, then moved to muss Poppy's hair. She was batted away from the healer and laughed, then pranced a bit and knocked Aurora's hat off her head before touching hers and Septima's shoulders in a light caress. His eyes narrowed at their exchanged glances, but it was when she reached around Filius' neck and untied his cravat that Severus started to get angry.

How dare she show herself off like this? Didn't they have an agreement? She was his, and not to be put on display like this.

Then again, she did give him warning and said she would make them all pay.

He thought they weren't exactly paying as much as he was, though. She completely skipped him after tweaking Rolanda's nose and went to the other end of the table.

Minerva actually handed Hermione her hat and the brat put it on her head with a grin, but it fell off due to her furry antenae. He noticed that she made sure to touch each of the table's occupants as she pranced passed them... His eye narrowed in speculation. Why? What was she up to?

Albus received special attention from her. She grabbed the old man's overlong beard and began fanning herself with it, as if she were too hot. Just when he was sure he'd seen a rather irritated gleam in the headmaster's eyes, Hermione leaned forward, put both hands to his cheeks and kissed his forehead, leaving a large red imprint of her lips behind.

Albus, being the gentleman that he supposedly was, laughed it off and left her lipstick on his forehead, though he made a visible attempt to move out of her range.

She laughed and continued up the line, prancing, poking and dancing her way back to him just as the next verse came to a crescendo,

And whatever I've got,

I'm eager to lose

She swung into his lap in the headmaster's chair and his hands came up automatically to hold her.

I want to be evil

little evil me

She winked at him, grabbed his face between her gloved hands, and kissed him on the mouth. The music came to its closure but he had no idea what it said. His blood was boiling, and for several reasons.

She was kissing him, passionately and in his lap.

She was doing this in public, where any and all could see.

She was dressed like this for him. And in public.

His mind fought between elation and anger as they kissed until he finally snapped and pulled away from her. He slowly became aware of catcalls and clapping. His face flushed hot and he tried to push her away, but she wouldn't have it.

She clung to him and called out to the room's occupants, "What say we go for a bit of dancing, eh?"

Hermione's suggestion was met entirely too enthusiastically by everyone else on staff and they all jumped out of their seats, searching for someone to dance with as Hermione flicked her wand and a dancing tune started playing around them.

She was still on his lap, but at least everyone else wasn't paying attention. She licked her lips and adjusted a bit, digging her corset boning into his stomach. He grunted in response, especially since that same move had rubbed her thigh against his cock.

"What about you, Severus?"

He blinked, trying to find an answer to whatever her question was supposed to be.

She trailed a finger across his shoulder, "Dance with me?"

Amazingly, he found it almost difficult to say, "No."

"Oh, please?" She pouted and blinked up at him and that had him a bit irritated. That was not his Hermione, but the role of some tart— "I went to all this trouble to get them to dance so you would dance with me. I planned it all, even before yesterday."

Her mention of their heated encounter had the exact opposite effect she thought it would. He became angry that she would go so far as to, "You put something in the food."

She winced at his growl, "Actually, I didn't. Fred and George did."

"You tried to poison me."

"I did not! I knew you'd figure it out," she adjusted again with her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He pulled back. She glared, "Well, you did!"

"That doesn't excuse the fact that you did it."

"Yes it does! Don't you see? No one is looking at us."

He looked out to the couples dancing, cringed as Sybill awkwardly attempted to cut a rug with Hagrid, and realized Hermione was right, not one person was looking at them. In fact, they were starting to dance about by themselves until they bumped into someone else and then took up paces with them. It didn't matter who it was, what sex they were, or what previously arranged couples he thought he'd known about...they just...danced.

Turning his face back to the vixen in his lap, he asked, "What have you done to them?"

She giggled and watched Poppy push Sybill aside to attempt to reach up and kiss Hagrid, starting a tiff between the two women. It was about then that things rolled a tad bit out of control. Vector, Sinistra and Hooch started cavorting about in a rather indecent manner and Severus got an uneasy feeling up his spine.

It was almost like watching a budding orgy.

There were two shadows shifting near the dancers. Severus' eyes narrowed and watched as the Weasley twins showed themselves, breaking their disillusionment, and avidly started taking notes, "Wicked."

It wasn't until Albus started lifting the hem of his robes higher and higher, showing off his bird-legs next to a strangely avid Filius as he sang outloud and offkey that Severus jumped out of his chair and ran for the door, pulling a laughing Hermione along with him.

What had they done? His colleagues were acting positively uninhibited... He looked down to his cohort and saw the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen on her. She did this. She somehow got them to act crazy and he didn't know how.

"Hermione, please tell me you didn't give me what you gave to them."

Her head spun around to see him. She looked to be contemplating her answer, then smiled, "Well, let's just say you won't see the full effects until tomorrow, when their effects wear off." Her smile turned positively evil and the small hairs on the back of his neck stood up, "After all, tomorrow is your actual birthday, isn't it?"

"Y-yes..." She was almost frightening...He loved it. He watched her with fascination as she took in the gamboling group before them.

He glanced about the room, then back at her. She invited unrepressed chaos into their midst and...she'd done it for him. He blinked. This witch was a wonder.

The rest of the staff, bedamned. Let the boys figure out how to fix this, he had a to take a strumpet to task.


A/N: The song she performs to is Eartha Kitt's rendition of "I Want to be Evil". Check it out, it's adorable ;) Apparently it's also a burlesque favorite. Flan, on the other hand, is not. ;) British Flan is usually either sweet or savory, rather like American shortcakes in texture, and nothing like the egg custard style of flan. I also HAVE to think the words "Flantasy Flan" whenever I write about that dish, mostly due to a cracked out episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog. Then again, what episode of that wasn't cracked out? ;) Don't worry! I have le hotness coming! ;)