PART NINE

Alan did not come to apologize. It wasn't that Gareth had expected an apology, or that he would have accepted any offered, but that was all beside the point. He hadn't come to apologize.

So when he heard a knock at the door, Gareth couldn't really blame himself for the surge of hope. He felt foolish for it, but he felt it nonetheless. It was only Myles, though. Gareth slunk back into his chair.

Myles sat down across from him. "I heard rumors you were rampaging down the corridors, bowling down pages and making maids cry."

"I did no such thing." But Gareth's voice was hollow, even to his own ears.

Myles shrugged. "I figured as much, but it's pretty clear that you're in a foul mood. Anything I should know about?"

Gareth shook his head. "No. It's stupid."

"You say that so much." Myles leaned forward. "I know that the code of chivalry tells you to take everything without complaint, but that's how people burn out, and we lose good knights that way."

"I'm fine," Gareth snapped. "I'm not going to burn out. There's nothing wrong with me."

Myles considered him for a few moments. "Gareth," he said slowly, "I know about Alan."

It was like the bottom dropped out of his world. Gareth felt actually dizzy for a moment. "How?" he finally croaked.

"I don't think anyone else knows," Myles reassured him. "It's only that I know Alan, and I saw the way you acted with him, and I worked it out. Is that why you're so upset? Something with Alan and you?"

Gareth shrugged helplessly. "There isn't any Alan and me anymore."

"Oh." Myles sighed. "I suppose you don't want to hear that it's for the best."

"No." Gareth stared down at the table. "No, I really, really don't."

Myles folded his hands in front of him. "I know that it can be...difficult...when a relationship ends."

Gareth's head snapped up. "We didn't have a relationship. We didn't even like each other. We just..." He had to swallow down the tightening in his throat. "This is the rest of my life, isn't it? Every time I want to be with someone, I'll be risking my whole life. If I want to help Roald, I'll have to stay away, stay alone..."

Myles reached over to rest a hand on one of Gareth's. "You don't have to. All those things I said, they're your choice. You don't have to give up everything to serve him. You can do whatever you want with your life."

For one wild moment, Gareth considered this, thought about what it would be like to be free of expectations and responsibilities. Almost immediately, the truth of it hit him. "But if I gave up Roald, what would my life be worth."

"That isn't...you're not...." In the middle of his stuttering, Myles stopped, and Gareth knew that Myles had figured it out. "Oh." He closed his eyes. "I don't know what to tell you. That's a very difficult situation you're in. I'm sorry."

Gareth buried his face in his hands. "It isn't fair."

"I know," Myles said gently, "but life very rarely is."

"That doesn't help."

Myles was spared from having to come up with a reply by a knock on the door. He rose to answer it. The next thing Gareth knew, there was a chair scraping across the floor and Roald's voice, terribly close, asking "Gareth? I'd heard you were causing a mess in the halls. Are you alright?"

Gareth couldn't look up at him. "I'm fine. Don't worry."

"You don't seem fine. Is it something I can help you with?"

He almost choked. "No. There's...there's nothing...." because of course, Roald could solve the problem right then and there, but he wouldn't, couldn't, and Gareth would die before asking it of him.

Hesitantly, a bit at a time, Roald's arms slipped around him, and Gareth was powerless to resist the embrace. He let his friend hold him, allowed the tears burning behind his eyes to fall. "Are you sure?" Roald asks. "You know I would do anything for you."

"I know," Gareth choked out. "I know. I just.....I can't."

Roald shifted. "Do....should I go?"

Gareth shook his head against Roald's shoulder. "No. Please." He wondered, in some small heartbroken part of his mind, if this would be all be easier if Roald wasn't such a godsdamned nice person.

"Alright." Roald tightened the embrace. "I'm here. As long as you need me."

No, Gareth decided. No, it definitely wouldn't.