Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's Notes: Thank you all for the reviews and comments. It keeps me going. =) Not sure I like this one. I rewrote it a few times and ultimately ended up with this.

Summary: For when she's this vulnerable and this open, I see her for who she really is and I sympathize. I sympathize and hate myself for liking her as much as I do. [Sam/Vala friendship; eventual Sam/Vala; spoilers for all of season 10]

Tumble and Fall

by e-dog

9. Company of Thieves: Honesty

Sometimes, I forget how real this all is.

The guns and the blood. The clashing of two opposing forces. Those unfortunate casualties of war. I'm not just prancing around in some action packed movie. This is my life. Going on ten years and each death cuts just as deep as the first.

When the missions become too real, I start immersing myself in work. I know, I know. Not a big secret or anything, but truthfully, work is the one thing I can turn to in times of distress. While Teal'c, Daniel or Cameron are great sounding boards, it's not always easy to vent about everyday frustrations with the very same people who suffer through the same turmoil. They're just as distracted, distraught, disengaged as I am and therefore not nearly as helpful as I would like.

So I work.

Admittedly, tinkering with the hyperdrive is a frivolous activity considering Vala already fixed it and we are well on our way back home, but I have to keep busy. I have to ward off all the negative thoughts, ward off the pain.

We lost Emerson today and then realness just slapped me sideways. Sometimes I forget that we lose people. That I can lose people and then I remember Janet and Martouf and Dad. I remember the many times I lost Jack, but somehow, he always made it back to us. Some people just don't have that kind of luck.

Even though we weren't terribly close, I'm going to miss Emerson dearly. He was fair, honest. He shouldn't have died that way.

So now I'm tinkering with the hyperdrive, partly to forget today, but mostly to figure out how she did it. How Vala just swooped in with her swinging pigtails and affectionate smile, promptly (if not brashly) fixing the hyperdrive with little prior experience with such things. Mostly, I wonder, how it is that Vala literally kicked the hyperdrive like a broken office copier and managed to outsmart me in the process.

I shake my head. This really isn't the time for bruised egos. I should go work on something else. The shields aren't totally necessary at this juncture, but it would be nice to have those back to full capacity and it will give me some time alone. Time to mourn and to move on.

"Knock, knock."

This just really isn't my day.

"Hey, Cam," I say, rising from the floor. "Teal'c is okay?"

Cameron makes a face, then shakes his head vehemently. I guess that means we shouldn't talk about that for a while. So I change subjects, point at the crystals and say, "I was looking at the hyperdrive."

He frowns. "I thought it was fixed."

"Uh, it is. Vala somehow. . ," I trail off, still not sure how to explain the miracle she pulled off.

"Say no more," Cameron smiles, then motions behind him. "I was going to grab some chow. Care to join me?" Before I refuse, he says, "Look, I know I can't boss you around. I can't boss anyone around, but technically, I do run the team and on occasion, I should pretend to show some authority."

I half smile. "Are you ordering me to join you, Cam?"

"You have to be hungry."

My stomach grumbles in agreement.


"Sam, hey," I hear Cameron speak. I feel myself being helped to my feet. "Let's go. Time for you to take a nap."

I must've nodded off again while attempting to eat my little cup of Jello. I manage to right myself and walk with Cameron, refusing to let him carry any of my weight. I insist, "I'm not tired. I should work on the shield. . ."

"Someone's on it."

"But what about the. . ."

"Someone's on that too. Sam, trust me. Everything is under control. You need to rest. End of discussion."

I try one last time, "But. . ."

"Sam, you're not the only astrophysicist on this ship."

"I am a genius, though."

Cam laughs. "I know a guy named Rodney who might disagree."

We arrive at my quarters. He sets me down on my cot and winks at me. "Back at the honeymoon suite. So, is this where Vala first seduced you? Tried to make that long, lonely trip from Atlantis a little less lonely?"

I glare at him. "Cam, we had a pact never to discuss that."

Cameron can't stop smiling. "Oh, I know, I know. You don't like Vala, she doesn't like you. That lipstick I saw on your face? It was all an illusion. I get it."

"Do I have to set the record straight again?"

"I don't see anything straight about it."

"Cam. . .," I groan.

He's been relentless in the teasing and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Vala kissed me. She assaulted me in a public restroom and I let her do it. Hell, I enjoyed it. Then Cameron, while not a witness to the event, saw the evidence.

Maybe I should be thankful Cameron finds the whole situation amusing rather than alarming. Any other team leader would have me discharged for even thinking about fraternization with a team member.

"Sam," he calls out to me. I roll my eyes, untie my boots and avoid looking at him. I hear him pull up a chair and sit down. He releases a little sigh and tries again, his voice more apologetic, "Sam, c'mon."

"You know what?" I say, looking at him now. "You were right. I am kinda tired. I should rest up."

Cameron doesn't take the hint. Or maybe he does and just ignores it. He leans forward, says, "Look. I know I've been teasing ya about this, but I'm sensing trouble here. The problem I'm having, however, is figuring out whether this is the good kind of trouble or the bad kind."

Okay, scratch my earlier thought. Maybe Cameron does find the situation mildly alarming. I run a hand through my hair and say firmly, "I don't like Vala in that way, Cam. She caught me off guard, okay? She's like a rumbling locomotive with no emergency brake. Daniel understands that just as well as anyone."

Cameron isn't convinced. He goes to say something else, but I kindly cut him off.

"Cameron, I know you want to be the thoughtful leader that everyone can talk to and I appreciate what you have to say, but please, leave this alone. There's nothing going on between Vala and myself."

Cameron's smile is lazy now, his eyes twinkle a bit as he rises from his chair. He thinks I'm lying. He thinks I have feelings for Vala and if I'm honest with myself, he's probably right.

He raises his hands in surrender and says, "Okay, okay. I'll leave it alone, for now."

He takes his leave and I sigh inwardly, stretch out on my cot and shut my eyes. Naturally, my thoughts are consumed with Vala and it's all Cameron's fault I'm dwelling on this as heavily as I am. Well, it's partially Cameron's fault.

Moments later, I hear footsteps and groan aloud. "Cameron, seriously, I just want to be left alone."

"Well, then. I guess I'll have to enjoy these two steaming hot cups of cocoa all by myself." A loud slurp follows the statement.

I open my eyes, see Vala in my doorway, not Cameron. She's holding two mugs, her relaxed pose resting against the metal doorframe and she's wearing that soft, half smile usually reserved for Daniel after a long day. I sit up slowly, unsure of what to make of her charitable visit, but finding myself appreciative of the gesture. I smile, invite her inside, "Hey, Vala. Sorry, you can come in."

"Not a bad time?" she asks, suddenly aware I may not be in the mood for company.

"No. Just have a lot on my mind, that's all," I say, motioning again for her to enter. "Cameron was just in here, trying to heal all wounds and save the day. He's always been that way. He, however, didn't offer me any chocolate."

Vala grins brilliantly. She enters, handing over one of the mugs to me and proudly proclaims, "I made sure to add lots of whipped cream. I love that stuff."

I grin, studying the mountain of fluffy white and say, "Thanks."

She takes another sip while sitting down in a seat previously occupied by Cameron, the tip of her nose now covered in white. She immediately wipes it away and says sincerely, "Tough mission."

"Yeah, "I agree. I finally sip at the hot contents in my mug. The liquid is smooth, calming and I wonder how Vala knew a cup of hot cocoa would make this trip seem a little bit brighter. I breathe in deeply, tell her, "Emerson was a good man. Odyssey won't be the same without him."

Vala hums into her mug, drinking down the last of her cocoa. She sets the empty cup on the ground and says, "I don't want to sound callous, Sam, as I'm sure Emerson was a great warrior, but I'm glad it wasn't you."

I catch her eyes now, they shine with what I imagine to be tears. Tears that represent a fear I'd never thought to see in Vala. To witness this self proclaimed independent showing concern for a teammate is quite jarring and I'm not sure what the appropriate response is right now.

I won't pretend that Vala should feel obligated to show remorse for a man she only just met, but I'm not sure I expected her confession either.

Much to my surprise, she reaches up, the palm of her hand now caressing my cheek and the pad of her thumb wiping away a tear I wasn't aware had escaped. She continues, "I know you think it should've been you. Maybe if you had to do it all over again, you'd shield your friend, but I'm glad it. . ."

Vala's words trail off and I wonder why she just doesn't finish her thoughts. I really want to know what she has to say, but I can tell she's said far more than she wanted to already. Her hand slowly leaves my face. She releases a nervous laugh and apologizes, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I truly am sorry about Emerson."

She stands quickly and I promptly rise with her (nearly dousing us both in hot chocolate in the process). I sit the mug down on the floor, grab her arm and keep her from leaving. I try to smile and say, "It's. . .I'm not upset by your words. I like you better when you're honest."

"So it's official? You like me?"

I raise an eyebrow curiously, unable to keep from smiling at her. "Sure. Officially, I like you. When you're not trying to seduce me, trick me and/or make me feel uncomfortable."

Vala's grin returns, her eyes sparkle at me. "Honesty is all you want then? I can be honest."

My hand somehow finds it way to hers. She interlocks her fingers with mine and I laugh lightly. "Okay. Sometimes you can be, but most of the time you're not."

"I can be honest all of the time."

I frown. "Prove it."

"Okay!" she exclaims, sidling up to me now. "Like now. Honestly, I would love nothing more than to take you to bed and have my wicked way with you."

I back up a little, to put some space between us and I confess, "Okay, that's probably too much honesty."

"And honestly, the Tau'ri are the most sexually repressed group of people in this known universe. I've been trying in vain to rectify that."

I squint my eyes, take an educated guess. "Did Daniel turn you down again?"

Vala ignores my query. She just grabs both my hands, gently swings our arms and says, "Honestly, Sam. You look absolutely horrible. I think it's time you considered drinking that cocoa I so generously offered you and once you finish that, go to bed and get some sleep."

With very little protest from me, Vala guides me back to the cot, picks up my mug and hands it back to me. She quickly leans over, plants a soft kiss on my forehead and wishes me a good night. She backs away to leave and I can't help but say teasingly, "What? You're not going to invite yourself to join me in my bed?"

Vala's face is very mischievous now. She eyes me with lingering lust and says huskily, "Actually, I wouldn't mind continuing what we started a week ago. Maybe putting some truth into our Odyssey rumors."

I clasp my mug tightly, never letting my gaze stray from her eyes, my mind wandering to other forbidden possibilities. Momentarily thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, then quickly countering myself, convincing myself that anything beyond friendship with Vala would simply be messy.

I think back on that kiss and I know deep down I wouldn't change it. Hell, Cameron can tease me all he wants, it'll be worth it. From now on, I'll regard that memory as something exciting and spontaneous, not regrettable or frightening. I'll hold onto that and move on from there.

I finally feel the tension of the day fall from my shoulders and I turn her down gently, "Goodnight, Vala."

Vala sighs, her eyes softening along with her tone. She tells me, "I know you liked kissing me."

"I did," I confirm quietly. "Which is why I can't kiss you again."

"I wish I understood that," Vala says, almost pouting now.

"Goodnight, Vala," I repeat again, a bit more firmly this time.

"I'll wake you when we reach Earth," she promises.

"Okay," I say, and then she leaves. I wish I had the courage to ask her to stay.