Neopets user #1: What…what is this?
User #2: …I…I think it's a plot update.
User #3: *runs wildly into the room* What update who said update someone said plot update WHERE IS THE PLOT UPDATE ARGH
User #1: But…but this can't be. It's been so long!
User #3: *fetal position on the floor* PLOT UPDATE WRYYYYYYYY?
User #2: It is! *cries* IT IS!
User #1: Do you know what this means?
User #2: You mean a—
FAERIES' RUIN CHAPTER 9 PLOT SPOOF? YEEEEEAAAAAAHHH.
Setting: Brightvale in under attack by more shadow monsters. Brynn is in a courtyard, fighting valiantly. Hanso is walking out of the dungeon.
Hanso: *whistles a lively tune as he steps out into daylight* Free at last, free at la—WHOA…
(Entire courtyard is overrun by shadow monsters, Brynn dead in the center)
Brynn: All right, sword. Time to make those cool sound effects.
Sword: SWHISH
Shadow Minion: SOUND EFFECTS NOOO *dies*
Sword: FWHPP
Shadow Wraith: SKREEEEE?
Sword: *thonk* Crap. I'm stuck in this here pole.
(Shadow Conqueror sneaks up behind her while she's occupied freeing her sword)
Brynn: Aw, that's not cool. Come on, guys. :/
Shadow Conqueror: I have 75 starting HP. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
Hanso: Pfft. You mid-level battlers are sooo uncouth. *pounces on it*
Shadow Conqueror: I AM NOT FOR RIDING.
Hanso: Well, unfortunately…I've always wanted a pony. GIDDYAP!
Shadow Conqueror: BLARGH *falls over and goes poof*
Hanso: Wow, who knew you could defeat these things just by throwing them off balance?
Brynn: Thanks for making me look bad. :/
Hanso: But Brynn, I only exposed your technique for the inefficient and tedious method that it is. :D
Brynn: …*yanks her sword out of the pole* Well, you just ooze cool, don't you, Hanso?
Hanso: Thanks for noticing. ;D Yeah so…we should get out of here.
Brynn: How did you get out of your cell?
Hanso: I charmed the guards with my devilish good looks, of course. So much so that they're completely unconscious!
Brynn: You are so full of it, Hanso.
Hanso: That's some thanks for saving your ass not two minutes ago.
Brynn: I don't need your help! And I'm not leaving Brightvale to these…things!
Hanso: Think about it, Brynn. We barely made it out of the Haunted Woods alive, and that was with the help of Altador…and even Jazan. The two of us don't stand a chance!
Brynn: But it's not just the two of us, there are plenty of other guards and soldiers that are figh—
Guards and Soldiers: You're on your own. *flee*
Brynn: WELL FINE. I'LL GET THE SALARY RAISE AND YOU WON'T.
Hanso: Right…back to leaving?
Brynn: YOU can go, Hanso. This isn't your fight.
Hanso: Fine, stay here and die if you want. I'm leaving.
Brynn: …just like that? No arguing?
Hanso: Nope. *walks away*
Brynn: …HANSO!
Hanso: *turns on his heels* See? I knew you couldn't resist all thi—BWOASHIT SWORD COMING AT MY FACE.
Sword: Lol psyche. *slices through a shadow sneaking up behind Hanso and clangs into the nearby wall, knocking out a large chunk of stone that hits him in the head*
Hanso: NO, MY MODELING CAREER.
Brynn: Heh. *wry grin*
Shadows: *surround Brynn now that she's weaponless*
Brynn: Oh. Crap. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.
Hanso: *rubs his head where the rock pwn'd him* Ow, that hurts. You're a jerk Brynn. Wait…Brynn?
Shadows: We're stealin' ur gurlfrend. Lol kthx.
Hanso: NO! BRYNNNNN!
Second group of shadows: Omgstfu. *surround Hanso*
Hanso: Oh, snap…what should I do? ;o;
Catapult: I've just been suddenly drawn in for your convenience!
Hanso: Hallelujah! *picks up Brynn's sword and runs for it, slicing the rope once he's loaded himself in* I hope this is a good ide—
Catapult: TOO LATE. *flings him into the forests surrounding Brightvale castle*
Hanso: Weeeee—! OH FYORA NOOO—*face full of tree*
(Hanso lands safely in a mess of tree branches…lol…anyway, he's fine)
Hanso: *picks leaves off himself* Seriously, I don't get paid enough for this s—oh right, I'm supposed to be sad Brynn got abducted. *frowns*
Brynn: HANSO!
Hanso: Aw, now I'm already hearing her annoying voice in my head… :(
Hanso: HANSO YOU IDIOT. I'm alive!
Hanso: Buh? *looks up and sees her being carried away by the shadows* You mean I conveniently landed right where you were being dragged off?
Brynn: You think my voice is annoying?
Hanso: Oh, you heard that part?
Brynn: Just shut up and take the book to Altador! He'll know what to do!
Hanso: Are you suuuuuuure?
Brynn: HANSO JUST DO IT.
Hanso: Hmm…*looks down at the book* Hmm…*close-up shot of his srs face* Hmm…
Author: ENOUGH INNER CONTEMPLATION GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
Hanso: But I have to build up drama. D:
Author: *taps foot*
Hanso: Okay, fine. *buttons up his jacket…do I really need to describe it? You all know how fashionable that jacket is*
(Scene changes to the shadows pushing Brynn into a dark cave)
Brynn: A cave…why is it always a cave? Oh, hey, Xandra's here.
Xandra: They got you too? I was coming to see if you'd found anything, but then these things came out of nowhere and grabbed me!
Brynn: Yeah, they're getting stronger. I doubt Nox is controlling them all.
Xandra: Hmm…yes, good point…how intriguing…*smokes a pipe as she ponders*
(A few emaciated and deathly-looking pets are sitting listlessly in the back of the cave)
Brynn: What happened to them?
Xandra: Meth is a helluva drug.
Brynn: Heh... Seriously though.
Xandra: I don't know. But they're not dead. I think the creatures are feeding on them somehow.
Brynn: We have to help them!
Xandra: Yes, it's quite disturbing. Quite…*resumes puffing on her pipe*
Brynn: *grabs it* Give me that…where did you even get this thing?
Xandra: I'm the scholarly type void of any personality. We *always* have a pipe.
Brynn: …feh. So, I found a book—
Xandra: BOOK? BOOK WHERE I WANNA SEE THE BOOK I LOVE BOOKS.
Brynn: Hanso has it. But we got separated. I don't know where he—*gets a tap on her shoulder* Huh? *turns around*
Hanso: *lurking in the shadows looking awesome* *holds a finger to his lips* Shhhhh…
Brynn: Why are you shushing me? *crosses arms*
Hanso: You're ruining how awesomely badass I look in this panel. So shut up. :/
Chapter 9, end
