Neopets user #1: What…what is this?

User #2: …I…I think it's a plot update.

User #3: *runs wildly into the room* What update who said update someone said plot update WHERE IS THE PLOT UPDATE ARGH

User #1: But…but this can't be. It's been so long!

User #3: *fetal position on the floor* PLOT UPDATE WRYYYYYYYY?

User #2: It is! *cries* IT IS!

User #1: Do you know what this means?

User #2: You mean a—

FAERIES' RUIN CHAPTER 9 PLOT SPOOF? YEEEEEAAAAAAHHH.

Setting: Brightvale in under attack by more shadow monsters. Brynn is in a courtyard, fighting valiantly. Hanso is walking out of the dungeon.

Hanso: *whistles a lively tune as he steps out into daylight* Free at last, free at la—WHOA…

(Entire courtyard is overrun by shadow monsters, Brynn dead in the center)

Brynn: All right, sword. Time to make those cool sound effects.

Sword: SWHISH

Shadow Minion: SOUND EFFECTS NOOO *dies*

Sword: FWHPP

Shadow Wraith: SKREEEEE?

Sword: *thonk* Crap. I'm stuck in this here pole.

(Shadow Conqueror sneaks up behind her while she's occupied freeing her sword)

Brynn: Aw, that's not cool. Come on, guys. :/

Shadow Conqueror: I have 75 starting HP. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Hanso: Pfft. You mid-level battlers are sooo uncouth. *pounces on it*

Shadow Conqueror: I AM NOT FOR RIDING.

Hanso: Well, unfortunately…I've always wanted a pony. GIDDYAP!

Shadow Conqueror: BLARGH *falls over and goes poof*

Hanso: Wow, who knew you could defeat these things just by throwing them off balance?

Brynn: Thanks for making me look bad. :/

Hanso: But Brynn, I only exposed your technique for the inefficient and tedious method that it is. :D

Brynn: …*yanks her sword out of the pole* Well, you just ooze cool, don't you, Hanso?

Hanso: Thanks for noticing. ;D Yeah so…we should get out of here.

Brynn: How did you get out of your cell?

Hanso: I charmed the guards with my devilish good looks, of course. So much so that they're completely unconscious!

Brynn: You are so full of it, Hanso.

Hanso: That's some thanks for saving your ass not two minutes ago.

Brynn: I don't need your help! And I'm not leaving Brightvale to these…things!

Hanso: Think about it, Brynn. We barely made it out of the Haunted Woods alive, and that was with the help of Altador…and even Jazan. The two of us don't stand a chance!

Brynn: But it's not just the two of us, there are plenty of other guards and soldiers that are figh—

Guards and Soldiers: You're on your own. *flee*

Brynn: WELL FINE. I'LL GET THE SALARY RAISE AND YOU WON'T.

Hanso: Right…back to leaving?

Brynn: YOU can go, Hanso. This isn't your fight.

Hanso: Fine, stay here and die if you want. I'm leaving.

Brynn: …just like that? No arguing?

Hanso: Nope. *walks away*

Brynn: …HANSO!

Hanso: *turns on his heels* See? I knew you couldn't resist all thi—BWOASHIT SWORD COMING AT MY FACE.

Sword: Lol psyche. *slices through a shadow sneaking up behind Hanso and clangs into the nearby wall, knocking out a large chunk of stone that hits him in the head*

Hanso: NO, MY MODELING CAREER.

Brynn: Heh. *wry grin*

Shadows: *surround Brynn now that she's weaponless*

Brynn: Oh. Crap. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Hanso: *rubs his head where the rock pwn'd him* Ow, that hurts. You're a jerk Brynn. Wait…Brynn?

Shadows: We're stealin' ur gurlfrend. Lol kthx.

Hanso: NO! BRYNNNNN!

Second group of shadows: Omgstfu. *surround Hanso*

Hanso: Oh, snap…what should I do? ;o;

Catapult: I've just been suddenly drawn in for your convenience!

Hanso: Hallelujah! *picks up Brynn's sword and runs for it, slicing the rope once he's loaded himself in* I hope this is a good ide—

Catapult: TOO LATE. *flings him into the forests surrounding Brightvale castle*

Hanso: Weeeee—! OH FYORA NOOO—*face full of tree*

(Hanso lands safely in a mess of tree branches…lol…anyway, he's fine)

Hanso: *picks leaves off himself* Seriously, I don't get paid enough for this s—oh right, I'm supposed to be sad Brynn got abducted. *frowns*

Brynn: HANSO!

Hanso: Aw, now I'm already hearing her annoying voice in my head… :(

Hanso: HANSO YOU IDIOT. I'm alive!

Hanso: Buh? *looks up and sees her being carried away by the shadows* You mean I conveniently landed right where you were being dragged off?

Brynn: You think my voice is annoying?

Hanso: Oh, you heard that part?

Brynn: Just shut up and take the book to Altador! He'll know what to do!

Hanso: Are you suuuuuuure?

Brynn: HANSO JUST DO IT.

Hanso: Hmm…*looks down at the book* Hmm…*close-up shot of his srs face* Hmm…

Author: ENOUGH INNER CONTEMPLATION GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

Hanso: But I have to build up drama. D:

Author: *taps foot*

Hanso: Okay, fine. *buttons up his jacket…do I really need to describe it? You all know how fashionable that jacket is*

(Scene changes to the shadows pushing Brynn into a dark cave)

Brynn: A cave…why is it always a cave? Oh, hey, Xandra's here.

Xandra: They got you too? I was coming to see if you'd found anything, but then these things came out of nowhere and grabbed me!

Brynn: Yeah, they're getting stronger. I doubt Nox is controlling them all.

Xandra: Hmm…yes, good point…how intriguing…*smokes a pipe as she ponders*

(A few emaciated and deathly-looking pets are sitting listlessly in the back of the cave)

Brynn: What happened to them?

Xandra: Meth is a helluva drug.

Brynn: Heh... Seriously though.

Xandra: I don't know. But they're not dead. I think the creatures are feeding on them somehow.

Brynn: We have to help them!

Xandra: Yes, it's quite disturbing. Quite…*resumes puffing on her pipe*

Brynn: *grabs it* Give me that…where did you even get this thing?

Xandra: I'm the scholarly type void of any personality. We *always* have a pipe.

Brynn: …feh. So, I found a book—

Xandra: BOOK? BOOK WHERE I WANNA SEE THE BOOK I LOVE BOOKS.

Brynn: Hanso has it. But we got separated. I don't know where he—*gets a tap on her shoulder* Huh? *turns around*

Hanso: *lurking in the shadows looking awesome* *holds a finger to his lips* Shhhhh…

Brynn: Why are you shushing me? *crosses arms*

Hanso: You're ruining how awesomely badass I look in this panel. So shut up. :/

Chapter 9, end