grande caramel apple cider
fill cup with apple juice
steam to 145
three pumps caramel
stir
"He didn't love me. He just wanted to. He felt like he had to, I think"
I'm stone still
I don't think I've moved
A single finger
"You know Edward. He feels things much stronger than the average person. Like absolutely everything is a matter of life and death"
"I know"
I say
But I don't know
I don't feel like I know him at all, really
I feel like I've never even tried to know him
/
"Because I know he likes you," she continues
Like I haven't been dying for her to stop talking
This whole time
"All of the money he gets. From shows, donations, anything. He spends on coffee and food for him and Carlisle. But why would he spend it on coffee, Bella, every time you're working?"
"He shouldn't be spending it on coffee"
"I know. He knows, too. But he's stubborn as hell, really. Can't convince him of anything. Especially not giving up"
/
I can hear our breathing
Together in the stock room
It's steady and strong
As we stare at each other
/
"He wanted to love me so badly that he made himself do it"
"I don't understand," I reply
"No one does. But I have a funny feeling that you will"
/
There's a knock on the door
That causes us both to jump
Our skeletons rattling around
In our skin
I worry for a second that it's Edward
Eavesdropping
But it's not
It's Angela
Coming in with the invoices and pastries for the next day
Her face red to her hairline
/
"Why is no one outside manning the counter?" she fumes
And we disperse quickly
Like small scolded children
/
Edward is still waiting outside in the booth
Sipping slowly on the coffee that I handed him earlier
I take care of a few customers
And wait for Angela to leave
Before I go over there
And join him again
/
"Are you sure you forgive me?" he asks one more time
Pushing the cup between his two hands
Back and forth and back and forth
"I told you that I did"
/
Angela brought in a new CD for the changing seasons
But John Mayer is still on it
"Daughters"
I think she might have thing for him
Gag me
/
"Will you come to my show tonight?" he asks
Just right out there in the open
Like he knows I won't say "no"
Because I won't
Obviously
"Where is it at?" I ask
"McCaw Hall"
And I know it
It's one of the venues most famous for
Requiring people to wear suits and ties and things with frills
Just to get in the door
/
"I can give you free tickets" he says slowly
Finally sensing my hesitation
"No, I'd love to go. I was just wondering, is all"
"Great. That's great"
He grins a megawatt smile
The kind you see small children emit
When they're given ice cream
Or those kids on the commercial
That figure out they're going to Disneyland
(Kids fly free!)
/
From the corner of my eye
I notice Rose come out from the back room
She tries to be all subtle about it
To be socially acceptable and all that
As she wanders over to our booth
/
Edward doesn't notice her
Until she is about three feet away
Slowly wiping down a table
In large, sweeping circles
"Rose," he exclaims
She pretends to be surprised
"Edward? Oh, hey!"
And she's overly peppy
Like everyone is
When they're trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation
In the quickest way possible
/
"Do you work here now?" he asks
Seeming genuinely intrigued
And while Rose looks like she wants to slowly cut out her intestines
Edward looks nothing but engrossed
"I," she begins, but stops "Yeah"
/
"Are you taking time off?"
Now Edward looks perplexed
His brow furrows like he can't understand
"From dance?"
He nods
"Yeah. For awhile, I think"
Edward is dumbstruck
His eyes are wide like saucers
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened, Edward. Dance isn't my whole life anymore. Not like it used to be"
There is a long
Drawn out
Pause
"You grew out of it?" Edward asks
/
And I see it now
Edward is Peter Pan
Innocent
Untainted
Running purely on want
Yet, a shell of a boy
Who fears change
And growing up
/
Edward leaves a little under an hour later
He has to go to dress rehearsal before the show tonight
He told me that my name would be on the list
At ticket will call
/
Rose isn't in this show
Apparently, she hasn't been in any for awhile
The parts are extremely competitive
And while she tried for a very long time
She was never quite good enough
For the stage
/
Edward, on the other hand
Is a male principal
/
Alice helps me dress
And I can tell that she is jealous
Me doing some hoity-toity thing
Like I've suddenly become hot shit
Like I suddenly matter
She even lets me borrow her dress
It is long and dark
With a scoop neckline
Something with far too much fabric
Than I've ever seen Alice wear
In my entire life
/
Driving there
I panic
My hands start to sweat
As I clutch the steering wheel
I don't know why I'm panicking
/
I think it's because I feel so high up
And I desperately don't want to fall
/
I don't even know what show is playing
And as it turns out
It doesn't matter
For the way his body moves
Is masterful
And a story of its own
/
The show is brilliant
With girls that look as though they are inflated with air
Weightless
Effortless
Floating
The boys the strong counterparts
Lifting
Twirling
Explosions in jumps and leaps
And I can't believe I'm here
In the middle of it all
/
It ends much too soon
And I wish that I could rewind time
And see it all again
/
Waiting for Edward to come out from backstage
I am surrounded by old money
People who have had way too much plastic surgery
And little girls in tutus one size too big for their waists
Gradually
They trickle away
Leaving me alone
I take a seat down on a bench and wait
/
When Edward comes out
Finally
He is still a bit sweaty
And there is a distinct lipstick mark on his cheek
He doesn't see me at first
And looks
Crestfallen
/
"Edward!" I call out
And he comes to life
Walking briskly over to me
"Sorry, I had to do meet and gree-" he begins
But I cut him off
"You were fantastic"
"Oh"
He blushes
/
When I hug him
I feel his hands dip lower than proper
And his lips at my ear
Whispering
"You look beautiful"
/
He almost pulls away
But I hold him fast
And ask
"Come home with me tonight?"
i hope you all had a wunderbar xmas and other holidaze
i know i did
(i mean, hello, i watched the dr who xmas special)
big hugs to anyone who's recc'd this bad boy
