grande caramel apple cider

fill cup with apple juice

steam to 145

three pumps caramel

stir


"He didn't love me. He just wanted to. He felt like he had to, I think"

I'm stone still

I don't think I've moved

A single finger

"You know Edward. He feels things much stronger than the average person. Like absolutely everything is a matter of life and death"

"I know"

I say

But I don't know

I don't feel like I know him at all, really

I feel like I've never even tried to know him

/

"Because I know he likes you," she continues

Like I haven't been dying for her to stop talking

This whole time

"All of the money he gets. From shows, donations, anything. He spends on coffee and food for him and Carlisle. But why would he spend it on coffee, Bella, every time you're working?"

"He shouldn't be spending it on coffee"

"I know. He knows, too. But he's stubborn as hell, really. Can't convince him of anything. Especially not giving up"

/

I can hear our breathing

Together in the stock room

It's steady and strong

As we stare at each other

/

"He wanted to love me so badly that he made himself do it"

"I don't understand," I reply

"No one does. But I have a funny feeling that you will"

/

There's a knock on the door

That causes us both to jump

Our skeletons rattling around

In our skin

I worry for a second that it's Edward

Eavesdropping

But it's not

It's Angela

Coming in with the invoices and pastries for the next day

Her face red to her hairline

/

"Why is no one outside manning the counter?" she fumes

And we disperse quickly

Like small scolded children

/

Edward is still waiting outside in the booth

Sipping slowly on the coffee that I handed him earlier

I take care of a few customers

And wait for Angela to leave

Before I go over there

And join him again

/

"Are you sure you forgive me?" he asks one more time

Pushing the cup between his two hands

Back and forth and back and forth

"I told you that I did"

/

Angela brought in a new CD for the changing seasons

But John Mayer is still on it

"Daughters"

I think she might have thing for him

Gag me

/

"Will you come to my show tonight?" he asks

Just right out there in the open

Like he knows I won't say "no"

Because I won't

Obviously

"Where is it at?" I ask

"McCaw Hall"

And I know it

It's one of the venues most famous for

Requiring people to wear suits and ties and things with frills

Just to get in the door

/

"I can give you free tickets" he says slowly

Finally sensing my hesitation

"No, I'd love to go. I was just wondering, is all"

"Great. That's great"

He grins a megawatt smile

The kind you see small children emit

When they're given ice cream

Or those kids on the commercial

That figure out they're going to Disneyland

(Kids fly free!)

/

From the corner of my eye

I notice Rose come out from the back room

She tries to be all subtle about it

To be socially acceptable and all that

As she wanders over to our booth

/

Edward doesn't notice her

Until she is about three feet away

Slowly wiping down a table

In large, sweeping circles

"Rose," he exclaims

She pretends to be surprised

"Edward? Oh, hey!"

And she's overly peppy

Like everyone is

When they're trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation

In the quickest way possible

/

"Do you work here now?" he asks

Seeming genuinely intrigued

And while Rose looks like she wants to slowly cut out her intestines

Edward looks nothing but engrossed

"I," she begins, but stops "Yeah"

/

"Are you taking time off?"

Now Edward looks perplexed

His brow furrows like he can't understand

"From dance?"

He nods

"Yeah. For awhile, I think"

Edward is dumbstruck

His eyes are wide like saucers

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Edward. Dance isn't my whole life anymore. Not like it used to be"

There is a long

Drawn out

Pause

"You grew out of it?" Edward asks

/

And I see it now

Edward is Peter Pan

Innocent

Untainted

Running purely on want

Yet, a shell of a boy

Who fears change

And growing up

/

Edward leaves a little under an hour later

He has to go to dress rehearsal before the show tonight

He told me that my name would be on the list

At ticket will call

/

Rose isn't in this show

Apparently, she hasn't been in any for awhile

The parts are extremely competitive

And while she tried for a very long time

She was never quite good enough

For the stage

/

Edward, on the other hand

Is a male principal

/

Alice helps me dress

And I can tell that she is jealous

Me doing some hoity-toity thing

Like I've suddenly become hot shit

Like I suddenly matter

She even lets me borrow her dress

It is long and dark

With a scoop neckline

Something with far too much fabric

Than I've ever seen Alice wear

In my entire life

/

Driving there

I panic

My hands start to sweat

As I clutch the steering wheel

I don't know why I'm panicking

/

I think it's because I feel so high up

And I desperately don't want to fall

/

I don't even know what show is playing

And as it turns out

It doesn't matter

For the way his body moves

Is masterful

And a story of its own

/

The show is brilliant

With girls that look as though they are inflated with air

Weightless

Effortless

Floating

The boys the strong counterparts

Lifting

Twirling

Explosions in jumps and leaps

And I can't believe I'm here

In the middle of it all

/

It ends much too soon

And I wish that I could rewind time

And see it all again

/

Waiting for Edward to come out from backstage

I am surrounded by old money

People who have had way too much plastic surgery

And little girls in tutus one size too big for their waists

Gradually

They trickle away

Leaving me alone

I take a seat down on a bench and wait

/

When Edward comes out

Finally

He is still a bit sweaty

And there is a distinct lipstick mark on his cheek

He doesn't see me at first

And looks

Crestfallen

/

"Edward!" I call out

And he comes to life

Walking briskly over to me

"Sorry, I had to do meet and gree-" he begins

But I cut him off

"You were fantastic"

"Oh"

He blushes

/

When I hug him

I feel his hands dip lower than proper

And his lips at my ear

Whispering

"You look beautiful"

/

He almost pulls away

But I hold him fast

And ask

"Come home with me tonight?"


i hope you all had a wunderbar xmas and other holidaze

i know i did

(i mean, hello, i watched the dr who xmas special)

big hugs to anyone who's recc'd this bad boy