Chapter 9:

Matthew

Matthew knocked softly on Robert's door. He had promised Mary that he would try and talk to him and, however confused he was about her, he wanted to keep his promise even though the thought of asking Robert personal questions made his insides squirm. There was no answer, but that was usual so he opened the door slowly and poked his head round.

Robert was sitting up in bed and didn't even acknowledge the opening of the door. He was thinner than Matthew had ever seen him, unshaven and still in his nightclothes. Matthew took a deep breath and entered the room as brightly as he could.

"Good morning Cousin Robert" he said more cheerfully than he felt.

He went over to the curtains and opened them allowing a bright shaft of light into the room. Robert squinted as the light hit his face.

"Are you trying to blind me?"

Matthew smiled. It was as good a start as he could've hoped for. Often Robert simply ignored him completely. He had a plan crudely thought up the night before.

"I need to talk to you, about something, well, personal. I need some advice."

He rang the bell for some tea for them and could see Robert's expression change as he prepared to make his usual excuses, but Matthew got in first.

"Robert, I know what you're going to say, but you're the closest thing I have to a father and I need you. I've done something that I bitterly regret, and I'm confused and conflicted and I need to know what you think I should do. Please don't deny me that."

There was silence, the walls seemed to reverberate with Matthew's impassioned speech. Carson entered with the tea which he poured for them both and then, sensing an atmosphere, quietly left them.

"I'm sure I won't be able to be of any help, but please sit down and talk to me."

Robert spoke quietly and kindly and Matthew saw a flash of the former Lord Grantham. He pulled up a chair beside Robert's bed and sat down with his tea.

"Lavinia's left me" he said starkly.

Robert looked confused, and then concerned.

"My dear boy! Why ever would she do that?"

Matthew bowed his head, still ashamed of what he had done and embarrassed to be talking to Mary's father about it. But he had promised Mary he would try and talking about his own problems seemed like it might be the way to get Robert to open up about his.

"I deserved it Robert. I don't hold it against her."

"I don't believe that for a second Matthew."

"I'm afraid you have to Robert. The awful truth is that I wasn't faithful to her. She saw me kissing another woman."

Robert's eyes widened. He opened his mouth as if to speak and then suddenly burst into tears.

Matthew felt wretched as Robert dissolved into great hacking sobs in front of him. This was certainly not how he had imagined this conversation going.

"Robert, I, Oh God, I know how disappointed you must be, I'm sorry that I'm not a better man."

Robert wiped his eyes.

"No, Matthew it's not that."

He looked conflicted, as if he wanted to say something. Matthew felt out of his depths and confused himself at Robert's reaction. He watched as Robert's eyes glazed over in the way he'd become used to over recent months and he closed down.

"I can't talk about this now Matthew. I'm sorry I know you won't be able to understand. Maybe one day you will."

"Robert, I can't leave with you thinking badly of me."

"I promise you I don't think badly of you. Quite the opposite really. I just need some more time."

Matthew got up. Robert's familiar refrain made it clear that the conversation was over and he had a splitting headache anyway. Why must the Crawleys all be so damn cryptic!

Robert called him back as he reached the door.

"Matthew, who was the other woman?"

Matthew's stomach lurched inside him. He had always thought to keep the details vague and hope Robert didn't ask. He looked Robert squarely in the face as he spoke.

"It was Mary."