A/N: Okay, things might be getting a tad OOC. This crack fic is getting slightly out of control. Oh well, I'm still having fun with it. Ha ha! By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

Tea Party of the Villainous

Naraku tossed another thing into the basket, a doggy chew toy, to be exact. They had been in the super market for about thirty minutes and Kagome was getting more and more hesitant by the second. Their shopping cart was filled with milk bones, pig ears, rawhide, and a tug toy.

"Naraku..." Kagome trailed, "I think we might be underestimating Sesshomaru's intelligence."

Naraku smirked at her, his ruby eyes narrowing cleverly. "Now, my dear, remember how many traps I caught you in. I am a master plotter."

"Yeah, but-" Kagome winced as she picked up the box of milk bones pointedly. "Really, Naraku? Really?"

"You will see the intricacies of my plan soon, impatient one."

Kagome shot him a skeptical glance but decided to go along with it. He had always been devious in life, and honestly he was probably thriving off of any mischief he could get into at this point. His flowers were looking much too nice.

Of course, Kagome had also killed him, so maybe his plotting skills weren't really all that great. She shrugged. Oh well.

After getting all their supplies in the grocery Naraku walked her down the street to a small shop with blacked out windows and a sign written in cursive. Kagome found this to me extremely worrisome.

"The Naughty--Oh my god, Naraku! Why are we here?"

Naraku quirked a manicured eyebrow and smiled slyly. "Now, poppet, this all part of my plan, remember? You must trust me."

"I'm really not so sure about this."

"Trust me. This will work."

"Okay..." Kagome replied hesitantly, following the hanyou into The Naughty Nirvana Shop. Now, Kagome, despite her age, had never been into a sex store. She was also, unfortunately, a virgin. So, when the first thing they came upon was a shelf of candy-cane dildo's and peppermint flavored condoms, Kagome was absolutely mortified.

"Oh my god, oh my god," she muttered, hands covering her cherry bright cheeks.

"So innocent," leered Naraku, until Kagome glared at him. With a shrug he lead her past the display and to the lingerie section.

"Now," Naraku instructed while shifting through the silky garments, "we must find one that would appeal to the Great Dog's taste."

"I really don't know about this...."

"Nonsense, I guarantee it will work."

"I don't think he likes humans."

Naraku waved her comment away. "He likes women--I think. That should be enough."

Kagome groaned and Naraku's eyes brightened as he withdrew a lacy scrap of cloth that would possibly work as a bandana. Maybe a glove.

It certainly would not cover her body.

"Try this on," Naraku ordered.

"Ummm. No."

"Now, miko. Don't you want to make friends?"

Kagome stared at Naraku askance. "I'm not sure the way you're talking about--"

"Just try it on," he snapped, shoving it into her arms and pushing her behind a black curtain. Kagome clutched the silky-red cloth to her chest and turned to look at the mirror mounted on the wall. From below the curtain she could see Naraku's boots tapping impatiently. Quickly Kagome undressed and slipped the lingerie on. Once donned, Kagome stared at herself in the mirror with horror.

"Naraku..." she called weakly, "I really don't think--"

He interrupted her as he peeked around the corner to study her. His eyes darkened approvingly as he took in her barely clothed body.

Another muffled voice from outside spoke to Naraku and Naraku answered.

"Uh, who were you talking to?"

"One of your friends, I believe," he responded, handing her another set of lingerie that was white with little pink flower pedals decorating it. "They're helping me with the mutt's tastes."

Kagome glared at him. "Who?"

Midoriko's head popped up behind Naraku. "Hello, dear! We heard you were trying to seduce Sesshomaru."

Kagome squeaked and attempted to cover her barely clad body. "Oh my god," she moaned in horror as Toga appeared too.

"Hmm," he said intellectually. "I think that one is too red. It would remind him of Inuyasha. The white one would be better."

"Get out! Get out!" screeched Kagome, mortified."Sorry, dear," Midoriko apologized as her and Toga disappeared, leaving a smirking Naraku to remain.

Kagome stared at him blankly, too stunned to know what to say.

"I really hate you," she finally gritted out, voice strangled sounding.

"I am not surprised, poppet." He stroked a hand up her back that made her shiver. "Now try on the white one to make sure it fits. Then we can begin the next step of out plot."

"God, kill me."

"Sorry, miko. I think he already did that."