Chapter 9

Masturbation Issues


"You know, Hummel – you and I are just like each other."

"So I go around fucking every man in sight until I'm sure they can never regain proper use of their ass?"

"Well, I can tell you I still have not regained proper use of my ass…"

"And I start throwing around slushies at people's boyfriend's eyes because I'm a jealous psychopathic bitch?"

"You know, you remember that time you threatened to throw your waffle batter at me?"

"Waffle batter doesn't have the ability to blind you, Sebastian."

"Some of the sugar still hadn't dissolved. What if that went into my eyes? I would never see again."

"But it didn't happen."

"And Blaine still can see—wait, I thought he was your ex. Normally, people want their ex's to be blinded from a slushie attack, right?"

"Yeah. If you're Michael Myers, or Jigsaw."

"Hummel, are you comparing kickass insane mass murderers to me?"

"Yes. I thought you'd like it."

"…well, I do think I have an amazing smirk. You know, when I dive in for the kill."

"Oh, please, stop. You're as intimidating as Brittany in a skirt, dancing around with posies, pretending to be a unicorn—Smythe, did you just flinch? …holy fuck, Mr Mass Murderer, is afraid of unicorns."

"Did you see the horns of those things? It goes through you and bam, you are dead. Gone. Wasted."

"…AHAHAHAHAHAHA—and you question my manhood, sir?"

"God, it's like Thad all over again."

"…you fucked Thad?"

"Why? Jealous?"

"I will show you fucking jealous. Lie on your stomach right now because I will fuck you until you see stars."

"I told you that you are exactly like me, Mr Don't You Ever Get the Urge to Rip Off Each Other's Clothes—"

"What in fuck's name do you and Blaine talk about?"

"Mostly you. And how you refuse to wear something other than designer Prada all of the time."

"Oh God."

-Later on-

"…Kurt?"

"Yes, Blaine?"

"Did…did I just hear you and Sebastian…sleeping with each other?"

"Why? Jealous?"

"…"

"See, Hummel? You are exactly like me. Now…Blaine, we are so alike that us having sex with each other is near masturbation, which I remember is the solution to all sexual urges according to you. Am I or am I not correct?"