Track 9 (Wildest Dreams)
Dear Lord, please let me sleep.
Yeah no, she was definitely not sleeping.
She moaned, rolling over in bed to face her husband. She settled into her pillow, and just stared at him.
She hadn't been able to sleep for a few days now. Not after the dream she'd had. Her dream didn't even get to qualify as a dream- it was her worst freaking nightmare.
They knew with their jobs that every day was a risk, and that there was a chance one of them might not make it home. They try to live that way now, not holding back the 'I love you's and apologizing at the end of every fight. They don't leave to many doors open for one of them to die with their love story midsentence.
But death is a very real possibility. One that even if they're aware of, they obviously don't like to talk about.
And it really sucks. And they really need to talk about it.
Its only three am. No harm in waking him up now, right?
She pressed her cold toes onto his shin, and his nose twitched. She wiggled her feet around until an eye popped open.
"Do you need something, because I thought the days of us playing footsie in bed were over?" he asked.
"Well, they are," she said quietly.
"Then whatcha doing there, Fern?" he asked, capturing her foot between his legs.
"Waking you up," she replied.
"No need, babe. Been awake all night. You're not sleeping," he said, all humor vanishing from his voice.
How was he so damn perfect?
He reached out for her, pulling her into his side. He wrapped his arms around her middle, holding her tightly against his chest.
"What's been bothering you, Kens?"
"What will you remember about me when I die?"
"When you die?"
"Yeah. When I die."
He knows where this is going. They have very similar fears, and losing her is one of his biggest. But they really do have to face this one. Maybe she's on to something. Maybe talking about how they'd remember one another if it happens will make it less scary. No, it'll never be less scary. But they might be able to calm their nerves enough to sleep.
"I'll remember your laugh. Your smile. Everything," he said, snaking his hands into hers. "I'll remember our jokes, those damn raccoons, the box, three hearts. I'll remember the room full of lasers. I'll remember the way you whisper my name when you're turned on. I'll remember Mammoth Mountain, I'll remember our wedding day. I'll remember our first Christmas. I'll remember that kiss after our first fight. I'll remember what you look like right after you've stepped out of the shower and your hair is still wet. I'll remember this, I'll remember how much I love you. Dammit Kens, there's not a thing I could afford to forget."
She closed her eyes, holding tightly to every word.
He could never possibly be done, so he kind of just shut up to give her a chance to say something.
"I'll remember that you used to be a stripper," she said, and then stopped.
He paused, expecting her to continue, but she didn't.
"Really? I go through all of that and all you're going to remember is that I used to be a stripper?"
She laughed, "No, Deeks. I'm just not very good with words."
Usually, she could get away with that excuse for not telling how she really felt. She was good at masking it, good at not telling him how deep her affections for him are. He's generally content just knowing that she's his, but tonight, in this situation, that's not going to cut it.
"Can you try?" he asked quietly, and vulnerably. This wasn't something he'd normally say. But he has needs, too, Kensi. As his wife, you need to take care of those.
"Gosh Deeks," she said softly. "I'll remember it all. I'll remember when you rescued me from Afghanistan. I'll remember the kiss on the hill, the real one when we were ice skating." She squeezed his hand tightly, feeling herself tense up. "I'll remember how scared I was when you were tortured. I'll remember how hard I cried the last time you got shot." She worked her fingers around his wrists and up his arms. He's alive. He's okay. He's got you. Keep going.
"I'll remember that you make me feel loved, you made me feel truly loved for the first time. I'll remember how alive I feel when I'm with you."
She wanted to keep going now. How could she stop? She had to tell him everything. Everything he meant to her. Before it was too late.
But he rolled her around to face him. She couldn't breathe now. As he rolled her over, she could see that his eyes were also teary.
"And I'll remember…" she began again.
His finger pressed to her lips, and he sniffled before whispering a quiet "Shhhhh."
Their eyes were locked together. There was something so incredibly important about this moment between them. They clung to it.
"You promised you wouldn't get yourself killed," she cried, breaking eye contact and burying her face into his chest. He felt a tear stream down his face and he tucked her head under his chin and held her there.
"I know I did, Kens. I know."
It's just, they can't control this. And if they can't control it, what can they do?
They can just live. They can live, madly in love with one another, for as long as they can. And that's all they can do.
He tilts her head up, and through a mess of their tears, he kisses her passionately. With every ounce of meaning he holds, he shows her that she's still alive. Neither of them are dead yet, and for the time being, they've got to put that to rest.
She feels his scruff scratch against her skin and it stings and burns and she loves it. And that pain proves that while they're both here, she's just got to soak up every ounce of him that she can.
Probably, they'll see tomorrow's sunrise. They'll probably grow old together. They'll probably have three kids and teach them how to dream. They'll probably have 50 wedding anniversaries and have hundreds of birthdays between the two of them. There's a very tiny (but very real) chance that they won't. And they may have more of these moments.
But they're both alive. They're a newlywed couple of love birds who are still getting into the swing of things. But clearly, they're in love. So with that, she's content enough to kiss him back, pepper kisses down to his chest, then settle there for the rest of the night.
Maybe in his arms, it'll be easier to sleep.
