A/N: Hi all! Here we finally get into some of the meat of the story. Unfortunately, it won't be smooth sailing after this though. Thanks so much for reading and Reviewing. Until next time!
Ch. 9
I'm sitting on the floor of the Great Room, looking out the giant windows. I haven't been able to sleep all night, and watching the Seattle rain teem down seems to be the only thing bringing me a sense of calm. I glance at my phone to check the time: 5:54. I have been sitting here for about an hour, but the sky hasn't lightened much yet.
I begin to think back to twelve hours ago.
I apply some mascara and lip gloss, then look at my self in the mirror. I can't be bothered to do any more, so this is as good as it will get. If I wasn't so irritated and stressed out I might have decided to dress up to tease Christian until the night is through. Fat chance now.
I knock on the door to Christian's office.
"Come in."
I open the door and enter the room.
"I'm ready."
He nods to me.
I walk out to the foyer by the elevator, waiting for Christian and our security. We all make our way to our SUV for the night. As soon as we enter the venue I move as far away from Christian as I can. I'm so mad at Christian, but I also hate being around him when he isn't being the man I know, and for this I need space.
Rachel knows something is wrong, but she has thankfully not pushed me to talk. I spend the whole night schmoozing people, trying to keep busy, and yet I fail to keep my mind occupied.
I lay in bed later, pretending to sleep, ignoring my sleeping husband next to me.
I come back to the present and I see a text from Grace.
The press is raving about your launch, sweetheart. Congratulations.
At least I pulled it off.
I look out the windows again. I wonder how I will make it through the next few hours until our appointment, and then how to deal with everything after that.
I'm still of two minds with the thoughts of the little girl. I hate not being able to know what to do, and I hate that it isn't just me who this effects. I really want to call my dad to ask him what to do, but that makes me feel like a kid, and a kid shouldn't be thinking of having a kid.
Taylor is holding my car door open, and I can't believe how nervous I am. I'm just outside of the Social Services building, and it may be the Lit major in me trying to analyze things, but the size of this building seems to symbolize the size of this decision.
Stop being dramatic. I scold myself.
"Ready?" I hear Christian say in a very quiet voice.
I nod, not being able to clear the frog from my throat.
I walk up to the front desk, trying to tell myself to act like a grownup.
"Hi. I'm Ana Grey, Mr Jones set up an appointment for me and my husband." I say when it is my turn.
"Yes, I see you in the system. I'll let the social worker know, and she will come to get you. You may have a seat while you wait." the receptionist tells me.
Our group makes our way to some chairs, in silence.I glance around the room and I see all types of brochures. I decide to look at these brochures to give me something to do with my nervous energy. I see there is material for child abuse, fostering, and adopting. Each of these groups has at least ten pamphlets. A part of me wants to read them all, just to give me something to do.
Finally, I hear my name called. I look over and see a woman who looks to be in her mid forties. She smiles at me as I come over to her. I glance back to see if Christian is coming, and he looks a little frozen, but quickly composes himself.
"Hello Mr and Mrs Grey. My name is Helen McNamara." she shakes both of our hands. "Please follow me to my office." I give her a confused look, since I thought I was here to see the baby. "I want to talk to you for a minute before we go into the infant room."
As we are seated, Mrs McNamara begins to prep us.
"I just want to give you two some information before we go in to see the child in question." without complaint, she continues on. "If you two aren't familiar with infants…" we shake our heads. "then I'll let you know some things. At her age she can crawl some. She sits on her own, and plays. Most children at this age are wary of strangers, and I'm afraid that her being around strangers without her mother has been taxing on her. She has adjusted some, but she may not be totally comfortable with you right away. She also is eating some solid foods, in addition to formula."
Neither Christian or I say anything. I don't even know what I would say.
"In a few minutes I will take you to her." Mrs McNamara says. "There are caregivers in there, of course, but feel free to hold her or play with her to all of your comforts. Whenever you are ready to leave just make sure that a caregiver knows, so that she will be properly supervised. Any questions?"
We shake our heads once again.
"In that case," she smiles again. "Let's go introduce you so little Miss Daniels."
I now know what true anxiety is as we stand at the door to the infant room. Somewhere in there is a little girl that may come home with us. There is a little girl who is a relative of mine, and counting on me, in that room.
I clasp Christian's hand, surprising both of us. I look into his eyes, take a deep breath, then look forward again. I know that both of us need to feel united right now. I can feel the tension coming off of my husband, and it mirrors my own, but we will make it through together.
As the door opens I hear mild crying sound, some cooing, and very soft lullaby music. I see cribs lined up along the far wall. Each crib has a name on the wall above it, specifying the name of each baby. There are a few Rocking Chairs near the cribs, one being occupied by a woman rocking a little boy. Closer to us I see a few older women sitting on the rug, playing with babies. The room seems like a day care, and the caregivers seem warm to the children. At least the baby has been taken care of.
Mrs McNamara waits for us to catch up, since it seems we all paused just inside the door. She asks us to make sure the door is closed, for safety. We follow her to the right side of the room, where we see a caregiver watching over two children who are playing with interactive toys.
"Mr and Mrs Grey, this is Mary, one of our volunteers." McNamara introduces us. "And this little girl is Harper Valerie Daniels." She lifts up one of the little girls and turns her to face us.
Harper burrows into Mrs McNamara, so we can't see her right away. Somehow, just seeing her in the flesh makes this more real.
"Hi Harper." I whisper, not wanting to scare her.
Her little head peaks up from the shoulder it was on. I see blue eyes looking back at me. She is so cute: dark hair, big eyes, and light freckles along her nose. I see she has on a pink dress with matching pink tights and sneakers.
"Can you wave?" McNamara asks Harper.
Harper just keeps staring at me, almost like she can see through me. She glances at Christian quickly before looking back at me.
"This is what I meant by being wary of strangers." McNamara explains.
"Maybe we should let her play and she would feel more comfortable." I hear myself say.
Harper is lowered to the floor, back to the toy she had a moment ago. I look at the toy she has: it is one of those things where you push or slide a button and a character pops up. She pushes the middle button and a monkey pops up. She pushes the monkey down and repeats the motion.
I let go of Christian's hand and lower myself to the floor next to Harper. She looks at me, but then goes back to her toys. I stay like that for a moment, letting her get used to me next to her. I look at Christian and he looks like he is carved out of stone. I would think he stopped breathing if it weren't for the fact that he hasn't turned blue yet.
"Hi, Harper. Do you like the monkey?" I ask her. "What does this one do?" I slide the lever next to the monkey button and a giraffe pops up. "Ooh, look! A giraffe!" I smile to her, and she smiles back.
I'm in!
I keep playing with the buttons on the pop up toy with her. After a few rounds I feel a little more comfortable with her.
"Do you want to sit with me?" I ask her and hold my arms out. I'm relieved when she leans towards me.
I pick the little girl up and settle her on my lap before pulling the same toy over to us.
"Christian?" I ask him. "Come sit."
I see Christian sit and I almost laugh at the absurdity of my husband sitting on the floor of an infant room in his overly expensive suit. I reach my hand to his so he comes right next to us, and I keep hold of him.
"Harper?" I say, and she looks up at me. "Can you say hi?" I point to Christian.
Harper looks at him, then at my smiling face, and back. I give him a look like he should say something.
"Hi." he says in a voice much softer than I thought he was capable of.
Harper giggles at Christian. I join in when I hear her, and I see Christian's shoulders relax just a little.
I continue to play with Harper, Christian at my side. Christian doesn't say or do much besides hold my hand and smile when Harper babbles at him.
I know what I want to do, but I am even more scared than when I wasn't sure.
"Mrs McNamara?" I ask her. "Is there somewhere my husband and I can talk in private?"
"Of course." she says coming to us from her spot along the wall. "I'll let you use my office."
"I have to get up Harper." I tell the girl as I lift her from me. I pass her along to her caregiver, then press a kiss to her tiny fist before leaving the room.
CPOV
"Hi, Harper." I hear my wife say.
I see the little creature in question lift her head up and I swear I feel my heart stop. This little thing is a mini Anastasia. She has Ana's chestnut hair, deep blue eyes, and shy demeanor.
I imagine that this is what Ana looked like as a baby. I know that there is talking around me, but I can't focus on anything but the baby. I can't believe that this child isn't born of Ana.
Ana lets go of my hand to sit down with the child.
I know I should move, but I can't.
I can't be a father.
I look at the mini Ana, sitting with my Ana. I don't know if I can do this.
What if the child touches my chest? I don't want to hurt a baby.
How do I let little Ana go into the system? What if she doesn't get adopted? Jones says she could stay in the foster care system.
A see a young Ana, growing up in a home without proper parents. I see her moving around every so often, never feeling settled or at home.
But how do I do this? I'm not made for this.
"Christian?" I look down to my baby, sitting with her clone on her lap. "Come sit with us."
I sit down next to them, holding Ana's hand. I feel like her small fingers are the only thing tethering me to this earth.
"Harper? Can you say hi?" Ana points to me.
The baby does nothing, so Ana gives me a look to do something.
"Hi." I manage to say.
I hear the tiniest little giggle come from the little girl. She must find my anxiety funny. Ana joins in on her laugh, and the sound is melodic.
I say nothing else, letting the girls play.
My wife asks for a room so we may speak.
APOV
I close McNamara's office door behind Christian and myself. I wonder how to start this conversation, but I decide that I don't want any space between us. I take both of Christian's hands in my own, and sit us down.
"So… Harper." I say.
"Harper." he says, meeting my eyes.
"Is it me or did everything get more real?" I joke.
"It certainly did." he agrees.
"What do you want to do, hon? What are you comfortable with?" I ask my husband.
"I don't know what to do, Ana. I never thought I could be a father." he starts to explain. "Hell, I'm still learning how to let you and my family in."
"I know." I tell him.
"What do we do, baby?"
"I don't know. I look at her, and can't imagine her having to live an unsteady life when we could help, but I don't know how to be a mom." I tell him as I start to cry a little.
"You'll be a great mom, Ana." Christian tells me, and I cry a little more.
"I want to help her." I confess. "I don't want to lose you, though." I voice my biggest fear.
"You won't lose me." he says, then pulls me into his lap.
I let the feeling of his arms relax me.
"Look at me." he commands, and I do. "Let's get the social worker in here to talk about our options."
I stand up, wipe at my eyes, then open the door. I glance down the hallway and see McNamara a few doors down.
"You two ready to talk?" she asks and I nod.
"What are our options?" Christian asks her.
"Well," McNamara breathes in. "you can relinquish your rights. Then that is all. You can also take custody."
"And if we take custody?" I ask.
"You take her home. There may have to be a home visit. You will be allowed to adopt her, should you chose, at a later time. If you feel like you can't do this, you can change your mind, but not once the permanent custody is granted." she tells us.
I look to Christian, and he holds his hand out for mine. He takes our hands to his mouth, lets out a shaky breath, and kisses my palm. He nods his eyes ever so slightly, but enough that I get his message. I look at the social worker.
"We're gonna take her home." I say and squeeze Christian's hand.
"Wonderful!" McNamara enthuses. "It may take some time to draw up the paperwork. Maybe you would like to go have lunch and come back around 2."
"That sounds like an excellent idea." Christian say, and I roll my eyes, knowing he is alluding to my lack of a breakfast.
"Then maybe we could shop for some things for her, like a carseat." I say. "What sizes does she wear right now?" I ask McNamara.
McNamara pulls out Harper's file.
"It says here she is in 9-12 month clothes, and a size 3 diaper." I nod in understanding.
The woman stands, and we follow suit.
"I'll see you two soon. Congratulations!"
Christian places his hand on my lower back, guiding me out.
"Where to, Sir?" Taylor asks from the front seat of the SUV.
"The Mile High Club." he instructs, then pulls out his phone. "Welch. Find me the safest car seat on the market. Get back to me within the hour." he pauses. "Yes I said car seat. Just do it."
"You know? Some say rolling your eyes is rude." I tease Christian.
"Is that so?" he raises an eyebrow at me.I nod. "My apologies."
He leans over and kisses me, and I feel like my man is back.
