"Why do you look like death warmed over?"

"I feel like death warmed over," said Archer.

"...Does this have anything to do with why the freaking Magus Killer dragged you to the side while we worked out the arrangements with the Emiya family?" said Rin, tapping her foot.

"Let's just say he's relentless when he's after information," said Archer.

Kiritsugu had been a little...kinder...than he would have been considering who Archer actually was, but in the end he was like a dog on a particularly meaty bone. He dragged every scrap of information out of Archer, so they could formulate a proper plan.

So far it was looking like the entire Fifth Grail War was going to end in a stalemate, with no actual winner.

Mostly because the major powerhouses of the war weren't actually interested in winning it since they knew the truth, and once Gilgamesh was out of the way, no one could really compete with Berserker, let alone the tag team of Iris and Lancer.

And all this before Saber had even made an appearance. That was the only Servant who hadn't been summoned yet.

Rin debated telling him to get off the couch, but she was just as drained as he was. Illya was ruthless when it came to her family.

"Attack anyone who comes to the house, I don't care who it is. I just want to sleep," said Rin.

"Agreed."

By morning, they were still in shock, but they were at least functional again.


"Agh! Did someone slip one of the carving knives into the dishes?" said Shirou, holding his right hand as if he had been cut.

"Shirou, you know we don't go near the kitchen (except for Iris) under pain of death," said Illya from her spot on the couch.

Out of the entire house, only Shirou, Iris, Sakura or Ranma knew how to cook. At all. Out of those four, only Shirou or Sakura were allowed in the kitchens to cook meals for everyone, and Sakura never cooked alone. Iris and Ranma could cook something edible, but not very fancy.

Which meant that the kitchen was essentially Shirou's territory.

As a consequence, it was rare for them to so much as do the dishes. That wasn't to say they didn't do any chores. Ranma and Iris helped clean the house and did the laundry. Need any heavy lifting done? They were your go-to people. But dishes?

Not a chance. Not if it meant risking Shirou's wrath.

Kiritsugu took one look at the cut on Shirou's hand, and snorted derisively.

"You didn't cut yourself. It seems the Grail got impatient and chose a Seventh since no one was willing to step up to the plate."

Shirou groaned in dismay. He had agreed to stay out of this stupid fight.

"Tohsaka is going to be insufferable about this."

"Do you want my old Servant, or do you want to test your luck?"

"I'll try pot luck, thanks. As interesting as Saber is, I'd rather have one that suits me rather than someone as stuck up as she was, if your stories are accurate."

Kiritsugu walked Shirou through removing the sheathe inside him (by common consent he kept it, since he was a suicidal idiot who needed the boost) and Shirou waited until the optimal time to summon Saber, the last remaining card left.

When he came out of the shed (having already informed his new Servant the rules of the house...mainly no killing or targeting the others unless they attacked first) Kiritsugu took one look at the man and promptly face palmed.

"How exactly did you summon a child version of Gilgamesh as Saber?"

"Hey! I'm not weak you know!" protested Gilgamesh.

"No, but your older self is an absolute bastard," stated Kiritsugu flatly.

"I would comment on the language, but he's probably heard worse," said Iris from where she was sitting.

"What's going on here?"

"Basically the Grail forced Shirou to become a Master, and he didn't want anything to do with King Arthur so he summoned one at random. And none of us are interested in the thing so long as it's corrupted, so the biggest issue now is to find a way to end this war permanently without summoning the actual Grail," said Iris. Then her eyes glinted. "But before we get into a rather long boring discussion about that, I have one question."

"What?" asked Gilgamesh.

"Exactly how old are you?"

"I'm fourteen."

"Perfect... Illya, Sakura, grab him."

"EH?!"

"Good luck Saber. You're going to need it," said Shirou with a rather odd look on his face. Kiritsugu recognized the glint in Iris' eyes as well, because he was definitely going to pretend to not hear any pleas for help or mercy.

"What the heck is going on...!" shouted Gilgamesh as they practically frog marched him into another room.

"What just happened?" asked Rider.

"Iris saw a new victim for her cosplay addiction and Gilgamesh can fit into all her old outfits," said Shirou without looking up from where he was doing dishes.

"...Wait, all her old outfits? Including..." said Lancer, staring at the door with something resembling pity.

"I think she'll at least save those for special punishment. But there's no way I can go around with a fourteen year old wearing armor, and this way I don't have to go clothes shopping," deadpanned Shirou, making a racket to drown out his new Servant's cries for mercy. From the sound of the racket in the room, he was guessing tickling. A lot of tickling.

Gilgamesh came out looking somewhat violated, though at least he didn't stick out like a sore thumb anymore.

"The Roxas cosplay from Kingdom Hearts?" asked Kiritsugu, wishing he didn't know half the series his children were interested in, much less the characters.

"He wouldn't stop squirming, so we couldn't get him into the Inuyasha one," admitted Illya.

"You guys are mean," he whined.

"Better you than us," deadpanned Shirou, Lancer, and Kiritsugu. They had all been victims of the girls cosplay streak. And Ranma was usually quick enough to get the hell out of the house when he sensed it come up.

"Don't we have to register at the church?" asked Illya.

"Do we have to do it right now?" said Shirou.

"Do we have to bother with it?" said Iris at the same time.

She hadn't bothered to register, not after finding out who the mediator was. And it wasn't like any of their techniques were magecraft after all, so the Church didn't have to clean up after the witnesses.

"Why bother. It's not like Iris would use magecraft to fight, and Shirou is more likely to use mundane guns and his damn near supernatural ability to aim on any Masters," said Kiritsugu.

Ko Gil looked very confused.

"Since we're not going to bother registering, who's up for some dancing? They recently got some new music at the dance hall and I've been wanting to drag Lancer there for days," said Iris.

"Exactly how many activities do you guys do anyway?"

"Iris loves anything that gets her moving. She once considered gymnastics but dropped it after a month when she realized she was more flexible as a martial artist than as a gymnast...that and the instructor was a bit too obsessed with Olympic potential. Her main activities are parkour, skating, dancing and watching anime. Oh and cosplay," said Sakura.

"Cosplay is fun," said Iris grinning.

"Would have pegged you for a video game addict, with all those activities," said Lancer snorting.

"She kept breaking the controllers with her absurd strength, and we got tired of buying them. Besides, if you want the gamer of the family, that would be my forte," said Illya.

Iris would get so into the game that she didn't realize she had accidentally destroyed the fragile controller until she got the electric shock from the exposed wiring. After the tenth time, she opted to stick with her anime and cosplay addiction.

Even the reinforced controllers (courtesy of Shirou attempting to cut back on expenses) broke under her absurd strength. Needless to say Berserker was automatically banned from playing any games long before being summoned.

Lancer had an amusing idea.

"Tell you what, I'll go dancing if you'll go spear fishing out in the river I fish on," said Lancer.

"I wouldn't. Who knows what sort of remnants from Caster's abomination are still there?" said Kiritsugu.

"I thought Caster was mostly sticking to the temple?" asked Shirou.

"I'm talking about the previous Caster, who set up shop in the sewers and experimented on young children," deadpanned Kiritsugu. "They actually offered all the Masters a free command seal to get rid of him."

"Gross...wait, where do you normally get fish from again?" said Iris to Lancer.

"Been using a boat after I realized most of the fish near the city have this weird taint to them. Didn't know what it was, but I figure anything feeling like a familiar wasn't worth eating," said Lancer immediately.

"Who have you been renting a boat from?" asked Shirou incredulous.

"Old man Raiga. He lets me borrow this little boat with a pair of good oars so long as I don't mind fishing out some old lobster traps for him when I bring it in," said Lancer.

There was stone silence, as Iris face-palmed.

"Raiga Fujimura has been using you to smuggle things in the city without having to deal with the cops," said Iris incredulous.

"I get a free boat and he gets a free delivery of whatever's in the traps. And since I generally go roof hopping, I don't have to worry about being stopped by cops," shrugged Lancer.

Raiga didn't have to worry about the packages, because as long as he was allowed to fish in peace Lancer generally didn't care about what was in the traps. And he was a lot more reliable than having his own men sent out to get them.

"I believe I should have a word with Raiga about using Lancer as a delivery boy."

"You want to use him in the same function to upgrade your arsenal," snorted Iris. She was not an idiot.

Kiritsugu didn't bother to deny it. As long as Lancer was going to be an unofficial carrier for the yakuza, they might as well get some use out of it.

Besides, they were running low on ammunition anyway.


Raiga Fujimura found himself amused. It was nice dealing with someone as pragmatic as Kiritsugu was, especially once he found out the side deal he had with Lancer.

The odd Irishman was more reliable than any courier he had, and he didn't have to worry about the packages being 'misplaced' or looked through.

And really, paying for such a service (under the table, of course) was par for the course. He was surprised it took the assassin this long to find out about the whole thing.

Not like the cops knew about Lancer, or the fact that Raiga got fresh fish from the ocean for the price of a small boat. And it wasn't like anyone could keep up with the Servant.

Kiritsugu came in with some catalogs, and left with a small confirmation slip that he'd be getting some hard to get weapons at a discount from the clan. So long as his children were kept out of clan business, they could cut deals with each other.

A week later, Lancer brought some rather...odd...packages from the harbor and handed them to Kiritsugu.

"Raiga said he doesn't mind helping you get the ammo or any upgrades, so long as you don't mind loaning me out for deliveries."

"I can't believe you're letting Lancer act as a mule for the yakuza," said Sakura.

"He knows nothing, and as far as the cops need to know he's just using unconventional bait for lobsters. So long as no one sticks their nose where it's not wanted, it's not our problem. Besides, it's a nice, stable source of extra income," said Iris shrugging.

Genma Saotome raised his son to be a thief and a con artist (not to mention cheating at gambling). While he had never stooped so low as to be a mercenary for hire (mostly because it would involve a lot of killing), he did have some rather questionable morals. Some of which had been passed to his son, despite his sense of honor.

Iris had a firm rule about the packages Lancer kept bringing (and placing). They couldn't cause direct harm (such as bombs) and Lancer wasn't required to meet any other parties outside of Raiga. She did not want the label of "drug dealer" to be placed on her Servant.

Mule was acceptable, but only just. And that was because she had no idea what was in the packages, nor did she want to know. All Lancer was doing was placing or removing unknown boxes right after he finished fishing for the day, and that was it.

It didn't exactly hurt that the harbor master was being paid to look the other way.

Raiga paid them a very good sum of money, because they weren't going to pry into his business and because Lancer was always prompt in his deliveries. And frankly they needed the extra cash, because of the number of mouths in the house that needed to be fed.


They were having a perfectly ordinary spar with their weapons (Lancer with his spear and Iris with her naginata) when it happened. Without much warning, the naginata snapped in half, despite Lancer trying not to destroy his girlfriend's weapon.

Iris looked at her destroyed weapon, and Lancer didn't show any pity despite her disappointment. She loved that weapon, as it was almost perfect for her style of fighting since it gave her the longer reach she was accustomed to.

It was a sore point, but while Ranma had the strength and the reach, Iris had the speed and the intelligence. Hence why she had only picked weapons that extended her ability to hit something.

"I would say you could just get another, but I know better than most modern guys the bond a warrior has with their weapon," said Lancer.

"We'll give it a proper burial later."