Author's Note: I keep waiting for the chapter when I'll cross the line and lose the readers I never expected to have with this fic...maybe this chapter is finally the one. ^^;
Day 189
When I think about it – which I don't, much – those three years with him were the best three years of my life. Everything was shit before that – not that I'm complaining, it's just a fact – and everything since he died has pretty much gone back to shit. But for a while there, for three short little years, things were almost…perfect. He came into my life with a smile, and he changed everything. And he kept on smiling right up until they killed him.
I never let myself think about him now…but I can't help it today. And the reason is that Roxas has brought me down to the Salon, and I just saw a guy that looks so much like him – a Pet.
I'm standing here in this fucking thong, and Roxas is having drinks with that silver one, Riku, and I think he brought me because he could see how nuts I was going locked up in his room. But he won't send me over to any of the stages. He promised. I'm just here to stand by quietly, people-watching in the Salon, the center of Tanagura's filth. And that's when I see him.
The Pet's hair is brown and his hair was naturally brown, but he didn't leave it like that often. He liked to dye it any number of colors, as much as he liked to mess with the style. But his favorite look was to lighten it to sandy-blond and spike it up, with long, silky-soft parts in the back and close-shaved sides. Weird as hell, and I told him if they arrested him for making himself blond then there'd be nothing I could do, he'd be doomed to be fucked by fat old prison thugs for the rest of his life. But he just smiled and laughed and kept walking that dangerous line in his carefree way. Gods, I loved him.
This Pet has hair like his natural color was. He doesn't have the long parts in the back either, but the sides are short and the top is spiked, and I know what that feels like. Under the pads of my fingers, the stiff fuzz of short hairs, the feeling of longer spikes getting disheveled as I run my hands through them, I know. And his face. It isn't quite right, of course, but the resemblance is enough to feel like a knife in my gut. I do not want to think of him here, I don't want to see some Pet in a thong parading around with his face in this hellhole of depravity. And I can't look, I won't watch what that Pet is doing now, onstage…with some other Pet. I will not see him up there, doing that, dirtying his face and his hair and…and his navel and his calves, so similar…I can't, I can't… I think I'm going to scream.
"Axel?"
Roxas is looking at me, and his voice is cold, the way it should be – we have to be careful here, in public. But he must have noticed something, because his blue, blue eyes are concerned, he's not hiding it well. The other one is looking at me too, frowning a little. I need to calm down.
I need to stop thinking about him.
I give them a look, shake my head, and Roxas seems warily reassured. He goes back to talking to Riku, and they seem to be discussing Riku's Pet, Sora. Riku didn't bring him; I'm standing by their table alone.
"He's…resting. He's a very delicate Pet. I…let him rest often."
Roxas nods, hearing the things Riku isn't saying, because they can't talk about this openly, not here. But that foolish little Blondie can't keep the slight color out of his cheeks, and I'm guessing he's the reason his Pet needs to rest today. But he doesn't seem as troubled by it as the one time he came to talk to us – in fact, he looks a little bit secretly happy whenever he mentions his Pet – so I'm guessing things aren't going too badly with them.
A particularly loud, erotic cry from the stage snatches my attention back for a moment…and then I look away, fast. Damn it. I was just managing to forget that Pet…and now he's getting publicly fucked. Roughly.
Over the music and the talking and the other sounds from other stages, I hear that one voice, I can't block it out, damn it, damn it. At least he doesn't sound the same…but it's enough to hear and know how like him he looks. It's like he's here, alive, and enslaved in Tanagura like me. And that…I can't bear that thought. He was an angel, he was pure and lovely and so far from this perversion and evil that it should never, never touch him. Hells, the reason I haven't even dared to think of him since coming is that it would be almost like bringing him here!
Roxas must have noticed me again, because he's saying farewell to Riku and getting up to leave. "Come, Axel." I follow him, and I'm grateful for the concern, I am, but my mind is still stuck on him. And I always avoided these thoughts, too, because I know I can't shut him out once I start remembering.
We're silent in the lift, going back up, sky-high, to Roxas' room. He doesn't speak, but I only half-notice. My mind is full of memories stirred up by that Pet – memories of him, his smile and his touch, but most of all…the way he was in bed. When we made love.
What was it like for him? I don't think I've ever wondered about that before, not much anyway. He was my first, and he wanted me to enter him, and that suited me fine. I would have switched if he'd asked to, but he just…hadn't yet. So I never found out what it felt like for him.
Then I came here, and I don't even know how many men fucked me into the floor when I was being "trained." Kind of like what that Pet was getting onstage. Now I know what it feels like to be taken, but…it's not the same. It's rough, cruel, and painful, and I was never like that with him. So maybe they've forced me to come that way countless times. Yeah, it's a form of pleasure too, but different. Not at all like the pleasure I gave him.
I may not know what it felt like, but I know he enjoyed it. He was always very vocal and passionate in bed – there was no mistaking those reactions. And then, on top of that, there were the things he'd say. When it was over, and we lay there enjoying the afterglow, and touching, and kissing…then he'd start murmuring things that would make any man think he was the best damn lover on the planet. And then sometimes he'd get this cute, wicked little smirk, and his compliments would start to get a little dirty, a little naughty, and that's how I knew he wanted more, because when he talked to me like that I'd be up and hard again in a flash, no matter how tired I was.
I gave him everything I had, and I know he enjoyed it and he was happy, and I'm glad. But even though I know…I guess…my body doesn't know. My body knows pain, and that Pet reminded me of it…and…it's really insane, I can't explain this, but…my body wants some reassurance.
He's not here in this filth, his sweet, lovely beauty isn't tarnished like me, and I gave him love and pleasure while I could…I know. But there's a Pet here that looks so much like him, and that Pet is getting fucked right now, and my body is tense with the memory of that pain screaming through me, and I want to know what it felt like for him, I want to know that it didn't feel like this.
A door opens, and another, and we're in Roxas' room again – I didn't even notice most of the trip here, I was just following him. And now I stop and stand still, not sure what to do with myself as he goes to his changing room, habitually freeing himself from the heavy cloak and other impractical articles of a Blondie's wardrobe.
Maybe he'll ask me what was wrong…maybe he'll be angry. Doesn't really matter. I don't want to talk about it. I might never be able to tell Roxas about him.
"Axel." I look up, and he's back, watching me, studying me carefully as he steps forward. Please don't question me, please…
"Are you all right?" He's right in front of me, now.
Glancing away, avoiding those blue – not aqua-light, not sparkling…too dark, too deep, too blue – blue eyes, I mumble, "I'm fine."
He's silent, regarding me a little longer. Drop it, don't ask… And then hands slide up my arms to settle over my shoulders and pull down.
"OK." And he kisses me.
It's a slow but firm press, a tiny bit cautious but mostly just…offering the opportunity of a new focus, new direction. And that's great and all, I appreciate what he's doing, but the thing is…I just don't feel like it. He is filling my mind, and I can't take someone else's body, not now. I can't do the things I did with him. With him in my head like this…it's too painful.
He pushes forward a little, but I'm unresponsive. I'm not really sure how this will go…how do you reject a Blondie? The last time I tried, I was in training and…well, it didn't work. But things have happened since then… Am I in a position to reject him now? And…if I'm not…can I handle what that would mean?
He's frowning, drawing back, seeking my eyes, but I won't meet his. "Come on, Axel…"
Sullenly, I answer, "No. I don't want to." Nervousness is churning in my gut, though, and he's blinking in surprise, and between those two things I just have to say something to…soften the sting, I guess.
Still looking away, I add, "If you want it, you do it."
He goes still, and I can feel him watching me. I check the very edges of my vision, and I can see that he looks a bit taken aback at the suggestion. But his expression is changing, turning more thoughtful, puzzling, and he's looking me over so I dare to look a little more fully at him. There's a small, frowning crease between his blond eyebrows, and he's biting his lip just a little.
The poor kid looks kinda troubled, and I'm wondering if I should take it back, help him out or something…but then, that's the problem, I'd have to take the lead with him, and even if he's an amazing fuck and even if he's more to me now than just any Blondie, I just can't right now. As I'm hesitating, that's when he moves.
He leans forward a little abruptly, and licks my nipple. Sort of tentative, sort of experimental…sort of wet and warm and stroking, um. Then…he latches on. Sucking and nipping just a little, really carefully, his arms slipping around my torso loosely. I just blink a few times, staring. Half of me wants to laugh, because apparently he's decided to try copying the things I always do to him…and half of me wishes that I didn't feel so much right there. I mean, they weren't particularly sensitive spots originally, but…three years of sensual attention kinda changed that, and "training" didn't reverse anything. So, uh…it would be great if he'd…stop…before I…
Letting go, his mouth moves upward, and he starts to work over my neck. It's kind of sloppy, kind of clumsy – especially since he has to stretch a bit to reach this high – but it's really…not bad. Neither are his hands…not bad. Slipping down, holding my hips a moment, fingertips reaching behind a little and touching my ass. Which is weird, because I think it might be the first time he's touched my ass, even after all this time that he's been looking at it every damn day.
His hands aren't there long, however. After one smooth caress, they move back around and…and cup my groin. Cup…and start to slowly knead through the thong with movements that are surprisingly confident and firm. I guess he's still a Blondie after all. Somehow, that thought doesn't really kill my body's awakening interest in Roxas' actions.
He fixes me with a sharp look, hands still moving. "Don't complain if you don't like it. I'll try not to hurt you, but…I might anyway."
I'm not really sure what to think of this. I nod at Roxas for now, but suddenly I'm wondering if this is a good idea. I'm not at all sure this will be any easier – allowing Roxas to take charge of my body, Roxas, the Blondie who stood by smiling while man after man raped me until I bled…
Maybe I shouldn't think about that. Maybe remembering is only making this worse. If I just…stop thinking, and pretend this isn't scary, and just…feel…maybe it won't go too badly. And really…it's not like the feelings at this moment are bad. I'm stiffening in response to his hands, and they change from kneading to stroking my hardening erection.
It's easier to forget everything else now, easier to just feel…and then Roxas stops what he's doing, and I can feel his fingers slip over my hips, under the thong as he carefully removes my only clothing. And he doesn't leave me long to wonder what he's going to do.
Blue eyes catch mine, and he lowers himself…to his knees. In front of me. Kneeling. Oh gods. He wouldn't…he would never…
A tongue that's almost too hot to believe presses my tip before sliding up the whole length of me, and if I wasn't quite fully hard yet, I sure as hell am now. Roxas is doing this to me. Roxas. Roxas is licking, stroking with his soft hands, and…and sliding his lips around me, taking me into his mouth, shit. Oh gods, oh Jupiter, oh shit. He sucks hard and it's so hot and wet in his mouth, tight, and even though I know he has no idea what he's doing he knows what I do to him and he's moving his tongue, and the hectic little spasms of that muscle against my underside are making me tense against the sudden urge to thrust. It's hard to keep control, hard to let him just bob his head awkwardly like this, sucking and moaning a little around me. I want to grab him and pound into his face, it's like a craving rising up from I don't know where, wanting, needing to fuck him right into his throat, watch him whimper and submit and cry, and then shoot all over his face, or into his mouth and make him drink it, make him lick up every bit as I look down on him, satisfied…
No. Fucking hell no. That's…well. I want to but…I won't. It's like what he did to me, and even if he deserves punishment for that, I won't. I'll be…the bigger man, or whatever. Maybe just because…he noticed I was upset down in the Salon today.
So I want to, but I hold on and hold still and let him just suck me, and it feels good, even with his lack of experience. The ring of his lips squeezes up and down my length, so good, and they're already wet, shining with his saliva and a little white mess that has already started leaking out of me. I wonder what he thinks of my taste? I'm…strangely addicted to his…
My hand moved, and I didn't notice. Now it's petting the side of his pretty face, unable to resist tracing the slight curve of his cheeks over my shape in his mouth, and it's all I can do to steady my roughened voice to speak. "How is it? You like that, Roxas?" Being the one getting the blow job – from a Blondie, no less – might be going to my head a little.
He pulls off with a hard suck that makes my knees shake a bit and licks his lips. That little crease is back between his brows, so cute in its uncertainty and concentration. "It's…weird." He licks once more at a bead of white fluid leaking from my tip, and moves to rise. "It's not bad though. Did you like it?" He hesitates, searching my face. "Do you want more? Want to come this way?"
Tempting… "Uh, that's OK, Roxas. I mean…you don't have to…" This position, with him it's…I don't know. Since I started sleeping with my Blondie master, I've always been mostly in control, but this…this is different. My mind is replaying the countless times he made me suck him off before we went further than that, and I keep remembering the way all those times ended. I don't know if I can resist doing the same to him after all, not if he finishes me off like this.
Nodding, he moves close, holding me and pressing our bodies together tightly. It's kinda strange, but it reminds me that this little Blondie isn't always going to be so young and small. He might have even grown a bit since he bought me. And one day, if he still has me when he's an adult, he'll probably tower over me with the unnatural height and strength of all adult Blondies.
He purrs against my collarbone, "Go to the bed. I have to find the lubricant." He doesn't sound too uncertain anymore.
If we last that long – until he's an adult – I might need to prepare myself for a complete reversal of our roles in this relationship. Is that scary or…exciting? I stop a moment. No…no, it's irrelevant. By the time he's an adult, he'll be tired of me. He is a Blondie after all, and childish obsessions fade. And even if he wanted, he couldn't keep me. For the first time, I consider the future. Going by the usual fate of Pets…I guess he'll be forced to sell me to a brothel. From there…well. I may never again walk the city streets free, my own man. Slavery until death…
Roxas returns to find me sitting on the bed, and he stops in front of me, his expression darkening. Irritated. "What the hells, Axel? If you're really that disinterested in it, you shouldn't have suggested that I do anything!"
Glancing down, I cringe a little, noticing the reason for his displeasure. I've gone almost completely soft, thinking about miserable subjects at the wrong time. I can think of a few lines that would make up for it – shit about the effect of his presence on me, slutty, teasing shit like that – but I'm really in no mood to play the whore for him. On the other hand, I can't piss him off either. Fumbling, I take hold of myself with a mumbled apology and I start trying get my damn cock back up.
A light swat to my arm stops me, and I look up to find Roxas crawling onto my lap, straddling me. "Never mind," he purrs, "I'll just have to excite you again." And pretty lips curl in this little smirk before he kisses me, and nothing is familiar. I was once used to seeing a cold, confident smirk, and since then I've seen that change to a really tempting sort of "come hither" look…but this time he's looking at me with something else. Warm confidence and a sense of intent without the cruelty…like nothing I've seen from him before, gods. And his kiss…it's forceful and he's up on his knees, higher than me and pulling my hair to bend my head far back and make me submit to his tongue in my mouth, far less clumsy than when we started this whole thing, fucking Jupiter's bracelets. And I can't do anything but give in, I can barely spare a thought for breathing as he kisses me with this delicious blend of intentional force and melting pleasure… Well, fuck me, that's doing a damn good job, actually.
He chuckles breathily when he feels my renewed erection poke him, and slowly pulls back. Blue, blue eyes have more than intent and lust in them now – there's a spark that looks like…curiosity? Realization? And I shudder a little. Jupiter help me if he just realized how weak I am to his kisses… And…and I forget what I was just thinking, because he leans forward experimentally and kisses my neck, then kisses again, and whether it's the better angle now or he's just a fast learner, it's not as awkward as before. It's kinda…really good. He's moving up, sucking a bit, reaching my earlobe and playing with little nibbles. Then, slowly – pausing first to make me hold my breath, shivering a little in anticipation – he tongues the inside of my ear with a little twirl…while his fingers do the same thing over the head of my cock, a little twirl, shit.
His voice is a breathy purr, and I can feel his lips brush my ear when he speaks, so close… "I love this, you know. I love your cock…" I hear that and shiver, the heat in my groin intensifying, an agonizing tightness building as he touches me slowly. "Now," he continues, so softly, "let me learn to love your ass, too."
I…it's like I'm hypnotized. I can't think of a damn thing to say to that, and his hands gently prod me, guiding…and I just roll over quietly, laying myself out before him on the bed. I just feel kinda…dazed. I didn't know about this side of him…I didn't know he could do this to me, make me feel this way.
His hands squeeze my ass, opening me up, and I think I'm figuring out what it feels like to be a nervous, vulnerable virgin. Not that I'm even close to virginal, but it is the first time I'm letting someone touch me like this, and hells, it really does take a measure of trust, doesn't it? My stomach flips around a little, uncertain, and I wonder if I'm really able to trust anyone this much anymore…
"Hold yourself open for me." The quiet command makes me freeze for a brief moment, gripped by something a little more than nervousness – something like fear. It's not the same tone, but it reminds me…reminds me of all the times I was helpless, forced into submission, and listening to quiet commands calmly directing my torturers, letting me hear what was coming before it happened, making everything that much harder to endure.
It's hard to obey, but I have to remember – I got myself into this. So I do it. Pull my own ass open for a Blondie…gods, it's hard to believe. I hope he doesn't hurt me, is it gonna hurt? It probably will…he doesn't really know what he's doing, after all. If he hurts me… My whole body is tense with the thought, with the physical memories of pain, so clear right now, so frightening…
But he speaks again, and his voice…it's so breathless and warm, so unfamiliar that I want to look back and make sure he's really the one talking. "So…wow. So beautiful, Axel…you're so alluring…" Fuck, are you shitting me? I wonder… What does his face look like right now? How does he look, when he's looking at me…? I stop thinking about that. He moved close, all of a sudden, and I feel his hands slide down my ribs and then…then a kiss. Soft and warm and unmistakable, right in the center of the lowest place on my lower back – a press of lips, lingering, then a hot stroke of a tongue, then both together, sucking a little, concentrating on that spot. And I…can't begin to understand why he's kissing my lower back, or why, why it's carrying these waves of tingling pleasure straight to my cock until I can barely keep my hands where they are…because I want to grab hold of myself and stroke this feeling into madness. I want more, I want to come…it's too soon but I want it…
He pulls back and I catch the familiar sound of a bottle opening. Should I remind him about stretching…? Nope, never mind. He knows…of course. I feel slippery fingers glide down the seam of my ass, spreading lubricant. It sends a shiver through me, a tingling need for that touch to keep going…and I don't know how he senses what I want, but his hand doesn't stop. He moves down between my legs in this long, slippery caress, fucking Jupiter, all the way to my sac and over until he's sliding his wet fingers right to the tip of my cock… Ohhhh fires of all the hells it feels good. Then his hand is removed and his touch slides back again, pressing and then beginning to rub in slow circles over the spot where he'll…he'll enter…
"Unnngh…" I don't realize until too late that I was the one who released that soft moan…damn. But I couldn't help it. He just keeps rubbing, around and around, massaging the surface with this endless, slick caress until I'm beginning to forget that I was worried he'd hurt me because this teasing touch is driving me crazy and why doesn't he just hurry up and get in there already?
"Does it feel good, Axel?" Fuck, I can't believe he's the one asking me that! And I'm really getting curious about his face, his expression, because his voice sounded soft and kinda like he was trying to be sexy…but there was this breathy sound that makes me want to check and see if he's hard too, now, because he sounds just a little bit desperate… "Tell me if it hurts…" He pants a little, and the circling massage gets firmer, suddenly pressing slowly forward. His fingers continue to rub circles around and around as the first one slips into me so easily I might not have noticed, except now I can feel the rubbing from the inside too…fuck.
Another finger joins the first inside me, never relenting in the circling motion, making it hard, so hard to keep from making any embarrassing sounds. Fucking hells, I don't want to whimper like a little bitch, but I might not be able to help it if he doesn't move in more. Because I know where that spot is, I'm keenly aware of just how much further he needs to push in to touch it, never mind how I know about it, I just want him to do this rubbing massage thing right there on that spot. And hurry.
But things like "more" and "hurry" and all those begging things…I don't want to say that. I guess it's OK that we're doing this, but…but I don't want to be like that. Not that there's anything wrong with it – I really like it when he says those things – but it's just…pride, I guess. As if I have any claim to that anymore, haha yeah right. Still, though. I just…I bite my lip to hold back a grunt almost-successfully and just hope he starts to show his naïveté soon, because if he keeps being this good…I might be in trouble.
I don't know how many fingers he has slowly worked into me, adding more lube all the time, when he finally starts to push deeper. All I know is closer, yes, a little more… and then gods of Amoi yes, yesss! His touch feels so good, better than I imagined, and he does the circle-rubbing thing there too, which I have to remember. I don't think I've tried that on him…and he'd…he'll look so delicious…his reaction if I do this to him…he'll…gods…gods!
"R-Roxas…that…hhnnnn!" That wasn't a moan. It wasn't. It was…a long grunt.
"I…" He seems choked, still rubbing maddeningly inside me. "I don't know what else I can…to prepare you…Axel. I could…try a toy, maybe? To reach…"
I know what he means. And yeah, really, toys can reach further and I should probably want him to get one and use it, less chance of pain later and all, but…but he'd have to get up to go get one, and he'd have to stop, and then I'd have to endure more of this while he used some piece of fucking plastic. So… "No, it's OK, Roxas." I clear my throat roughly, trying to get the gasp out of my words. "You can…uh, I mean, I'm ready enough."
"But it's been so long since…um, that is…you're…t-tight." So long since…the last time you had another Pet rape me? Yeah, I know. It's not a pleasant thought, but I don't feel quite as bitter about it as I expected.
I make my voice sound confident and consoling…try to give him a little direction. He sounds kinda worried, kinda nervous, and I don't want him to be. "It's fine, Roxas. It won't hurt. Trust me, I'll be all right. OK?" Though it will hurt, it will, probably…I know. But I think I can handle it so that he's not upset… "Just…go ahead."
"You'll t-tell me if I need to stop, right?" His voice is really uncertain now. Huh. So much for a Blondie's confidence. I guess…he's still just a kid, after all.
"Yeah, Roxas. I'll let you know." I probably won't though, if I can help it. The way he is right now…he'd probably back way off, mortified. He sounds like he'd feel really bad if I admitted that he hurt me…and that's an odd facet to our new reality. I still can't quite get used to it. Being cared for by a Blondie brat and all. Not that I preferred "training" but…I don't know. It was easier to understand.
But now he's adjusting himself, trying to get into the right position, and I try to lift my hips up a bit, too. But I can't really go all the way up on my knees, because I think his legs are still too much shorter, and then he'd have a hell of a time trying to reach – too short on his knees behind me, too tall standing up. That wouldn't work…so I shift a little, bringing my knees up under me, laying over my own bent legs. He should be able to situate himself now…and I can just barely reach down and take hold of myself. There's not really room for him to do it, and he probably can't multitask quite that much anyway.
After a moment of fumbling – I guess he forgot to get his pants open before this – and another moment for more lube, I feel the hot pressure of his erection touching me…ready. I take a deep breath, trying to relax, trying to unclench my jaw and drive away this shuddering, lingering fear, this self-preservation instinct screaming at me, reminding me of the walls of hate I hid behind to protect myself from him…
But he's still pausing there, and I shove the fear aside, wondering what's wrong, and I crane my neck to look back over my shoulder at him. He's kneeling there, eyes squeezed shut, and looks scared shitless.
I pretty much melt, I think.
"Hey…what's the matter, Roxas?" My free hand reaches back for him, brushing over the hand grabbing my hip, and his eyes jolt open and meet mine, tortured. How strange… He seems so young and…oddly inexperienced right now. So childlike…
"What if I…?"
I sigh. "You won't hurt me. I'm really fine."
Blond hair flies back and forth as he shakes his head. "What if…what if I'm…bad? If you don't like it…"
Damn, what the hell? There's this little twinge in my chest when he says that, all worried, and sort of a helpless smile on my face, I think. And I really didn't ever want to use Pet lines with him – don't wanna reinforce the whole "I'm the Pet, he's the Blondie" thing – but right now…he needs to hear something that he hasn't heard yet.
"How could I not like having you inside of me? I want it…I want you. Can't you tell?" Somehow, saying the words…they suddenly feel so much more true than they did a minute ago…when I wasn't sure I wanted this at all. Now…now I really…do. I want to know what it feels like…having my lover inside me. Wait…my lover? That's not…quite true…
My fingers wrap around his, squeezing gently. "Just…hurry. Hurry up and…take me. I want…I want to feel you." Ha…never said that before… It's weird. It is but…it's not as wrong as I expected. It might even be almost…right. Somehow.
Like he's hanging on for dear life, his eyes stay locked with mine, and I don't care if my neck hurts at this angle, I keep watching him…as he slowly pushes into me, oh fucking Jupiter…oh. It…it doesn't hurt. There's a little burn and the familiar unfamiliar stretching feeling, but it's so different from the pain my body remembers, so much easier…I don't mind at all. And he is so careful, so hesitating, stopping a little short for now…and that more than anything might be the most torture, the tantalizing slowness of it. I almost want to move for him, speed things up…but I have to restrain myself – remember, he's in control this time.
Weak-voiced gasping reaches me – I couldn't hold my head up anymore, all I can see is the sheets, so I'm focused on him through touch and hearing – and he moans and moves in and out a few times, gentle thrusts that make me shiver, gods. He struggles to speak, hands clutching involuntarily at my hips, "Axel…oh…f-feels…" He breaks off with a whimper.
"Yeah…" Huh…my voice sounds a little weak, too. Unexpected…
"D-does it…?"
"Yeah…it feels good, Roxas." And I'm not lying. Really…not lying. So this is how it felt for…him… It's a soothing thought, and I can feel myself relaxing. It won't hurt if it's like this. And…the fear that's been eating at my insides since down in the Salon…it's starting to fade. This is what I needed to know.
And then…I stop thinking about that. About…him. It's OK now, and now that I'm not agonizing over it…there's Roxas. Roxas moving, Roxas inside me, and all of a sudden the reality sinks in – This is us having sex too. We might do it like this a lot more someday…but this is also sex with Roxas. He…this is how he makes love. And now he's moving faster, starting to gain some confidence, starting to follow the instincts that teach him what he should do…and I'm starting to feel incredible. My body reads his rhythms and my hand follows his pace easily, stroking my own cock and hells, I didn't know it felt this good, both at once – thrusting inside and stroking together, I didn't know…
I like it – doing this with Roxas. And now I realize something – I don't just like fucking a pretty little Blondie into whatever surface is available. I like having sex…with Roxas. I don't care who does what, it doesn't matter – I like being with him like this. That's all.
His angle changes, and a second later I know why. His hands slide up from my hips, along my back and over my shoulders, and now he's practically lying on top of me, still just barely rocking in and out, so slow. I can feel his shirt against my sweaty skin, and it's sticking to me but it's soft, and he's so close, and then…then I feel his face press against my back, a slight sigh escaping him and cooling my skin for a moment as he just…holds me.
"This…this is how it feels for you? Something like this?" His voice is so soft, so melted and gentle…a few minutes ago, wasn't I remembering how young he still is? And now he's anything but childlike. He's almost…a man.
I bury my idiotic smile in the sheets and try to answer loud enough to be heard past the muffling fabric, "Yeah, Roxas…it's good, huh?"
"Oh, yes…" He breathes, then I feel his lips, his kisses along my shoulder blade for a minute. "Does it…nnnh…for you…this feeling inside, do you feel this, too? When you do this to me…"
My spine feels electrified. What…feeling does he mean? He couldn't… "Uh, which ahhh…which feeling, Roxas?"
He's purring now – such a strange, incredible sound – and holding me tighter and thrusting harder, gods yes… "Like…like…I don't know! Special, like…you're mine. You're mine, mine, precious and beautiful…" His voice is deep and hoarse and he just keeps murmuring, rambling, disjointed words and thoughts that I can't stop listening to, thirsting for. "But not like when I knew you were mine before, not like being the center of your world…or…or wanting to be…" He…he does? I didn't know… "Like you're mine, adorable, precious, everything…and I'll protect you. I'll…I want to…never let you be hurt. I want to make you safe…and happy…to…to be your shield…Axel. Axel…"
Gods of Amoi…he can't be serious.
"Does it feel like this for you…?"
What the hells do I tell him? Because…that's not just any feeling. That feeling, I recognize it. When I was with him, when I made love to him…that was the way I always felt. That was my love for him. And now… "Does it feel like this" for me? When I'm with Roxas, is it…?
"Yes…" What am I saying?
"It does?" His voice catches, chokes a little.
"Yes…it…it can feel like that."
He stops thrusting. Hesitates for a moment, watching me I think. Then his voice is just a whisper… "With me?"
I…I can't…I don't know! M-maybe… But before I can form an answer, he stops waiting for one. He pulls back suddenly and pushes in again – fast, forceful, good. Fucking gods…how did he get…good like this? Natural…talent…I guess. He's driving me crazy, I can't control myself when he's taking me like this – hard now, intense and wild…so good, so fucking wonderful like this, I can't hold out…
And then he grunts and I didn't expect it, but he's coming, I can feel it…coming inside me, shit, so hot, so sudden but I don't care, it's the first time this has ever felt good for me, good, and I want to feel it. It's…Roxas.
I feel him until he's done and pulling out, and I don't like that, I don't like losing him inside of me because I'm not done, not quite yet, but he's exhausted, collapsing beside me…so I just roll over to face him and stare at him – gods he looks amazing, so sexy – and I'm stroking myself fast, my whole body feels tight and agonized with need, focused on him, on his face, on the feeling of warm orgasm inside me – his.
Blue. His eyes…he opens them and stares back, glassily, drifting in pleasure as he gazes at me and I'm closer, closer, his eyes on me are taking me almost to the edge…
A smile flickers in those blue depths, and the corner of his pretty mouth curls slightly, and he slowly moves, lifts himself, touches me – a hand pushes me over gently, onto my back. Then he's kneeling, moving down my body, gently stopping my hand and oh, oh replacing my touch with his own.
With his lips.
There's nothing slow about what he does now, nothing hesitant like the first time. Without waiting, thank the gods, he pushes his lips down over my cock. Then he's moving swiftly, bobbing his head and sucking, sucking, hand tight around the base while the other kneads my sac and fuck, fuck I don't care if I get teased for weeks, I can't hold back at all. And when I release, shooting into his mouth and feeling him swallow – swallow – around me again and again, I'm not thinking about humiliating him. Not now.
Roxas…Roxas…ohhhh gods oh fuck oh Roxas…
I'm drifting and not really aware right after that, but he must have finally taken off his shirt, and he's the one that pulls silken covers around us both…and when I can think again, there he is. Snuggled close against me, naked as I am, both of us falling asleep with arms wound around each other.
"Roxas…" I don't know why I wanted to whisper that. Habit, maybe…
He looks up, and then he's kissing me. Kissing and kissing and kissing…and then finally pulling away to murmur, "Sorry…I didn't get to kiss you enough."
"O-Oh…" I think I'm grinning like an idiot again.
"Um…" His voice goes quieter, more hesitant, like before. "If…if you liked that…"
I grin again and let my hand rub slow circles on his back. "I liked that, Roxas. Definitely."
His smile is bright and beautiful. "Th-then…um, if we ever do that again…" Again? I blink. Well, damn… "…Can we face each other? So…so I can kiss you?"
And all I can do, really…is kiss him. Kiss him and hold him closer and smile, because he's smiling, so I can't help it.
"Yeah Roxas. We can."
~o~
