Chapter 9. Understanding
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."
I swam silently through the cool waters, keeping myself hidden in the flourish of cattails racing around the crescent rim of the pool.
I had my eyes trained on my target lapping water into his perched throat, watching as how his ears swiveled into my direction.
And I could have sworn I saw a slow smirk curving into his lips as I readied myself to pounce, and suddenly….I attacked!
"VIVA LA FREEDOM!"
But as I shouted the white wolf easily stepped back and dodged my attack, sailing past him and back into the water with a loud 'splash'.
Slowly, I rose back to the surface in my human form, spurting out water as I glared softly at Kiba who was laughing at me and my drenched wet form.
"You could have at least pretended you didn't know I was there!" I huffed, looking down at myself and pondering whether or not I should shake myself so I could wet the white wolf for revenge.
Kiba chuckled, grinning at me as I pouted, puffing out my cheeks childishly as he said, "I did pretend not to notice you…for two seconds."
"Exactly!" I laughed, pouncing on him once more.
And I grinned in satisfaction when the white wolf yelped, but my revenge had caused Kiba to slip and being still on him, we both fell into the pool, crying out in surprise for different reasons.
When I broke through the surface of the water, I then found myself alone with Kiba nowhere in sight, and I knew he couldn't have left the water because I would have felt his movements.
"Kiba?" I called, furrowing my brows in confusion as I spun around for any sign of the white wolf, "Kiba?"
But it was quiet as I looked for the white wolf where I stood; I was so into finding him that I hadn't even noticed the figure reaching out from the waters towards me…until I was suddenly pulled under, yelping in surprise as it happened.
Immediately, I tried to spin myself around, successfully just rolling both Kiba and I around when he decided to do the same, and we laughed, splashing and jumping in the waters like children.
By the time we had finally crawled out of the lake we were drenched and it was raining, soaking our bodies even further, but I didn't mind the way the crystalline tears spread throughout my fur, shading it a tint darker than before.
I was just elated to be here in such a flourishing land, un-alert or worried of being attacked by wolves or hunters alike since we seemed to be the only wolves roaming these green vast lands and humans weren't allowed in Paradise.
And I kept close to the white wolf, watching the way the horses raced out of the open world and into the shelter of the woods, keeping my head low so the pattering rain wouldn't reach my eyes.
I enjoyed the feel of the icy droplets bouncing against my fur and the fresh scent it gave to the world, even the sound it made was soothing to my ears.
Suddenly, as if to snap me out of my relaxing daze, a howl pierced the air long and loud through the air, making Kiba and I freeze in place from the sound.
My ears swiveled at the undeniable wolf call, the feeling of tell-tell flutters of shock and excitement moving through my chest at the prospect of meeting another wolf here in Paradise.
There is another wolf! That was the only thing processing through my head at the moment, smiling excitedly at this revelation.
"Kiba…"
"Another wolf…" He murmured, gazing into the distance where the howl had erupted from.
I listened as the sound echoed, finding it easy enough to hear it bouncing from within the dense woods, calling to anyone for an answer in return, finding myself excited.
"Nai," Kiba began softly, "Stay away from them."
I gasped in shock, eyes wide at what the white wolf had asked of me, "W-what? Why?"
I flinched when he suddenly spun piercing gold orbs onto me, the childish flicker once invading them…now gone.
"Stay away from them."
I was shocked, I didn't know how to respond or even know why Kiba appeared so tense, fur bristling as another howl echoed into the area.
I wondered why it was we couldn't be excited for another wolf having found Paradise; I could reason that they couldn't be hostile if there's two of us, but then again…I couldn't really say they aren't if they are and just don't care.
'Nai.'
I could feel my ears swerve down against my skull, still unsure how to respond to the white wolf when I felt this unexplainable feeling of excitement within me in the thought of even meeting the other wolf.
I just couldn't help but think…Maybe it could be Toboe, Blue, Hige, maybe even Tsume and their calling for us!
"B-But…" I began hesitantly, glancing up at the white wolf cautiously.
"Nai!"
"Okay, okay!" I yelped, flinching back when he suddenly snarled at me, "I-I'll stay away, I'll stay away…"
And I hesitantly looked back up, twitching my tail nervously as I stared into the molten gold of the white wolf's eyes, "I promise…"
Kiba seemed to relax, sighing as the heated glare softened into a honey-like color, brushing the black tip of his nose against my muzzle comfortingly.
I immediately knew just from this gesture Kiba hadn't meant to growl or scare me, he was just being protective, but that's exactly what had me wondering.
Why would Kiba need to feel so protective when hearing the howl?
"Kiba…" I murmured softly, "Why…why do I have stay away….?"
And I watched as he paused, as if contemplating my question in any way he possibly could before saying, "Male wolves are better left to not come near you,"
….
…..Somehow…I felt insulted.
I gazed quietly to the cold world being incased by the tears of the gray skies, listening to the way they pitter pattered soothingly to the ground with its natural cleansing and nutrition to the world.
I couldn't help but smile, the way it just made music to my ears, a lullaby that just urged me to sleep like Kiba had, curled into the moss covered floor of our shelter.
"…You can't wish it all away…you can't cry it all away…"
My ears flicked forward, somehow entranced as I slowly stood, quietly padding out from Kiba's side as I made my way to the mouth of the cave and poked out my nose.
I shivered when a droplet slapped the black tip of my nose, making me bite back a giggle before I then sprinted out excitedly into the wet world surely turning slowly into night.
I darted through the pounding rain, yipping and laughing when I was far enough to not wake Kiba, jumping about and shaking my fur to feel more of the rain.
I just loved it, this freedom, this cool feeling of the rain seeping into my very being and soothing the depths of my heart.
I was completely…free.
And I adored it so much, not even thinking as I moved further and further away from Kiba, too content with my little world where I was free and unchained of the other desires, either my own or his.
"…Nai…."
I gasped, freezing in place as my head snapped to the side when I heard my name being called, gazing over towards the outline of the trees where it just seemed to get deeper and deeper with the darkness that swam inside.
And I tensed, seeing a figure step out, it was another wolf.
The wolf I was supposed to not even be near, the very one I had promised Kiba to stay away from.
But his presence had me curious, feeling my muscles relax as I stared back into his icy blue orbs that held nothing but kindness, stroking me with this familiar sense of security.
And I didn't understand why I felt that way, eyeing the large chocolate brown wolf disguised in his illusion, but he didn't keep a tight hold on it, letting me see past the bare skin and to the animal beneath.
He was as built as Kiba was, tail flicked up in the sense of pride and what the measure an alpha would take; his fur was tainted by golden patches that appeared as if the wolf had run through the night sky, catching the gleam of the stars into him.
It was so catching that I wasn't even cautious as I made my way up slowly towards him, maybe it was because he didn't seem so hostile as he watched me come closer, or maybe it was because of that familiar feeling fluttering through my chest…as if I had met him once before.
And when I saw him, this familiar feeling spiked something in my conscious, a flash of red fading in and then disappearing like the flicker of a flame.
"Nai…"
"How do you…know my name?" I asked slowly, not even thinking as I leaned in to get a better look at the wolf.
And he smiled softly, but it never reached his eyes that flickered with this smoldering sadness as he stepped forward deliberately as I then took in the human part of him.
His human self was another familiar thing I felt like I had seen before, shifting into my own illusion so that if he did attack I'd at least have a bit of a better chance in this form.
He was a young male of at least 20 years, just a few inches taller than me with tannish colored skin that contrasted almost exotically to his jet black hair that messed over his skull, his eyes almost striking of an icy blue.
He wore a white tee underneath the sleeveless black vest he wore, the tight jeans clutching onto his long legs almost hiding away the black converse he wore.
And on his left arm he wore a black sweat band, crimson strips crossing over the hems and etched into it was a crimson, crescent, moon.
I knew that I should have been more cautious as he came closer, but there was this feeling about him that made me not fear if he did…almost…like I already knew him.
But that couldn't be right because this wolf was…he was a face I didn't recognize in my memories, none of them, no matter how many people were flashing through my mind to get a match on this wolf, but he was nowhere…anywhere at all.
"I…I should have listened…," He suddenly murmured, making me strain just to hear what he had whispered despite being so close and still coming closer, "I should have listened, maybe then…none of this would have happened…"
What…wouldn't have happened? I wondered, gazing up at the wolf as he was then just a nose away from me, looking down as he seemed to reminiscence on something of his past.
I had tried backing away when I noticed him to be closer than I wished, but a flash of memory had frozen me on the spot, seeing another flicker of what looked like flames eating away at a forest all around me.
"I could have protected you from everything..." His voice seemed to shudder, just then noticing he had his arms suddenly around me; shaking away the blurry vision so I could listen as the wolf spoke with such sad feeling, "From all of it…even when I promised…"
And suddenly, I saw another flicker of memory: a young boy stood in front me while I was huddled in the broken bark of a tree, blocking out the reddish light from behind him as his lips moved urgently, almost like an eclipse that outlined his silhouetted figure red.
"We could still be together…but I just…I just didn't understand, and maybe if I had left with you that night-"
I didn't want the boy to leave, watching as he ran off and now feeling the new way smoke entered into my lungs and the warmth of the burning forest licked at my skin, but even as I screamed for him to stay…he kept running, the only thing keeping me hidden was the promise he made.
"You're never alone…never…never…"
And it was so bright despite it being dark filled by the night, the inky sky trying to be touched by the red flames rising up like arms, as if seeking the forgiveness of god himself as it consumed the vast land of forest and its creatures.
"St-stop…please stop…" I gasped, not liking the way these visions…no, these memories, stirred fear in my stomach….guilt.
The fire kept consuming the forest bit by crackling bit, killing its occupants as shadows raced through its burning nature to survive…or maybe it was to kill the remaining ones trying to escape.
"I was selfish, and I left you to fight alone because I wanted to see them…"
I wanted the boy to return, shivering and whimpering when screams echoed into the starry night, seeming to already know who it was…and feeling even more disgusted that I laid there helplessly for the promise the boy…no, the wolf made.
"But…I should have known how much pain you felt then as I left…if I had staid…if I had listened…"
"God, please don't hate me…because I'll die if you do…"
I gasped, suddenly only seeing blood in my vision now, staining further and further until I was gasping for air desperately.
I hadn't staid like I promised, wanting to go find them…all of them.
Who…?
"St-Stop…" I whimpered, feeling the way my eyes dilated as I saw redder blood spilling through the air…I didn't want to see anymore.
There was just so much blood coming from the bodies, limped over in front of my younger person, shocked as their shadowy figures were being stained by the inky crimson of blood.
It was like a family, noticing as well the just born pups that were lifeless and had never even gotten the chance to see the beauty of the light, even the wolf I had made a promise to was there…and lifeless.
…My fault.
Only one person was left, straining to look up from the pain of their tattered and torn body, begging me to run with lifeless eyes that wished for me to live.
…It was my entire fault.
"Run…Nai, run…!"
"Maybe then…maybe then we could still be-"
No more! I thought desperately, squeezing my eyes shut from the pricking tears of my memories.
I then shrieked loud and clear, unable to take any more of the memories this wolf before me was causing, pushing him desperately away from my person.
And I could feel the way I fell deeper into my memories, as if falling back into the darkness, tears spilling over my cheeks with each flashing red that I didn't wish to see from the very start.
My fault! I whimpered as I buried my tear stained face into the palms of my hands.
And I didn't even notice the streak of white slamming itself harshly into the other wolf, knocking him over as the two colors tumbled forward away from me, barely even hearing the angry snarls as I tried to rid away the bloody images of death, the scent of smoke and gun-fire from all my senses.
I despised it all, the red consuming everything I loved from the fire consuming the forest to the blood consuming the bodies that were dying underneath my closed lids.
Even those people who had been chasing them were covered in sinful red…and I was scared, they were chasing me, yelling angrily with rifles in their dirty hands.
I didn't like these feelings…these feelings of fear, misery and the guilt eating me away as the younger me of my memories ran away to live…to live.
"Nai…?"
I immediately flinched back when I felt a shadowing hand hover above me, trembling and whimpering when I was then lifted carefully from the wet ground into strong familiar arms.
Immediately realizing whose comforting arms I was in I wrapped my arms around their neck without a second thought, sniffling as I nuzzled my nose into the crook of their neck.
Not even thinking of anything but the heat radiating off this person who held me.
A low growl then erupted through their chest before carrying me through the rain, away from the wolf that brought forth dark memories within the consciousness that had tried to forget.
And I could feel the comforting rubs of a thumb racing over my back along with the nudge of a nose against my neck, as if telling me I had nothing left to fear.
But I had so much to fear, and probably more in the future as I fluttered my eyes open, gazing over Kiba's shoulder as I looked back to the other wolf standing dejectedly in the rain.
His eyes were swimming with sadness and yet…there was this other feeling I couldn't decipher, maybe because of the tears and the rain blurring my vision, making it seem as if the wolf was suddenly fading before my very eyes…almost like an apparition.
"We could have still been together…"
When I heard the echo of his voice and then the sadness so evident in his eyes, I couldn't help but want to desperately cry out…and tell him it was alright.
Even if he had brought back horrid images of death I knew my body wished to have forgotten, but…I just wanted to erase the deep sadness within his eyes right then for some reason.
But I couldn't seem to move, to get my body to cooperate with my desire as my eyes then fluttered closed without restraint, listening to the echo of his voice as the wolf then disappeared from the world.
"...We could still…be alive…"
…Will…
