Inspirational song: 荼靡时代by F.I.R. and Baragoku Otome by Ali Project. You can probably listen to it on youtube or something.

Firstly, thank you thank you thank you to Sun Xiao, it is amazing the dedication you have for me and my fic, I really cannot put into words how much your reviews and support mean to me!Look, I'ma getting all teary thinking about it ;_;

Yay! You promised that you won't hit me, Dia! Still lovin' your reviews and hopefully I can continue writing in a way that you won't hit me…

BIG THANKS to JeeJay! It is such an honour to receive a review (multiple, actually) from you! I say this every time I write you, but girl, you know your stuff! Every time I get a PM from you I always chuckle to myself afterwards until people start to give me strange looks! Please please please update soon….and review some more! O yea, after reading JeeJay's comments, I feel the need to clarify one point. In chap 2, Zhen did not kill Cao Pi, she merely immobilised him the way Shang immobilised Xiao in Ce's chapter, if you recall.

WOW! First time reviewers! Thank you heaps AmenoMurakumo! Such dedication to go back and review my fic from chapter 1! On retrospective look the first few chapters were a bit shocking, but I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it -_-;" Thank you Aubbs! I can't thank you enough! You words of encouragement really mean a lot to me ^0^ Please continue to read and review, I really take heart in what everyone says!

Disclaimer: Don't own it; it belongs to the fine people of Koei.


The Beautiful World

Zhen Ji's Perspective

The final days of my life are not ones worthy of remembrance. Actually, my very existence is not remotely notable, either. It's a shame really, I once had high hopes, high ambitions. I once believed the world is…beautiful.

Beautiful.

You used to love that word. In your eyes, everything is beautiful, even this cruel world we live in. You helped show me its beauty, you helped provide colour into my life, opened my eyes. But you've never once said that I was beautiful. You used to turn so red whenever I asked you why. I loved watching you stammer, your hands scratching your head. You never did answer me, but I was content. Even though you've never voiced it, I could feel it. Your every glance, your every touch, signalled to me how you felt. It was all I needed to get through another day. I truly believed that even if all the light disappears, even as the world crumbled beneath my feet, knowing how you felt was enough.

But the world is not beautiful at all. Poverty, corruption, tyranny and war are what fill the blank canvas that is the world we live in. In my lifetime, I have seen innocent women and children slaughtered; land and its inhabitants are now just prizes for the strongest to claim. I myself know exactly how it feels to live as a trophy. When our village was taken over by that despicable Yuan Shao, whom you were forced to serve, I was arranged for his son. I remembered your parting words, sweetly tattooed into my heart.

"Zhen, I promise that I will do all I can to get you back, but for the time being please hold on, for us."

Your words were the only thing on my mind as I bowed to Yuan Shao's ancestors as our wedding vows were read out. Yet as we waited for the mercy that was denied from the Heavens, your promise drifts further and further away. In the last few years, I've started to change, to adapt to my new life. I have made my heart colder, stronger for now I stand before a door that will never open. The door that will lead me to you.

It is ironic really. My whole life, I am forever haunted by contradictions.

I truly hate the sight of blood; its metallic taste soiling every fibre of my body. Yet I fight on the battlefield. Sometimes, amidst the heat of the battle, I wonder why I fight, my flute drenched in my enemies' blood, enemies who made the error of underestimating me, their helpless pleads begging me to think of their children. I don't think much of it. If they truly thought of their children, they wouldn't be fighting at all. But every time I catch a glimpse of you, donned in your armour as you rush through to provide reinforcements, I find my answer.

Then there is you. I sometimes wonder how long we must live this scripted life. Every morning, I would get up before sunrise, just to look at you as you trained in the courtyard, your moves graceful and deadly. You would see me and smile.

"Good morning, Lady Zhen Ji. Or can it still be morning if the sun has not risen?"

I would stammer something back, too mesmerised by your eyes. Just as I would succumb to the urge to touch you, you would pull back, alert as ever. The walls have ears; anyone could be reporting back to my Lord Cao Cao about unchaste behaviour in his castle. That stupid perverted man is a filthy hypocrite!

"How does my Lord fare this morning?"

You would ask, the pain unmasked in your face. And that's when I would remember everything. I was, again, the wife of our lord. Even if I was won over, my ownership changed hands; I did not, and could not belong to you. It's never ending. I'm so tired of being here, of waking up and playing my part.

Xiao Qiao…

Surprisingly, she reminded me of you. Every time she spoke, I would feel a sense of nostalgia. She was also very…optimistic about the world. Even though I could gather that her childhood had not been pleasant, she would smile and tell me about all the wonderful things that she did back home….things that I wanted to do with you. Trivial things like horse riding or picnics. Little things that would make her smile for ages after. Smile, even though she is in the middle of a nightmare. I guess it has something to do with her 'Lord Zhou Yu', whom she is always talking about. I think I understand, to some extent. Within your selfless, unconditional love, I didn't even know the meaning of solitude or despair.

But now I do.

The Lord Cao Cao is livid, he will surely seek retribution. I heard that he has already summoned Xiao Qiao's father. I just wish that the Heavens will not forsake her, as they have forsaken me…

It was a cold night. The absence of the moon made the night sky as black as coal, the little twinkling stars like grains of salt. For me, it was a very pleasing night, for my lord had left on a hunting trip. In my newly found solitude, I was able to drop the façade, allow my tears to flow freely down my usually conceited face. It was nights like these in which I longed for you, for you to take me away. I would let my imagination drift, past the mountains, through the seas, and back home, in He Jian Mo. We could live in the countryside, as commoners, peasants even. You would plough the fields and I would play the flute and wipe the beads of sweat from your face. We may not be wealthy, but we would be free.

Free and happy.

A sharp tap on my door dissolved my idyllic daydream. My brow contracted in displeasure.

Who dares disturb me in this late hour?

My personal servant appeared, with two strangers I have not seen before. A small man with an aura of felony that contradicted his expensive robes and a big man, not unlike Dian Wei, that would have had you buzzing with disapproval. That's when I noticed that the big man was carrying a bundle that looked like a sleeping girl.

Oh no, not this again. And so history repeats itself. My father-in-law is truly despicable.

"My Lady Zhen Ji, the Master Qiao Xuan requests an audience with the Lord Cao Cao. He says it is very urgent. He says that he is here with his gift to the Lord Cao Cao."

"My lord and the honourable Lord Cao Cao are not here right now. They are due back in the next few days." I spoke, my voice anything but inviting.

"Ah, the beautiful Lady Zhen Ji. What an honour it is to be graced with your presence. Your beauty is truly the p…"

I held up my hand, stopping the man and he quickly sank into a low bow. I hated being called beautiful. I hated anyone's eyes but yours on me.

"This is the girl? The Lady Xiao Qiao?"

She was so small; the pale yellow dress hung weirdly loose on her body as if her gown was hastily done back up. I swept a cold glance at the thug, drilling in my suspicion and disgust.

He shifted uncomfortably.

Disgusting.

I instead glanced at the smaller man, who was not very high in my books either. How heartless, to willingly submit your own daughter into the life I tried so hard to escape. "I could have sworn you had two daughters." I asked, though not really interested in the answer.

"Yes my lady. This is my youngest daughter, Xiao Qiao. My oldest daughter, Da Qiao was married to Lord Sun Ce not long ago."

I arched my eyebrow. "Lord Sun Ce as in the heir to the Wu Kingdom? The rumours were true then. Rumour also has it that the Lady Xiao Qiao was also wed, to his sworn brother, the strategist Zhou Yu if I was not mistaken." My Lord Cao Cao was not going to be pleased. He was promised a pure and untouched maiden.

The heartless one whimpered slightly, great beads of sweat forming on top of his furry brows.

Pathetic.

"The girl disobeyed my orders, my Lady. But rest assured that she is still pure. The marriage was not consummated. She is still a virgin. I have checked."

I shuddered, disgusted at this man who had just as much morals as the swindlers and peddlers down in the markets. I cannot even stand to breathe the same air as him. I waved my hand impatiently, my servant interpreting it correctly and ushered the two vermin out of my chambers. Heaving a long sigh, I looked at the sleeping girl on the floor.

Poor girl.

Sure, she was lucky to some extent. Though it was not unusual for Lord Cao Cao to leave the palace, it was quite rare for him and my husband to be absent at the same time. This means that she would at least enjoy her last days of peace. If she was smart then she would savour it. Life was not going to be pleasant from now on, trust me.

When she woke up, she surprised me. Most girls sold into the Bronze Bird Pavilion would go through approximately five stages: fear, rage, denial, sorrow and finally, acceptance. There was no other way. But she got up, dusted herself off, and introduced herself to me.

"Greetings, my name is Xiao Qiao, the blessed wife of Lord Zhou Yu." She reached for my hand. "And you are the Lady Zhen Ji I presume? I have heard a lot about you."

I have to say I was shocked, but I decided to give her the benefit of doubt. Maybe reality has not sunk in with the poor girl. Before I could reply, she reached into the folds of her dress and retrieved a small paper package. Carefully, she tore open the end and passed it towards me.

"Say, here's a question. What is dressed in red and is the sweetest thing in all three kingdoms?" She asked, a playful smile on her lips.

I cannot believe she could still be in the mood to play riddles. I shook my head, words failing me.

"Well, the correct answer is my Lord Zhou Yu of course, but these are a close second. They are red bean rice cakes, they are very delicious. Would you like to try some?"

Bewildered, I tore a piece off and ate carefully so as to not smudge my lipstick. It was indeed delicious. Her smile brightened as she stuffed a huge piece into her mouth, gobbling it down so fast I wondered when was the last time the poor girl ate. As the flavoured coating smeared over the rim of her lips, I stifled a chuckle. The Lady Xiao Qiao was very different from what I had imagined. We sat there for a while, the bag of rice cakes slowly disappearing until there was only one piece left. She carefully wrapped the remaining back into the packaging, the small indulgent smile back on her lips.

"And the last piece is for my Lord Zhou Yu."

Could she possibly be thinking about going home? That is ridiculous! No prey has ever ventured out of the walls of the tower. The defence of my father-in-law's sanctuary is immaculate; you have helped made sure of that.

"Excuse me Lady Xiao Qiao, I mean no disrespect but you should know your place. Do you even know where you are?" I snapped; my voice with a distinct edge of impatience at her ignorance.

She looked up, bemused by my words. "I assume my father has brought me to the Northern Territory, to Lord Cao Cao. Under that assumption, I guess I am in the formidable He Fei Castle, or more accurately, the Bronze Bird Pavilion." She blinked, looking around, continuing to speak as if I asked something inconsequential like the weather. "To be honest, this is not the first time that I have been here." She added.

How does she do it? How can she so easily accept this fate? I have spent so many years telling myself the same thing but my futile attempts crumble every time I see your face!

"Zhen…please don't give up on us."

Your lovely face slowly began to creep back into my mind again, your words haunting me nearly every second of my life. I have to distract myself before I start crying in front of this stranger. "So, you say you have been here before. When was that?" I asked, though I really wanted to say "How did you escape?"

"Hmm…let me see." She idly scratched her chin as she pondered. "A few years ago, my father took me on a trip to the capital. I live just off the boundaries of the Wei Kingdom, actually. Anyway, he took me here so to see the Lord Cao Cao."

Her carefree face darkened, her hands clenched tightly, shaking by her sides. "My father left me alone with him, and I hated it. I remember screaming and crying as he began to kiss and touch me."

Her voice quivered slightly and she shook her head impatiently. "And then, just when I thought he would have me right then and there, my father came back to finish the negotiations. He said that that was the 'appetizer' and that they had to agree on a contract before he could have me. Then they started their debate, and I was left sitting there, engrossed by my disturbing thoughts. After Father had secured a reasonable offer, we were making our way back home when the Lord Cao Cao took me aside and said that he would wait till I 'ripen' before he would come to pick me."

She gave an unladylike snort, startling me a little. "Well, I guess I am ripe now and it is harvest season."

I have to say, I don't share her sense of humour. Even now, I still cannot see the funny side of my circumstance, let alone in hers.

I cannot take it anymore.

Before I knew it, I was on my knees, both my hands on her shoulders, shaking some sense into her. "How…how can you sit so calmly and say that? How can you just accept fate, this cruel fate that we did nothing to deserve? How can you stand to be the wife of another, while watching your beloved get torn apart? How can you lay next to someone else while helplessness turns your love of the precious memories that you cannot return to into hatred?"

As I rambled on, I know that I was no longer shouting about her. I had lost to my own darkness. All my bottled despair came rushing out, like the rapid currents of the Yellow River. Too absorbed in my sudden wave of sadness, I didn't even notice the tears that were now smudging my flawless makeup. She calmly endured everything. After my outburst, my body trembling as I continued to cry, she folded me into an embrace, leaning my head against her chest. Surprisingly me with her sudden show of maturity, she simply rocked me in a soothing motion, stroking my dark locks. After a while, I felt her jaw work as she spoke.

"I'm not calm. I am frightened, frightened to death. But I believe in him, because we are meant to be, because it is the will of fate that we shall be together."

She reached into her pocket and took out a small silk handkerchief wrapped tightly around something. Carefully removing its contents, she brought it in front of me. It was a small white shell. Sure, it's not as extravagant as some of the jewels that my lord has given me, but it has its own charm.

"Do you know about the myth of the double-sided seashells?" She asked.

Well, that was random. I shook my head as she gently wiped the tears from my cheeks. God, what I would give to crawl into a dark hole at my pathetic display of dignity.

"My older sister Da told me all about it. When I used to lose faith in life, she would cheer me up with it. She says that even though there are thousands, no, millions of shells in the world, there is only one that completely fits each shell. It's perfect match. She says it's the same with people. Somewhere out there is her true love, and someone out there, is the one for me and only me."

Amusement at her naivety chocked my even breathing and I found myself laughing at her moving story. How could she honestly believe that fairytale of a story? No doubt her sister, Da, had contrived it for her little's sister's peace of mind. After a while, she joined in, our laughter peeling off the cold walls.

"I know it sounds impossible, and I thought it was impossible too, but it's true. Because my Lord Zhou Yu found my matching shell. He spent the whole night looking for it and found it with no time to spare, for I was leaving with my father. After that, we have defied all odds, and we were able to be wed, without the blessing of my Father, of course. And now, I am finally his." She clasped the shell tightly in both her hands, resting against her chest. "He gave me this one too, actually. He was dispatched to a tidy up the end of the campaign in Hu Lao Gate when he saw the ocean. He remembered that I once said that I have never seen the ocean before. He then found this shell and brought it back for me as a souvenir."

I have never heard such a story before. Could it be that fate truly wishes for these two to be together? I felt a pang of envy that quickly vanished as I remembered her circumstances. Fate too, has played a cruel trick on this couple, as it did us.

"I know!" She jumped up, the crumbs from the rice cake splattering everywhere. "Zhen, we should go down to the beach and find your shell! That way, when the one for you and only you appears, we would know!"

Of all the ridiculous things that she has said, I think this one tops them all. Having said that, I don't know how to explain why, three hours later, we were down in the sandy beach on all fours, looking for my 'precious' shell.

I know that you are the one for me; I don't need a stupid shell to tell me that. But how could I disappoint such a face?

Later that night, we sat on my bed and made silk pouches for our shells (yes, I found a particularly charming shell with a bluish tinge that reminded me of you) and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Honestly, I must be spoiling her, continuously letting her have her way! But I have to admit that I grew very fond of her. It was as if I had suddenly gained a younger sister. A very energetic younger sister who showed surprisingly mature traits every now and then. I found that I would divulge to her the secrets I have long kept hidden in my heart. I told her about you, about 'us'. She smiled widely at my story, jumping up suddenly and pulling me into a dance.

"That is such a moving story, Zhen! I know that the one for you understands your love for him completely! Now, we just have to go down to the beach for him to find your matching shell! Then not even fate can separate you two!"

I felt my smile fade. How many times have I suffered the bitter disappointment from false hope? You and I were just not possible. That is all there is to it. I cannot allow myself to be hurt by hope again.

"This has gone far enough." I pulled her back down on the bed, earning a little squeal of protest from her. Throwing my newly completed silk pouch roughly to the other side of the room, I was amazed by how eager I was to complete it. Perhaps all the years of waiting has made me open to useless sentiment. "Please kindly finish your sewing and then head to bed. I'm growing tired of your absurd fairytales."

My fingers lingered by my blue shell. I urged myself to throw it away. This silly little thing would only hurt me more in the long run. But seeing the blue ripples that resemble the groves of your armour, I felt a smile creep on my lips. She gave a small smile at my hesitation and went back to her sewing. After a while, she started to ramble on about her life in the Wu Kingdom. To be honest, I never thought highly of our rival kingdom. My lord would always criticise their ways, comparing the great Tiger of Jiang Dong to savages. I never knew that they were so down-to-earth, especially the Lord Sun Ce. Like my lord, he too was the heir to the throne. It's amazing how completely opposites they are to each other.

Something that her father said had intrigued me though. He had said that her marriage was not consummated, that she was indeed pure. How could that be so? It would seem to me that her husband, Lord Zhou Yu, adores her completely so how could she still be a virgin? My whole life, love and lust ran side by side. All my previous 'champions' displayed their affections for me very physically. It makes me wonder just what you would have done, if fate had given us the opportunity.

"Lady Xiao Qiao, do you mind if I asked you a personal question?" I began, not knowing how to put this delicate matter into words.

"Zhen, I told you to call me Xiao!" She moaned, her bottom lip sticking out to a charming pout.

Mentally, I retorted "and I told you not to call me Zhen!"

"Fine, Xiao Qiao then. Did you not have a, you know, a…wedding night with your beloved? It is just unusual for you to be married and still be…" I trailed off suggestively, unable to finish this vulgar topic aloud.

Her face bloomed into the colour of sunset immediately, her hands flying up to conceal her face; a huge grin appearing.

"Well…it was my fault actually." She giggled, her crimson cheeks visible through the gaps between her fingers. "We were escorted to his rooms by my sister, who was my maid of honour, of course. My sister had gently sat me on his bed and I remember that I was very nervous; I kept fidgeting under my red veil. I don't know how to explain it. I was so happy, but I was also scared. I kept thinking that it must be a dream. There was just no way that he would want me, and that I'd wake up, back in my room in Suiyang. Then I don't know what I would do."

I smiled. Happiness was not an emotion that I felt in my previous marriages. It felt strangely…refreshing to see a young bride gush about her wedding night.

"Anyway, after the crowd had left, the Lord Sun Ce making jokes as my sister ushered him out and carefully shutting the door, I realised that we were finally alone. Understanding what this meant, my irrational fears started to bubble inside me, and I started remembering all these terrible things: Lord Cao Cao's hands on my body as he forced his mouth on mine, Lord Dong Zhuo's perverted looks down my dress, everything. I guess that's when I started crying. I could see his hands shaking slightly as he lifted up my veil, my tears confirming his fears. That's when he took me gently into his arms, releasing my hair from the tight bun on top of my head, and stroking my locks. He kissed me deeply but gently on my lips and pulled away, before kissing the tears from my cheeks."

She gave an indulgent sigh, her delicate blush reappearing.

"Did you know that his eyes are so captivating when they are burning with love and desire? Anyway, he said that 'that' was not the reason he married me and that he married me, for me, for who I am. He said that we have but many nights ahead of us and he would wait until I was ready…"

Tears started to form in her bright eyes, her smile deepened as she recalled the love her lord showered her in; even to the extent he would forego his own desire. It was truly…touching.

She stood up, determination in her voice.

"And that is why I will not give up, I cannot give up. He has scarified so much for me, and therefore I will give him myself in return. I am my Lord Zhou Yu's, and that is how I will remain."

Her words sparked the emotions that had long died within me. Caught up in her passion, I got up too, grabbing my flute and playing your favourite song. Our memories and the love we once shared flowed back into me. I felt reborn.

How could I have given up on us?

"Me too. I shall not give up either."

But that's the drawback of faith: it hurts that much more when you fall.

The next day the Lord Cao Cao and my lord returned, and she was immediately summoned to his chambers. As the servants readied her, her determination did not falter. As she stepped into his chambers, her devotion for her beloved grew.

I stood by the door, my hand shaking as I held on to my flute. I don't even know why I was standing here. She was sold to the devil. It was her fate, the same fate that she, along with many other women shared. But I found that I could not leave her facing the demon alone.

She walked in, blinking in fear as she took in her surroundings. My Lord Cao Cao sat lazily on the bed, his robes open, exposing his bare chest.

"Come to me, my little minx." He purred, his voice sending shivers down my spine.

She stood her ground. "No."

My Lord Cao Cao raised an eyebrow and gave an amused laugh that did not reach his cold eyes. Slowly, he got off the bed and walked towards her.

"The hunt begins then. Careful now, you do not want to anger me, dear child."

She looked him directly in the eyes, drawing herself to her full height. For someone so petite, she radiated brilliance and intimidation.

"No. I am the wife of Lord Zhou Yu. You shall not touch me!"

Her declaration jumpstarted my cold heart. Would our paths have been different if someone had given us the chance? Would I be able to give her that freedom? Taking a deep breath, I readied myself to jump in, to face treason. But suddenly, I felt a strong pair of arms snake around me, pinning me against his masculine body; his lips at my ear, his voice deadly.

"Such roguish behaviour, Zhen. I expected more from you."

My heart stopped.

It was my lord.

"Now Zhen, come to me, it has been too long."

He led me away forcefully, his hands sliding into my robes as her screams and sounds of fabric tearing filled the room…

*Clunk*

The heavy chains on the cell door chattered onto the floor, the sound startling me a little. My memories of the past few weeks came rushing back: the child's screams and fruitless pleads, the cold fury in her lover's eyes as he carried her to safety, my lord lying immobilised by my hand. My mind lingered on her doll like state in my Lord's chambers. Never have I seen something so ghastly. But this was expected. My Lord Cao Cao kept a firm watch over her, summoning her every single night of her seven day confinement.

Her seven days of hell.

I suppressed a shudder. Perhaps death is the only escape for her. Perhaps death is the only escape for me.

I gave a dry laugh, taking in my surroundings; the cold iron bars a deadly reminder of my predicament. But despite all that has happened, I don't regret anything. I know that I must pay the price and that there was only one price for treason, but I know that I did the right thing. I know that were you in my shoes, you would have done the same. Your compassion would not have allowed the child to die in this tower of despair, while her lover is humiliated and disposed of by my lord. I can only hope that fate would show her some mercy, and grant her the happy ending that was denied from us.

But would you blame me for leaving this world before you? Would you miss me when I can no longer gaze at you in the mornings? Would you be proud of me, even a little, when they announce my traitorous death?

Cold footsteps echoed off the walls. My lord approaches me, his expression grave. I know what he came to do. I once feared it, but now I long for it. I once feared not being able to exist in the same time as you. But my very existence causes you pain, my heart longing to join you even though it is imprisoned deep inside the coffin that is my cold body. I know that from this suffering there is a chance that a miracle will appear, that fate might just show us mercy, but I just don't care anymore.

I want death, don't you?

"You're late, my Lord Cao Pi."

My lord raises his sword as I closed my eyes. In my mind, you walk towards me, gathering me into your arms. A euphoric smile crept onto my lips. Very fitting, how you were the first thing that I saw, and you will be the last thing on my mind. As I heard the familiar swish of my lord's sword, darkness engulfed me and I suddenly felt relieved.

It was finally over.

"Zhen."

Your voice was so anaesthetizing.

"Zhen, we're together, at last."

"And this is how we shall stay, my beloved Lord Zhang He."

The world is not beautiful, but you once said that this imperfection leads it to beauty.


To be honest, this is my favourite chapter… and hence the delay in submitting it (I wanted to get it near perfect)…but please be as harsh as you can when you review it :P I loved writing in her perspective so much, the chapter just kept getting longer and longer!

With regards to Zhen Ji and Zhang He, this was an idea that I had when I had finished writing the 2nd Chapter when Zhen mentioned that she once felt the same passion for 'her lord'. This chapter was written as if Zhen was 'talking' to Zhang He, so he is the "you" in the story. I think back then everyone would assume that it was Cao Pi she was talking about, but nooooo….it was actually Zhang He! Personally, I am not a fan of Zhen Ji/Zhang He, but I really like bitter-sweet love in that one loves someone, but is forced to marry another, and have to see the anguish of one's beloved every day (sadistic, I know -_-;") . I didn't make the connection about the potential for this couple when I first played the game but I guess they were both serving Yuan Shao at the time (according to the game, anyway) so there may be some merits to this pairing.

Anyhow, reviews would be oh-so-sweet ^_^