Disclaimer: Thank you Steph for giving us these wonderful characters to play with, I know I don't own them, but I do love them!
Please remember this story is rated M for a reason, don't read if you are under age, please.
A/N: Couple of things: This chapter may piss some people off, just remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Also, there is a semi-attempted sexual assault (its really very minor), but I promise, no one gets hurt, but if you are especially sensitive, let me know and I'll send you a quick synopsis of the chapter. You should be OK to read it up until the party scene.
Self Esteem Ch. 9: Ripped Inside
Bella:
The rest of the weekend goes by quietly and quickly. I just stay in, clean the house, do my homework, and read a book. I am able to avoid contact with the outside world on Saturday with a text to Jess, stating I am hung over like a motherfucker, and no one really bothers me on Sunday's anyway. I am successfully able to push away my thoughts about the confrontations with Jake and Lauren and every little thing about Edward, by promising my psyche I'd deal with it 'tomorrow.' So Monday morning comes around and I start to get anxious and jumpy. I don't know what today will bring. Lauren has no proof, even if her theory is true, but you never know what she will say. I have a stress stomachache, so I forego breakfast in favor of a longer shower and grab a glass of juice before I head out.
I arrive at school right at the usual time, early enough to get a good spot for my old Chevy and share small talk with people, but not early enough to seem overly eager. I make my way to my locker half expecting to be accosted at the door, but thankfully there is no one around. I sigh as I realize, no matter how much I want to 'cold turkey' my thing with Edward; I will have to see him every day in Bio. I briefly wonder what it would take to switch lab partners, but my heart lurches at the thought. I should be able to deal with him for 50 minutes a day without wanting to throw him on the table and fuck his brains out… or profess my undying love for him. I shudder at the thought and place my head against the cool metal of my locker.
After grabbing my books, I stroll down the hallway, smiling and nodding when appropriate, but not stopping to talk to anyone. So far so good. Morning classes go pretty well, I start to think maybe everything will go well today… alas, famous last words.
I walk into the cafeteria, grab my lunch and sit down at my usual table where Lauren, Tori, and Bree are already huddled together. Uh-Oh.
"Hey, guys. What's up?" I ask tentatively
"Oh, nothing much, Bella. We're just talking about Mike's party." Lauren replies with a sly smile on her face.
"Yeah? It was pretty sic, but Mike's parties always are." I take a bite of my pizza keeping my wary eyes on the trio.
"Really? You didn't seem to see much of the party. First you go off with Riley" Bree winces, and Lauren's smile widens "Then you pass out in the woods and get rescued by your Quileute friend who takes you back to his place to crash on his couch. Right? Isn't that what you said?"
Just then, Jessica sits down on the chair next to me and adds "Yeah, on his couch, right Bella." She taps me in the arm with her elbow and winks in my direction.
"YES!" I say a little too loudly, "I spent the night at Jake's. On. His. Couch." I grit out through clenched teeth.
Tori looks at me thoughtfully and says "I thought I saw your friend talking to Alice Cullen a while after you disappeared… he is the gorgeous, 6'5, guy with his hair in a low ponytail, right? But… how is that possible if he took you home?" She was obviously prompted there is no way she would have noticed anything like that between the alcohol and her tongue down James's throat.
"I wouldn't know. I was passed out on his couch. Maybe he went back after dropping me off."
"Right. He looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars, like he would leave you alone in the middle of the night when he had you, at his place, drunk , all to himself" Lauren rolls her eyes. Then I notice the other three sets of eyes looking at me inquisitively. Shit!
I stick to my story. "Maybe Tori got her timing wrong, she was pretty smashed herself. Like I already said, I was passed out drunk. I don't know what happened. Besides, it's not like that with Jake and me. We're just really close friends." I try to shrug it off.
"Hmm. I saw you walk off into the woods; you said you were taking a piss, but then later I saw the Cullen's walking in the same direction you had gone. They said they were headed home. Did you know that their house is only a few minutes' walk through the woods from the clearing? How convenient for them." The look on her face is devious now.
"Nope, I didn't know that. I may talk to Alice and Emmett sometimes at school, but we don't really hang out."
"You know who else lives there? Edward, but you already know that, don't you?"
"Um. Of course I do, you fucking idiot! He is their brother. Dumbfuck." There is a split-second flash of embarrassment on Lauren's face, but she recovers quickly. I start to get nervous and agitated. The other three girls just watch our back and forth in silence, taking everything in.
"You know that's not what I meant." She says quietly in a low, threatening voice.
I decide to bite the bullet. I know she only has suspicions, nothing concrete, so maybe if I blow her theory out of the water now, she'll drop the whole thing before it gets out of hand. I sit up higher in my chair and lean over the table towards her, challenging her with my eyes. "What exactly are you trying to say?" Tori, Bree, and Jess flash from me to her with wide eyes waiting breathlessly for whatever comes next.
"I'm just making sure you were safe and sound and where you were supposed to be. You know it's my duty as a friend and all." She says sweetly.
"Well, I was fine, as you can see. No need to worry yourself." I sit back in my chair wanting nothing more to throw my tray at her face and storm off, but that would just give weight to what she implied. Instead, I turn to Jess with a smile and say, "Hey, how're things going with Mike? I saw you two together. You guys look so cute."
"I know, right!" Jessica smiles and nods agreeing with me and she's off. She is so easy. Get her talking and it gets hard to get a word in edgewise. I am grateful for the reprieve. Lauren keeps looking my way and smiling every few minutes, but I pretend not to notice.
After lunch is Biology. Usually, I can't wait to get there. It is the only time I get to see Edward during school, and even though we can't really talk about anything serious. I get to hear his voice and see his face. Today, however, I have to be extra careful. I know Jess isn't the brightest bulb, but she is likely to be watching me with him after what happened at lunch.
He is already there by the time I get to class and I have to squish behind him to get to my seat. God he smells so good. My hands want to reach out and touch him. Anywhere, everywhere. They just want to feel his skin, his lips, his hair. But I can't do that, so I force my hands to behave. From the corner of my eye, I see him nod in my direction with a small smirk. Shit, I'm busted… be more careful, Bella! I force myself to turn away and roll my eyes. I seek Jessica out of the corner of my eye and sure enough, she is looking pointedly at us. Shit. Luckily, Mr. Banner starts class. About five minutes in, he says we are watching a documentary on… something. Great! Just what I need. To sit right next to Edward, in the dark for the next hour. God, please tell me why you are fucking with me today?
The lights go off and the movie plays while everyone settles in. Some watch intently, some only half watch. Some sleep and some blatantly ignore the film in favor of Facebook on their phones. I try to watch. I really do, but that thing- - that pull between Edward and I is there and it's strong. I am surprised no one can see the electricity flowing between us in the darkened room. It feels like there should be a blue current blazing from him to me. All of a sudden, I feel his leg wrap around mine under the table. I stiffen, worried someone may see, but only momentarily, because even this little bit of contact calms me. Besides, no one is going to see that subtle movement under the lab table in a dark room. The current is now a steady stream moving from where his leg is wrapped around mine throughout my body. It is hard to stay in my seat and not climb into his lap and kiss him.
When the bell rings, he removes his leg and I immediately feel the loss. As we clean up our books he leans a little closer and whispers, "Well, that was interesting," before throwing his back pack over a shoulder and walking across the room. He felt it too. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Well, my resolve to end things with him certainly crumbled quickly. I shake my head. I'm an idiot. I know this, but I can't decide whether it's because I want him so badly, or because I am already pledging a new resolve to stay away from him. I guess only time will tell.
I follow Jess to gym class. Have I mentioned I hate gym class? At least we're almost done with volleyball. I can't wait to learn what new torture will be force upon us next. I break one nail and hit two people with the ball in the chest… all things considered, not too bad. After changing out of the wonderful uniforms, Jess and I meet Lauren, Tori, and Bree in the hall. Tori is walking backwards animatedly telling some story about Tyler Crowly getting detention for offering sexual services to Mrs. Cope in exchange for changing his grades, when we turn the corner and Boom! She runs right into Angela Webber, and they both crash to the floor.
Lauren says, "Hey fuck-head watch where you're going!" At first I think she is talking to Tori, after all, she was the one who turned the corner walking backwards, but by her line of sight, I see she is actually addressing Angela.
"I didn't… I mean, I was… I… I will from now on." Angela sputters out while gathering her books as quickly as possible. "Sorry, it won't happen again." She can't even meet any of our eyes. At this point, everyone is laughing at poor Angela's reaction.
"I, I, I, I'm s-s-sorrrr-y-y-y. Pathetic loser. You better be sorry. You don't even deserve to breathe the same air as us." Lauren spits out as everyone else starts to laugh. To my internal horror, my wretched cackle is right there with them. I know I'm the worst one of them because Angela and I used to be good friends. Angela is now just trying to get away, but Lauren sticks her foot out and trips her sending her sprawling to the floor of the hallway again.
As we are standing their laughing, I see a mop of bronze hair stalk down the hall, help Angela up off the floor, and pick up her books. Always the gentleman, I sigh. As they walk away, I hear his velvety voice say "Just ignore them, you know they are just insecure bitches."
Lauren turns to me with a look of triumph and says, "You aren't going to let him get away with that, are you?" I only have a split second to think. I can let it be, but that would call attention to Lauren's intimations from lunch or I could lay into him and hurt his feelings, maybe even cause the end of us… my heart beats faster and I feel dizzy with that thought, but isn't that what I've been saying I need to do?
With that thought in mind, I say, "Hey, fucker, who do you think you are to say that shit to us?" He stops dead in his tracks and turns around slowly with an indecipherable look on his face, but doesn't respond. It's almost enough to make me stop… almost "You heard me. You don't get to talk about us, you fucking freak. Just go back to skulking around the hallways and living in your own little world and mind your own business." He just stands there staring at me silently, Angela has walked away, presumably to get out of the line of fire, and the girls are laughing their asses off.
"Still not gonna answer? Well I guess that's fitting… at least now you remember your place. You know you aren't good enough to talk directly to me… or any of us. Next time you think about saying anything about us, me in particular, just remember this little moment." I look around pointedly at all the afterschool stragglers watching the show down. "I will always put you in your place. Don't ever forget." He is still staring with the same look in his eyes. Finally, he just nods, ever so slightly, turns, and walks away.
Watching him walk away from me like that is almost enough to make me go after him… almost. But, I push the horrendous feelings trying to break through and turn back to the girls with a smile and a shrug. At least I know there will be no more questioning me about my involvement
Wwth him. Then I walk to my car like the queen I am with my subjects following close behind.
I drive home in silence. No radio. No phone. Just me and my big-ass mouth trying hard not to break down. I rush inside knowing I'll have the house to myself because dad is on second shift this week. As soon as my back hits the door, I lose it. The tears pour down my cheeks and sobs wrack my body. I clutch my hands to my heart. I am such a fucking coward.
Fuck! What the hell did I do! I just humiliated the best person I know to save my reputation as a bitch. I am shit. I am lower than shit. I try to rationalize that he can move on now; I can stop living a double life and things can go back to normal. I mean it's not like we were ever really together, together. It's not like this should hurt him, he always said it was purely physical, right? But so did I and I know it was more than that for me. Why am I so weak? Why can't I just be true to myself and how I feel? I hurt in ways I never thought I could hurt, but I know I have no one else to blame, but myself, so I try to suck it up.
I decide the best way to push away my thoughts is to follow my usual routine. It's Monday, so that means homework, then grocery shopping. I sit at the kitchen table staring at my Calculus book trying to grasp the information, but all I can see is the look in Edward's eyes. After half an hour, I give up and decide to go grocery shopping. I make a quick stop in the bathroom to survey the damage of my earlier outburst. What I see sickens me… I look fine. I look like I did this morning and the day before that. Shouldn't I look different? Shouldn't there be some kind of evidence of my cold, heart on my face? But there is nothing, just me. I spit at my reflection and leave the bathroom without another glance.
15 minutes later, I have my cart and have started to walk the aisles. There is something cathartic about doing this mindless, necessary task. I am in the middle of deciding between Captain Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, when I hear a familiar, tinkling voice.
"Bella." Shit!
"Hey, Alice. What's up?" She looks at me with a disturbingly familiar stare. Why do they have to share the same green eyes?
"What's up? Really?"
My eyes are now glued to the floor as I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood. Good. I hear her walk close to me and when I look up she is standing right in front of me. "Can you please tell him I'm sorry for me?" I whisper. The next thing I know I feel the sting of her hand across my face. Her whole body is shaking and she is bright red with anger.
"You're sorry? Do you know what you've done to him? He already has enough problems without being trounced on by you. I was hoping you would come to your senses. I had hoped you two could help each other, but apparently, I am a poor judge of character. You really are a cold-hearted bitch. If you want him to know how sorry you are, tell him yourself. But I'm telling you right now, if you ever, EVER, hurt him like that again, I will end you." For such a small thing, she can be extremely fierce. Her voice is low and menacing and I have no doubt that she means what she says. Good. I deserve it. But all I can do is mutter a weak apology to her.
She laughs incredulously, "I had every intention of bringing you down. I couldn't decide which of your lies to expose first or maybe I'd just call daddy the next time you're out partying… but you know what Edward said. He said 'don't, Alice, she can't handle it. I can.' Do you know what you just gave up? He is an incredible person and he deserves so much better than you." She shakes her head as she storms away forgetting her groceries in the process. All I can think is, yeah, I know.
He is sweet and caring, and wonderful. He makes me feel special. He is so smart. He can have an intelligent conversation on everything from politics to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He is honest and loyal to those who deserve it. I on the other hand am a fucking idiot! I put both boxes of cereal in the basket and leave with whatever I already have. I know I have to get out of there before I lose it.
I barely make it to the truck before the tears come. I trace my fingers along the hot skin on my cheek from Alice's slap. The sting feels good. I should hurt. I don't remember the drive home or even putting the groceries away. I don't eat dinner or do my homework. I just crawl into bed in my clothes and pray for sleep to overtake me.
But when sleep comes, it is no reprieve. My dreams are filled with bright green eyes, bronze hair, and a smile that melts your soul. They are filled with empty nights and nothingness and of cackling laughter and dropped books. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. Good. I shouldn't get to sleep peacefully.
The next day, I dread Biology. To everyone else, it would just be the same thing as every other day: two students tolerating each other for the sake of a grade, but I know it might break me. I don't know what to expect, so I walk in hesitantly. He, of course, is already there; however, instead of squeezing by him allowing me to touch his delicious body like usual, he gets up from his seat allowing me access without having to touch him. I hear some snickers from across the room. I bet his gesture of moving for me seems submissive, when in fact I know he just doesn't want me to touch him.
Apparently, we are not finished with the damn documentary, because the lights go down and the TV flickers to life. I still feel that pull and wonderful electricity, but instead of leaning into it today, he leans as far away from me as possible. When the bell rings, he grabs his stuff and walks out without even a sideways glance. My heart breaks a little further. Good. It should break.
The rest of the week goes much like that. To everyone else, nothing is different, but I feel like I am dying inside. All I want to do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that I'll change if he can just forgive me and give me another chance, but I know it's too late for that. How could he ever forgive me? He shouldn't forgive me. I can't even forgive myself.
Another Friday night comes and with it another party in the clearing. However, unlike usual, I am looking forward to it. I need to get drunk and dance and just let go. I decide to let Jess drive so I can do just that without concern for my car. I am 4 beers, 3 shots, and 2 hours of dancing in when I feel a body grinding against me. It doesn't even occur to me to look who it is until I feel hands grasp my hips and pull me even closer. I turn my head enough to see that it is James.
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be grinding against your girlfriend? I don't think Tori would like you being so close to me." I smile and hook my thumb to the now fuming Tori across the way.
"Well, I don't have a girlfriend right now. We broke up a little while ago. So I am free to be close to whomever I want." I am drunk, but not drunk enough to realize that he is definitely hitting on me or that he used correct grammar… Edward uses correct grammar.
I push back a little into his body and run my fingers through my hair. He is pretty cute in a rugged kind of way, with longish, dirty blond hair, bright blue eyes and the body of a basketball player, tall and lean, but defined. I decide to flirt a little, "You and Tori always break up, but then you get back together, making the rest of us sad and lonely." I extend my bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.
"But for now, I'm a free agent, and I think it's time for you and me to get to know each other better." He whips me around and plants his lips on mine. They aren't the right lips, the ones I constantly crave, but I'm too drunk and miserable to care, so I kiss him back. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know this isn't right, that he and Tori will be back together before morning, and I'll have one more thing to feel shitty about myself for, but I don't stop. I hope that maybe this will help heal the hurt in my heart.
When the song changes, he takes my hand and leads me to the keg to grab another beer. "To getting to know each other better" he smiles as we clink our plastic cups together. After a few more dances and several minutes of playing tonsil hockey in front of everyone, he pulls me off into the woods, not stopping until we hit a smaller clearing. He pushes me up against a tree, assaulting my mouth with his tongue and moving down my jaw line to my neck and further down to my chest. His hands are surrounding my head while his body pins me to the trunk of the ancient tree. The rough bark digs into my skin.
I begin to think; maybe this is what I need. Maybe I need to fuck him out of my system. Maybe it's time I start actually earning my reputation. I throw myself into the kiss. His hands come down to palm my breasts through my shirt. He is a little rough, but I don't really care. It's not until he lifts me up by my ass and grinds his hips into mine causing me to put my legs around his hips for support that I start to feel uncomfortable. I try to back off, but he has me totally pinned. I manage to put my feet solidly on the ground to give myself more leverage to push him away. He just ignores my futile attempts and leans down and bites my neck. Ouch! "Hey, not so rough OK. A little nibbling is one thing, but biting is a no, no." I smile trying to play it off, although now I'm getting a little nervous.
"Oh, come on. I know you like it rough. I've heard the stories." He slams my body back against the tree and grabs at my breasts painfully. I begin to panic. I can't do this. This isn't right.
I use all my strength to push him backwards a little and look up into his icy blue eyes. "I don't care what you've heard, I'm not into pain. I think we should head back now. We're done."
"We are nowhere near done." He sneers before pushing me back against the jagged bits of bark on the large tree. He starts trying to pull open the buttons on my shirt.
Trying to stay calm and appeal to his better side I say, "Hey, I said we're done. Besides, you know Tori is looking for you by now, probably wanting to 'make-up' with you. Go get her, tiger." His mouth seems to be now permanently attached to my collarbone, biting, sucking, and licking.
"She can fuck off. I'm tired of her shit. She always makes me work for it. Why bother when I know I can have you whenever I want, however I want." The look on his face is almost deadly now.
"No, James. This isn't happening tonight. We're both drunk (although I am quickly sobering up) and your long-term girlfriend is one of my best friends. You know once you sober up, you'd regret it. Let's just head back." I try.
He laughs loudly enough for it to echo throughout the little clearing, "You don't have friends, Bella, you have followers. You use people and they use you. That is what your purpose is. So shut up, and fulfill your purpose." He grabs at my shirt ripping the top three buttons off. I am momentarily stunned into submission, but I regain my thoughts as he reaches for the button on my jeans.
"Alright asshole, we're done. I'm going back to the party now before you do something you're gonna regret." He lets me push him off me and take a couple of steps away before I feel him grab my arm and swing me down on the ground. By now, I'm trembling all over. He is everywhere. He has his legs on either side of my thighs holding my arms down and sitting on my legs, so I can't even struggle very well. I buck and squirm as much as possible, and when he goes to kiss me, I bite his lip. He just smiles and wipes away the blood.
"See, I knew you liked it rough." He starts to pull his shirt out of his jeans and I start to cry.
"James, No! I said, No. Please, don't do this…" but my resolve is faltering. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is what I get for the past three years of my life. Everyone thinks I'm a whore, maybe this is all I am really good for. I start to shut down and just let it happen. I allow my thoughts to turn to Edward, his warmth, his kindness, his voice… then I hear it, his voice.
"Get the fuck off of her you pig! She said, NO!" I have never heard a more lovely sound, I think as James is shoved off my body. I crawl away and watch in horror at the scene in front of me.
Endnote: RL, a nasty summer cold, and a bout of food poisoning kicked my ass the last couple of weeks. Sorry I posted so late. I hope that it won't be too long before chapter 10!
OK, let me have it folks!
