9.
Effie missed the warmth of the bed and, above all, she missed the feeling of Haymitch's arms around her.
Her eyes remained glued to the TV screen, Peeta standing still next to the couch. From the kitchen, they could hear Haymitch's frustrated attempts at getting in touch with Plutarch or Beetee or whoever could help explaining what was happening.
The news channels clearly didn't know. They broadcasted a live feed of the Capitol, filming restlessly the area surrounding the Training Center – or what had once been the Training Center – and asked more questions than they gave answers. She wrapped her arms around her legs and propped her chin on her knees, discreetly tugging on the shirt she used as pajamas. It was long enough and Peeta had made no comment but she was feeling ill-at-ease wearing nothing but that.
She probably should have gone up and got dressed but she couldn't look away from the screen. She was transfixed by what was happening. People in distress crying in the streets, some were bleeding, some were hurt, others were simply shocked… Dust hovering in the air, covering everything and everyone…
The commentator kept saying how much it reminded him of the war.
Effie was reminded of the Games.
Countless non-related moments kept flashing in her mind. Games from when she was still a little girl – when she had still viewed them as something enjoyable – and Games from after she became an escort – when the despair had been too much to bear. She let the memories flood her mind, marveling at how easy it was to recall them when they had been completely unreachable a few days earlier. It was the only thing worth marveling about when they were concerned. Too much death in her head, too much pain… The images on TV weren't helping.
At some point, Peeta perched on the couch armrest next to her despite the numerous empty spaces available. His face was stern, his blue eyes shining with frustrated anger… When Haymitch came back to the living-room, he dropped on the couch, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and declared Plutarch would call them back when he could.
There was helplessness in the way they watched the news that morning, glued to the screen, unable to do anything but stare.
Effie wondered if that had been what District people had felt like all those years, forced to watch their children compete in the Games.
One by one, people trickled in the living-room. Katniss, first, her face grim and her fists clenched, closely followed by Johanna and Annie. Finn was still asleep but Annie took him out of the room as soon as he showed signs of stirring.
By noon, the chaos on TV hadn't diminished but Gale had arrived, all pent-up anger and hopeless rage, claiming that he had been ordered to dispatch most of their protection team back to the Capitol. Haymitch got furious at that. Effie watched, almost detached, as he started calling Plutarch without break again, nodding at Johanna's sarcastic comments about all of them being sitting ducks in Twelve.
Effie wandered upstairs at that point, unable to take any more of the desolation on TV or of the dread she could feel radiating in waves from everyone in that living-room. She took her time getting dressed in the bathroom, hoping against reason that by the time she was done, everything would be resolved – or that she would wake up in her bed and that everything that had happened since Peeta had showed up had been a dream.
Her own life felt remote to her.
The threat – as real as it was – felt distant. Everything that had happened to her before that car had hit her and she had woken up in that hospital retained ghost-like qualities. She knew the memories she had gotten back were real. She knew what Haymitch had confessed the night before was real. Yet, somehow, it didn't matter. She couldn't bring herself to care. Katniss and Peeta were real, what she felt for them was real. Haymitch was real, her feelings for him were definitely real. The kittens were real. Market day was real.
The rest…
Being the perfect poster child for the perfect poster high class Capitol family, becoming a model, being the social butterfly everyone expected her to be, becoming an escort, the fame, the suitors, the seventy-fourth Hunger Games Reaping, everything that followed – or what she remembered of it anyway – the prison, the tortures… Some of those memories were vivid, others were blurred and frayed and she was certain some of it was missing but… It still felt somehow unimportant compared to the here and now.
Perhaps the odd feeling would fade in time, perhaps she would manage to reconcile the past with her present…
You said the mere sight of me made you want to gag.
She chased Haymitch's upset grey eyes from her mind. She didn't remember saying that. She didn't remember feeling that way.
She knew her heart if anything else. She had known almost from the start that Haymitch was special to her. She highly doubted she could ever bring herself to hate him forever no matter the cause. And if it was true, if he was right… Then she didn't want to remember.
The TV was still on in the living-room so she escaped to the kitchen. Haymitch was hanging up the phone. He was still in his nightclothes, apparently not bothered by the fact he was wearing only sweatpants when the house was full of guests, he turned to her with a displeased frown.
"Plutarch said The Loyalists broadcasted a spot to claim the attack." he explained. "Beetee blocked it and he traced their location. That's why they need Gale's men, they're going after them. We just have to sit tight until it's over."
She nodded. "Katniss should stay inside."
"Yeah." he agreed. "You too. You're the two most likely targets here."
"Do you think it really makes a difference at this point?" she sighed, casting a longing glance at the back door. "I really want some fresh air."
"You're okay, sweetheart?" he asked. His voice was softer, almost tentative. He brushed his fingers against her cheek and she leaned into the caress, wishing they could just go back to bed.
"I think my memory is coming back for good." she confessed, after a few seconds of deliberation. She only had to think about someone or something and everything was coming back slowly, through flashes or a puzzling mumbo-jumbo of images she couldn't quite make sense of. "I have a headache."
"Maybe you should just go lie down." he suggested.
He was nervous and for more than one reason, she figured. Not only was he anxious about Katniss' and hers safety, he was also afraid she would remember precisely why she had wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
The idea of lying down without him or any kind of occupation was unappealing.
"I'm fine." she lied, pressing a kiss at the corner of his lips. "I won't be long."
He didn't seem pleased but he shrugged. "Jo's in the yard. Not sure what she's doing but stay where she can see you, yeah?"
She forced a smile and granted the request with another nod. His fingers coiled around her wrist before she could step away, the touch was gentle and she paused long enough to lift an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Be careful, sweetheart." he demanded.
Her smile grew more genuine, quickly morphing in a teasing grin. "Do get dressed, Haymitch. As much as I like the view, I'm not the sharing kind."
She let her eyes linger on his chest suggestively before turning on her heels and heading out. She was greeted by the loud honking of the geese – that did nothing for her throbbing head and neither did Johanna's imperative whistle.
"I am not a dog." Effie bristled, appalled by such manners.
Johanna was sitting on a rock, a rusty axe on her knees and a flat stone in her hand. She kept dragging the stone on the edge of the blade so it must have been a sharpening tool. As to where she had found the axe, it was anyone's guess. Effie supposed Haymitch might have kept one in the shed with the rest of the logs for the fireplace.
"What are you doing outside?" Johanna barked. "If you're so desperate to get killed, don't wait for the next fucking car. Ask me, I've been dreaming of strangling you for years."
She flashed Effie a dangerous smirk that was probably meant to frighten her, the former escort barely restrained from rolling her eyes – which would have been rude – and wandered closer, hopping on the fence enclosing the geese pen and praying that it wouldn't crumble under her weight. The wooden planks held and she spared a glance for the monstrous birds that looked disappointed she hadn't fallen in their midst. She had no doubt they would have tried to eat her alive. Perhaps she should remind Haymitch to feed them, he had left something for the kittens but she didn't think he had taken care of his geese.
"I held you for a whole night when we were in those cells, didn't I?" Effie mused out loud when the memory came back out of nowhere.
"I was pretty out of it to let you." Johanna snorted, going back to sharpening the axe. It was her favorite weapon, Effie recalled, she could carry one in each hand and throw them like others tossed knives. She was lethal in a fight.
They were silent for several minutes. Johanna worked on her axe and Effie was trying to sort the mess in her head. The headache was slowly receding and it was a relief because she didn't think they had any painkillers left and a trip to town was obviously out of the question. Now that most of Gale's men had left, she wasn't even sure the whole village was still secure, perhaps they were just focusing on Haymitch's house…
"Don't get involved with Haymitch." Johanna snapped out of nowhere.
Effie frowned and looked down at her but the victor's eyes remained riveted on her weapon.
"My apologies…" she ventured "But…"
"He left you to rot in prison. Twice." Johanna sneered. "You hate him. That's what you told me last time I saw you." The victor stood up and waved the axe in the air while she talked, creating a deadly arc around her. "Look, Trinket, he's my friend and you fucked him up bad last time you left him. You were pretty fucked up too. Don't start the same mess. Stay clear of him."
She watched as Johanna's movement became more and more confident, her body clearly falling back into familiar patterns. You could never take the fight out of a victor – Haymitch had told her that once, or at least she thought he had.
"He didn't leave me." she argued. "It wasn't his fault."
"Yeah?" Johanna's cackle was cruel and carried no amusement whatsoever but Effie didn't think it was ill-intended. If anything, she thought Johanna was trying to look out for her, in her own way. The younger woman stopped waving her axe around to face her. Her brown eyes would never quite settle, they kept darting around, looking for an eventual threat. "You weren't singing the same tune back then, Trinket."
Something was gnawing at her heart, something treacherous and ugly that wondered if Johanna didn't have a point.
"It was still… raw." she whispered. Her head was throbbing and she pressed her hands over her eyes in hope it would diminish the pressure building behind them. Nonsensical images flashed in her mind : an hospital room, Haymitch looking downright devastated, a door slamming shut… The feelings of misery and anguish were so strong she felt as if she couldn't breathe properly. She gasped for air, opening her eyelids again to see Johanna in the same place as before, watching her with a calculating gaze. She swallowed back the urge to throw up. "Why do you even care? We aren't friends."
At least, she didn't think they were. All her memories of the younger woman included bickering when not outright fighting.
Johanna turned her back to her, tossing the axe in the air and catching it before it hit the ground in what seemed to be a mechanical move. Effie couldn't conceive a world in which children grew up playing with weapons as if they were toys yet she had no doubt Johanna had been handling an axe ever since she was big enough to hold one. The Capitol and the Districts were two very different places.
She would have loved to think that Johanna turning her back to her was a demonstration of trust but she remembered enough to know it was more likely that she wasn't enough of a threat to worry the victor.
"I never got what Haymitch saw in you until we were in that place." Johanna said and, perhaps, Effie realized that was why she had felt the need to turn her back. Honesty and feelings, just like it was the case for Haymitch, wasn't the victor's thing. "He kept telling us you were decent. A bitch, yeah, but a decent one. I hated the way he looked at you, looks at you. No victor should feel like that way for a Capitol, never mind an escort. It's gross and it's wrong."
Effie's gaze followed the flying axe, at a loss for words.
Johanna didn't seem disturbed by her silence. She went on, the loathing and the contained anger very perceptible in her voice. "You shielded the boy. Every time you could take it for him, you did."
"Protect Peeta." Effie murmured. That thought was always so clear when she was having a nightmare.
"We're not friends." Johanna snarled. "But we were in that shit together. I saved you from bleeding out enough times in those cells, Trinket. God fucking knows why since you jump in front of cars now…"
"You cried." Effie cut in. The memory was clear in her mind : Johanna's ugly sobs and Effie's desperate attempts to comfort her, promising her Haymitch would do something, promising her a lot of things she hadn't even truly believed in… Annie had mostly been left alone to rock in the corner of her cell, Johanna and Peeta had suffered the worst of it. As for Effie… They used to lash out on Effie when they had been frustrated with the two victors or when pain had done nothing to them anymore. It hadn't mattered that she hadn't known anything, they had thought Johanna and Peeta did and they had thought they would talk if they hurt her.
"Shut up, I never cry." Johanna retorted, glancing at her over her shoulder. "And don't you start now."
Effie pursed her lips and blinked quickly, a few tears escaped her eyes but she managed to remain in control. She felt it all, though. The fear, the pain, the outright terror of dying there all alone… It had been worse after the victors had been rescued. No one had talked to her, no one had acknowledged her… She had been invisible. Effie Trinket was never meant to be invisible.
"Anyway." the victor shrugged. "Don't go and do something that will fuck both of you up again. If you're sure, okay. If you aren't, stay away."
She swung the axe on her back and walked back inside without leaving room for Effie to argue. She remained perched on top the fence for several minutes longer, trying to sort out her own feelings. She remembered now… How angry she had felt after she had been rescued… How bleak everything had looked then…
"Effie?" Peeta called from the back door. He smiled tentatively when she looked up. "Haymitch says you should come back inside."
She nodded and did as she was bidden.
In the short time that she had been out, the mood had changed in the living-room. The TV was now displaying cartoons for Finn's benefits – not that the boy was watching, too busy waving a thread at Silk and Hope who would jump and attack without pause or fail. A bit like the people around her.
They all looked calm but it didn't fool Effie. She could guess at the tension underneath. Johanna wasn't the only one who had felt it necessary to get armed. Gale momentarily disappeared and came back with Katniss' bow and guns for Haymitch and Peeta. Annie accepted the knife Johanna forced in her hands even if she simply wedged it between her back and her belt. Effie tried to shake her head no when Haymitch presented her with one but he didn't give her any choice in the matter.
Then the waiting started anew. An old radio was playing quietly in the background, recounting what was happening in the Capitol, low enough that Finn wouldn't hear it over the cartoons. Gale paced back and forth most of the day; Haymitch sometimes got up to pour himself a glass but Effie knew he was trying to remain as sober as his fray nerves would allow him; Katniss and Peeta sat huddled close together, fingers entwined; Johanna alternated between sitting and standing, sometimes humoring Finn by accepting his requests that she played with him; Annie fussed over her son and otherwise sat silent, her eyes lost in the distance. As for Effie, she was tired and wished it would end soon.
Still, the phone didn't ring.
They ate in the living-room despite Effie's half-hearted attempts to suggest they moved to the kitchen. Finn gushed over the improvised picnic, feeding most of his meat to the kittens who suddenly were more interested in being petted if that meant getting their share of his meal. Night fell and they all started to drift off one by one.
Finn fell asleep on the rug in front of the fireplace, surrounded by three of the kittens. Katniss' head had dropped on Peeta's shoulder, it wasn't long before he rested his cheek against it and closed his own eyes. Annie was half propped against the armrest, very much asleep. Gale was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall.
Effie didn't think he was really asleep. His eyes opened and immediately closed again when she stood up from her armchair to wander to Haymitch's. The victor looked up at her with tired eyes but didn't seem particularly surprised when she sat on his lap and curled up against his chest.
"The chair's too small for that." he grumbled, low enough that no one would wake up.
From her self-imposed guard duty at the window, Johanna snorted.
Effie didn't mind. She wriggled until she was both comfortable and sure she wouldn't fall. His arms wrapped around her and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I've been thinking." she whispered.
"Did you hurt yourself?" he taunted.
She whacked his arm, annoyed, and he chuckled.
"For the record, you're not half as funny as you think you are." she declared.
"I'm hilarious, sweetheart." he countered with a smirk. She pursed her lips in irritation and they were silent for a moment, listening to Peeta's light snoring. Haymitch's thumb started drawing circles on her arm at some point but it took minutes for him to speak again. "Thinking about what?"
The question was abrupt and almost defensive.
"About what you told me last night." she offered. "About what I remember."
For once, Johanna was decent and didn't venture a comment or even glance at them but Effie practically saw her ears perking up.
"You want to go into that now?" he muttered.
"There is nothing to go into." she retorted, snuggling deeper against him and closing her own eyes.
Don't go and do something that will fuck both of you up again. If you're sure, okay. If you aren't, stay away, Johanna had said. Well…
"I forgive you." she declared. She heard his sharp intake of breath, almost incredulous. "And to be honest, I am very sure I never hated you."
"You said…" he started to argue but she placed her fingers on his lips.
"From what I remember I was hurting and I wanted an outlet. Any outlet. I wanted someone to blame." she confessed. "I'm the one who should apologize, really."
"Like hell." he snorted. "I…"
"Please, don't say you fucked up." She wrinkled her nose in protest. "Not only is it appalling language but I am tired of hearing it. We both made our shares of mistakes over the years from what I remember."
And she was remembering an awful lot now.
"Effie." he insisted but she shook her head.
"No more on the subject." she pleaded. "I am here now if you will have me, isn't that enough?"
He remained silent for a few seconds and then, he pressed a brutal kiss on the top of her head. "It's… everything."
"Should I find a fucking violin to serenade you?" Johanna mocked, glaring at them. "I swear if you start snogging I'm going to throw up."
"Envy makes you green, Johanna." Effie shot back.
Their bickering kept her awake a little longer but, in the end, it was a lost battle and she fell asleep right where she was, against Haymitch, despite her intentions to move to a couch at some point.
The nightmare was vivid that night, fed by the atrocious images she had seen on the TV screen, she woke up screaming, her dress plastered to her body by cold sweat and her hair in total disarray. Her scream of anguish was followed by an echoing one. She and Katniss stared at each other, panting for air, the same crazy spark in their eyes.
It was still dark except for the soft glow of the lamp Haymitch had turned on when night had started to fall, mindful of her insecurities. Peeta instinctively wrapped his arms around Katniss, pulling her back into him and mumbling sleepy reassurance in her ear. Slowly the girl relaxed, her eyelids fluttering close once more.
No arms wrapped around Effie. No voice told her she was safe.
She was alone on the armchair.
Annie and her son were still asleep. Gale seemed to be dead to the world, his mouth was open and each inspiration gave way to a snore.
Her blue eyes darted to the window but Johanna was missing too.
The fire had died down to mere glowing embers. She bolted to her feet, cold and scared, listening for a noise – any noise that could tell her what was going on. Her frightened mind was already conjecturing scenarios in which they had been attacked during their sleep and Haymitch and Johanna…
She wandered in the corridor and finally heard the low exchange of voices coming from the kitchen. She pushed the door open without thinking twice about it.
Haymitch and Johanna were sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a bottle of something translucent. Johanna's eyes trailed on her and she wordlessly handed her glass. Still shaking from the nightmare and far from being concerned with her usual rule when it came to drink from other people's glasses , Effie downed it. It left a burning feeling all the way down her throat.
She made a face.
"Vodka." Haymitch answered the unspoken question. As if recognizing its name, the white kitten on his lap mewled. "You're okay, sweetheart?"
"Bad dream." she explained, waving the question away. "I woke up and you were gone."
He flinched at the implicit reproach.
"We're celebrating." Johanna declared, pushing another chair with her foot so Effie could sit down. "Heavensbee called. They got the assholes."
Effie sat down, surprised by the relief that came over her. She hadn't known she had been so worried until the weight left her shoulders. "All of them?"
"All seven of them." Haymitch nodded. "We're out of the woods."
Are they out of the woods though... ;) Let know what you think!
