Hi guys! Thank you again a million times for your lovely reviews - it makes me feel so much better about the world! I hope you enjoy chapter nine!
-o-o-
He's not sure if having Erin back at work makes things better or worse.
On the one hand, it's a huge relief. It means he can keep an eye on her during the day, which means he can actually concentrate on his job.
It also means that, in a small way, things are back to normal. The cast has come off her arm, and the bruises have faded. Her ribs are no longer painful, and the headaches seem less severe, although just by watching her, he knows they're still very much present.
They're moving on. Moving forward. And Erin seems so thrilled and eager to be back at the office that he almost lets himself relax, and just be happy.
Except things are not back to normal, as hard as Erin pretends. She's doing her best, but she can't hide from him.
He doesn't think she's sleeping at all. Every time he's woken up in the middle of the night, pretty much since she came home from the hospital, he's been alone in the bed. She's barely eating, despite his best efforts, and she's so thin it's starting to scare him.
And worst of all, she's so all over the place that he isn't ever sure what to do, or how to treat her. Every evening when he walks in the door, he has to take a minute to assess her emotional state, to try and determine whether it's okay to kiss her, to be normal.
Sometimes she clings to him, snuggling up in his arms. Sometimes she's loving and affectionate and sweet. She'll kiss him and run her hands through his hair, and things almost feel normal. Almost.
And other days - or sometimes just a few minutes later - she recoils from his touch, flinching when he gets too close. Some days he tries to kiss her and her eyes go wide with panic and she backs herself into the nearest corner, as far away as she can get.
Sometimes her face goes blank, and he has no idea what she's remembering, what she's reliving.
He had hoped that talking to her about Afghanistan might help, might make her feel safe opening up to him. But it hasn't, and as the days and weeks have passed, he's become more and more convinced that the story Erin told about what happened in that basement, the official version chronicled in her statement, simply cannot be the truth.
He's tried to rationalize it. Tried to tell himself that maybe the incident opened up old childhood wounds, and now she's just trying to regain her equilibrium. He's told himself that with everything she's been through, with everything that she and Voight have told him, she can't be expected to deal with things in a way that he thinks of as normal.
But the more carefully he watches her, the more he realizes that there's more to it. That something terrible happened that day, something he hasn't allowed himself to think about.
He just can't.
And as much as he wants Erin to talk to him about it, he's terrified of the moment when she can no longer keep it hidden.
-o-o-
The team is happy to have her back, but he can see they're all cautious. She flinches when Ruzek steps up to give her a hug, and the rest of them exchange worried glances.
"Sorry," she says, blowing it off and backing away. "I'm used to sitting alone in my apartment staring at the wall." The joke falls flat, and he can see her panicking inside - he knows she believes that the whole team thinks everything is normal. He's not sure what it will do to her to know that's not true.
"It's good to have you back, Lindsay," Antonio says, wisely refraining from touching her.
"It's good to be back," she says. She backs right into her desk, and startles. "Sorry," she says, to no one. "Sorry."
She looks so uncomfortable and skittish that it's painful to watch her. Jay forces himself to focus on getting situated at his desk, though he aches to pull her into his arms and get her out of here.
"Burgess is going to get you caught up on all our open cases," Voight says from the doorway of his office. "You're on desk duty until Rhodes clears you and you pass your gun requalification."
Erin nods rapidly. "I have an appointment with him Friday."
Jay tries not to let this upset him.
Kim approaches with an armful of folders. "Let's go to the break room and go over these," she suggests.
Erin gives a half-hearted little wave to the team, like she doesn't know what to do, and follows Kim out of the bullpen.
The rest of the guys stand there, a little stunned.
"Let's get back to work," Voight says roughly. "Halstead, my office."
-o-o-
"She can't go back on active duty," Jay says, as soon as he's closed the door to Voight's office behind him. He knows he's being overprotective, knows she'd kill him for this, but she's his girlfriend. His partner. His everything. It's his job to protect her.
Voight looks like he agrees. But - "If the doc clears her and she passes the gun certification, there's not much I can do."
"You can tell her she has to talk to someone," Jay protests. "Tell her that that's a condition of her coming back to active duty."
Voight shakes his head ruefully. "It's not gonna work."
"Why not?" Jay says. "You're her boss. Tell her it's a condition of her return, she'll do it."
He's not so sure. But he thinks it's certainly worth a try.
"She's gonna see it as unfair," his boss points out. "You didn't have to see a therapist after you were kidnapped."
"That is-" Jay starts, but then stops himself. "Okay. Fine. What do you think we should do?"
"I think we give her some time," Voight says. "Let her adjust to being back, let her get her life back to normal. Maybe what she needs is to just not be sitting at home alone watching bad TV."
He wants to agree. He really, really does. And maybe being back at work will really help Erin.
But he can't help thinking that diving back into work before she's resolved whatever's going on with her is just going to make it explode later on.
He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. Hard.
"I'm just - recording my objection," he says. As if that makes a difference.
"Noted," Voight says with a wry smile. "I'm keeping on eye on her."
Jay knows that. But it doesn't make him feel a whole lot better.
-o-o-
The team gets called out to a gang shooting by the lake - one of their former CIs. Erin watches a little enviously as they all head out, but she doesn't say a word.
When they get back, hours later, she's already got the board set up, and copies of the CI's file on everyone's desk. As she presents the background information to the team, gathered around her desk, Jay can't help but let out a breath - she looks so much like the old Erin that it makes his chest hurt.
Maybe this will be good for her, he thinks, as everyone disperses to carry out their assignments. Maybe it really was the isolation and the pain that made her so withdrawn and brittle.
He heads over to her, unable to keep from smiling at the sight of her sitting there, coffee mug in hand, folders spread across the surface.
"How's it going?" he asks, perching on the edge of her desk.
"Good," she says, smiling. "It's good to not be on the couch."
"I bet," he says, studying her face. The dark circles under her eyes are the size of baseballs, and her cheeks are so thin they seem almost hollow, but she looks happier. Calmer, maybe.
She reaches over and subtly squeezes his hand. "I'm good," she says quietly. "I promise."
He nods, looking down at the mess of paperwork on her desk. One folder catches his eye, and makes his heart sink.
"You're looking into Maddie's case," he says neutrally.
She lets go of his hand and puts the folder away. "Yeah," she says. "Since you haven't really gotten anywhere, I thought maybe it could use a fresh pair of eyes."
Jay swallows the wave of nausea that he feels, swallows the anxiety, the surge of disappointment. He swallows the urge to remind her that Maddie's case is her case too.
"Yeah," he says instead, pasting on a smile. Just like she does. "Let me know if you want to talk it through."
He walks back to his desk before she can say anything else.
-o-o-
"Hey," Antonio says, cornering him in the breakroom that afternoon. "Ruzek was wondering - well, we were going to see if you guys wanted to go to Molly's. Celebrate Erin coming back. But I wasn't sure if-"
Jay sighs. He has no idea. Lately, he feels like he doesn't know Erin at all - like he can't predict her moods, her emotions, her likes and dislikes. He doesn't know if Erin will want to go to Molly's with the team. Doesn't know if she'll feel compelled to say yes just to put up the facade of normalcy. He doesn't know if hanging out with their friends in a social setting will make things better or worse.
He tries to come up with a response, but he can't help deflating. "I-"
Antonio glances behind him, making sure no one is coming. "You want me to try and talk to her?" he asks quietly. "Maybe - someone she's not as close to?"
Jay shakes his head. "I mean, you could try. But I've tried...and Voight, and Burgess, and Maddie's foster mother said she'd tried too. I just...she seems to think that if she just pretends everything's normal, then it is, but I can't…"
"Okay," Antonio says. "Let's just - let's just play along for now. Let's just be normal. I'll tell her we're all going to Molly's. See what happens."
Jay's tired of playing along. He's not sure Erin can handle a night of pretending with the team. Not sure he can handle watching her.
But he sighs and shrugs and goes with it. Just like he always does.
-o-o-
Watching her at Molly's is agonizing. He knew he should have told Antonio no.
She's practically dancing around the crowded bar, greeting everyone with a terrifyingly huge smile, laughing too much and too loud, flinching whenever anyone gets too close.
She's drinking harder than he's ever seen her before, knocking back shots and chugging beers. And all he can do is sit at a table in the corner watching her.
At one point, Severide buys her a shot and gives her a hug. He watches her flinch and pull away, nearly tripping over her feet in her rush to put some distance between them.
"How's she doing?" Severide asks, coming to sit beside him.
Jay can't take his eyes away from her. She's pressed against the back wall of the bar, literally hiding from the crowd. He watches her take a few deep breaths, then knock back a shot, hands shaking. For a moment, he thinks she might start crying or screaming. He thinks she might run away.
He certainly wants to.
Instead, she looks around, spots Stella, and runs up to her, laughing and hyper and drunk.
"About like that," he says to Severide, taking a sip of his beer.
She hasn't been this drunk since the whole thing happened, he realizes. Hasn't been drinking at all, actually. But it's as if she felt she had to do this - go out with their friends, be normal - and the only way she could get herself through it was to get absolutely plastered.
"How are you doing?" Severide asks sympathetically.
"I don't know what to do for her," Jay says. "I just don't know how to help her."
Erin, standing by the bar, accidentally backs into another patron - a big, hulking guy in a leather jacket. She immediately moves the other way, bumping into someone else.
She's trapped in a crowd, and the panic on her face is twisting Jay's guts.
"I've gotta - I've gotta get her out of here," Jay says, unable to sit there any longer.
He hands Severide his half-full beer and goes to rescue his girlfriend.
Even if that's not what she wants.
-o-o-
She lets him bundle her into the car, lets him carry her into the elevator and into bed. And a few hours later, she lets him hold her hair back while she vomits what feels like gallons of Scotch into the toilet.
"I'm sorry," she sobs, collapsing back against the bathroom wall. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Jay, I'm so sorry."
"Shhh," he whispers, filling a glass with water and handing it to her. Her hands are shaking too badly to take it from him, so he holds it to her lips and helps her. "Just drink this, okay? Small sips."
She chokes on the water. "I'm sorry," she says again, shoving the tears out of her face with the back of her hands, like a little kid. "I'm sorry."
"Shhh, don't," he says, smoothing her sweaty hair away from her face.
He can't help feeling a little bit angry. He's tried and he's tried and he's tried, and she's responded to his efforts by pushing him away and lying to him.
But when it comes down to it, he loves her. He loves her and he'll do anything for her.
So he sits beside her on the bathroom floor, rubbing her back and promising her that it will be okay.
-o-o-
They go to the gun range every morning, on their way to the district. Jay barely manages to get any practice in himself. All he can do is watch Erin - focused, determined, squeezing off round after round after round. She seems to find it soothing, but it's yet another thing he finds unsettling.
Her wrist is weak, and still hurting, but she grits her teeth and shoots. And shoots. And shoots, until it's time to go to work.
It only takes her four days to requalify.
She's beaming as they drive from the gun range to the district - she's finally back in the driver's seat.
He should be happy for her. He should be delighted that his girlfriend, his partner, is finally able to get back to her job, her life. He should be happy that she'll be back out there beside him. But the grin on her face does nothing to calm the sick feeling in his stomach.
-o-o-
When she pulls up in front of their apartment building that night, she doesn't get out of the car. He watches her warily, wondering if she's okay, wondering if she's mad at him - he hadn't been outwardly thrilled about her passing the gun qualification, and he knows she noticed.
Wondering anything.
He just wishes she'd tell him anything. Literally anything.
"Do you want to go out for dinner?" she asks hesitantly.
He turns to look at her, surprised. She looks so nervous, like she's asking him out for the first time. Like they haven't already been together for years.
He raises his eyebrow flirtatiously. She's trying, so he can too. "Are you asking me on a date, Detective?"
A slow, flirty smile spreads across her face - it's an expression he rarely sees these days. "Do I need to ask?" she smirks.
He leans forward slowly, and she leans in. He presses his lips to hers.
"You never need to ask," he whispers.
When she pulls away, she's grinning. And for the first time since it happened, her smile looks real.
"How about the Purple Pig?" she suggests, restarting the engine.
"Only if you're buying," he jokes.
"Oh, you wish," she laughs.
He leans back against the headrest, watching her drive. Wishing, in fact, that the world could just stay like this.
-o-o-
Dinner feels a little bit like a dream. It's a glimpse of the Erin he loves, the Erin he remembers. She tells him a funny story about something Maddie had done when they went to the park the day before. She teases him about the goatee he's been growing. She steals bites from his plate - in fact, she eats what could almost be considered a full meal.
It makes him happy and it makes him ache. He misses her so much.
So maybe this is all she needs, he thinks. Maybe she just needs to go back to work, needs to feel useful, needs to focus on something besides what she went through.
It's just - he can't quite get himself to believe that. He can't help feeling that this is temporary. That until she deals with what happened, she'll just be burying it.
And he'll just be waiting for it to explode.
"Hey," she laughs. "Where'd you go?"
He zones back in, angry at himself for not being able to live in the moment. Especially now. "Sorry," he says, grinning at her. He reaches across the table for her hand, brings it to his lips. "You're beautiful."
She looks away and blushes.
And then turns serious.
"Look, I know that you're - worried," she says hesitantly. "I know that I haven't really been acting normal this last month, and I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize," he says.
"No, I just - I want you to know that I'm okay," she says. "I am. I promise you. You don't need to worry about me coming back to work."
"I always worry about you," he reminds her.
She sighs, conceding that. "Yeah. But I'm okay," she says again, and he wonders if she's saying it to convince herself.
He's hesitant to bring anything else up. The last thing he wants to do is to ruin their night, but - "I'm really happy you're back at work," he says cautiously. "I am - you have to know that. I'm so happy to have my partner back. But I'm just - I worry that there's something you're not dealing with. And I just - I don't want you to get hurt."
She squeezes his hand. "I won't," she says, avoiding his eyes. "What happened was scary - and I think it brought up - issues I wasn't expecting."
"Like what?" he presses. He can't help expecting her to either scream at him or shut down at any moment, but he keeps going.
"Like...just...being hurt...like that," she says, and he can tell she's choosing her words carefully. "It's been a long time since someone hit me, I guess, and so...that was hard."
He hadn't been expecting that.
He knows that Erin's childhood had been lonely and scary and chaotic, but he forgets sometimes that all those things mean it was also violent.
"See, I didn't want to - I don't want you to have to think about this shit," she says, when he can't manage to form words. Mute, he manages to nod. "But, um - I'm okay, Jay. I am, I promise. I think going back to work is going to be good for me, and I know that I have you watching my back, so…"
He nods rapidly. "Yeah," he says. "Always."
-o-o-
He wants to believe her. He really, really does. He wants it more than anything.
And so he decides to. He decides to listen to her, to believe that maybe being back at work will be good for her, will be all she needs. That maybe being hit in that basement is the only issue. That maybe she really has dealt with it.
But it doesn't ease the fear in his stomach.
-o-o-
