Scene I

[Jack's bedroom. Jack and Janet are cuddling. Someone knocks at the front door. They look at each other.]

JANET: (whispering) Who could that be?

JACK: (whispering back) I don't know. It's late.

JANET: Maybe if we ignore it, they'll go away. [Knocking again.]

JACK: Eventually. [He sighs and starts to get out of bed.]

MAN: (offscreen) Hold on a minute. [Jack and Janet look at each other.]

JACK: (still whispering) Janet, who is that?

JANET: (also still whispering) I told you I thought I heard voices earlier.

WOMAN: (also offscreen) Oh, I'm so upset!

JANET: That's Mrs. Roper!

JACK: I thought she was asleep in your room.

JANET: She was when I came in here.

MAN: What happened, Mrs. Roper?

MRS. R: Oh, Ted, my marriage is built on lies!

JACK: Who's Ted?

JANET: I don't know, but he seems to be a friend of Mrs. Roper's.

MR. R: (offscreen) Helen, let me explain!

MR. F: (also offscreen) Yeah, I didn't even know your husband was in my bed. [Jack and Janet look at each other again.]

MR. R: We were just—Wait a minute, what are you doing up here with this young guy?

MRS. R: He's a friend of Chrissy's.

MR. F: But Chrissy's in Fresno.

BOTH ROPERS: What?

TED: No, she's in her room.

THE ROPERS AND MR. FURLEY: What?

TED: Yeah, she's sleeping in Janet's bed because Cindy was in her bed.

MRS. R: I was sleeping in Chrissy's bed. Who's Cindy?

MR. R: Chrissy's cousin.

MRS. R: What?

MR. R: Jack and Janet told me. She's visiting.

MR. F: No, she's staying here while Chrissy's in Fresno.

TED: I told you, Chrissy's here, in her room.

MR. R: Helen, you go look.

MRS. R: Why me?

MR. R: You're the woman.

MRS. R: I didn't think you noticed.

JANET: Jack, whoever's in my bed, they're going to find out it isn't me.

JACK: (nodding) Yeah, and then they're gonna find out who's in this bed. [Cut to the girls' room. Someone is in Janet's bed, covered up. The door opens slowly. Mrs. Roper peeks in, the three men standing behind her.]

MRS. R: Janet? Chrissy? Cindy? [She pulls the blanket off the person's face. She screams.] Oh my God, Chrissy's dead!

TED: No, she just has earplugs. See, I think she's breathing. The way her chest rises and falls. Um, excuse me. [He disappears.]

MRS. R: (gently touching Chrissy's arm) Sweetie, wake up. [Chrissy turns, wakes up, and sees Mrs. Roper.]

CHRISSY: Mrs. Roper! Oh no, I've gone deaf!

MRS. R: No, you're wearing earplugs.

CHRISSY: I'm sorry, Mrs. Roper. I can't hear you. I've gone deaf. [Mrs. Roper mimes removing the earplugs. Chrissy looks confused.] Is this charades? Sounds like? You know, it's a good thing I didn't go blind. This would be really hard to play. [She snort-laughs. Mrs. Roper hits her own forehead.] Smack! Hit!

MRS. R: (shaking her head) My husband is gay and I'm playing charades with an idiot.

TED: (back in the doorway) Chrissy is not an idiot!

MR. R: And I'm not gay!

MRS. R: And Janet's not here.

MR. F: Let's ask Jack what's going on.

MRS. R: Uh, I don't think that's a good idea.

MR. F: Why not?

TED: Well, Jack's got a girl in there.

MR. R & MR. F: What?

CHRISSY: (still trying to hear) What?

MRS. R: (nervously) No, I don't think that was a girl.

TED: Well, it sounded like it.

MRS. R: Ted doesn't know Jack's gay.

TED: Are all the men in this building gay?

MR. R: I'm not gay!

MR. F: And neither am I. But Jack is. Or he's supposed to be.

TED: Oh, right, Chrissy told me about having to pret—Uh, I mean, right. I just forgot. Jack is gay.

MR. R: If Jack's got a girl in there, I'm throwing him out!

MR. F: Wait a doggone minute! I'm the landlord now. I'll throw him out.

MRS. R: Why don't you wait till morning? Jack and his friend deserve some privacy.

MR. R: Not in my building. Sorry, your building.

MR. F: Thanks. We'll throw them out together.

CHRISSY: I wish I knew what all the shouting's about. [Cut back to Jack's room. Jack is pretending to be asleep. Janet is nowhere in sight. Pause. Then someone pounds on the bedroom door.]

JACK: (sleepily) Is someone there?

MR. F: Open up, it's R.F.!

JACK: Mr. Furley, I'm not decent!

MR. R: That's the problem. Now open up!

JACK: (acting surprised) Mr. Roper? Are you there, too?

MRS. R: (as the two landlords burst in) Jack, I'm really sorry about this.

JACK: I don't blame you, Mrs. Roper.

MR. R: OK, where is she?

MR. F: Or he?

JACK: Who?

CHRISSY: (coming in) What?

JACK: Chrissy! Great to see you! But what about your sick mom?

CHRISSY: What?

TED: She got better. And she's wearing earplugs.

JACK: Chrissy's mom got better by wearing earplugs?

TED: No, she—Hold on. [He gently touches one of Chrissy's ears. Chrissy gasps and nods. Then she removes the earplugs.]

CHRISSY: Thanks, Ted! You cured me!

MR. F: So where is she?

JACK: Chrissy's mom? In Fresno I guess.

MR. F: Don't play innocent, Jack. We know you had someone in here earlier.

MRS. R: I'm sorry, Jack, I couldn't sleep.

JACK: But Chrissy had earplugs. But what about Ted?

TED: Hey, it's none of my business.

MR. R: Well, it's my business. Or Furley's at least.

MR. F: Yeah, Jack, isn't it time you came out of the closet?

JACK: (glancing nervously at the closet) The closet?

MR. F: Yeah, admit you had a girl in here earlier.

JACK: (queenily) A girl? Don't be silly, Mr. Furley. What would I be doing with a girl?

MRS. R: Look who he's asking.

MR. R: For the last time, Helen, nothing happened downstairs.

MRS. R: Oh, like when we lived there.

CHRISSY: (to Ted) Did I miss something?

TED: Mrs. Roper caught her husband in bed with the other guy.

CHRISSY: Oh, but that doesn't mean anything. Like the time Jack slept with Janet's sister.

EVERYONE BUT JACK AND CHRISSY: What?

CHRISSY: They were in bed together, but they weren't in bed together.

MR. R: Exactly! That's what happened to me!

TED: You were in bed with Jack?

MR. R: Nothing happened then either.

CHRISSY: Right. So even if Jack had a girl in here, it doesn't mean he had a girl in here.

MRS. R: Uh, right.

JANET: (stepping out of Jack's closet, wearing a long shirt of Jack's) Actually it does. [Jack looks nervous. Everyone else looks shocked. Cut to commercial.]

Scene II

[Where we left off.]

MR. F: (his eyes bugging) You and you?

MR. R: Janet is the girl you had in here?

MRS. R: Finally! [Chrissy bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]

J & J: Chrissy!

TED: Let me talk to her. I'm an old friend.

JANET: That's sweet of you, but I think I should. [She leaves the room.]

JACK: I'll go with you. [He starts to get up, then thinks better of it.] Uh, could you all turn around?

MR. F: You're not going anywhere.

MR. R: Not till you tell us what you were doing with Janet.

MRS. R: (eagerly) And don't leave anything out!

MR. R: (waving his hands) I don't want the details! I just want to know, were you fooling around with Janet?

JACK: Actually, I was pretty serious about it.

MR. R: None of your jokes this time.

JACK: I'm not joking.

MR. R: Then you're not gay?

MR. F: Thank God! [The others look at him.] My good example finally worked!

Scene III

[The kitchen. Janet and Chrissy are sitting at the table, Chrissy crying.]

CHRISSY: You were supposed to be my best friends!

JANET: Chrissy Sweetie, I know. Our agreement. That nothing would ever happen with Jack. And I broke that. But I love him.

CHRISSY: That's not why I'm crying.

JANET: Oh no! Chrissy, you're not in love with Jack, are you?

CHRISSY: Janet, sometimes you can be so dumb.

JANET: (trying not to smile) What is it then?

CHRISSY: It's that you didn't tell me what was going on.

JANET: I know. There was never a good time. And nothing happened while you were living here, I swear. Not till Cindy moved in.

CHRISSY: Does Cindy know?

JANET: (having to smile) Yes, Honey, she knows.

CHRISSY: Where is she anyway?

JANET: Spending the weekend with Larry.

CHRISSY: (snort-laughing) No, really. [Janet shakes her head.]

Scene IV

[Back in Jack's room.]

MR. R: You're happy Jack's straight?

MR. F: Of course. But I'll still have to kick him out. I mean, it'd be bad enough if he were dating other girls, but dating Janet?

TED: That's ridiculous. You may as well have Janet move out.

MR. F: Hm.

MRS. R: Ted, you're not helping.

MR. R: An unmarried couple living together is worse than a single man and a single woman.

TED: But it's two single women. Three if Chrissy moves back.

MRS. R: (shaking her head) Ted.

TED: Sorry.

JACK: (finally speaking up) What if I married Janet? Then could we stay?

MR. F: You're going to marry Janet?

JACK: If she'll have me. Ted, could you hand me my robe?

TED: (getting the robe) You're not going to propose to her naked?

JACK: Well, if she wants to take off her clothes— [Mr. Roper looks disgusted, Mrs. Roper giggles. Jack slips on his robe and then gets out of bed.] Wish me luck.

TED: Good luck. And check on Chrissy while you're out there, will you?

JACK: Sure.

MRS. R: Oo, this is so exciting!

MR. R: What's so exciting about people getting married just for sex?

MRS. R: (to herself) Why do I stay with him?

Scene V

[Back in the kitchen.]

CHRISSY: So how serious is it with Cindy and Larry?

JANET: (shrugging) It's hard to say. By Larry's standards, three months is a lifetime commitment.

CHRISSY: And what about you and Jack?

JANET: Well— [Jack enters.]

JACK: Hey, Chrissy, feeling better?

CHRISSY: (nodding) Yes, but it seems like a lot has happened since I left.

JANET: A lot has happened since Cindy left for the weekend.

JACK: Yeah. (kneeling by Janet's chair) Janet, there's something I want to ask you.

JANET: (surprised by his seriousness) Yes, Jack, what is it?

CHRISSY: (realizing) He's going to ask you to marry him! [Janet blinks.]

JANET: (to Jack) You are?

JACK: Yeah, will you?

JANET: I thought you wanted to wait.

JACK: Is that a no?

JANET: No. I mean yes. No no. Yes yes.

JACK: What?

JANET: Yes, I'll marry you. [She and Jack both look stunned.]

CHRISSY: Now you're supposed to kiss.

JACK: (smiling) Thanks, Chrissy. [He and Janet kiss. Chrissy looks delighted. The audience applauds. Mr. Furley comes in.]

MR. F: Well, well, well.

CHRISSY: It's okay, they're getting married.

MR. F: Great! I didn't want to have to evict them. [Janet stops kissing Jack and narrows her eyes.]

JANET: (suspiciously) What?

MR. F: I didn't want to, but that Roper, he's a real hard-ass.

JANET: Jack Tripper, are you only going to marry me because you have to?

MR. F: (eyes bugging) What? Oh no, I've created a Frankenstein! [Janet storms out.] Jack, you got Janet in trouble and you weren't even going to marry her till I said to?

JACK: No, I didn't—Never mind. [He storms out.]

MR. F: I don't understand any of this.

CHRISSY: The only part I don't understand is why you were sleeping with Mr. Roper.

MR. F: Oh, I left the swinging singles weekend because it was all men.

CHRISSY: And you liked Mr. Roper better? [He storms out. Chrissy shrugs and then she goes out the door. The scene shifts to the living room. Jack is pounding on Janet's door.]

JACK: Janet, let me in! [The Ropers and Ted come out of Jack's room.]

MR. R: You're not going in her room till you get married.

MR. F: Who cares anymore? Why lock the barn door after you've made hay? [Everyone looks at him. Then Jack pounds on the door again.]

JACK: Janet! [No answer.]

CHRISSY: Let me talk some sense into her. [Jack stops pounding, shakes his head, and shrugs.]

JACK: Why not? You can't make it any worse.

CHRISSY: (going over to the door) Janet, do you really think Jack would marry someone he doesn't love?

JANET: (offscreen) Well, no.

CHRISSY: I mean, it's not like loving somebody without marrying them. The way he's loved you all these years.

EVERYONE BUT CHRISSY: What?

JACK: I didn't love Janet all along. Well, I loved her as a friend. But I didn't capital-L love her.

JANET: You see? I love you more than you love me, because I've always loved you.

CHRISSY: Who cares who had the head-start, as long as you cross the finish line together? [The men look confused, but Mrs. Roper looks touched.]

MRS. R: This is so romantic!

MR. F: Even though she's pregnant?

MR. R: Little Chrissy is pregnant?

TED: Don't look at me, I just drove her here.

MR. F: No, Janet is pregnant.

JANET: (opening the door) No, I'm not. Just in love. [She kisses Jack. The audience aws.]

JACK: Then will you marry me?

JANET: Yes, I will. [The audience applauds.]

CHRISSY: Wait, I just thought of something! If you two get married, does that mean Cindy and I have to move out? [Everyone looks confused, including Chrissy. Fade to commercial.]

Scene VI (The Tag)

[The living room. Ted is sleeping on the couch. The door opens. Cindy and Larry stand in the doorway.]

CINDY: Thank you for a lovely weekend, Larry.

LARRY: My pleasure.

CINDY: (smiling) I know. [They kiss.] Would you like to come in?

LARRY: Well, maybe for a few minutes. [They head for the couch. Then they see Ted.] Who's that?

CINDY: Oh my god, Ted McKinley! I had such a crush on him in high school.

LARRY: (jealously) You did?

CINDY: Yeah, but I was a little freshman and he was a senior and he never noticed me.

LARRY: Well, he must've noticed you if he's in your living room.

TED: (sleepily) Who's there?

CINDY: Hi, Ted. It's Cindy, Cindy Snow.

LARRY: And her boyfriend Larry.

TED: Oh yeah, Chrissy told me about you, Larry. And Jack says—

LARRY: Uh, is Jack around?

TED: No, he's staying with the Ropers till the wedding.

LARRY & CINDY: The wedding?!

TED: (sighing) Let me wake up, Chrissy. She's better at explaining things. [Larry and Cindy look utterly confused. Fade to credits.]