The rest of the day passed without consequence. Much to Zuko's surprise, Sokka won their sparring match. Apparently he had been training recently, too, under the tutelage of Shinu who had turned out to be an excellent swordsman. Afterward, the young men retreated to the library with glasses of whiskey in hand. At this point, Katara decided to take a nap. Suki settled into a hammock for a second reading of Love Amongst the Dragons. Iroh and Toph played a game of Pai Sho. Ursa and Aang spent the afternoon playing with the turtleducks and talking about Air Nomad traditions. Ursa was especially intrigued by Aang's experience with the chakras. Some time later, Katara and Suki began fussing in the kitchen over a special birthday dessert.
Dinner was none other than Zuko's favorite, komodo chicken. Iroh insisted that after-dinner entertainment involve instruments, and even though Ursa urged Zuko to play the tsungi horn for them, he declared birthday exemption from any kind of performances. Glasses of sake were poured, and the music got a little more lively after that. Eventually the tune of the birthday song was played.
Zuko was grateful that they didn't sing it. His sister would always butcher the song by screeching it out on purpose just to annoy him when they were kids. Despite that, for a split second, he was sad that she wasn't there with them. When a tray of fruit tarts was placed in front of him and after his uncle lit the candles, he made his wish. I hope Azula gets better.
It was already dark in the courtyard, so he didn't even look at the pastry before biting into it. His mother used to always give him fruit tarts on his birthday, and they would sit by the turtleduck pond to eat them. He was so wrapped up in the memory of it, that the sweet and tangy taste of the tayberry completely caught him off guard.
He choked a little on that first bite. "Wait… how did you?"
"You don't like it?" Katara furrowed her brow.
"Tayberry preserves," Suki said. "And Lian taught me the recipe. But I thought you said you liked them."
"I do. It's just different." Zuko smiled sheepishly.
Katara and Suki looked unconvinced. He quickly finished his tart and took a second one to hopefully appease them. The music picked up again, another round of sake was poured, and much fun was had by all.
Katara offered to do dishes since she'd had a nap that afternoon. Everyone else drifted off toward bed at some point. It didn't surprise her, however, to find Zuko in her bed when she got there.
"What are you reading?" Katara squinted to read the title of his book while slipping one leg over Zuko's waist to straddle him.
He lowered the book slightly and raised an eyebrow at her. "Nothing if you plan to stay in that position." The memory of her legs wrapped around him in a cave earlier that day sprang up… along with something else.
"Hmm, The History of Agriculture in the Fire Nation." She tilted her head at him in amusement. "Sounds exciting. You do realize you're on vacation, don't you?"
"I know. And I would probably never have time to read a book like this back home. I was just… I keep thinking about those cool hybrid fruits from Two Rivers. I was seeing if we cultivated anything like that in the Fire Nation."
Katara shifted back slightly so she had easier access to untie the sash across the waistline of his tunic. "You're a dork, you know that?"
"Then you're dating a dork." He pretended to ignore what she was doing, but he knew a certain part of him was giving him away.
Suddenly she stopped undressing him. Before he knew it, she had pushed the book aside and was gently caressing his scarred cheek. His field of view was completely filled with the blueness of her eyes. They looked… concerned.
"Zuko, let me try healing it. Now that we have the spirit water."
"Katara…" He looked away.
"Come on, Zuko. I told you I would, and I will… try, at least. I don't know for sure, but—"
"Does it matter that much to you?"
"I…uhhh, I thought it mattered to you? Don't you want to be free from it?"
"Are you… ashamed of me?"
"Don't start that again, Zuko. I already told you I'm not! I just know that you're trying to let go of your past, and it's a really painful part of your past, so…"
"It doesn't hurt anymore. It's fine, Katara."
"I know it doesn't hurt on the outside, but what about on the inside? How you feel about it… what it represents?"
"None of that will change if you heal it on the outside. So unless you just can't stand to look at it anymore—"
"FINE."
Katara rolled off of him and slumped next to him in the bed. Just before she did, he saw the look in her eyes turn to hurt and confusion. This… is not going well. How do I explain this better?
He turned to face her and began lightly stroking her arm. "Katara, I want to save the spirit water for something else. I know we talked about you healing my scar, and I appreciate it, I really do. But if something else were to happen to me… or to you… or anyone else I care about, I want to have the spirit water just in case. I… came out of this fight OK, but I'm not sure if I could… if I'd make it…" Please, no more pain.
She reached for his hand and interlaced their fingers together. "OK," she whispered. "I understand. And I don't care what it…" She swallowed hard and then looked at him. This time, he saw sincerity in her eyes. "Zuko, I think you're handsome… and strong… and sexy…but…"
"But?"
"The man you are on the inside is what is most important… to me. I love you for who you are, not what you look like."
"I…" He sighed. "I used to think the scar defined who I was. It was a mark of shame… dishonor. But it's not even that…"
"Of course it's not."
"No, literally. It doesn't fit the textbook definition of the mark of dishonor. It's something Dr. Jung showed me in our last session. That according to the rules of the Agni Kai, when one person yields, the other gives him the 'mark of dishonor' on his shoulder. I dunno, ever since he showed me that distinction, I've been thinking…"
Katara shifted so that she was closer to him, arms linked around his and her chin resting on his shoulder.
"…that maybe it was never about me," he continued. "That it's just the mark of… a fucked-up father. I mean, he always saw me as a failure, and I could never measure up—"
"Stop. Don't go there. Just leave it at 'it was never about you.' Because it wasn't. It wasn't your fault."
"I always wanted to be like him when I was a kid. In fact, people always said how much I looked like him. I remember how proud that made me feel, but at one point, I started noticing that when people said that to him, he would cringe. I wonder if…"
"What, Zuko?"
"I wonder if that's why. So… I wouldn't look like him anymore."
"Oh."
"That's funny, actually. Because that's another reason why I don't want you to heal it. Because I don't want to look like him, either."
"But Zuko, looks don't matter, like I said before. You are a different person than your father on the inside. And since he gave you the scar, it still seems to bind you to him, so that's why I thought… you know what? We should probably not talk about it anymore. It's getting late, and I don't want to… fuel your nightmares or anything."
"That doesn't matter… talking about it or not. Dr. Jung says there's something stuck in my brain that makes me dream about it. We have to find it to fix it or something like that…"
"Hmm. Maybe I can help with that, actually."
"You're determined, aren't you?"
"No. Hear me out. In Ba Sing Se, Yugoda taught me some techniques to help the Joo Dees recover their memories. It's just… a way to soothe the mind and clear pathways that might be blocked, nothing too invasive or anything."
"Invasive? You mean, like brainwashing? No way, Katara. The Joo Dees seriously creep me out. Besides, I'm fine. I don't need help remembering. I get to replay it in my head every night, so—"
"But if we could find the part that's stuck or the trigger or whatever… don't you think it's worth a try? Then you don't have to keep reliving it…"
"I…uhhh…"
"Besides, there's a lot more involved to brainwashing. Herbal components and hypnosis and such. That's not what I'm talking about. Just a little healing water to the head. That's all."
"How do you know so much about… nevermind. No. If you've only done it on the Joo Dees, then you don't know what it could do to a normal person."
"I did it on Jet."
"Oh that's just great. Yeah, that's real comforting. Because Jet's not crazy or anything…"
"FINE." She pushed away from him and slumped back into the exact position—and mood—she had been in ten minutes earlier.
Zuko let out a noise of frustration. She's just trying to help. She's persistent and stubborn about it, but… I do trust her.
"Okay," he whispered.
"Hmm?"
"You can try it."
"Are you sure?"
"No. But what have I got to lose?"
"Zuko, if you're uncomfortable… I don't want to push you…"
"Just do it."
Before Zuko could say anything else by way of expressing his second thoughts on the matter, Katara had straddled him again and gloved her hands in glowing water. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but his thoughts wandered to where her weight pressed into him slightly at his hips. Mmmmmm…
One minute he was imagining himself flipping Katara over and planting furious kisses all over her body. The next, a golden blur pushed him into a scene from his past, his family at the beach on Ember Island. His mother was laughing, and his father was… tickling him… and then chasing him… and then splashing him with water. None of it was especially affectionate, but it was fun.
Then another flash of gold, and Zuko saw his mother hovering over his bed. Her laughter was gone, and her cheeks were stained with tears. She lowered the hood of her cloak and spoke. "Zuko, please, my love, listen to me. Everything I've done, I've done to protect you." Zuko blinked to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Then Ursa pulled him into a hug. "Remember this, Zuko. No matter how things may seem to change, never forget who you are."
Zuko found himself in yet another golden haze before he was back in his childhood bed again. He would have assumed it was the same memory except he realized that he was older. About thirteen. Another flash of gold, but this time it was his father's flaming fist as the man loomed at his bedside. Even in the dark of night, Zuko could see Ozai's fire flare in his rage-filled eyes. Still unsure of whether he was dreaming or not, Zuko's scream was stuck in his throat.
And then he was screaming into Katara's shoulder. She held him tightly like she did after a nightmare. His neck and his back were slick, either from sweat or the healing water she had released, or both. When the pounding in his ears finally stopped, he could hear her saying, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
After she had gently guided him to lay back down, he waited for her to say something else. To ask him what he saw. To find out if it helped. She didn't. She just held him, and he let the steadiness of her breath and the coolness of her touch calm him. Maybe it wasn't a memory. Maybe it was just a dream. Right. A memory of a bad dream.
Except that he knew that it wasn't.
A/N: Just as a quick reminder from DBD, Shinu and Lian are Arik's parents, and the family resides in Two Rivers (although Arik will be moving to the capital soon). Shinu serves on the council with Sokka and Suki, and I imagine that as their elder, he takes the teens under his wing, so to speak.
There are two references in this chapter to my side fic, The Doctor Is In, which details conversations with Dr. Jung. Zuko mentions the "mark of dishonor" in their first session (chapter 2) but then they explore this further in the context of official Agni Kai rules in Session 3 (chapter 5). I also have a snippet entitled Happy Birthday Zuzu (chapter 6) about Azula which references the birthday song and fruit tarts.
"And much fun was had by all," is my tribute phrase to Emletish because I am having so much fun writing this and because I continue to be inspired by other fanfiction writers AND reviewers. Many thanks to you all! So, in Not Stalking Zuko, Katara and Zuko have a conversation about getting more spirit water and healing his scar after the war is over. Proceed with head canon ramblings: First of all, I have a reason that Suki gets the spirit water, some interesting political things afoot. That will come later. Secondly, I can't have Zuko without his scar. It just doesn't work for me. Some writers have Katara heal it, but I'm honestly not sure by the end of the series if Zuko would want her to (if she even could).
Zuko is sensitive about it. He avoids mirrors and doesn't like for anyone to touch it. But he's starting to think about it differently. Not having it doesn't change what happened or who he is. It is a mark of his character, of sorts, but not one of dishonor like he previously thought. It marks him as strong, honorable, and enduring. For me as a fan, I can't see him without it. For me as a writer, his character development is centered around it. It even symbolizes that he is teachable, which is obvious from his redemption arc in the show. Suffering will be your teacher... Ozai, you had no idea.
Zuko's recovered memory will also come back into play later. So, yes, his father came into his room one night and thought about burning him sometime prior to the Agni Kai. Hmmm, I wonder why...
