yikes me for this taking so long...especially since this chapter along with 10 more have been sitting saved on my computer fo S.
warning for self-harm and suicide talk.
Taking the bleachers two at a time, Arizona didn't stop to think before she flew into Callie's arms. Sweaty legs wrapped around Callie's waist and dirty arms clung to her neck. To Callie's credit, she managed to stay upright, only having half predicted Arizona's behavior.
"We're gonna win!" Arizona squealed, grin spreading across her face. "I told you Mila is a good luck charm! Oh…oops. I'm sorry. Honest." Arizona slid down Callie's body and cringed.
Shrugging, Callie wiped a few strands of particularly sweaty hair off Arizona's face. "It's fine. You're excited and this friends thing is going to take some getting used to. Plus, you're clingy."
"I'm not clingy," Arizona argued, laughing, before greeting Callie's siblings and kissing Mila.
"You're killing it out there, Zo," Aria complimented, snuggling into Arizona's side despite how disgustingly gross she was. Arizona always played hard, but even Callie hadn't seen her this sweaty, dirty, and covered in grass stains before. "Maybe you should, like, go shower before half is over?"
Chuckling, Arizona pulled away. "No way. I've gotta keep the team hyped up. I just wanted to come say hi. And thank you all for coming. Honestly, I thought this might be our last game. The Rangers are a really good team and I haven't exactly been on the ball lately so…anyway, thank you all. It means a lot."
"We'll come to all of them," Callie promised. "I'll try. I swear," she added at Arizona's raised eyebrow. She ignored Aria and CJ's glances and pretended she wasn't babbling to try and please her ex.
"Even if you only make the championship game, which we will get to, I'll be grateful. I'm going to run and say hi to my parents before I head to the locker room. See you after?"
Callie barely nodded before Arizona was off across the bleachers toward Barbara and Daniel.
"You are disgustingly smitten still."
"Huh?" Callie mumbled, taking Mila from CJ and settling back into her seat.
"You and Arizona. You're both very clearly still head over heels for each other. What the hell you doing, sis?"
Glancing toward CJ, Callie glared. "I don't need you to understand every decision I make. I'm your older sister, remember? Both of you can stay out of it."
"Whoa, Cal. Relax. We're on your side."
Callie unstiffened. Not one part of this was Aria and CJ's faults. Deflating, she rested her head on CJ's shoulder and grabbed Aria's hand. "Sorry. I know you're both on my side. I think…listen, I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with my own decision. About Arizona. She's having an extremely tough time so to see her so happy and relaxed, I…she just needs people in her corner. But so do I. Because Arizona doesn't understand why I ended things and even though she's trying, and she is, trying, it's still so hard to face her right now. All I ever want to do lately is touch her and comfort her and love her, because I do love her. So much."
"What can we do?" Aria asked, squeezing Callie's hand.
"I don't know," Callie whispered, shrugging and tearing up. Her throat felt like it was closing up. Arizona's team was obliterating one of their hardest opponents, her ex was radiating excitement, and all Callie could think about was breaking down.
"So how about we start with sibling lunch after the game and go from there? You can tell us, honestly, what's going on with you and what has you so scared. And we'll try to help."
"Even if the help comes in the form of a bread basket, pasta, and cookie sundae," CJ added, eyes twinkling toward his sister.
Chest heaving, Callie snorted. That plan didn't sound half bad.
Callie Torres
Good job today. I knew you had this. Proud of you.
One text and three simple sentences had Arizona dropping from prideful, smiling, and celebratory to heart pounding, stomach crushing, and breathless in less than three seconds. Her throat clenched at how Callie was listed in her phone now. Pressing a hand to her chest, she sat back in her chair and tried to stop the thoughts that flooded her head.
She knew she shouldn't be this impacted by Callie telling her she was proud of her, and her therapist was definitely going to make her do a thought log about this.
Her head started swimming and she couldn't catch her breath. They'd talked about catastrophizing in therapy last week. Rationally, Arizona knew that's what her brain was doing. She could pinpoint all the black and white thinking that was going on too, but her thoughts were still jumping from 'Callie left me' to 'my life is worthless' faster than she could interfere and use any of the skills she'd been learning.
Grabbing her phone, she ignored the concerned look Teddy was throwing her way and exited the restaurant. Falling onto a bench just outside the entrance, Arizona sucked in several deep breaths and pulled up the picture she took of her safety plan. Knowing she was way past steps one and two, she tried to focus on step three, but her fingers were trembling. Beginning to berate herself, she sunk her head into her hands and continued breathing. She wanted so desperately to be Callie's friend, but if a simple text triggered her this much, how could she realistically expect it to work.
Her heart was yelling at her to call Callie to help her calm down, but forcing that responsibility onto her ex was not only cruel and unfair, but also totally against what she promised her therapist, parents, and herself.
After another ten or so breaths, she sat back up and dialed her mom.
Barbara answered almost immediately.
"Hi baby. You ready?"
"Mom." The breath rushed out of Arizona's lungs and she gulped in air she didn't realize she had been missing. "I need you or dad to come get me. Please. Before I do something really stupid."
She could hear her mom calling for her dad in the background in between whispering calming words to her, but all Arizona could concentrate on were the tears that began spilling down her cheeks.
Interrupting whatever her mom was saying, Arizona huffed. "Mom, can you stay on the line? Please?"
Arizona didn't hear her mom's response, jumping nearly a foot in the air when she felt someone settle beside her.
"Arizona?" she heard through the phone.
Heart settling, Arizona put the phone back to her ear and reassured her mom. "Sorry. Teddy's here. I think she can sit with me until you get here."
After quick confirmation from Teddy, Arizona said goodbye and hung up, sinking into her best friend's side.
"I'm sorry I scared you," Teddy said, rubbing a hand up and down Arizona's arm in an attempt to soothe her. "And I'm sorry it took me so long to come check on you. I didn't want to suffocate you, but I…"
Arizona shook her head and sunk deeper into Teddy.
"I don't really know what to do to help and all I want is for you to feel better," Teddy mumbled helplessly, tightening her grip on Arizona. "Is there anything I can do while we wait for your mom?"
Choking on a cough as she tried to pull herself together, Arizona straightened her posture but didn't move away. The pressure and comfort was helping.
"You already are," she promised Teddy. "But you could help me steady my breathing and maybe let me talk out loud."
"Yeah, yes. Anything."
The pair sat for several minutes, Teddy counting Arizona's breath for her like she'd shown her a while ago in case this ever happened.
When Arizona had visibly relaxed, she stopped counting and waited, but was met with silence.
"You said it would help to talk to me? Is that still…?"
"Yeah," Arizona answered, finally letting her shoulders sag a little. "I just, well – Teddy, it's not pretty. I haven't exactly shared these kinds of thoughts with you, but every time I do tell people, they freak out. Everyone holds it together pretty well, but I mean, even my parents and Callie panicked. You're my best friend and I can't-"
Teddy cut her off with the intensity of her stare. "Yes. I am your best friend. And you're mine. So whatever is going on up here," she said, tapping a gentle finger against Arizona's temple, "I can handle it. Especially if it helps to talk about."
"That's weird, right?"
Teddy was comforted by the way Arizona had mostly come back to herself, but she couldn't lie and say she wasn't nervous to hear what Arizona had to say.
"That people are freaking out?"
"No. That talking about it helps?"
"What? No, of course not."
Arizona sighed and ran a hand through her ponytail. "I don't want people to think I'm doing this for attention, or making it up, or hell, I don't know, trying to manipulate Callie or something. I'm not making it up, I swear."
The vulnerability in Arizona's gaze startled Teddy. Resting their foreheads together for a moment, she tried to provide the tiniest bit more comfort.
"I know. I believe you. And I'm sorry you're going through this. You can tell me. It's not a burden, and I can promise you I'll still love you the same."
"Okay." Arizona squeezed Teddy's thigh. "Thank you. Just…give me a second."
Several moments later, Arizona sucked in a breath and turned to face Teddy.
"Please tell me if it's too much. Promise?"
Teddy nodded.
"The thoughts of suicide…they totally freak me out, too. I…"
Nodding encouragingly, Teddy linked their fingers.
"When I'm not thinking about suicide, or self-harm I guess, I sometimes think about when I do think about it. And it's…pretty terrifying. Scary that it gets to that point. I don't have any, um…intent usually. That's what my therapist calls it. Like, I don't have intentions to do it, ya know?" Arizona frowned. "She asks me about plans, too. And I don't really have plans in the way other people do I don't think. But Teddy, I have like these images and ideas that pop into my head that I can't control. And I'm trying to control them. But the harder I try to push away images of me slicing my arm or banging my head against the concrete, the more vivid they become."
Arizona stared at her lap, but Teddy remained silent and she appreciated that.
"I guess it's a good thing that having those images and thoughts scares me so much. Maybe that means I really don't want to do it. But then why is it happening?"
Teddy wiped tears off Arizona's face.
"It's not Callie's fault," Arizona said, almost demanding.
"I know," Teddy promised, trying to offer some reassurance.
"It's not her fault. But not being with her makes me so sad and lost and empty. I want to kill myself because I'm not with her and that sounds so…cruel and manipulative. I don't have the urge to kill myself so she'll take me back. I don't."
"I know, babe. You don't have to convince me."
Nodding, Arizona took a deep breath.
"Other people need convincing, I think. I can't really explain it and that's my fault, but I'm not doing this on purpose. And it just hits me out of nowhere sometimes. Other times I think about it all day, but sometimes, like today, it comes on like a tsunami. All I want is Callie, but all I want is to get away from Callie. And I want to be her friend and Mila is so important to me an-"
"Okay, okay. Take a breath."
"Rambling."
"Mhm."
"I'm sorry."
After giving Arizona a minute to calm down, Teddy placed a finger under her chin and pulled her head up. "No apologizing. Thank you for sharing with me. I have a lot of points that I want to argue, but I don't think that's what you need right now. If I were in your shoes, I bet I'd be pretty annoyed if someone did that."
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me for something I should be doing."
"Thank you anyway."
"You're welcome. Can I ask a question?"
The nod was immediate.
"I know the difference between suicide and self-harm. At least I think. But for you…when you talk about things like uh, your wrists," she tried explaining, feeling awkward, but waving a hand toward Arizona's arms. "Or your head. Those could be either so I don't know if for you that means suicide or self-harm or something else. I think it's important that I know. Because I believe you when you say you don't think you'll do it, but in case that changes, I think it's important that I know."
"Deep question," Arizona tried to joke and although it fell largely flat, it pulled a soft smile out of both of them. "You're a great best friend for caring this much. For wanting me to be safe."
"I just love you."
"I love you, too."
"So?" Teddy reminded.
"Right. So, the slicing my wrists thing – that's suicide. It's the first way I thought about it. With a knife from my kitchen. The one with the…" Arizona trailed off and sighed. "Anyway. The head banging I'm not really sure. Both? That usually pops up when I'm feeling so overwhelmed that my head seems like it's about to explode. I think initially it would be self-harm to try to manage being so overwhelmed, but if I died doing it…that'd be okay too?" Cringing, Arizona caught Teddy's eyes. When Teddy didn't seem outwardly startled, she continued. "Most of the other things I haven't explained in detail are self-harm. There are a few other suicide scenarios, but honestly if I were to do it, I think I'd try to overdose. The thought of bleeding out is so petrifying and would…hurt? I don't know. But, there are self-harm things that I um…maybe have already done? Ones that don't necessarily lead to dying."
"What?"
"Wow. Finally a reaction."
"Unfair."
Rubbing at her forehead, Arizona grimaced. "You're right. That was my depression talking, but that isn't an excuse. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. But you need to explain what you said. Especially because I made a promise to you and your family that'd I'd help keep you safe."
Before Arizona could elaborate, her dad's Honda pulled up and Barbara was out of the car before Daniel fully stopped.
"Arizona!"
"Hi, momma."
Standing, Arizona let her mom pull her into a bone-crushing hug, finding comfort in the smell of fresh laundry and English breakfast tea. Her mom's scent could always ease her. She could vividly remember multiple instances when both she and Tim were little, and inhaling that mom scent meant everything. Times where they'd fallen playing, Arizona's first heartbreak (over her then soccer coach's teenage daughter), or when Tim was rushed to the hospital because of an allergic reaction in fifth grade.
"Thank you for coming," she added as an afterthought, pulling away enough to wave to her dad over her mom's shoulder. "You didn't both have to drop everything to get here."
"We didn't. But we're your parents and you're our top priority."
"I'm lucky."
Barbara hummed and motioned for Teddy to join their embrace.
"Thank you for staying with Arizona."
"Of course." Teddy stared at Arizona, narrowing her eyes in an attempt to silently communicate with her. If she wasn't going to come clean to her parents about what she had just shared, Teddy sure as hell was.
"Damn it, T." Arizona rolled her eyes and turned to her mom. "Teddy's giving me that look because I told her I've been self-harming. And she was gonna tell you if I didn't."
"Well I'm glad for Teddy. Because you weren't, were you?" Barbara softened the words by pulling Arizona closer.
"It's hard telling you and dad this stuff. Once it's out in the open, it's a little easier but…and also, the self-harm wasn't bad. Minor things."
"That's pretty subjective reasoning, hm?"
Arizona shrugged. "I guess. Thanks for looking out for me, Teddy. I'll see you tonight?"
"If I let her out," Barbara added, teasing. "On a serious note – you'll look out for one another tonight?"
"You mean Teddy will watch me like a hawk?" Arizona asked, cracking a smile. "She will. She's a good seed."
"And you are an idiot. I'll see you later. Text if you want me to pick you up on the way."
"And you, my dear, can tell me all about this self-harming over ice cream when we get home. We may not be as easy to share with as Calliope, but we have to work on that."
Arizona didn't miss the look Teddy sent her way at her mom's mention of Callie.
"Spoons down! I have to check this and I don't want my entire dessert demolished when I look back up."
Aria and CJ grinned, spoons still clutched in their hands. Callie winked and pretended to miss them both taking heaping spoonfuls of ice cream, cookie, and sprinkles.
She normally wouldn't pick up her phone during a lunch date with her siblings, but she saw Teddy's name and panicked a little. It wasn't like she and Teddy weren't friends. They genuinely were, Arizona or no Arizona, but they weren't the kind of friends to text on a Saturday. Their texts usually consisted of homework talk or group messages deciding on plans.
Grabbing her phone, she pushed her thumb in to unlock the screen and opened Teddy's message.
"Shit," she cursed.
"Everything okay?" CJ asked, offering his full spoon toward her.
Suddenly feeling queasy, Callie shook her head. "You guys go ahead and finish. I have to make a quick call." Slipping her debit card out of her wallet, she handed it to CJ. "My treat. I'll meet you guys outside."
After a lengthy call with Teddy, who explained what happened, Callie felt sicker. Glancing in the window of the restaurant and confirming that Aria and CJ were still waiting, she pulled up Arizona's phone contact and called her ex. Her throat was dry, but when Arizona answered the phone, words began spilling out of her mouth.
"Hey, Zo. Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to keep you in the loop. Teddy and I just spoke, and she gave me a run down on what happened earlier. I realized halfway into the conversation that it wasn't a conversation we should be having at all. These things are your business and you should get to decide what I know and what I don't. What anyone knows or doesn't, as long as you're being open with someone. It's kind of selfish for Teddy or me to ask you not to be upset with us, but I think Teddy is scared because you guys didn't get to finish talking, and I…I just care about you a lot."
A few moments passed as Arizona responded.
Callie continued, barely attending to what Arizona had said. "Well, I appreciate that. And I think it's a good idea to have that conversation with Teddy, but I'd like to own up about my mistake here, too. I could have cut off the conversation earlier. I should have."
Arizona continued to reassure her, but the guilt in her gut didn't fade.
"What are you doing right now? Are you still talking with your mom?"
Okay, maybe it was guilt laced with worry.
"Can I come over? I just finished up lunch with Aria and CJ. Aria wanted to take Mila to the park."
At Arizona's yes, Callie realized it was guilt and worry laced with someone else entirely.
"You girls hungry?"
Barbara's head was spinning. In less then ten hours, Arizona had gone from a bumbling mess of excitement and pride, to distraught and sobbing as she described cutting her upper thighs in the shower and using her fingernails to indent her skin, to a giggling teenager in love. Her stomach rolled as she watched Callie and Arizona together. The last thing she wanted was to put boundaries on their relationship. She loved Callie, and Arizona radiated when she was with her. Part of her responsibility as a mom, though, was making sure Arizona wasn't purposefully hurting herself and the more Barbara observed the pair, the more she realized Callie, in this way, was a form of self-harm, unconscious or not.
She'd never tell them they couldn't be friends, but she needed to have a conversation with Arizona about limits.
Right now, Arizona was crossing just about every single one of them. Her daughter was cuddled up against Callie in their backyard hammock, both of them giggling, and teasing, and staring when the other wasn't looking.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she realized they hadn't even heard her.
"I'll get them," Daniel said from his spot on one of the deck lounge chairs where he'd been reading a novel.
Standing up, he picked up the hose and flicked the switch, aiming it right at his daughter's back.
Both he and Barbara doubled over in laughter when Arizona shrieked and toppled the hammock over, landing on Callie with a grunt and rolling off. She hid behind Callie to protect herself from the still spraying hose.
"Dad!"
After letting the spray hit them for a few more seconds, Daniel shut it off and waited for them to stumble onto the deck.
"Your mom was trying to get your attention, but you were both too caught up in one another to realize. Had to find out if you were hungry somehow. The hose seemed to work just fine."
Callie blushed and Arizona looked hopeful.
"I may have overstayed my welcome. I just wanted to…" Trailing off, Callie glanced at Arizona's legs, mostly bare thanks to the tiny cotton shorts she was sporting. "Uh…just check in."
"You haven't," Arizona promised as she looked toward her parents for confirmation. "Can Callie stay for dinner? I was going to invite her to the party tonight anyway."
"She can," Barbara said, reaching out to squeeze Callie's shoulder. How she hadn't put two and two together earlier to realize that Callie had come to check on Arizona because of this afternoon, she'd never know. "How's stir fry?"
"So, you're having a party?"
"Hm?" Arizona asked as she swapped her wet clothes for dry ones.
Callie looked away.
"You told your parents you were inviting me to the party."
"Oh." Joining Callie on her bed, Arizona relaxed against the pillows and grinned. "I'm not. One of the soccer girls is. Want to go?"
"Sounds fun, but I've got Mila."
"I know. My parents can watch her. No pressure, though."
"Can I think about it?"
"Yeah, of course."
Silence enveloped the room. After several long minutes, which felt more like hours, Callie reached out and began gently tracing the cuts along Arizona's thighs.
Arizona sucked in a breath and tried not to jerk away.
"I…" Instead of finishing her thought, she lifted her shirt. Guilt gnawed away at her when Callie's eyes immediately filled with tears at the site of red-welted scratches.
"How does your team not see these?"
Shrugging, Arizona laid back and let Callie trace the scratches on her stomach. "I don't think anyone pays enough attention to my upper thighs. If I don't have my shorts on, I'm honestly usually walking around topless so I think more people are staring at my chest. Plus, I make sure to keep them light enough that they're hard to see unless you're close. And my soccer shorts always cover them."
"These aren't light," Callie pointed out, softly pressing into Arizona's stomach to help get her point across.
"Yeah…I just did that last night. Made sure to keep a shirt on today."
"You had Mila last night."
"I know."
Callie forced herself not to pull her hand away. Gathering the courage, she asked Arizona what she knew she needed to. "Was Mila safe?"
"Yes," Arizona hissed out, attempting to keep her own tears at bay and not get upset with Callie. She would worry the same. "I wasn't even contemplating suicide. I was sad and missed you and feeling stressed…it was just my nails in the shower. Mila was asleep. If it ever gets to that point, I'd get my parents. And call you. Immediately."
"Okay."
"Sorry."
"It's not just your nails, you know."
"What?"
"Teddy told me you kept referring to the self-harm stuff as no big deal. Because it probably won't lead to death. That's not not a big deal."
"I know."
"Then why do you keep saying it?"
"Because in the scheme of things it's not."
"There's no scheme of things, Arizona!"
"I know."
Callie instantly regretted yelling. Arizona had crumpled into herself in shame. She really didn't need to be making this worse.
"I'm not mad at you."
Arizona didn't answer.
"You need to stop, though."
"Okay."
"No, Zo, listen to me. You need to stop for you. Not because I asked you to. I know stopping is obviously much easier said than done, but you need to. Figure it out with your therapist, your parents, Teddy, me if you want, whatever. But you have to stop."
"I know."
"Callie didn't feel like coming?"
"Nope," Arizona responded, glancing at Teddy and popping the P of the word for emphasis. "Said this is something I should experience because we're broken up and I'm not a teenage mother and bla bla bla. What the fuck ever."
"Arizona?"
Arizona downed a shot and poured a second.
"I understand why you did it, Teddy, but it really wasn't your place. I'm allowed to be a little upset with you. If you were so fucking concerned about me, you could have come over. Asked me what I've been doing and asked to see it. Stayed with me if you were so fucking worried."
Downing the second shot, Arizona grabbed a beer from the table and rolled her eyes.
"And that's not the irritable depression talking. That's me talking. Next time run it by me before you go and tell my ex my secrets. I get that this is a learning curve for all of us, but that wasn't okay."
"I'm sorry. What your mom said, it made me think telling Callie would be helpful. I shouldn't have. I know that. Callie told me too."
Three hefty swallows of beer later and Arizona softened. "I've already forgiven you. I'm just angry."
Teddy nodded, eyes wide.
"And before you ask, I'm not drowning my emotions in alcohol. I want to get a little tipsy, to celebrate our win. Two shots and a beer and I'm done for a while."
"Okay. Well." Grabbing a beer, Teddy nodded toward the backyard where a number of students were dancing to a top hits Pandora station. "Dance with me? I haven't seen Party Arizona out to play for a while and my Snapchat story is sorely missing you."
With everything going on recently, Callie was on high alert, so when her phone chimed with Arizona's text message alert at 3:47 am, she wasted no time in reading the message.
Arizona Robbins
Thbkx..wan u b prod of me
Sighing in relief, Callie relaxed against her pillows. A drunk Arizona, unnecessarily responding to her earlier message was, although blurring the lines of their relationship, much easier to manage than a suicidal Arizona. Especially at almost four in the morning.
Before she could type out a quick response, Arizona sent her a flurry of messages.
Arizona Robbins
Feel good wen u r prd
Of me
Bxcus I wan 2 make u prod
Thnk I drank 2 muc
Im fin
Fine
Nnoyed tho
Don want 2 sleep heere
Ugh
I wan to come ovr
W u
So stupidd
Sorry
The messages kept coming and Callie was feeling less and less able to respond effectively. Getting out of bed, she slipped into her bathroom and closed the door. The last thing she needed was a drunk Arizona and a screaming Mila.
Pressing send, she waited for Arizona to pick up.
"Cal?"
"Hey, Zo. Where are you?"
"Zara's…ummm…"
"So you haven't left the party?"
"Oh."
"Arizona?"
"Huh? Oh. The party is over. Just some of the team."
The slur in Arizona's voice was making Callie anxious, but she felt better knowing she was safe with her teammates.
"Okay good. Stay put. Get some rest, alright?"
"Mm…yeah. Okay."
Callie could tell by Arizona's tone that the blonde didn't want to stay. Given different circumstances, she would have gone to pick her up and let her stay over. They were not in a place to do that in a healthy way, though, and having Arizona stay the night would just be reinforcing and provide her more false hope.
"I'll see you in school Monday," Callie promised, even though her heart was screaming at her to say she'd be at Sunday family dinner with the Robbins. "And I'll give Mila a kiss for you in the morning."
"Thanks," Arizona said. She hung up before Callie could say goodbye.
Walking back into her bedroom, she gently shifted Mila out of her crib and onto her chest as she lay down. If she planned to get anymore sleep prior to her daughter's typical 5 am wake-up call, she could at least bribe her with morning snuggles in bed.
She was exhausted, but it wasn't like Arizona's text really put her over the edge. All she could picture was Arizona dead when she closed her eyes. Her dreams were either plagued with nightmares of Arizona's funeral or unfair images of them together and happy, in Ohio, with kindergarten aged Mila and a tiny house to call their own.
It wasn't that she didn't love Arizona enough to be with her, but the guilt and discomfort was too much to handle. Arizona had the chance at becoming a successful college athlete, not to mention get accepted into almost any school she hoped for academically. Callie couldn't imagine living a life where Arizona gave that up for her, for Mila.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she willed sleep to come. As sad as her happy dreams made her, it allotted her exactly what she truly wanted.
