HALLOOOOO!
Okay, I know it's been a long time since I updated, but life isn't easy right now. As I said before, my mental health is important. As it is, I am really sick while I write this, but I'm powering through it. I hope you like it guys!
Ya'll ready?
The pounding in my head was worse than getting run over by a horde of demons.
I let out an extremely unladylike groan as my heavy eyes peel open, the world above me bleary. What the hell happened last night?
Luckily, the room was dark so my eyes weren't blinded. The sheets felt heavy and hot against my bare skin, my legs tangled in the sheets-
Wait a minute. Bare skin?
I groggily sit up, putting a hand to my pounding head. With a wince I focus my eyes, the cream colors of my skin and the contrast of white sheets came into focus, and I furrow my brow at my bare thighs. How did my night gown ride up so much?
A hiss escapes my mouth as the curtains are flung open, pouring blinding white Idris light into the dark bedroom. I throw my heavy arms up to shield myself, the light increasing my ache by tenfold. I lower them after a moment to glare at Jace who was standing next to the curtain. He was outlined with gold light, his hair a messy halo. I can see a small smirk on his face. "Morning sunshine."
"What happened last night?" I groan, dropping my hands. Jace shrugs and walks over, his hands deep in his pajama pockets.
"Nothing much." His eyes drop down to my chest. I frown and look down- my nightgown's aren't exposing.
But this is.
I clap a hand over my mouth as I stare down at my white bustier and stocking set. A garter belt? What was I wearing?! I shriek softly and grab the covers, drawing them around me tightly.
"Why am I wearing this?!" I almost scream at Jace. He looks down at me in amusement, gold eyes glinting. He seems guarded somehow, as if cautious of me.
"It was under your dress- which you took off last night. All by yourself, I may add, so don't blame me." he adds offhandedly. I shake my head in confusion, panic, exhaustion and pain all colliding wildly in my head. My jaw drops at a horrifying thought.
"We didn't…" I whisper, gazing at Jace with wide and shocked eyes. He shakes his head, still clearly amused.
"No, not last night." Relief hits me like a freight train and I slump in tired relief, the bustier cutting into the skin of my thighs. "Even though you certainly tried hard to."
And I did. I remember.
Dread and humiliation fill me as pieces of last night start to come together slowly in my mind, forming a fragmented but clear picture. Jace watches me carefully as images of the mortifying situation from last night became clearer. I remember small details- how his fingers had felt against my thigh, the dark and delicious look in his eyes as he returned my torture, feeling so in control. And I hate how good those memories were.
With a sickened groan, I launch myself off of the bed and sprint to my bathroom, locking the door firmly shut behind me before stumbling to the counter, my fingers gripping the edge so hard my knuckles were white. My chest was heaving as I drew in a ragged breath after another, fighting back tears. What had happened to me? A little alcohol and I'm in lingerie on Jace's lap?
Whore.
The word flashes through my subconscious, in the voice of Valentine after a drink. He had called me that only once, but it had stuck. His whiskey soured breath was still sharp on my face as he sneers at me, lips drawn back in a viper smirk. He'd caught my eyes lingering a split- second too long on a servant boy, practically the only glimpse of male beauty I had ever had. Valentine had backhanded me, claiming I was no better than my mother, that he felt sorry for my future husband.
My fingernails are bending against the marble. I hated that word, and still do.
I ran through all of the chants I always said to myself. You are Valentine's daughter, but you are not damaged like him. His words mean nothing. You are fine, you are queen. Like your mother. I shudder as I try to relax, the thought of all the times I had let my guard down and acted puerile and naïve with Jace disgusting me. Realization seems to hit me so hard, realizing how I let him run his hands all over me, even after he had sneered at me when we first met. What was I thinking? How could I just become companions with him after such a short time? This wasn't right. This wouldn't have been what my mother would have wanted.
My hands finally stop shaking as I turn on the faucet and splash cold, refreshing water onto my face, killing whatever leftover fog that was in my mind. I meet my own green eyes in the mirror, looking back at myself firmly. My petite face was set with determination, unmovable. With a small sigh I push away from the counter, my fingers aching. I walk to the closet and shed my lingerie, stuffing it in the hamper. I chose one of my most modest dresses, not bothering with makeup and letting my hair rest on my shoulders. I clean up and calmly walk into the bedroom, my eyes green stones.
They focus on Jace, who was sitting on a chair in the corner. He had showered and changed, and my heart gave a quick pang when I saw him. It hurt how gorgeous he was.
I approach him calmly, and his eyes flick up the second I get close. He looks unnerved, as if he had no idea what my reaction was going to be. He raises his eyebrows when I stop in front of him, my hands clasped behind my back.
My voice is calm, polite. "I'd just like to apologize for my inappropriate behavior last night and getting intoxicated. I assure you it won't happen again." I say as if in a business meeting. I go to turn but Jace stops me with a hand on my shoulder. He turns me to face his concerned and confused face.
"I'm not sure I understand you Clary." He began slowly. "Are you sure you're okay?" He looks unsure, and a bit anxious. I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek.
"I'm perfectly fine thank you, and I was just apologizing for my out of line behavior last night."
He gives me a look. "I never said it was out of line."
I return it with a gaze as blank as paper. "Well, I did. And I assure you, it won't be happening again."
I go to turn away again, but this time Jace gets up to block my way. I look up into his annoyed and exasperated face, my feet stopping. "Don't do this."
"Do what?" I ask. He sighs angrily and runs a hand through his hair.
"You know damn well what I mean. You're closing yourself off. Now it's back to the untouchable Clary with the ice cold walls up." he almost shouts, clearly agitated. He seems to be glowing with a sort of feverish energy, a bright aura of gold that seems to seep through him.
My eyebrows rise a fraction of an inch. "What made you think they were ever down?"
He stares at me. Simply stares at me, frozen in time. Finally, he shakes his head angrily, and I sense his cold wall coming up. "Fine. Now I see- I guess I shouldn't have wasted my time trying for you anyways." His tone is so frosty I almost wince. He straightens up and whirls on his heels, walking out of the bedroom and leaving me alone. I stand still, the words that were spoken that part of me wanted to take back my only company.
~o.O.o~
"Oh, it's beautiful!" Agatha gushes, pins sticking out of her mouth. Her adoring blue eyes meet mine in the mirror, her mouth stretched into a wide smile. I gave her a small smile as best as I could, my heart caught in my throat. The shimmery gold material of my wedding dress clung to my skin, falling in a silky waterfall around me. It was strapless, the gold corset was not too tight, and outlined my torso well, the golden skirt falling all the way to the floor. The shimmering material seemed to glow with the stitched in runes, whispering the meaning hidden behind them. The few runes I have are prominently displayed, and I was told I would be marked even more for the wedding. My hair was in its normal curls, falling down my waist. I tried to keep smiling, but I felt miserable. In a matter of weeks, I'd be in this dress and married to Jace. Even though I hadn't even talked to him in two days.
I wince at the thought of the past few days, the tension that was palpable between us. He barely bothered to look at me when we were in the same room, which was usually only at meals or at night. Not a single word was exchanged, and I was slowly becoming more and more agitated. I didn't think it would be this hard, but every nerve end in my body constantly stung when I saw him. My eyes were attracted to the smallest parts of him; his gold eyes, the perfect shape of his soft, pink lips, the set of his chin, his hands that were constantly moving, fidgeting with something. Despite my resolve to say away from him, my body remembered his sure grip, the way his eyes clouded over slightly when we kissed; everything.
The door bangs open and Isabelle marches in, her hands in fists. Her feet skid to a stop and she looks exasperated beyond belief. Her eyes skip over all the details of the room, zeroing in on me. The stubborn set of her jaw softens slightly when she takes in what I'm wearing. "Clary, is that…"
I nod feebly, turning slightly so my skirt billows out. "It's my wedding dress." I say meekly. She sighs and steps forward, one of her hands outstretched as if to run her fingers through the gossamer material.
"It's beautiful." She admits, raising her eyes to meet mine. She seems to snap back into focus, and looks annoyed again. "I need to talk to you." She demands. I raise my eyebrows.
"Talk." She glances around pointedly at Agatha and the handmaids, and I motion for them to leave. They all quickly bow out, and I move to sit in a fragile chair near the pedestal. Isabelle stays standing, her hands on her hips.
"What's going on between you and Jace?" She demands. I sigh, slumping in my chair slightly.
"Why is it you seem to spend so much time at our castle? Don't you have your own kingdom?" I ask, exasperated as well. She waves it away, but not before something flashes in her eyes. I choose to ignore it.
"Never mind that, answer my question Clary." She states firmly. I fidget with the dress, unsure on how to answer.
"I don't know. I guess I just got fed up with him constantly using sex appeal to distract me." I say weakly with lack of better argument. Not like I could tell her I felt like I was being a whore.
Her eyebrows shoot up and disappear into her hairline. She puts out a hand, as if for clarification. "Clarissa Morgenstern, are you telling me Jace being insufferably gorgeous and willing to have sex with you is a problem? Jace may be a brother to me, but I've come to a mutual understanding that any guy being attractive and attracted to you is a good thing."
I sigh tiredly and get up, walking over to the mirror impatiently. "I worded that wrong. What I'm trying to say, is that Jace and I have known each other for around five weeks. And you know what I woke up to a couple of days ago? Me in lingerie and a drunken memory of me throwing myself at him the night before, actually begging him to have sex with me." I turn to look at Isabelle, who looks surprised. "And frankly, I know nothing about Jace, or the type of person he is. But I do know I'm not the type of person to simply want sex from somebody based off of how they look."
Isabelle opens her mouth as if to say something, but I'm not finished. "Jace knows how easy it is to get to me, all he has to do is kiss me or touch me. And I loathe that he has the power to do that Isabelle. So I'm deciding not to give him it." I finish off strongly, my gaze defiant. Isabelle is quiet, contemplating. I look at her for a moment longer, then I sit down and begin to run my fingers through my hair, pushing it back and beginning to braid it out of my face.
"And is ignoring each other the best way to do that?"
My fingers freeze in my hair, and I look at Isabelle's reflection in the vanity I'm seated in front of. "Clary, I understand where you're coming from. Don't think I don't. But I also think you're underestimating Jace. He's not some cold demon who can't love. He's just as capable of caring as you are. So please, instead of acting all high and mighty and saying no to him as if he's some child who needs scolding, you should attempt to make some headway with him. He's more stubborn than you, so unless you actually tell him what you want, you two can never talk again for all he cares." She stops, her eyes locked with mine in the reflection of the mirror. There's a moment of tense silence around us, then Isabelle simply turns on her heel and walks out.
My hands fall out of my hair and catch my head as I groan, angry more at myself than Isabelle. I know she's right, which is what stings the most. I hate not being right. I raise my head tiredly and look in the mirror at the circles underneath my eyes that had been there for the past couple of days. Part of me is miserable, even if I couldn't admit it. Damn Isabelle.
"Agatha!" I call, and she bursts in. Her blue eyes are eager as ever, and so cheerful. I couldn't remember the last time I was really cheerful like that. "Please help me take this off; I have to do an errand."
She nods and helps me, and draws off the dress with assurance she would make the necessary changes as soon as she could. I slip back into my lavender dress and finish my original braid so my hair was a fiery rope down my back. I blow back the stray curls impatiently and start to walk through the castle. I had absolutely no idea where Jace's office was; Simon had helped me find it last time and he was nowhere in sight. I sigh in frustration and make a turn into what I think is the right hallway. Daylight streams through the stained glass windows as I walk to what looks like the right pair of double doors and open them quietly, stepping into the room.
And biting back a gasp of shock as I saw who was standing in the middle.
Magnus the warlock had hold of Alec Lightwood, Isabelle's brother by the waist, and the two of them were locked in a passionate embrace. Alec's hands were twined into Magnus' purple spikes, somehow finding their way through all that gel. I stumble and attempt to back out of the room, accidently hitting my shoulder on the doorjamb.
They break apart and whip their heads to where I was standing, and Alec and Magnus launch themselves away from each other. Magnus looks mildly shocked while Alec looks horrified, a hand over his swollen lips.
"I-I'm so sorry!" I gasp, stumbling out of the room and into the bright hallway. I blink and start to hurry away, but Alec's shout stops me.
"Wait!" He calls, and I turn reluctantly to see Alec sprinting towards me, looking desperate. I ignore his wild blue gaze as he skids to a stop in from of me, breathless from either the run or the kiss.
"Clary, look at me." I slowly raise my gaze to his, his electric blue eyes fierce and desperate. He looked like a young boy, his black hair sticking out and his cheeks flushed pink. A pang of sympathy runs through me. "Please don't tell anyone." He whispers brokenly, looking miserable. I draw my eyebrows together.
"Oh, do people not know about you two?" I ask hesitantly. He hesitates again, and I remember learning about gay members of society, how they were often looked down on by shadowhunters. Oh, that's what people didn't know.
"Never mind, I understand. And don't worry, I won't breathe a word." I assure him. He looks shocked, and reels back slightly.
"Really?" He asks in shock, as if he expected me to hang banners spreading the truth. "Not even to Jace?"
I shake my head kindly. "Not if you don't want me to." I say, putting as much sincerity in my tone as I could. He nods slowly, his eyes contemplating. They were a gorgeous shade, a shade I never have seen before.
"Thank you." He says quietly, and I nod again. He hesitates a moment, then turns quickly and starts to walk away.
"Alec?" I call. He turns back hesitantly, only to find me grinning. "You two are adorable together, by the way."
I turn and walk away from his shocked expression. I smile softly, my mood slightly lifted.
A maid passes me, and I stop her and ask for directions to Jace's office. I follow the path she gave me until I arrive in front of doors that look similar to the ones before. This time, I knock hesitantly.
His deep voice tells me to come in, and I close my eyes for a moment before pushing the doors open. I close them lightly behind me with a click, and I turn to face Jace. He is busy writing something, the ink still shining as he wrote rapidly, the words lightly smeared by his hand. I step forward, and he raises his head at the sound of my heels against the mahogany flooring. His hand freezes and I catch my breath as he looks at me directly for the first time in days. I really missed those eyes.
"Yes?" he asks, studying me with an eyebrow rose. I open my mouth slightly, but the words I had prepared vanished from my mind and left me dazed and silent. I stutter a syllable or two, feeling nervous under Jace's intense gaze. Finally, I blurt the first thing that comes to my mind.
"The wedding planners wanted to know if you would rather have the cake be red velvet or vanilla." I manage to stutter out, my palms sweaty. I hadn't talked to him in what seemed like an eternity, and his demanding presence seemed to fill every vacant spot in my brain. Jace raises another eyebrow at my question.
"You came to me," He begins slowly. "To ask me what cake I want at our reception?"
"We could also get German chocolate."
He drops the pen and leans forward on the desk, clasping his hands, his intense gaze fixed on me. "Red velvet, but no cream cheese frosting." He says after a moment. I nod jerkily and turn, desperate to get out and gather my nerves. "Wait."
I pause, gazing longingly at the door. I turn reluctantly back to Jace, avoiding his eyes. "Yes?"
He waits a minute, and my min races with the possibilities of what he could say next. "Tell them to make sure there are no cucumber sandwiches. I hate cucumber."
My gaze flicks up to his momentarily in surprise, just to find him writing again, ignoring me. I sigh inwardly and mutter an agreement and turning, fumbling with the door knob until I burst out into the hallway, gulping air into my lungs. That was way too hard.
I slump in resignation and head toward the bedroom. No way was I talking to him today.
Hey!
So, I know you guys waited a long time for this, and it may be a little disappointing. But, with life going the way it is, it's a miracle I managed to grind this out guys. I am so so so sorry I left you guys hanging like that, but I promise you I will not abandon any of my stories. I'm going to finish this and Love Isn't Optional, then I'm going to restart Expect the Unexpected okay! I will not abandon these!
Love you guys. Review please
Madeline
