Ch. 8 A Secret Revealed

When you see yourself in a crowded room

Do your fingers itch, are you pistol-whipped

Will you step in line or release the glitch

Can you fall asleep with a panic switch

~Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups

He was always there for me, in the end- no matter what happened to me, he would be there to help me up. He did so countless times before "the incident," and countless times afterwards.

I always seem to get ahead of myself, don't I?

When the Christmas holidays had ended, Ginny and I were both in a rather nervous mood. There had been no word of Luna and, what's more, Ron had disappeared without word or note. I, ever the optimist, thought he had finally found a way to find Harry and Hermione. Ginny, who had seen too much of this war, thought he had been taken right from under Bill and Fleur's nose.

The Hogwarts express was, thus, lifeless, but Seamus tried desperately to cheer the two of us up as Neville murmured words of a more soothing nature. But neither of them seemed to bring us outbox our funk, seeing as neither of them knew why we were in our funk.

Neville got up with Ginny to talk to the Patil twins and Lavender, as well as other members of the DA, in another compartment. Oddly enough, Seamus did not go with them. I had an excuse- I hadn't been getting a lot of sleep due to the Neville (and now Ron) conundrums and was too exhausted for Lavender's chatter.

"So did you have a nice holiday, Maggie? Besides whatever it is that's bothering you and Ginny," Seamus paused.

"Yeah," I shrugged, "It was nice and relaxing actually."

"Good, good," Seamus paused, "I'm sorry I didn't visit, but it's hard enough to get me out to school when there aren't a bunch of death eaters who'd like to kill me, you know?"

"Of course, Ireland is pretty far away," I nodded with a smile. There was a small awkward silence after that- awkward only because Seamus kept opening and closing his mouth like he wanted to say something but was changing his mind.

"Oh fine, I'm just going to say it... Um... Maggie, I was wrong about you in the beginning. You are a pretty cool lass," he smiled warmly.

"Oh thanks," I laughed,"I'm glad I won your trust in the end, really and truly. You're pretty cool too, Seamus."

He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head, "Yeah... It's more than that though... Um... I know this is the last thing anyone should be thinking about right now, and you'll probably scold me... But maybe that's why one should think about it, because the future is so uncertain... I dunno. What I do know, in the end, is how awesome you and really, um... How much I think I'd... Like to go out with you sometime?" he was blushing furiously and I felt heat rise to my own cheeks before I could cast the spell to stop it.

"Oh! Um..." I felt so awkward and, in the end, awful for what I was about to say, "I'm sorry, Seamus, I... I only like you as a friend... I kind of like someone else."

"Neville?" he asked bitterly. My eyes widened in shock.

"How...? I only realized it over the holidays..." I gasped.

"Well, if you didn't realize it, the rest of the DA saw it as inevitable," Seamus sighed, "I was fighting fate, I suppose."

"No, no!" I sighed, "I am really sorry, Seamus. Truly, I am. Please, let's still be friends. No awkwardness. I couldn't bare that."

He watched me for a moment before nodding, "Yeah, it was a stupid idea anyway. Plus, Neville would probably k-" Seamus stopped talking, as though as he had said too much. I glared at him.

"Seamus..." he smiled innocently at my warning, "What were you going to say..."

"Yeah, say it Seamus!" Neville suddenly laughed, reentering the compartment with Ginny. Ginny rolled her eyes and sat down, talking to me directly about Lavender's latest boy escapade. I listened dutifully, annoyed as Seamus sat across from us with a relieved smile on his face. Lucky bastard.

I made the biggest mistake of my life that February. It was almost Valentine's Day, and though every year of my life previously I had no reason to give much attention to the holiday, this year my heart started hammering at the mention of it. Somehow, someway, I was going to tell Neville that day. It seemed the most cliched and therefor the best. And, in my endless nervousness, I complained to the only person who knew about my feelings, whom I had sworn to secrecy.

Seamus Finnegan.

"Look," he paused, "why don't you just tell him in a situation that's masked as something else and then casually slip it into the conversation? Like you'll just be playing chess and then you randomly say 'Um, I like you. And check.'"

Turns out I was good at chess. Huh.

"Maybe not while playing chess, I've been beating him a lot lately and I think he's sick of it," I smiled fondly, "Though I like the idea. I think I know just what I'll do."

"Are you going to tell me?" Seamus laughed as we continued to walk to the Gryffindor common room.

"Nope, it's top secret," I grinned, "See yeah!"

Seamus rolled his eyes and went to his next class as I went into the common room. Lately, Neville had been asking a lot about hand magic, and when I had let slip that you could learn how to do it even as an adult he had begged me to teach him, arguing that it would be a good skill to have in a battle, whenever that may be. And he had a point, the problem is that you had to get a tattoo on your hand and I had never done it before, though I had been taught how.

So, I went up to him in the common room and sat next to him on the couch.

"Hey," he laughed, his face instantly lighting up at the sight of me so that my heart would do that stupid fluttering thing again. God dammit, that should be illegal.

"Hey," I grinned, "Um, I was thinking that on Saturday," Valentine's Day, no big deal, I added mentally, "I could try giving you that tattoo so we could start training?"

"Yeah!" Neville agreed eagerly, "That is an excellent idea!"

"Ok," I laughed, "We'll have to do it near Madam Pomphrey's office. If I screw up, I want us to be a hop, skip and a jump away from a nurse."

He nodded in agreement, smiling nervously- smiling because he was finally getting this, nervous because it was dangerous. I had been very clear on that point. I smiled, though more nervous than he. I wad going to tell him how I feel.

This had to be a mistake.

Thus, that Saturday, I found myself holding Neville's hand, palm up, in a deserted corridor near Madam Pomphrey's office. My index finger on my left hand (the one for my hand magic) was delicately tracing the outline of two hands, palms out, with a circle intersecting them meaning to symbolize a ball of light energy that would function as magic. It was hard going; I constantly found myself more nervous than I should have been due to the presence of Neville's hand in mine. He made jokes, in the meantime, in order to dispel the tension and distract him from the pain. I was doing my best, but magic does hurt.

"When do I actually get to learn?" he finally asked, eagerly so.

"In about a week; the tattoo needs time to solidify with your bloodstream. Though, don't worry, as this is the only real part that hurts," I smiled reassuringly at him and he laughed.

He sighed and winced a my magic beam cut through his skin.

"Don't worry; the pain doesn't last long," I soothed, "Mine has never hurt me and I've had it since I was a baby."

Neville nodded and looked directly into my eyes, causing me to become distracted once again. I bit my lip and quickly looked away, my heart pounding even more than it had been- a feat I had considered impossible.

"I... I'm glad you came here, Mags," he offered, and I smiled giddily in response.

"Yeah?" I responded, reaching some of the final stages of the tattoo and realizing I had to drop the bomb soon.

"Well yeah," Neville paused, "I would never have met you if you hadn't. And, even though I wouldn't have realized it... I'd be missing out on something vital t-to me..." he blushed furiously and I tried hard to ignore the pounding of my heart as I began to finish the tattoo by creating direct links to his bloodstream.

"I'm glad I came too, I just wish my mother hadn't," I paused, "I would have missed you without knowing I missed you."

Neville beamed in response before wincing as I redirected one of his capillaries. Unfortunately, that meant we were done.

"You did excellently through this whole thing, Nev, bravo. We're done," I paused, examining my handiwork and not letting go of his hand, "And, um... By the way... I li-"

"Ms. Johnson, Mr. Longbottom, get your asses back to... What..." Alecto Carrow had just turned the corner to find us and, mid scold, saw that my left hand was currently alight like a wand tip and my wand definitely wasn't out.

"Where is your wand, half-blood?" she demanded in a dangerously low voice. My heart was still pounding, but for distinctly different reasons than before. My mouth was dry and my palms instantly started sweating.

"Up... Up my sleeve," I offered. Neville, who had gone deathly pale next to me, nodded in fervent agreement.

"You are wearing short sleeves, mutt," Alecto hissed.

My mind went blank.

"How do you do magic without a wand?" she continued, her voice now commandingly terrifying.

"Um... Magic?" I offered lamely, wanting to run away as fast as I could. Alecto stepped forward menacingly, and as I backed up to escape her the tide turned very quickly. Violently, she reached out to grab my arm and, what seemed to be instinctually, Nevill wrapped his arm around me to keep me away from her. Alecto hissed and wrenched me forward out of his grip, causing me to stumble across the floor. Neville tried to get me back by holding steadfastly to my hand, wrenching me away from Alecto, but her grip was too strong. Desperate, and watching me struggle with terror in his eyes, Neville rush forward and violently attacked Alecto to get her to release her grip on me. After a few moments of violent struggle and desperate shouts from me and Neville, Alecto pulled out her wan and with a blast of energy knocked Neville onto the ground. Almost in the same instant, she whipped out a knife and held it right up against my throat.

I was trapped.

Neville pulled out his own wand and snarled, "Let her go."

"I am afraid I cannot. Knowledge that she possesses will be invaluable to the Dark Lord," she paused, "And I will kill her if you do not back away and go back to your common room, swine."

Neville watched me desperately, hopelessness evident on his facial features. As I felt tears leak out of my eyes, I mouthed "go." It took him a while to accept it and comply, but when he did he ran away with a determined expression on his face.

"Well, mutt," Alecto cackled, "Let's see what makes you crack.

I gulped as she dragged me down to the dungeons and magically chained me to the wall, in a spread-eagle-like posture. I watched her defiantly as she pulled out her wand.

"How do you perform magic without a wand, bitch?" she snarled.

"I will never tell," I spat in response.

She glared at me before producing her wand and slashing it across the air in front of my face. I felt a horrible stinging sensation and cried out in pain. She repeated the process, scratching my arms and legs and chest, shouting at me to tell her the secrets. Eventually, I stopped screaming, though the pain was unbearable, and resorted to silent sobbing.

She stopped her magical torture and pulled out that hateful knife, and my sobs suddenly became loud and more wail-esque than anything else. She held the knife up to my chin, so I could see every one of those grotesque little warts on her face, and hissed, "Tell me, you muggle loving slut."

I moaned, "Never," and screamed as she traced a long scar across my shoulder. But even that did not loosen my tongue; it only created a huge mess and exhausted my vocal chords.

"Tell me, you insolent twerp!" she screamed. Despite the drying blood on my neck, I managed to shake my head no.

"Then this is your own doing," Alecto paused, and pointed her wand at me, "Crucio!"

The pain was beyond screaming, but I screamed anyway. I felt like my entire body was being ripped apart and set on fire. I wanted to die- I begged to die. It felt like someone was stabbing me over and over and over again. It seemed to go on for days and days, but the longest it could have gone on without me going completely insane was just thirty minutes.

But it did end, because if I went insane she wouldn't have found out how hand magic worked- not that she would find out anyway. I was released from the pain and began to sob uncontrollably. Why couldn't I be free? Why couldn't I just die and not have to suffer anymore?

"Fine," Alecto paused, smiling sinisterly, "If I can't get you to talk, perhaps my brother can." She walked out of the dungeon, leaving me to sob and bleed by myself.

I said no words, unable to form proper coherent sentences in my post-agony state of mind. The only thing that really came to my mind was the faces of the people I wanted to see the most: Thailus, my mom, my dad, Elena, Neville. Oh God... I was going to die down here...

The door to the dungeon opened and the other hateful Carrow entered, a sinister expression comparable to his sister's on his face. I wanted to start crying again, but I resisted, pulling myself together to resist whatever evil thing he had planned for me.

"How do you do it, bitch?" Amycus hissed in a very low and dangerous voice. I managed to whisper, "Not telling," though my voice was hoarse from all the screaming.

"Tell me now, and I'll let you go free," Amycus offered, a grin on his ugly face.

"I still won't tell," I hissed, trying my hardest to not start crying again.

"Fine, slut," he paused, "Then this is your own fault."

And, before I knew what was happening, I was suddenly naked with the flip of his wand and he was pulling off his robes.

My immediate reaction was to scream.

Hours later, everything hurt. Everything. I felt like I was broken into a million tiny pieces from the cumulative effect of what the Carrows did. Blood and… other liquids… were all over me and I couldn't stop sobbing no matter how hard I tried.

When Amycus had… finished… he left me, spitting in my face and stomping out of the dungeon in a huff. I wanted them to give up and let me go, but I knew I would probably be murdered before that happened. And now, it must have been dinner, and yet, I still was here.

I felt like I was looking at my life through a television screen; everything felt unreal an as if it had happened to someone else. And yet, I still was hurt. I just hadn't realized yet how hurt.

I felt more violated than anyone could possibly imagine and more shattered than a broken glass window. I wanted to die, for it all to end now. I was so weak by this point that any amount of hand magic usage would probably kill me; I only waited because I wanted to take one of those mother f***ers with me in a huge burst of energy.

The chains that held me to the wall were starting to cut into my wrists and ankles, exacerbating my already wounded body and soul and mind.

The door to the dungeon then opened again, and I readied myself and my hand magic. This would have to be quick; I couldn't risk her torturing me again or him raping me again. I just… I couldn't go through with it again. I would have rather died and that was what I was planning to do. But the sight that greeted me didn't cause feelings of extreme revulsion to course through me; more feelings of endless relief.

Ginny.

"OK we're going to do this quick- Bloody hell," Ginny screamed when she actually looked at me, "What the… What in the name of Merlin did they do to you?"

"Alecto tortured me," I paused, collecting myself, "Amycus… Amycus raped me…"

Ginny almost threw up on the floor, but instead waved her wand and the clothes returned to my person and I was released from those God-awful chains. I fell to the floor, my legs and knees too weak for me to stand.

"Come on Maggie, I only managed to distract them for so long, I'm going to have to go into hiding and we need to get you to the Common Room!" Ginny begged, helping me up. I gathered all my strength and managed to sprint, whilst limping, with her through the school, hearing a giant commotion in the Great Hall as we passed it.

"I managed to explode their dinners in their faces and send on them my infamous bat bogies," Ginny explained, "Though, I made the spell go on a loop, so until Flitwick or McGonagall, but most likely Snape, feels like helping them they won't really be able to escape them."

I smiled at her in thanks as we reached the Common Room.

"OK, it was obvious that it was me, and they won't hesitate to kill me or send me directly to Voldy himself. Good luck," Ginny paused before hugging me gently, aware of my scars and bruises, "Don't leave the Common Room."

"Thanks," I whispered, "Good luck to you too… Find Fred and George," who had recently gone into hiding themselves.

"That's the plan. Bye!" and Ginny ran off through the corridors and I limped into the Common Room.

I fell on the couch, my head whirring with chaotic thoughts that I couldn't even dream of organizing. I hugged my knees to my chest and felt myself shake uncontrollably, though I no longer seemed to cry. It had finally hit me what exactly had happened and what exactly I had lost.

Soon enough, the Gryffindor entourage entered the Common Room. Neville ran forward to me and immediately pulled me in his arms, and though I felt dirty and violated I did not recoil from the touch.

"What happened, Maggie?" Professor McGonagall demanded, using my first name for the first time in the whole six months I had been at the school.

I looked up, mainly at Neville, with bloodshot eyes and shook my head. I couldn't talk. Everything was broken.

"Please, Maggie," Neville urged, "Just a synopsis."

I swallowed, shaking madly, and mumbled, "Alecto tortured me with Sectumsempra, her knife, and Crucio," Neville breathed in sharply and held me closer to him as everyone around us gasped and cried out in outrage.

"Amycus raped me," I added, my voice unsteady and my hands shaking in my lap.

Silence.

Neville's grip on me only tightened, though he looked confused as to whether he should be holding me tighter or giving me space at this latest revelation. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to forget everything from that awful, awful day; I just wanted to sleep for a very long time.

I suddenly felt a warm sensation course over me, and I looked up to see Professor McGonagall performing a complex series of enchantments over me. I blinked, trying to indicate that I was confused, but I couldn't manage much more in the ways of communication at the moment.

"There. Your scars have stopped bleeding, whatever fluids are on your body are now cleaned up, and you're not pregnant," she paused, "I can't do much more for any more… mental and emotional… wounds you may have. Did you tell them?"

I shook my head, but buried my face in Neville's chest to try and communicate that I didn't want to communicate any more. Sleep. Sleep was all I wanted.

I heard everyone around me shuffle, but no one spoke. More people- Seamus, Lavender and Parvati- sat on the couch with us, but I had no idea why. I was just trying to not fall apart into a million little pieces.

Later on, I hear McGonagall whisper instructions to Neville, Lavender, Parvati and Seamus to make sure I was never alone in the common room even if that meant someone had to ditch class (what did it matter anyway, she even said,) and to make sure I bathed, slept and ate. They took the job very seriously, though the person who seemed to do everything but bathe me and help me dress was Neville, though I was too in shock to really consider what that could mean. And what would it mean, anyway?

Nothing seemed to mean much to me anymore, not even when Neville finagled Thailus' calling through the Floo. I saw him, I knew what it should have meant that he was there… but I couldn't even muster up a word of hello.

Thailus' roar of outrage, pain, and hopelessness filled the school and apparently caused alarm on the part of many teachers and students. Professor Snape, God bless him (for he had made sure to keep the Carrows distracted long enough so that Ginny could rescue me, I later found out) argued it away as the roaring of one of Hagrid's many monsters.

I know that I stayed like this for two whole weeks only because my mates told me so after I finally woke up. To me, it felt like the same hour replaying over and over in my head, no matter how hard I tried to block it out: Alecto torturing me, Amycus raping me. Instant replay… Instant replay… Instant replay…

On the last day, I had a funny feeling Neville was trying to stop me from shaking but I couldn't really tell much else around me. Seamus might have been cracking jokes, I don't know. What I do remember, the first thing I remember with my usual sane clarity, is McGonagall coming in and saying, "Well, Maggie… I've finally arranged an escape route for you, now that You-Know-Who has a price on your head it will be hard but…"

Shock.

No.

This new emotion and though must have shown on my face because McGonagall abruptly stopped talking. I composed myself for the first time in two weeks and stood up, causing everyone around me to enter into their own kinds of shock.

"I am not leaving," I declared, my voice hoarse and my eyes ablaze.

McGonagall opened her mouth to protest, but I cut her off.

"Do you realize the satisfaction that'll give them? That'll give Voldy and every other scumbag that works for the son of a bitch?" I screamed, "I am not going to let this break me. I'm sorry I already did, I'm sorry that I have been a lump, but leaving? Leaving is giving up. Leaving is telling them that they win and they have one less enemy, for by letting me leave the country at least they've gotten something they've wanted: my absence. No. They can't know how to perform hand magic and they can't have the satisfaction that they've scared me away. No. NO. NO!" I roared, stomping my foot on the ground, "They may have broken me, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not dead yet."

Everyone watched me in shock, though Seamus (in typical Seamus fashion) looked like he was about to cheer really, really loudly. Even Neville looked tempted to clap. McGonagall watched me carefully for a long time before nodding in acceptance.

"I honestly didn't expect anything else from you, Maggie," she paused, "And I do admire your courage. Just… for your own safety and sanity, don't leave this room. The four that have been caring for you will bring you food, I promise." She hesitantly put her hand on my shoulder before leaving.

I remained standing, and I had to take a few deep breaths to stop myself from returning to my catatonic state. I then turned around to face my friends for the first time since I had left them.

Neville's face is the sharpest image I have from that moment. His look clearly said, in ways that I cannot even explain, I will never let this happen to you again. I swallowed and sat next to him, and the rest of the gang gathered around anxiously.

"Hi honey," Neville murmured softly, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. My heart skipped at least ten beats.

"Do you need anything? Anything at all?" Seamus offered, sitting on the other side of me and patting my arm.

"I can cut his balls of," Lavender offered, completely serious. I laughed weakly, making Parvati smile in relief.

"I don't really need anything that I don't already have around me," I smiled weakly at them, "Though, I probably should apologize to Thailus."

Neville nodded urgently, "Yeah… he didn't take it well at all. Though, it seems you remember this?"

"It's really the only thing I do remember from this time," I mumbled. Everyone nodded, gently patting my knee (Lavender) or shoulder (Parvati) or arm (Seamus.) Neville just wrapped his arm around my waist and closed his eyes.

"Don't scare me like that again, please," Neville paused. Another round of agreeing nods went through and I smiled.

"I'll try," I whispered.

"Seriously, this is what, the second time you've gone catatonic on us?" Lavender laughed, "Though both instances are completely, utterly understandable, it does get very scary."

I smiled and nodded again, feeling more and more comfortable by the minute. Soon enough, everyone but Neville, the ever-present, left. I was trying to compose the rest of myself and failing miserably as he sat next to me and held me close to him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly after a while, "You do not have to, but maybe it'll help…"

I looked at him for a long time and realized that he was the only person, sans Thailus, that I could tell- and talking probably would help in the end.

"I… I… I…" I swallowed, "I've never wanted to die so much before in my entire life."

Neville breathed in sharply and held my upper arms loosely, looking directly into my eyes and trying to steady my now labored breathing with his gaze.

"She… She… It hurt so… it hurt so much," my words turned to sobs at the end, and he held me close to him as I sobbed in his chest.

"I want to kill her. I want her to suffer. No one should perform that curse on anyone and I want her to go to Hell for doing that to you," Neville whispered angrily. I wondered, briefly, at his strong reactions and feelings to the curse, but continued on once I had composed myself and stopped my sobs.

"He… He… He… I feel so… dirty and violated and broken, Nev," I started crying again but this time I knew I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to finish my story, "He kept talking and calling me names and telling me to tell him and was rough with every inch of my body and I never needed to see any part of him naked and I just… I just… I just… He called me a horrible slut, whore, c*** and I started to believe I was one…" the sobs were back.

"You. Are. Not. Any. Of. Those. Things," Neville told me, his voice strong but his eyes kind, "He is just an inhumane bastard who wanted to break you into telling him about hand magic and you know what? You weren't broken. You are stronger than he or his sister could ever be and that drove him nuts. He violated you but for that he is going to burn in hell for years and years as soon as I can kill him," Neville paused, "You've done absolutely nothing wrong at all, Mags. Nothing at all."

I looked at him and had never wanted to kiss him so much in my life, but I refrained. I wasn't ready for anything emotionally trying even if it was good, and who knows- maybe he was really taking the big-brother idea seriously.

I clutched his shirt and sobbed into it until I finally fell asleep, though he was right. Crying- and talking about it- did help me move past something in my head. And sleep, when it did finally come, was not wrought with instant-replay nightmares. I actually think I had a good dream, though I do not remember it today.

A/N: YAY! TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO DAYS! Come on, I get an award for that amount of proliferation, right? Right? Like… reviews? Please? I love this story so much it makes me depressed to see it be so unrecognized.

Side note: Bubbles of Ebil, I love you for being my sole reviewer and giving me a reason to keep going besides my own passionate love of this story. At least someone out there likes it. Yay :)

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