Chapter 9: The Mile High Club… As If!
A/N: Drama, Bah! This is getting back to the funny in a most unexpected way. And sparks fly between Rick and a certain someone…
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Someone needs to invent a time machine so I can go back in time and kill whomever it was that invented ladders. You need upper body strength to lift yourself up the bars, and that is one thing that my genetic donors, a.k.a. parents, did not pass on to me. The big butt and even bigger mouth, of course, but no positive attributes whatsoever. Screw Nature vs. Nurture: this will always suck. If I knew how much exercise was involved, I would've told Steiner to flake off and just gone back to sleep on those stairs. Maybe I would've woken up back home or, even better, in Stars Hollow to have grand adventures with Lorelai and Rory. There is nothing more fun than hanging out with a mother-daughter duo who just happen to talk fast and be slightly touched in the head.
Anyway, back to ladders. They are not pleasant. Right now, I happen to have Zidane's behind right in my face. Not pleasant. It may look good from a distance, but up close it's not. I'm just hoping that there won't be a warm breeze in my face anytime soon.
"Aah!" I hear Dagger scream, followed by some chuckling from Zidane. I almost forgot that he's a pervert. How does my life end up with me underneath a pervert? Not that way, you sick freaks!
"Ooh, soft," he murmurs just soft enough that Dagger can't hear him. Really, I can't hear him, but I know what he's going to say.
"Shut up and get a move on!" I yell over the sound of the starting engine. For emphasis, I give his butt a good swat. Then he proceeds to scream louder than Dagger. Geez, it's not like I groped him. Men can be so uptight. I remember this one time at band camp… Wait. I never was at band camp. Maybe it was just a dream. Eh, who kills? Cares! I mean, who cares? I never killed a counsellor at band camp. Yeah, that's right. Nothing happened.
"Princess!"
Not even Jason Lee could understand the karmic significance of this moment. Dagger looks down at me with a grin before disappearing over the balcony-thing. She so loves me.
"Just move it already. We do have a flight to Lindblum that's getting ready to take off."
Actually, it's already moving. The airship, I mean. It started right after I latched onto the ladder. Just thought that needed clarifying.
"You are such a freak," Zidane mutters as he grabs my arm to help hoist me over the edge and onto the loading platform. Hey, I don't know what it's called. Do I look like some kind of expert flying guy? If I do, then shoot me. Those beat up leather jackets they wear are so hideous that even Kelly Osborne wouldn't be seen in them. "Let's go, Dagger and the others are waiting for us."
"What's Lindblum like?" I ask while peaking over the railing to see the ground flying by below rather quickly before turning into a bunch swirling Mist. Unlike the last time I saw it, the Mist isn't reflecting the sunlight. Now it's just like silver silk. "I've never been there. I guess you would know that, though, what with my not knowing anything about traveling."
"Well, it's a town full of beautiful women who just happen to be in love with me," he says dreamily, all thoughts of actually going inside gone. He leans against the railing, the wind blowing his hair in front of his face. He really should cut it. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to let me get my hands on it. I never mentioned my highly stylized plans for Dagger's hair to anyone, and now I don't think they're even going to come to some sort of fruition: so much for reviving the bob.
"I'm sure they are."
"You don't believe me!" Zidane exclaims in fake disbelief and false offence. "Here I thought we were friends. I'm going to run off and cry now. I hope I don't ruin my makeup!"
"You jerk," I laugh while slapping him playfully. I'm not sure if he's making light of me or someone else, since I never wear makeup. Drag just isn't my thing. That has probably been mentioned several times already, and it probably will be well into the future. Stupid Harvey Firestein and his amazing ability to wear women's clothes.
Then the door to the interior of the ship swings open and Dagger sticks her head out. She's looking directly at me, and she's definitely not smiling. I know this part. It's when Vivi finds the other mages walking around like zombies. Stepford mages. Completely and utterly without thought. Almost like Britney Spears, except without the sluttiness and a soon-to-be-ex-husband nobody likes.
"Rick, Zidane, we need you in here. There's something… It's Vivi. It has to do with what we saw back at Dali."
That last part was spoken to Zidane only.
The three of us look at each other without speaking a word, and then I find myself taking the initiative and pushing past Dagger.
Being inside the airship is a lot different from being out of it. It's colder out there than it is in here, that's for sure. This place feels like an oven. There are gallons of sweat collecting under my arms. It's not a pretty picture, but I'm not the one that gathered the paints, so to speak. Anyway, the weird thing is that it's hot when the engine runs on cold Mist. I didn't remember initially because of the drastic change between Ice Cavern and the cliff, but the temperature change between the Valley of the Mist and Dali is somewhere around twenty degrees, with Dali being the warmer. Isn't Valley of the Mist the name of a movie?
Also, there are about twenty black mages walking around like robots. Vivi is running between them, trying rather unsuccessfully to get their attention. It's like they can't even see him.
"Hey, Cutie," I coo when he returns to the door. I know I'm patronizing him, but there really isn't much that I can do. Emotions and whatnot really aren't my specialty. I'm more superficial than that, as shallow as it sounds. There's too much drama in the world without me having to add my own. "What are you up to?"
"They're ignoring me, like they can't hear me or something," is all he says before wrapping his arms around Dagger's leg. The young woman looks confused as she awkwardly pats his head.
"I'm going to try to find Rusty, okay?"
I have to get out of here. Steiner really isn't what I wanted to bother with right now, but I figure I'll leave it up to Zidane to cheer the munchkin up. A middle-aged, overweight, rust-covered pile of scrap metal needs a good talking to, after all.
There's another ladder to climb, and then a trapdoor set in the ceiling has to be pushed open. When I do so, I encounter brighter sunshine than there had been back in Dali. Maybe it's because we're closer to the fiery orb. After remembering why I'm here, I look around for Steiner but don't see him. He wasn't down in the engine room. Where could Rusty have gone?
A hand is set on my shoulder, and I jump out of shock. Then I turn around and see that it's just Zidane. He has one of those unreadable looks on his face. "Did you find him yet, Princess?"
"Find who?"
"Steiner, you moron," he says with a laugh. He doesn't seem as self-absorbed as he did in the game, but that doesn't change the fact that Zidane can be blunt. He'd better be glad that I'm a nice person. I could be some lunatic who likes to kill things. Sword, gun, magic wand, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is how good I look while doing it. Unfortunately, Pierce Brosnan ruined action for all of us non-British men. No matter what we do, we just can't measure up.
Then I hear it. In Jaws it's the weird music, in Psycho it's the screeching violins, in Queens it's the clicking of twelve-dollar high heels. For me, the sound that means impending doom is the clinking of rusty metal.
Surprisingly, it's not my name that's screamed out. "Princess! Why oh why could I not stop the pilots from taking off? Now you have been left with those criminals and poor Master Vivi." Does he not know we're here? I'm too afraid to turn around and out. He's the opposite of what my parents always wanted in a child: he's heard but not seen. Of course, I always have to be both. There is nothing more interesting in this world or mine than me when I want to be. Except for Oprah, but that's a given.
"Steiner, she's downstairs," I mutter when I turn around and see the knight stumbling and crying. It's almost like he's drunk. There's no way he could've done that. He didn't have the time or the alcohol. Only a Kennedy can get plastered without those necessities.
"Really?" he says with a big smile. That's very unlike Steiner. Scary, almost. Then he notices that it's Zidane and me that he's talking to and does a complete 180. "You two! What have you done with the princess?"
Didn't I just say she was downstairs?
"Calm down, Rusty. She's in the engine room with Vivi," Zidane answers flippantly. He rolls his eyes and scratches his butt. One of these days, if he's still doing that, I'm going to cut his hands off. It doesn't matter how masculine it is, it's disgusting. A man's behind is good for only three things. Two are for the disgusting acts of flatulence and defecation. You figure out the third one and what the first two mean. I'm not entirely sure that I do, and I took two years of high school biology.
"Do not speak to me like that, you filth! When we return to Alexandria, I will see that you two are executed!"
He's going to kill me, I'm the scum of the earth, blah blah… doesn't this guy have anything new? Then again, I could say the same thing about Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney. They're last few albums sound like exactly the same things. You would have thought that Kenny's break-up with Renèe would have given him cause to reach deep into himself and write some music that equates life to something more than a bottle of tequila or a tropical vacation. Though, one would have to wonder why they hooked up together to begin with. He's so obviously not that into… never mind, I don't want to be sued. Lawyers aren't as sexy as Brothers and Sisters makes them appear.
"Hey, Princess," Zidane whispers into my ear while Steiner has his back to us. Something about not wanting to soil his mind with the image of such refuse or some fancy way of calling me trash. "Keep him busy. I have a plan."
Keep him busy? If given the opportunity, Steiner would rant and rave about my shortcomings until the Dusk of the Gods. That's Armageddon, people. Pick up a book sometimes. They're good for more than just propping open windows on hot summer nights in hopes of a cooling breeze or a midnight visitor. Oops, I think I just slipped into one of Billy Bob Thornton's movies. Glad I got out before the racist grandfather got drunk and beat up a mannequin while dressed as a mall Santa.
"You know, Dagger was looking pretty pleased with herself when I ran into her this morning, and my back is kind of stiff despite sleeping in an actual bed," I say rather loudly, catching the knight's attention as they thief sneaks off rather, well, sneakily. And everyone wonders why I'm not acing English. "Do you think they could be related?"
Yep, that did it. Steiner looks seriously ticked off. I haven't seen anyone this mad since Faith Hill lost Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood at the CMAs. If only he were as aesthetically pleasing to look at. If only I knew what "aesthetically" means. Now I wish I'd gotten sucked into Bones, then I could just ask Dr. Brennan. That, and I'd get to stare to David Boreanas. Who wouldn't want that?
Actually, I think it worked a little too well. Steiner has now drawn the sword I bought him back in Dali. That was a bad idea. How do I know it's the one I bought him? It's completely intact, whereas his original one broke when his girth fell on top of it. Yet, this one is already beginning to develop patches of rust. Does he have some sort of Pigpen-esque complex that states anything metallic he touches turns to rust?
"How dare you insult the honour of the princess with such an implication? I shall forego the custom of a trial and behead you now for your slander and malfeasance!" the loon declares as he starts clinking in my direction with the large piece of sharpened rust held over his head. For some reason, my feet won't move. It's like I'm a deer caught in a pair of headlights. At the last second, I dodge and lose some of my hair to his swordsmanship.
He cut my hair. He cut my hair. HE CUT MY HAIR! That is it. I have had it with this guy. Hero or not, I am not putting up with an unwanted hacking of my precious tresses. The MCoDs have been craving blood ever since I first got here, and they're finally going to get it.
"You don't know what you're in for!" I scream at the top of my lungs in a rather high-pitched voice more befitting of a prepubescent little girl. No Ben Stein here. Steiner even looks slightly taken aback. Then it happens: I attack. I leap high into the air, the sun reflecting off my nails, and my fingers curl into their most dangerous of attack positions. Each moment seems to go by in slow motion as I inch closer and closer to the shocked warrior. However, my gym teacher's many, many, many warnings of my inability to judge distance and lack of eye-hand coordination come into contact with my no speed. The knight who wants to kill me bats me away at the last second with the flat side of his sword. To think I thought Elena beating me up hurt. Ow!
"Clearly, I do, you heathen!" he shouts at the top of his voice as he holds that pointy thing at my head. Why am I always the one that gets smacked around? It could be Zidane, but no. It has to be me. I distract Elena, I distract Steiner, I have to buy the medicines for our trip to Lindblum. I couldn't even deal with Reno. Dagger is the one that takes him out. Feelings of inadequacy are starting to develop. Big time.
The airship jerks to the side, and Steiner is thrown to the floor while I slide to the other side of the deck. Zidane had better be steering the thing. Otherwise, I'm not going to be a very happy camper. Anyone who remembers yesterday morning knows how I can get when I'm camping and not happy. People get hurt. Of course, it's somehow always me, but that's not important. Wait. Yes it is!
I climb to my feet, slowly because of the pain, and watch Steiner do the same. The look in his eyes says that he has the same idea as me. Kill the monkey. Zidane would never die at my hands, though. I'd just stand by and watch. Yeah, that's how mad I am right now. I'm tired of getting smacked and thrown around.
Luckily, for me, heavy armour outweighs throbbing back pain, so I reach Zidane first. He's inside the little steering room thing, standing at the wheel with all of these little knobs and valves around him. Cinna so much have taught him how to fly.
"You are so in the doghouse right now!" I mutter as I slide into the room and sit on the floor with my back against the console. Looking up, I see Zidane smiling and happily humming a song that I don't know. Geez, it's like he doesn't even care! "Honey, you could at least have told me what you were going to do. Now I've got an angry Steiner and a sore back to deal with."
"Why not just heal yourself again?" he asks brightly with a wink.
"If I knew how to do it, then I would have, you jerk!" I cry as I open my bag and pull out a potion. This one tastes kind of sweet, like I always imagined wine would. I haven't had wine yet, though. No matter how mature I may seem, I am only seventeen, after all.
"Wonderful, Princess. Because you're incompetent, I'm a jerk." Zidane laughs and shakes his head. I throw the empty bottle at him and miss, which only makes him laugh harder. Shouldn't Steiner be here by now? Someone needs to put Mr. Pilot here in his place. If it weren't for the fact that the potion hasn't completely taken effect yet, I'd do it myself.
Then it happens. Oddly enough, Steiner still isn't here, but the Black Mages show up nonetheless. Faces are devoid of emotion, but I can tell that they're kind of ticked off. If such a thing is possible before their "awakenings."
"Um, sorry. We need to go that way," Zidane tells them nervously as he points in the direction that the airship is currently headed. "We're just borrowing this until we get to Lindblum, okay?"
A voice answers him, but it's neither the black mages nor me. It's Dagger. "Rick, Zidane!" the princess shouts as she burst into the tiny. Her eyes widen at the sight of all the black mages. "Um, am I interrupting something?"
"We're just all getting ready to do our nails and dish on the latest gossip about Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. Care to join?" I offer sarcastically. What? I told you that I was in a bad mood, didn't I? Or did I just say I was angry? Well, I'm in a bad mood, too. So there.
"What are you talking about?"
"I wasn't talking to you!" I shout at Zidane. These black mages must think I'm nuts, if they're capable of thinking yet. Heck, half the time even I doubt I'm able to think straight. Wow, yet another oxymoron. I may just have to become a writer. Iris Johansen, eat your heart out.
"Quit being stupid," he growls as he kicks at me. It doesn't really hurt, but in retaliation, I dig the MCoDs into his leg and he yelps. No blood was drawn since there was a layer of denim between them and his skin. Still, the MCoDs are satisfied… for now. They never did get to rip into the clerk of the inn like they wanted.
Zidane angrily grabs his leg when I release him. He's probably checking to see if I did any permanent damage. I half hope I did.
"Princess! You are so dead!" he shouts. Then he follows up by straddling me and grabbing the front of my shirt and shaking me rather roughly. In an attack reminiscent of my fight with Elena, I grab a handful of his hair and pull, him screaming out an obscenity at the pain.
Suddenly, I realize something. As if reading my mind, my head immediately drops in defeat.
"You okay, Princess?" Zidane wonders when he notices me feebly looking away. Giving up is so unlike me. Believe me, I know. He grabs my wrists and pulls my hands from his head. "Is something wrong?"
"Honey…" I whisper so low that I even I can barely hear it. Slowly, I remove my hands from his grasp and bring my breathing under control.
"Yeah?"
"Get off me!" I scream as I push him onto his back. After that, laughter begins to bubble up until I completely lose control over it. Heavy guffaws escape my mouth rather easily.
"Rick! Zidane!" Dagger cries again. Geez, doesn't she know not to interrupt guys when they're goofing off?
"What?" Zidane and I yell at the same time. Eerie, isn't it?
"It's Steiner. He's unconscious. I left Vivi with him. Now would you two quit fooling around and get out there?"
I scratch my head. There's something we're forgetting.
"If we all go out there, then who's going to steer the airship?" Zidane asks before I can realize that that's the question I was pondering. He stole my question! Now how am I supposed to sound smart and witty if everyone keeps asking my questions?
"I can steer it."
"Don't be silly, Rick," Dagger mutters without humour. "You don't know the first thing about flying."
"I know more than you," I tell her with a flip of my hair. I would stand up for dramatic effect, but Zidane is still on me. Stupid monkey. "Why would anyone bother to teach royalty how to fly? Don't they get their own pilots or something like that?"
"Well," Zidane laughs nervously as he jumps to his feet and all but runs to the door. "I guess I'm the one that's going to see what's up with Rusty. Have fun with whatever this is."
With that, he runs away like voters from the Republican Party. (A/N: Woo hoo! Liberalism is on its way back!) Wuss. If he can't stand the heat, then he'd better stay out of the kitchen.
"You'd better go, Rick," Dagger says. Jarred out of my ruminations, I look around and catch the orange-clad (gross!) girl standing beside me with both hands on the steering wheel thing. On my steering wheel thing! Wait, no, that doesn't sound right. What I mean to say is… I should be steering this ship! She did well in the game, so I know that I can do great. "They need someone out there who can revive Steiner."
"I told you that I don't know how I healed myself!" I shriek in my scary-girl voice as I wave my hands over my head. How many ways can I explain this to her? "It could have just been a fluke."
Dagger shakes her head and gives me that look that says she thinks I'm an idiot. The tone in her voice confirms that that is precisely what she is thinking. "You have the phoenix downs, don't you? The potions and whatever else you bought is in that purse of yours, right? You did pick up the supplies, didn't you? I would hate to learn that you are incapable of accomplishing even that simple of a task."
What is with her attitude all of a sudden? She's being such a… Well, let's just say that she's acting like Raquel Malone after her ascension from majorette to cheerleader. I so should have been the one to make the squad.
"Yes, I bought them. They're right here in my…" I state as I lift the satchel, which looks like it's empty. Then I realize what she just said. "It is not a purse! Men do not have purses: they have man-bags. You're just jealous because you don't have one. That, and your ugly attire. Seriously, orange? Why not just hold up a sign that says: 'Here I am, Mommy! Come and catch me and kill all of my friends!' Seriously, what is wrong with you? Aside from being ugly, those pants are just so… so… PUFFY!!!"
"Richard, you are wearing undergarments with a large yellow stain on your shirt, but I've been courteous enough not to mention it," Dagger tells me rather nonchalantly as she gives the wheel a slight turn. "Now, if you don't mind…"
"It's Rick!" I interrupt with yet another of my patented shrieks. Geez, I've yelled so much today that my voice is going to be as raspy as that of some unknown jazz musician. Hold on. I'm just wearing underwear? "Wait a minute. What do you mean by 'undergarments'? I have more on than Zidane, and I don't see you telling him anything about underwear."
"He is wearing a pauper's clothes, Rick. You are in the under-uniform of a Knight of Pluto. Steiner has already yelled at you several times about it. I'm surprised you did not believe him."
Really? Old Rusty told me that? Hmm, must have been when I wasn't listening to him. Well, things will be awkward when we get to Lindblum. There won't be any time to change, what with the third attack… Crap! I knew I was forgetting something! Steiner was right behind me before I came to the bridge, if that's what this room can be called. He's unconscious now, which must mean that…
"Get away from there!" I shout to Zidane and Vivi as they mill around Steiner's prone body. That makes him sound a little dead, I know, but what else can I call it? They can't hear me, so I start banging on the glass to the window in a failing attempt to catch their attention. "You have to get away from him!"
"Rick?" Dagger asks in that voice that makes it sound like she thinks I'm crazy. I'm becoming very acquainted with that voice lately. "Why would they need to go away from where you need to go?"
Are we still on that? "Steiner was fine when it was just him, Zidane, and me up here. When you guys came up, though, you said he was unconscious. That must mean that there's someone else. Some we don't know about. Unless you think the black mages did it."
As if to answer my question, Zidane comes flying at the window and crashes through it, taking me to the floor with him. Several shards of glass imbed themselves in me and I do what all men do when they're in pain. I suck it up.
"Ow," Zidane groans as he struggles to stand. Then he looks at me and his eyes widen. "Geez, Princess. There's no need to cry like you're some kind of little baby. It's just some glass. Nothing a potion or two won't cure."
"But it really, really hurts!" I bawl as I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. He doesn't have to be so mean.
"Come on, get up," he says with a wince as he offers a hand to me. I take it and he hoists me to my feet. "Chug yourself a potion and get your butt in gear. We can't leave Vivi out there alone."
"He's not alone, Zidane," Dagger says rather loudly. While opening my satchel, I turn my head and look through blurry eyes to see the black mages surrounding Vivi and some blurry figure that I can't make out. If I knew what we were dealing with, I would know what to do. So what if I've never beat a videogame without the use of cheat codes? (A/N: That's actually only half-true. I did beat Legend of Dragoon without cheating, but only after beating it several times while cheating.)
The mages start waving their arms and I can feel the hairs on my arms standing up in anticipation as I finally pull a potion out and pull off the cork without only the minimal requirements of whimpers. See, I am tough after all.
After the taste of peppermint subsides, Zidane grabs my hand and starts pulling me out the door.
"No, I don't want to go!" I scream as I hold onto the doorframe. "Make Dagger do it! She's the one that beat that guy back in Dali! I can steer the ship for you guys!"
"Come on, Princess," Zidane huffs as he grabs my arm with both hands and starts pulling on me rather roughly. "Dagger's doing just fine by herself. We have to help Vivi."
"And Steiner!" Dagger adds with a laugh at my situation. I'm very thankful that the potion pushed the glass out of my skin as it healed me. Otherwise, I would be in a lot of pain right now.
"Whatever." Zidane places one leg on the side of the doorframe that I'm not latched onto. He pulls again and seems even stronger this time, because once again we crash to the floor in one big heap. Can someone say uncoordinated? "Now come on!"
I cry, scream, and kick as I'm drug over the wooden planks. It's not fair, I tell you! Everyone is screaming at me and being mean.
"What did you do that for?" I hear Vivi scream over the roaring of the wind. Hmm, since Dagger has started steering, we seem to be going faster. If we were back on earth, she would probably be one of those old ladies who go 80 mph through a school zone. Speed demons and stuff. That would make a great FOX show, "Granny Racers: the only things faster than their cars are the insults they throw at their daughters-in-law."
"Where are all of those mage guys?" Zidane asks. He stops moving me around, but doesn't let me go. That makes it very hard for me to stand up. As a result, I have to twist around to see just who it is my little buddy is speaking with.
Just as I thought, it's Rude. He looks so cool, with his suit and sunglasses. Plus, he has really broad shoulders that stretch his shirt against his body really well. Unlike Reno, he can actually pull the suit look off. Heck, right now, I'd like to pull it off of him. Wait. He's the bad guy. Not going there.
"Hello there," I say meekly with a wave from my position on the floor. As if remembering that he still has a hold of me, Zidane lets go and I hit the floor painfully before standing up. Okay, this day is getting so much worse than I had planned. Despite being the best looking and sanest of the Turks (Elena falls to last place in both, obviously), Rude is also the toughest if my FFVII experience is to be relied upon. Never really could gauge how strong Tseng was, since you don't fight him in the game. He must have been up there, though. The guy was the leader of the Turks, after all.
Rude doesn't respond. That's very odd. Elena probably would have gone off on some tangent about kicking the crap out of me before doing it, and Reno would definitely have returned the greeting before kicking the crap out of me.
"Don't get chummy with him, Princess," Zidane advises. Come on, does he really think that I'm that stupid? I watched Buffy. I know that allying yourself with the forces of evil always comes back to bite you. Let's just hope it's not as literal for me as it was for Willow and the rest of the Scooby Gang. Come to think of it, we don't have a group name like that. FFVII had AVALANCHE, FFVIII had SeeDs, FFX had guardians and summoners, and FFX-2 had the Gullwings and/or YRP. What should we call ourselves? OH, I know! We'll be "Wonderful Rick and his fabulous friends! Plus Steiner."
"It's called psyching him out," I inform the thief with a shove.
He bonks me on the back of my head rather roughly before addressing Rude. "Leave now, and we won't hurt you. I know you're here for Dagger. I'm afraid I can't let you take her. Not for less than twenty-thousand Gil, anyway…"
This time, it's my turn to hit Zidane. "You idiot! If you do that, I'll wake Steiner up and let him kill you right now."
"I'm just kidding, Mister Priss," he says as he rubs his sore arm. "Since when are you so violent?"
"Since I got you for a friend," I answer. Then I dramatically whirl back to a confused-yet-still-cool looking Rude and point my finger at him. "You may be really hot, but I won't betray my friends for that. Wait! I am not a priss!"
"Yes you are!" Zidane shouts back. "You think I didn't notice, but you compulsively clean your fingernails. Heck, you're doing it right now!"
Looking down, I see that he's right. That doesn't mean I'm prissy, though. I'm just clean.
"Guys," Vivi interrupts. "He just went after Dagger."
Zidane and I both turn around to see Rude calmly walking in the direction of the princess steering the airship. When did he get past us?
"Stop, criminal! Or else face the wrath of Wonderful Rick and his fantastic friends!" I declare with an outstretched finger and imposing demeanor. Rude stops momentarily to regard me with his eyes, which are hidden behind awesome shades. Do sunglasses actually exist here, or are they some kind of import from when he got here? My new outfit would look great with some sunglasses.
The moment is ruined when Zidane smacks me in the back of the head. Could I possibly get an "Ow"?
"Don't ever say that again," he warns. "I am Zidane, not a 'fabulous friend.' Where did that even come from? Whatever you're smoking, I'll probably need after this fight."
Aside from the pain, there's something bothering me about what just happened in the last ten seconds. Zidane asked me for pot. I don't think he was serious, but the very fact that they of its existence here is something that would excite Deadheads for years to come.
Without a word, Rude turns his back on us and continues on his way. I know he's a cretin. That doesn't make it any less impolite. Since when do assassins act like common thieves? On my mother's grave, I swear that I will have him say at least two words to me. So, what if my mother's not dead?
"I thought I told you to stop!" With a speed known only to teenage boys who have been battered like a pancake, I chase down the Turk. He stops just as I reach him. When my hand touches his shoulder, he grabs it and throws me forward. I crash through the glass like Zidane had just moments before. Dagger jumps a little at my sudden arrival. The only way I know is that the ship has some sort of reaction. It swivels jerks rather violently and throws me against the wall. At least there's no glass stuck in me this time.
"Rick?"
"Yeah?" I mutter as I stand up. This has to end soon.
"What is he doing?"
My gorgeous brown eyes look out the one window that has yet to be broken. Rude is staring right at Dagger while holding his left hand up to his ear. He lowers it then checks something on his wrist. The warrior turns and walks to the edge of the airship. Zidane runs at him, but is batted away rather easily. Pathetic almost. Ag least I managed to touch the guy.
Rude climbs up onto the railing, casts one last look in the direction of our princess, and then jumps off. He just jumps off the side of the ship!
"Did anyone else see that?" I ask dumbly.
"Yes. I did," Dagger answers just as dumbly.
We are coming up on South Gate at a rather fast pace. Guess her Highness doesn't know how to steer this thing as well as she thought. I so would have done a better job.
Zidane comes stumbling towards us, as it is suddenly hard to walk normally. There's all of this pressure starting to bear down on me. Dagger's showing signs of strain, too. I grab the wheel to help her keep it straight, and it almost rips my arms off. How was she able to do it by herself?
"Slow down!" the thief screams when he does finally reach us. He grabs the frame of one of our broken windows. "Slow down! We're going to crash into South Gate!"
"I can't!" Dagger screams back. "That man… he did something to the airship!"
Then comes a sound that drives fear so deep I can feel it in my bones.
An explosion throws the airship forward with a jerk, and Vivi begins to lose his balance. Considering how close he is to the edge… I can't watch.
I cover my eyes and cower as aftershocks, or whatever they're called, roll over the thing and I get thrown around a bit. Zidane is shouting, Dagger is screaming, and the wind is whistling through my ears. Rude put a bomb onboard. Rude put a bomb onboard. I figured he wouldn't be able to use magic, so it's not terribly surprising, but HE BLEW UP THE AIRSHIP!
A shadow passes overhead, which means we have to have entered South Gate. I crack my eyes open to catch sight of Zidane leaning over the railing and holding onto Vivi's arm as the mage flails in the wind. We head straight for the closing doors of the gate. Pleasant? No. Will we make it? Probably not.
However, as if to prove me wrong, we do make it. Shortly after, though, the engine sputters and dies. The grounds comes closer and closer. How may crashes will I have to endure until I can get home?
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A/N: That took a bit of time, didn't it? The slapstick in the latter half of this chapter was heavily influenced by Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma ½ manga/anime series. I'm not sure if it worked, but it was definitely fun to write.
Next time, we'll have more cameos, a tour of Lindblum, and we'll meet people that have much more in common with Rick than he ever thought possible…
