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Chapter 8 - There is beauty in the breaking
Quinn woke up feeling well rested, which she hadn't in a long time. She fluttered her eyes open and smiled; Rachel was asleep on her own bed, safe and sound. Her hair was a mess all over her face and there was drool on her pillowcase.
None of that mattered to Quinn, because she knew what it meant – Rachel had slept the whole night in her bed again, without waking up scared and running back to the closet. The whole thing gave Quinn a feeling that it was going to be a nice day.
After breakfast she went to the music room, and even though she wasn't the only one there, she ignored the others and played anyway. She felt light, she was in such a good mood that she didn't care about anyone else; she felt like nothing could bring her down.
When her fingers started to hurt from playing the guitar, she dropped it beside her. She felt rushed; she couldn't stop moving and her mind was running even faster.
In a second, she realized what was going on. Some of her medicines were changed during her last check up. She hadn't put up a fight against it like she always did, because the last change – one yellow pill for two pink ones – had been effective. But now she remembered why she used to be so angry about those pills on the first place.
She didn't feel like herself. But she wasn't sure about how she felt about that either.
Quinn opened the bedroom door, and her breath got caught in her chest when she saw Rachel sitting on her bed wearing a light dress, a cardigan, flat shoes and her bangs pinned to the side.
Since Rachel never left the room, Quinn never had seen the girl in anything but comfortable clothes or her sleepwear. She stood by the door for a few seconds with her mouth slight opened, but only realized that she was blatantly staring when Rachel looked down with her cheeks turning pink.
"You look great!" Quinn encouraged the girl, closing the door behind her and sitting on her own bed. She didn't understand what all of that was for, but the answer came quickly.
"I want to eat outside today" Rachel murmured, still looking down.
Quinn was almost sure she had squealed when she heard it. She was about to jump out of bed, but collected herself and simply nodded with a bright smile.
"Okay! That's great!'' Quinn smiled, unsure of what to do next.
"Can you come with me?" Her voice was even smaller, so low that Quinn could barely hear it.
''Of course, yeah! Are you ready to go?"
Quinn asked, and upon the girl's nod of agreement she completed.
"Okay. Let's go then!"
While one of Quinn's hands moved to get the door knob, the other was caught by Rachel's. She was surprised, but turned around and greeted the act with a smile and nod, trying to help the girl with the last little push she needed.
She took a second to adjust to the feeling; Rachel's hand felt so small against hers, and she held it so tight that Quinn knew how important her company was.
Quinn twisted the door knob and Rachel followed her out, hiding behind her back and using Quinn as a shield for anything they might face on the way. The hallway was empty though, so Quinn looked behind her and tighten the grip on their hands, which made Rachel look up to her.
After lifting her head and realizing they were alone, she felt more comfortable walking at Quinn's side. They walked slowly. Quinn was aware that Rachel mustn't have got a chance to get to know the institution, since she had such a difficult moving day. So she took the opportunity to show Rachel the things that were in their way to the cafeteria: bedrooms, the nurse's office, the director's office, other bedrooms, the TV room.
Quinn could only imagine how nervous Rachel was, and was still in shock because of the sudden decision, but mostly because of how confident Rachel seemed when stating that wanted to go out.
Rachel's state was changing quickly for the better. It was evident every day, with one little step on each one. Quinn was so happy that she even considered thanking their therapist.
Rachel did her best to remain calm and pay attention to everything that she was being told, nodding to everything she was shown. However, Rachel's hands betrayed her, letting Quinn know how nervous the girl was by how sweaty her hands were.
Realization must have hit Rachel even faster than Quinn, since she was the one to tighten the grip this time – there was a man wandering around in the middle of their way.
Rachel came closer to Quinn, bumping their arms together and loosening her hair from behind her ears to fall in front of her face. She was unease and she was trying to become somehow invisible. But there was no reason for that - Quinn wouldn't let the man approach her anyway. He wouldn't have the courage, or at least not after Quinn glared him with so much hate in her eyes.
"Hey." Rachel's head snapped up to realize that Quinn was talking to her. "It's okay" She murmured with a smile, motioning with her head to show Rachel that the man was now behind them. Rachel let out a small sigh and smiled. "You're doing great." Quinn encouraged, but the girl didn't motion to move further away from Quinn – not that Quinn minded; all she wanted was for Rachel to feel comfortable anyway.
When they got there, almost all the patients were already sitting and eating. Quinn heard a low whimper coming from the girl's mouth when she saw how many people there were, but they had come too far only to give up now.
"Do you wanna sit and wait while I grab food for us?" She turned her head to murmur so only Rachel would hear her, and almost got lost in the scent of the girl's hair, but was brought back to reality when Rachel shot her eyes wide open and shook her head. She wasn't ready to be left alone in such a crowded room.
"It's okay, it's okay." Quinn eased her with a smile. "You come with me, then."
She placed two trays on the counter, and managed to align them so when she pushed one the other moved too, since Rachel didn't seem to be willing to let go of her hand.
The lunch lady held a big spoon full of pasta and Quinn nodded. Rachel held her eyes down, avoiding eye contact, but Quinn ran her thumb against the back of the girl's hand, trying to show her that they were waiting to see if she wanted pasta too, and she nodded. And that was repeated in every stop, until their plates were full.
Quinn let Rachel take her time, so when a lady sighed in line behind them, it took all of Quinn's good will not to flip that tray and hit the woman's face with it. The lady must have felt it on Quinn's face, because she immediately shut up, and Quinn was able to move on and finish the task, grabbing one apple for each one of them.
But Rachel poked Quinn's arms, and Quinn looked up, confused, until she saw Rachel's eyes moving to catch a glimpse of the cookies. For a moment Quinn had forgotten about how much Rachel liked those.
When they were done, Quinn turned to murmur to Rachel again. "Can you pick up your tray?" She saw the girl's eyes flickering nervously, but she let go of Quinn's hand and picked it up, holding it firmly and doing her best to make sure she didn't drop it in the way.
Quinn picked up her own tray with only one hand, and used the other arm to wrap Rachel's shoulder protectively as they walked to the nearest table, and she could see that her action were effective when Rachel smiled and walked with much more confidence than before.
She loved this; feeling like she was protecting Rachel, knowing the girl felt safe under her embrace. Such a tiny action made her heart flutter in a way that she couldn't explain. She only hoped this was not another effect of her medicines.
Quinn put her tray down on the table and helped Rachel with hers before pulling the chair like the good gentlewoman she was, so that Rachel could sit down, and then moved to sit down across the table in front of her roommate.
None of them moved for a minute. Quinn waited for Rachel to start eating so she would too, but after a while she realized the girl must have been feeling uncomfortable with Quinn watching her. So Quinn took the first step and filled her spoon, taking it to her mouth and chewing, while waiting for Rachel to do the same.
Rachel looked down at her plate intensively, and held the spoon tight in her clenched fists. Quinn had already eaten half of her lunch when she finally moved and tried to get the food on the spoon. But it was hard. Everyone is used to having a knife to help push the food on to the spoon, and trying to do so without said knife was making the food fall off from her plate, which made her more anxious as she tried.
Quinn cleared her throat, getting the girl attention, and then motioned with her head to her own tray, which had more food on it then in the actual plate. "Look around" Quinn murmured, even though she knew the girl wouldn't. "No one is looking at us. No one cares. Don't worry."
But Quinn knew Rachel wasn't totally convinced yet, so she took a big chunk of chicken in her hands and shoved it in her mouth. While she was on it, all she could think about was how her mother would have a heart attack seeing her eating gracefully like that.
It made Rachel laugh though, and that laugh was followed by a sigh that made Rachel close her eyes before lifting the spoon to her mouth. Quinn smiled proudly nodding when Rachel's eyes opened again.
Spoon by spoon, Rachel grew more brave, not caring about everyone around them, and Quinn could swear half way through lunch the girl had already started lifting her eyes to peek around and see what other patients were like, what they were doing, or what they were talking about. She looked like a curious little puppy, and Quinn bit her lip holding back sighs of admiration.
It had been a while since the two of them were finished eating when Rachel turned to find Quinn's eyes and that look alone was enough for Quinn to understand that the girl was telling her she was ready to leave.
She got up and placed Rachel's tray on top of hers, before walking around the table and holding her hand out for Rachel, who didn't hesitate on grabbing it before getting up and following Quinn to put the trays back on the counter and leave.
On their way back to their room, Quinn thought about taking an alternative way, to show Rachel the other wing of the institution, but she thought Rachel had already made progress enough for one day and chose to only guide the girl back to their room.
Rachel sighed deeply in contentment when they got inside the room and Quinn smiled, congratulating her. She stood by the door while Rachel looked around, as if thinking of what do next before deciding to just sit on her bed.
Quinn smiled again, and was turning around to get out and leave the room for Rachel when she heard the small voice.
"Where are you going?" She whispered, with eyes that flickered from curiosity to fear.
Quinn shrugged. "I don't know, nowhere?" She bit her lip. She didn't have any place to be, she just had assumed that Rachel liked being alone, so she left for most of the day.
"Can you stay here with me?" Her voice was even smaller, and Quinn imagined how many days had she wanted to ask that but didn't have the courage, and damned herself for not realizing it before.
"Of course I can!" She answered with smile, walking to sit on her bed. Rachel laid down and closed her eyes, and Quinn assumed that the girl only wanted her company, to know that someone else was there after such an overwhelming day.
If that's what she needed, Quinn was happy to help.
If Rachel wants, Rachel gets it.
Quinn started to hang more in her room now that she knew that Rachel liked having her around. Her getaways now consisted mostly of going out to get her meals – with Rachel by her side, to go to see her psychologist, or to walking Rachel to her own therapy sessions, for after Rachel started coming out to eat the psychologist refused to do the sessions in their room.
But buried deep inside of her there was always that weird feeling of anxiety, like a child who gets too excited about something and just can't turn it off and ends up doing everything in a rush because they just can't bear to waste time.
"How are you feeling Quinn?"
The urge to kill her psychologist was just one of the other things she also had to bury deep inside her. She was almost sure that killing her would get at least another whole year inside that institution and she really wanted to go out.
She shrugged.
"How was lunch today?"
She had to stop herself from almost opening up. It always happened when she was asked something related to Rachel; she wanted to share with someone how cute the girl looked with pasta sauce on the corner of her lips, or how adorable she looked when she blew on her straw today during lunch and then giggled at the bubbles that appeared on the surface of her orange juice.
Just Rachel's company itself was enough to make those everyday mundane moments the best experiences she had ever had.
She wondered if Rachel talked about her on her sessions.
"It was okay."
Nods. She was getting super tired of those nods. When she was little and people asked what super power she wished she had, she had always asked to fly – it would be a way of running away from all the pressure her parents trusted upon her even during childhood. But if she was asked now, she would sure ask for the power to read people's minds. It would make everything much easier.
"You are feeling better."
It was a statement, not a question.
"No, I'm not." She frowned.
Yes, she was.
A few months back she wouldn't have lasted a day without cutting if she had the weapons she needed, and now two weeks had passed and the needles she stole were still hidden in the back of her drawer. She even forgot about them, sometimes.
She was talking more. She was smiling more. And deep down, she knew that the feeling that was bothering her so much was actually happiness. She wasn't used to feeling that way, and she didn't know how to handle it, or what to do with all of that.
And she didn't want to like feeling that way, but it felt like she couldn't help it.
"Why don't you allow yourself to feel happy? Don't you feel like you deserve it?"
She wondered if her face just made what she was thinking too obvious, or if the therapist was actually good enough to get that without Quinn saying anything.
But she stopped to think about it, and it made a lot of sense. She didn't deserve that happiness. She had done so many bad things; She let her parents down, she wasn't a good daughter, she wasn't a good friend... and she was a terrible mother.
Even with all those facts, that's not why the happiness felt weird. She wouldn't mind being happy if there was an actual reason for it, but she hated knowing that this was just another way of fooling her body; that all of that just came because of those medicines she was taking.
She was lying to her body, she was lying to herself. She was doing what she found to be the most disgusting action in the world. She wasn't happy and she had no reason to make her body feel otherwise.
She didn't want to get used to being happy. Especially because she knew it would go away the minute she stopped taking her medicines. So she figured it was for the best if she stopped before getting too attached to the feeling.
And when the session was over, she had made a decision: she wouldn't take her medicines anymore.
