Chapter 9
"I see that I was wrong for all these years. It wasn't fair of me to be so self-involved and ignore your feelings. I realize that I need you now. There wasn't a time that you were never there; I will die without you. I will try my best; that is all I can offer you. I will try this time to repay you for all the times that you cradled me and nursed me from my depressive states. I have changed. Everything can go back to the way it used to be, but better becauseā¦"
I paused to meet his reaction, but there was none. I couldn't say what he said to make a difference. I meant it with all my heart, but I could never put it the way that he did. In a magnificent sweeping motion he turned his back on me. Not just literally, but figuratively as well. I could already tell that he had shut me out of his heart. In a last attempt to save what intense love we once had I twirled him about. Holding him in my arms I made the grand gesture of a kiss. Long, deep and bold.
"Because, I love you."
Tearing himself from my grip I knew at last that he had made up his mind, and there was absolutely no changing it. There was a new look of distain that I had never seen in Michael before. His words cut me like a rusty razor.
"It doesn't matter anymore. It is too little, too late."
He turned the other way and sauntered through the sea of people that littered the backstage area. This time I didn't stop him. There was nothing more I could do; he had made up his mind. Maybe he was right, it was too little too late. Everything that he said seem to plunge deep on a personal level that I was sure he meant to hit. Dejected and despondent I wandered home. There was no other place to go. I pondered the thought: if you are dead on the inside, but alive on the outside, who is to say that you are either one, neither or both? Where does one stuck in this limbo go?
I had submerged myself in Michael's comforter, trying to recapture the glory of, "the queen sized love nest." I let the tears trickle down my cheeks this time. There was truly a great loss in my life that day. If there was ever a time that I questioned my past relationships and the worth of it all, it was now. Nothing could ever measure up to this. At the peak of my sorrow I heard the door creak open wide. Just wide enough for the wide frame of a large man to comfortably pass through. He was home.
