Author's Note: So, for a story that promised to have few author's notes, there sure are a lot of them. Whoops. First, thanks so much for all the great reviews! It's really uplifting, especially since this story can be so hard to write. Secondly, though I really appreciate all the positive feedback, I'm not going to "reboot" porcelain in a LE/RL fashion. I "decided" to rewrite in a 4am too-much-coffee-not-enough-sleepy haze (which is also how most of the last chapter came about, but I'm not unhappy with it). I have a serious weak spot for Remus, but he needs his own story. Thirdly, the longer my insomnia rages, the more story I seem to be churning out. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or I just want to effing sleep.

I'm pretty sure I mostly want to sleep.


Life, Lily knew, was nothing like a book. It didn't go in a pattern of bad things happening, a climactic moment and then an upswing and happily ever after. In books, the heroine suffered, but she suffered beautifully and with grace.

There was nothing beautiful nor graceful about her struggle.

There were good days-excellent ones where she ate because she wanted to and kept it down for the same reason. But more frequently, much more frequently, there were bad days.

Today was definitely in the latter category. It was only breakfast, but she could tell that already. There was only a week left before Christmas holidays, and Lily was nervous to say the least.

Her parents were going to notice that she had lost weight. She was able to see it herself, now... especially with the aid of the Room of Requirement, which she had been visiting regularly. She was happy with her progress but knew her family would see it differently. Would they pull her out of school? Could they do that, since she was (in the eyes of the Wizarding world) of age?

She was pulled out of her mental stew when an owl swooped in front of her and dropped a letter onto the toast she wasn't eating. She wasn't expecting anything from her parents today and wasn't sure who else would bother writing. She opened the letter immediately.

Dear Ms. Evans,

Please report to my office after breakfast. Any tardiness to your first class will be excused.

Professor Dumbledore

P.S. Feel free to bring Mr. Potter with you. The password is Gobstoppers.

Her heart thudded. Why did he want to see her? Surely he didn't know about her... habits. What if he did? What would happen to her then?"

Calm down, she ordered herself. You're being stupid. No way would Dumbledore invite James along if that was what this was about. She was merely paranoid. She waited for her heart to slow down to its normal rate, then turned to her boyfriend, who looked curious about the letter but unwilling to pry. "Dumbledore wants to see us after breakfast," she explained. "No idea what he wants."

"Maybe Head stuff," he suggested. "With the end of term and all, we probably have duties." Now she definitely felt stupid; of course that was the case.


She gave the password to the stone gargoyle standing guard outside of the headmaster's office. As they stood on the moving staircase, it occurred to Lily that she and James had had very little alone time lately. She shifted a little closer to him, leaned into him.

Even when the staircase stopped, she made no move toward the door. Instead she turned toward her boyfriend, stood on her tiptoes and angled her head for a kiss. "I'm going to miss you over break," she told him. "We'll have my sister's wedding, at least."

"We may be able to find time together aside from that," he answered, running his fingers through her hair. "Actually I was thinking-"

She didn't get to find out what he was thinking; the office door opened and they sprang apart. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he said, "Ah, Lily and James, come in, come in. I was wondering if you were on your way. Lemon drop?"

Lily accepted a sweet. Hard candies had to be her major food weakness; anyway, they were fat-free. She let the sweet, tart candy roll over her tongue as she took a seat.

"I imagine you wonder why I asked for you to come here," said the headmaster after he had sat. "Lily, have you been doing well?"

"Fine, thank you," she answered automatically.

He looked at her in a way that made her feel as though she were being looked through. "Very well. I brought you here because I have grave news. Cokeworth has, for reasons unknown, been subject to much targeting by Voldemort and his allies."

She felt her eyes go wide. She looked over to James, but he seemed confused. "My family?"

"Fine," he assured her.

"What about... Severus? Is his family all right? What about the Muggles?" Every bone in her body wanted to spring into action.

The old man's hands rested on his desk. "There have been more deaths. Mr. Snape's father was one casualty; his mother remains in good health. It would appear that only Muggles have been targeted."

Her heart sank. "How is he? Severus?"

"You'll have to ask that of him, I'm afraid. He has chosen, at my suggestion, to remain at Hogwarts over the holidays."

Lily thought about Cokeworth: about her childhood playmates, her parents' coworkers. She had never loved the town; the river that flowed near it was filthy, there was pollution and poverty everywhere. Her parents, comfortably in the middle-class bracket, were some of the wealthiest people in town. She had never taken that for granted, but had also never felt at home there. Most of the other children had assumed she would be snobbish (which she very well was not) and wouldn't approach her. Perhaps that was why Petunia was so eager to marry someone wealthy, who lived in Little Whinging-a prosperous and suburban town. It was certainly part of why she herself had been so eager to come to Hogwarts. They had both sought escape, in their own way.

"What can be done to protect my family?" she asked. "They can't protect themselves."

"Everything that can be done, shall be done. I urge you not to worry." She didn't trust his reassuring smile, but did trust that he wouldn't promise to do his best unless he was going to follow through.

"Is that all?" she asked, coldness spiking her voice without her meaning it to. "Or may we go back to class?"

"Lily," James admonished in a whisper. "I know you're worried, but still."

"I'm sorry, Professor," she said, properly ashamed. "I didn't mean to snap. I'm just worried for my family."

"No one can blame you, my dear," the older man said kindly. "There is actually one more thing. I have to ask you not to return home for Christmas."

"But you said only Muggles have been targeted!" she protested. "And my sister's getting married. I can't miss that."

Dumbledore suddenly looked very old, older than he had ever seemed to her before. She noticed each crease of his face, the generous bags beneath his eyes. "I understand, but you must accept that patterns aren't always followed. In truth, Lily, as a Muggle-born you may be at just as much risk. Voldemort and his ilk hold very pure-blood supremacist ideas."

She nodded, the weight of it pressing on her chest. Would she ever be able to go home again?

"Stay with me," James said suddenly.

"What?" She blinked at him.

"Stay with me," he repeated. "We can still go to your sister's wedding. I'm sure my parents would love to have you, there's loads of bedrooms and everything."

"I just... um. If you think they'd allow it. But make sure they're really okay with it first. I don't want to impose."

James stood. "Professor," he said conversationally, "may I use your Floo?"

"Absolutely, my boy." The twinkle was back in Dumbledore's eyes. She wondered how the hell he did that.

Her boyfriend walked over to the fireplace, took a pinch of powder and threw it down. "Potter Manor!" he called out to the bright green flame, but didn't step inside.

Moments later a head appeared in the ember. "Oh James dear," spoke a feminine voice, "please tell me that you haven't gotten in trouble for making the Giant Squid dance again, or some such thing. I simply don't have the time to beat you between the laundry and the dishes today."

James laughed, and it was full and long. "I've missed you, Mum. No, I'm not in trouble today."

"Call the presses!" she chortled. "What can I do for you. Oh hello, Professor Dumbledore. And...?"

"Lily Evans," supplied James. "I've told you about her."

"Nice to meet you," Lily stammered. This was not the meet-the-parents conversation she'd been expecting.

"Oh I've heard all about you, my dear. James, you need to bring this lovely young lady over for dinner sometime during the holidays." It was still surreal for Lily. She had never spoken with someone via fireplace before, and it took some getting used to.

"Actually Mum," said James, "I was hoping we could do one better. Lily's hometown has been targeted by Death Eaters and-"

"Of course she's welcome to stay with us!" interrupted Mrs. Potter. Lily let out a breath. "Is your family all right, dear?"

"Yes, ma'am, they're fine," she answered. "Um, I appreciate the offer. Are you sure it won't be any trouble?"

"Absolutely!" the older woman insisted. "Listen, between my husband and my boys, I need a woman around here."

It pleased Lily to know that she would be welcomed, and by such a warm and loving woman. She had even mentioned her "boys"-obviously Sirius had been accepted as one of the family. She could only hope that her reception would be an equally good one, and that Mr. Potter would be as welcoming. And, of course, that they were just oblivious enough not to notice her eating habits.

After more pleasantries were exchanged and Mrs. Potter's head disappeared from the fire, Dumbledore said, "Now that's settled, I'll not keep you too much longer. James, my boy, you may be free to join your class; I'd like to speak to Lily just a moment longer."

James chanced a kiss to Lily's cheek before heading out the door; the headmaster didn't comment on that. "What can I do for you, professor?" Her palms began to sweat.

It struck Lily again how old he looked, and that she felt as though he was peering straight through her. "Is there... anything you wish to tell me, Miss Evans? Anything at all?"

"No, sir," she said after a long and quiet moment. So he had figured it out.

"Very well."


After classes, she made quick work of tracking down Severus. He was a creature of habit and his habit was the library.

"I want to talk to you," she said, sitting down beside him.

He raised one eyebrow, not setting down his book. "You didn't want to talk to me two months ago."

"No, I didn't," she answered honestly. "But I do now. I heard about your father. I'm sorry."

"I'm not." His coldness stung her, though she wasn't the target. "He was never a father to me anyway. A useless Muggle who used his fists on anyone who used a wand."

She nodded. "That's true. How is your mother?"

"She killed him." He said it flatly. "Or if she didn't do it, it was done for her."

If she had thought there was cold before, it was nothing compared to the ball of ice that now formed in her stomach. "No," she whispered. "No, there have been attacks on Muggles throughout the town. Since the summer, you remember."

"Better than you, I expect. Given that I was there." He sneered. "Anyway, I suppose there's no secret that there are Princes with death eater ties. My mother's not one herself but whoever's been doing this is doing it for her."

"Tell them to stop," she said firmly. "I know you've got Death Eater friends; don't try to deny it or I'll call you a liar. Tell them to stop."

"I can't. You know I would if I could. Father's dead. I have nothing against any other Muggles in the godforsaken town, except perhaps your sister and I wouldn't do that to you. But really... what would you have me do? Politely ask the Dark Lord to stop doing murder?"

"It doesn't mean anything to them." Suddenly she was tired, too tired. "They used doing your mother a favor as a handy excuse, but it was just that. An excuse to kill Muggles. If Cokeworth happened to be a handy spot, so be it."

"Exactly. There's nothing I can do. And before you ask, if I ask them to avoid doing your family harm, they'll kill them out of spite." Severus finally set his book down and looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Lily." She knew he referred to more than the situation in Cokeworth.

"I know. Are you Marked, yet?" If he could be cold, so could she.

Severus winced. "Lily, I-"

"You'd have said no, if that was your answer." She sighed, and her heart ached. Had they once been best friends? Was this the boy who had once told her that being Muggle-born made no difference?

"I want us to be friends again," he whispered. "I miss that."

Though it hurt her to say it, she had to stand for her beliefs. "There's a tattoo in between the past and the present, Severus. And in between you and me. It's on your left arm now."

"I only joined because I didn't see another way," he insisted. "I couldn't..."

"What?" she snapped when he didn't continue.

He looked down, but not before she saw his eyes swimming. "I couldn't stand to be alone anymore."

Oh, she ached for him. She did. But how could she be there for someone who had ties with the monsters who were murdering her neighbors, and people across the country? She planned to fight the Death Eaters after school... how could she befriend one now?

"How long?" she finally asked.

He didn't say anything for a long moment, then, "After I talked to you last."

"Not long," she murmured. "Oh, Severus, how could you do this to yourself? You know what he's going to make you do."

"He wants me for potions," he answered. "Poisons."

She nodded; she could see it. She hated that she could see it. "At least you don't have to get your hands dirty," she sneered. "Don't have to do any of the killing with your wand. Don't have to look into their eyes as the life leaves them."

"Please, Lily," he begged. "I've made mistakes. So have you. Does James still not know about that nasty little habit of yours?"

"Shut up," she snapped. She moved to stand, but he grabbed her wrist. "Take your hand off of me before I take it off of you."

"Talk to me. Tell me why... why this." He removed his hand and used it to gesture at her body.

"Why I have a body? Why I'm in the library? Why I'm still standing and talking to the most ignorant jerk on the planet?"

"You know what I mean. Why did you start... doing this, all that time ago? And why did you start back up recently? It's obvious," he pointed out, "so don't deny it or I'll call you a liar."

She deliberated for a moment. "I can't pinpoint one exact cause," she said honestly. "But I can tell you that both times, your actions pulled the trigger."

He was stunned into silence just long enough for her to flee.

Back in the common room, James didn't ask why tears streamed down her face. He merely stood and opened his arms while their friends looked on in silence. She folded into them and shook with silent sobs. Against his strong, sturdy form, she thought that she might break.