The lost last iCarly movie: iSay meaningful things and lay down philosophical truths because i'm a genius part 8

So, there I was with my arm trapped in ice. I figured the only thing to do was to lick it until it melted into cardboard or something. Instead an evil clown passing by suggested that I drag it closer to the Albertsons fire a few blocks down.

So soon I was on my way again. That's when I noticed a guy with a bowtie walking down the street with an invisible dog. That was significant in that it reminded me of a dream I had the night prior. Wherein I was confronted by a guy slapping my head with an envelope. I finally figured out that he was trying to deliver the envelope to me and took it to find a message that said.

Near stones of grey

A playground

And fountain waters

"hey." I said, "That's almost a haiku."

After I said that, I decided to walk into a nearby coffee shop.

"Glass of water please." I said. Then I left.

"If Sam were here she probably would have done something fundamental." I said crossing my eyes backwards.

Well finally I decided to do something with a point and rendevous with Lyle.

"Yo Lyle dawg wat up yo." I said in my best Italian accent.

"Oh hey Carly." he said.

"So guess what I had like the weirdest dream" I told him about it, "isn't that just so surreal?"

"Not really. Like...not at all. The message sounds weirdly like an expert riddle. Maybe you saw the riddle a long time ago and your subconscious is now bringing it to your attention."

"I don't have a subconscious, I traded it for a wedding ring to save my Aunt's crummy wedding to a rich guy with a cheese yacht."

"What? That doesn't make sense."

"Why?"

"If the guy could afford a yacht, you'd think he could afford a wedding ring."

"..your right. DARNIT! I was duped!" I said.

"Well I suppose we should just investigate this clue. Near stones of grey."

"A playground."

"And fountain waters."

"...The spa!" I said. "It has fountains, and stones. And it might have a playground."

"You may be right. To the spa."

So me and Lyle went to the spa. Lyle had his fingers painted laptop red. I was going to get my hair done but it turned out I didn't have enough money, the haircuts were REALLY expensive. But then some luck happened. I reached into my pockets and discovered an old wrinkled piece of almost lint. It was the chicken nest haircut ticket Gary had given me 2 years ago!

"hey do you guys like take competitors coupons?"

"Yeah, but haircut tickets are a city-wide currency you know."

"Great, I'll take this." I handed him the ticket.

After a few minutes they were done, I looked in the mirror to see my hair was now white, it looked stylistically ruffled with a few eggs and feathers sticking out at different points.

"Cool." I said.

I soon met up with Lyle.

"Yo so how'd your pedicure went." I said.

"It was awful. The prices here are ridiculous. Then it turned out the spa is a secret base of the Hot Potatos, a dangerous overseas secret cult who're after the secret of the cursed fire for terrorism purposes. And I didn't see any sign of the experts did you?"

"Uhh nope."

"Well we'll have to try a different place. Where could a fountain be."

"Albertsons had a fountain." I suggested, "but a playground?"

"On the 5th floor." Lyle said. "And the riddle, if it's valid, was probably written before Albertsons burned down."

"Great, let's visit Albertsons."

We left the spa. In the distance I heard gunshots.

"What's that?" I asked.

Suddenly 2 people crashed through a window, they wrestled on the ground, both holding guns. One finally got up and ran away, the other chased him. They turned a corner, soon a crash was heard and sirens started blaring in the distance.

"Oh that's probably just a gang scuffle. You know that LARPing group I said I was a part of? Well due to various unfortunate circumstances, some of the members decided to leave the group and start up this whole gang east-west turf-war business. It's silly but due to all those years of LARPing, they take it quite seriously. They aren't LARPers anymore though."

"So they've gone rouge." I said

"Now, the only problem with this plan." Lyle said after we left the spa, "is that it's near impossible to get to Albertsons safely. "

"pssst." I heard someone say. I looked around confusedly until I noticed a dark shady man step out of a nearby alley, "I heard you guys be looking for a way into Albertsons?" he said.

"Uh yeah that'd be nice." I said.

"Follow me." I followed him, Lyle soon followed.

Note from ben: Looking back I think it would have been funny if the writers had decided to name Lyle, "Sam." Since it's also a boys name. :p

So we followed the shady guy who wore a trench coat into the alley. He had a deep voice.

"I can get ya into Albertsons if you really want to."

"What's your price?"

"It's free."

"Free? cool. Any reason why?"

"I'm a upterifiglyphomatreezicist"

A upterifiglyphomatreezicist is a word I made up right now to describe someone who thinks the earth is over populated.

"Anyways." The shady man continued, "There's an underground passage back here, leads straight up into the employee break room. It was nothing more than an emergency fire exit. Or entrance in this case.

"Great. Things are blowing our way." I said to Lyle who looked hesitant over the idea.

"Your not a wuss are you?" I asked him when I saw his face.

"What is a wuss?"

"Woah. that's deep." I said.

"Here it is." The man moved a dumpster over to reveal a trap door, "It's hidden under this dumpster, quite an ingenious disguise if you ask me. Anyways good luck."

So me and Lyle we went into the underground tunnels.

"Wow underground tunnels." I said. "So precocious."

"You know there's already a large underground tunnel system around the town right? There's an entrance in Albertson's park."

"What? What happens if it were to all collapse."

"Then we'd fall to the moon." Lyle said.

"No that doesn't sound quite right." I said, largely.

It wasn't long before we reached another trap door. I pushed it open and looked at my surroundings, it looked a lot like hell.

"Well it was a nice try." I said. I so wanted to like jump out and like run through the place dodging flames and looking across what remained of the place but it was just so hot. Maybe if I had grabbed more icy eggs.

Well anyways we turned around and left, but at the end of the tunnel we were confronted by the guy who let us in.

"Hey, you guys. Whatchu doing'?" he asked.

"We changed our minds."

"Oh in that case it'll cost ya $30,000"

"What? We don't have $30,000"

"WELL THEN GET BACK UP THERE!" he yelled and started chasing us. We had no choice but to turn around and run down the tunnel towards the Albertsons ruins again.

"I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN." Lyle said. The shady punk kept chasing us and left us no choice but to escape through the Albertsons trap door.

"AAAHHH" I yelled as we jumped through the embers and flames as fast as we could. After jumping and running for a bit, I used my last icy egg to make a temporary safe spot by splatting it on the ground.

We convened on it. I noticed we were right next to a large metal box in the middle of the Albertsons wreckage.

"Well that was malevont." I said.

Lyle caught his breath. "Well no sign of them that I can see and boy is it hot."

I looked around but couldn't see anywhere to run, we were like in the middle of the fire. Then I turned around, "Hey I wonder what's inside this metal box." I saw a button on the side of it that said, "emergency release." I quickly reached over and pressed it.

The box started to open up revealing...a large gas tank.

"Oh crap." I said.

BOOOOOOOOMMMMM

I was flung up like 2,000 feet into the air, above the town. I figured the box was part of the safety protocols the old Albertsons had set up, it had cut off the gas tank inside an emergency hold. Then overtime the rest of Albertsons had fallen around it. In fact I remembered seeing the gas tank getting sealed up last year when me and Sam were escaping the building.

So anyways there I was flying 2,000 feet up in the air.

"AAAAHHHh." I said, then I saw Lyle was tumbling a few hundred feet below me, "Hey Lyle, can you take my picture. Oh wait no my hairs probably messed up now darnit." Then I kept screaming. Then I had an idea. "Hey Lyle, if we fall in a body of water we won't get hurt." Because water's like the softest thing I know and it works in cartoons. "look for a body of water." That's when I saw it. The water fountain outside of the mall. Next to where Sam and Slim were. It was also across the street from the old playground that was now a defunct execution courtyard.

"That's not going to work stupid." Lyle said, "You're not a cartoon."

'Oh crap' I thought. Then I had an idea, "Vamanos, vamanos, Vamanos, vamanos, Vamanos, vamanos, Vamanos, vamanos" I chanted. My goal was of course was to turn into Dora before I hit the fountain, thus making my plan work. But it didn't. So instead I went to plan B which was to split the human sized-strap on chicken wings between me and Lyle and use that to slow our descent enough so that we only broke half our bones when we hit the fountain. Except only I hit the fountain, Lyle blew off course to like the sahara desert or something I don't know, I lost track of him.

Anyways I hit the water-filled base of the fountain in the courtyard. When I poked my head out I noticed that there was an egg fashioned in the same way Anytass was dressed when I saw her a year ago sitting in one of the basins above where I landed.

'So it appears this all just led to a stupid egg again' I thought, because I couldn't speak.

The water inside it was fashionable green with a lot of dirt floating around, The fountain itself didn't even work, maybe it was because the egg was covering where the water came out, or maybe it was the moon and the fountain was on low-tide. Anyways I spent the next few hours trying to reach the egg. I finally got it and spent another while after that climbing out of the fountain. I finally made it over the edge (using just my pinkie finger because that's all I could move, mostly.) and fell headfirst a foot or so onto the pavement.

I figured if I could just make it back to Gary's farm I could get him to use the lucky egg marble on me or something. So I started to drag myself to the nearest bus station using only my pinkie and toungue.

to be continued.