Firstly, let me start of by saying thank you to all the readers. I really appreciate all your feedback, it really helped me see the way you look at things. Love the way some of you seem to be churning your theories, and I really enjoy reading them. I am grateful to those who have been honest with their feelings, I do realize the twist was a shocker to most of you, but once again I promise I have a plan. Thank you to all the silent readers, it gives me great joy to see that most of you are still reading the story.
Thank you to PTB members OTD673 and Reamhar. They have helped me immensely by correcting my grammatical errors. Perhaps the only reason this chapter is coming close to readable is due their generous efforts. Thank you to OTD673 for all her help with rephrasing, and pointing things out I would have never seen myself. Your guidance is much appreciated.
Thank you to chocholic4824, who has started a thread on twilighted. Check it out if you haven't already.
Thank you to Jenny Cullen, my twi beta, for her help posting the story on twi.
This chapter will deal with the after-effects of the attack. While I try to make things as less graphic as I can, some facts can't be avoided when broaching such a topic. I don't think this chapter will be as hard to read as the one before as it is focused more towards the emotional consequences. Also, I must warn you that this chapter will involve a few profanities.
If it gets too hard, let me know, and I can send you the summary of the chapter.
Chapter 9 – Stand by you
"Bella, Bella, Bella!" He frantically called my name, shaking me. The movement echoed in my bones, causing so much pain that I wanted to scream, but I could only whimper in response.
"Bella, please answer me! Say something!" Edward said urgently.
I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to. What do you say when you were just…
The emotional burden made me shut my eyes tighter.
I wanted to scream at the heavens for the injustice. I had a lot of questions, questions I wanted answers to. There were too many of them, spinning through my head so fast that I couldn't grasp them. I wanted to ask the sky, how dare it cry my tears? Why my leaden arms refused to lift to give me the privacy every woman deserved? Why I just lay here, complete stripped of my dignity, vulnerably exposed in ways I never thought possible.
But most of all, I wanted to ask what I had done to deserve this?
What had I done that made it necessary for the first man I had ever felt remotely any connection to, to find me like this … broken, left behind, and unwanted?
At my lack of response, Edward began speaking in a hushed voice, a soothing song to my ears. Pleading, begging, suffering, I could hear it all with perfect clarity in the melody he sang to me, but the words were far too hazy, or maybe I just wanted them to be.
"Anything. Just say…anything. To let me know you are here...that you can hear me. Please, I'm begging you," he whispered in a pained voice, taking my cold, weak hand in both his warm ones.
The agony of the heart felt plea made me find some strength to open my eyes. I tried to see him, but it was too dark. All I saw was the outline of a man hunched over in despair, folding deeper into himself.
"No, no, no, this can't be happening," he said disbelievingly, shaking his head, rocking back and forth on the wet ground. Hands on his ears, he kept saying, "It's a bad dream."
I almost believed him. More than anything, I wished I could.
However, the unbearable pain that was making itself known was evidence enough that this was far more real than either of us hoped for. I focused on him, trying not to think about my body and its current state, but there was only one problem.
It wasn't working.
The pain began to climb along twisted, gut-wrenching paths, and then I screamed. I screamed because my heart hurt so much I couldn't stand it. I screamed because the questions wouldn't stop.
"Make it stop, please," I wailed, blindly reaching out for him and pulling on his arm.
That was enough to shake Edward out of his stupor. He quickly picked me up, and I howled with pain, causing his strong arms to shake before they strengthened with resolve. He held me close to his chest, and I fed on his warmth, trying to disappear from the world by burying my face in the crook of his neck. I clung to him, too scared to let go - beyond any sense of rationality.
Because there was no right and wrong now, it was only us. Only Edward and Bella.
Edward tried to put me in the back of his car, but I refused to let go of him.
"Listen to me, Bella, I want you to be calm, you are freezing, I need to get clothes for you," Edward explained quietly, as his tentative fingers stroked my hair.
I couldn't think, he was the only thing keeping me in the touch with the world. I couldn't let go. Not yet.
"Don't leave me!" I cried out hysterically, clawing at his wet shirt.
"I won't, you need to trust me here, Bella. Keep watching me. I have my coat in the front seat. I am going to the close the backseat door, get the coat and help you into it. No one is coming, it's just me. I need you to calm down so I can help you." He said, slowly, as though he was speaking to a child.
"Okay, come back soon," I said scared, hesitantly releasing my hold on his wet shirt, pulling my knees to my chest, but the movement made my head spin with pain.
I flinched when the car door slammed shut, rocking to drown it all out. I followed Edward with my eyes, worried that if my gaze wavered I would lose him. I would lose my angel. He took his coat and opened the door. Soon he was with me in the backseat, and I don't know how but I found myself in his lap the next minute. I huddled closer to him resting my head on his chest, feeling his warmth and closing my eyes. I felt him stiffen under me before he slowly relaxed back into the seat and began to rub my arms soothingly.
"Bella, I need to get you into the coat, can you lift your arms for me?" He asked softly.
"I can't, it hurts too much," I cried pathetically into his shirt.
"That's okay, let's try this together," he said with authority, moving to sit up straight, taking me with him. He carefully lifted my right arm trying to maneuver it into the sleeve. He repeated the process with my second arm. Then he pulled the lapels together and started buttoning up the front, careful not to touch my torn shirt or my chest.
When he reached my waist, he inhaled sharply as if breathing was painful for him. I watched his face in the dull, luminescent light turn from sadness to disgust before settling on unfathomable fury.
I looked down trying to hold my bearings, scared of what I might see. And what I saw made me shut my eyes so tight that I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to open them again.
"Bella, were you a …? " Edward asked bleakly, letting the incomplete question hang in the air between us.
That's when the one truth I had been avoiding struck me hard and deep, like a cold shard of ice that shattered my self-depreciating worth completely.
They stole my virginity…
Then the dam broke and I started crying with deep, loud, shuddering sobs. The grief enveloped the atmosphere of the car and became overwhelming with the building strength of pain. Edward was frozen, his expression not one of sympathy, but of implicit empathy. Pain, mirroring mine before his expression went blank.
"We need to go to the hospital, Bella," he said in a voice devoid of emotion while buttoning the rest of the coat, effectively covering me.
"Your wounds may get infected, we need to get you checked," he paused, steeling himself, "and we have to inform the police."
I don't know what came over me then, I just wanted to hit something, give pain in a way it was given to me. In that moment, it didn't matter that he was helping me. He was a man, just like them, and I hated them for what they had done to me. So with all my strength, I started pounding my fists on his chest, ignoring the ache that was intensifying, the fire that was burning me inside.
He captured my wrists, looking at me with tortured eyes, a troubled expression tarnishing his beautiful face. The restraint made my body go limp. I didn't have any fight left in me. I was tired. Tired of fighting.
Edward realized this at the same time as me, and he instantly released my wrists, gently setting my hands back into my lap. He pulled on his hair, twisting fist fulls of bronze in helplessness.
Putting his face in his hands, he begged, "Bella, please … just hold on. Don't do this; you can't get rid of the pain by hitting me. It's only going to hurt you more. Please be strong."
"I can't … I can't be strong. I wasn't before, and I'm not now. I don't have any strength left. They killed me, Edward… they killed me. They took it all away… everything… everything I was holding onto, just like that…" I rambled, letting my defeat erupt. Why couldn't he understand? I shook my head repeatedly, trying to shake the pain away, the tears oozed from the corners of my eyes, streaming along the apples of my cheeks. They screamed of my anguish, cursing the unknown source who had decided my fate.
Hesitant arms came around me, rubbing my back with small strokes.
"I begged them, but they didn't listen. I screamed again and again, but they kept laughing at my pain. Why?" I asked, pulling his shirt, looking up at him. "Why did this happen to me? I was only doing Angela a favor."
"Shhh," Edward said, rocking me back and forth.
But he just wasn't enough, in that moment nothing was. His arms, which had provided comfort, felt like heavy bars imprisoning me. I wanted Renee, but I had lost her.
That thought consumed me… tipping me over the edge, blackness devoured me, and I let it, welcoming it with open arms. I could hear Edward calling me, but I had gone too far to come back.
Or maybe I didn't want to anymore.
~x~x~x~x~
Faint light welcomed me back to the present. Shifting to orient myself within my strange settings, I looked around, confused. I was in a hospital. I held a hand to my cheek which throbbed with pain, moving it to my forehead. My head was aching terribly, making it difficult to think. The whole room seemed to turn, the walls swinging back and forth, blurring my sight. I searched my mind, trying to recall how I had gotten here.
Why couldn't I remember?
I could hear someone in the background talking in a low voice, "Hello, calling from room 102…yes, hello…yes, it is…she's gaining consciousness…yes, of course. I'll inform the team immediately."
At the sound of hustling and a door opening, I made a move get up but halted as a sharp pain stung the apex of my legs. My hands quickly removed the sheet, wanting not to believe a memory trying to break in its way to my consciousness.
And break it did.
"No," I whispered.
No. No. No.
"NO!" I screamed in denial, or at least I thought I did, but my voice was weak like my entire being. A vulnerable fort inevitably destined to be destroyed. I thrashed my fists on the sheet, and pulled my hair as unstoppable nightmares invaded my awake mind. They were the worst of their kind. Because they were real.
"No," I begged no one in particular. I put my hands on my eyes trying to dodge the images. But they were unyielding, ruthlessly slipping between my tightly bound lids. I put my hands on my ears. I could hear them now, their grunts, their brutal laughter.
"Shut the fuck up!"
My hands dropped from my ears as I lifted my head. Gazing in all directions like a wild animal, I listened carefully, for the voice again. It was familiar. I recognized it.
Jazz…
"This is all your fucking fault, Cullen. I swear to God, if anything happens to her I'll make your life a living hell!"
I pulled my knees to my chest, embracing the pain in my leg as it protested. At least, it allowed me a means to escape the harsh reality of what was happening. I prayed for the numbness to engulf me again, to let me drown in its nothingness. I didn't want to hear this, visualize what was happening. This was not the Jazz I knew. The man outside was not my Jazz.
"Stop it, Alice, I don't want to hear your excuses. If there's anyone to blame it's you and your brother. And, no, I won't keep my voice down. I'm so fucking sorry if I'm violating the hospital's rules. My best friend is lying unconscious on a bed, I don't give two shits about this hospital and your -" Jazz's voice stopped abruptly as a loud crash broke out.
Lights flashed around my vision, making me feel fainter by the moment. I huddled closer to my legs, trying to disappear, pressing my head between my knees so that I could breathe easier. They were fighting now. And it wasn't a minor altercation of shoves and profanities. Rather, it was a full fledged brawl. The sound of a million glass shards falling to the floor permeated the air, my heart splintering with the glass. I tuned them out, trying to focus on my breaths.
In. Out. In. Out.
"Don't you dare talk to Alice like that." His breathless, unsteady yet angry voice broke my concentration. I tried to gain my focus, but it was a lost cause.
I grabbed two fistfuls of the sheet, crushing it with my fingers.
Block him out.
"Will you both just stop this! We're in the ICU waiting area. People are dying here, show some respect," Alice said. Her voice lower but clearer as they seemingly moved closer to my room's door. "I know I made a mistake, I swear Jazz if I ever knew…" her voice broke, a sob escaping from her throat.
I pressed a hand to my mouth to stop myself from crying in agony. If I had ever known, I would have never stepped out that door. If I had known, I would have called for help. If I had known, I would have never gotten off my bed that day. If I had known, I would have never agreed.
There were so many ifs, ifs I wished I could have chosen. But the damage was marked on my body, painstakingly embedded in my soul. I was tainted, destroyed for life.
In a hoarse voice, with tears evident in her voice, Alice continued, "I'll never forgive myself for what happened to Bella. I don't know why I insisted. I was so foolish, I…" she stopped, as muffled sobs floated into my room.
"Alice, get Cullen out of my of sight. I don't care what you thought or what you should have done. You've done what you wanted. Are you happy now? Go figure, your scheming has landed my best friend in a hospital. I should have never agreed, and stuck to my impulse to disagree, but I didn't. And now the person I love so much…," his voice lowered to a melancholy filled whisper in the end as the collective footsteps stopped behind my door.
Tears streamed down my cheeks. He was hurt, we both were. Together in everything, as always.
I shifted down, ignoring the pain, pulling the sheet over my head. Lying stiffly over the paper beneath, I wrapped my arms around my core, squeezing my sides to close the expanding void spreading outward from my core.
In a strong voice, Jazz ordered, "Just go, Alice. I want you to go, too. "
"Jazz…" Alice cried.
"Go! Just fucking leave before I do something I regret."
"Okay…I'll call you," she said with a small voice, sad sniffles in between her words.
Jazz offered nothing in return.
"Can I see her once?" spoke the one man I couldn't bear to see again, his voice a soft question.
No. Please say no, Jazz.
"What, you haven't had enough yet? And to answer your question, 'are you kidding me?' Go jump on your damn flight tomorrow and don't bother coming back again. I know her, she probably doesn't want see your conceited face ever again, so go and shine your sparkle somewhere it's needed, because that place is definitely not here."
"I just want to see her. To apologize," Edward said, despair coloring his voice.
"Please," Edward gritted out on Jazz's tenacious silence.
Say no, Jazz, I can't face him. He can't see me… I can't see him.
"Mr. Cullen, you surprise me with your audacity. You really have no shame, do you? Just get out, you've done enough damage as it is. She will never forgive you, Cullen. Apologizing to her when she is unaware won't magically wash away your mistakes. You're going to have to live with them for your entire life. She will curse you everyday of her life, when she remembers what happened to her because of you. Yes, you, Cullen," Jazz said, using anger as an outlet for channeling his hurt.
"Don't say that, Jazz. It was my fault. Don't say this to Edward. Please, Jazz. This is not Edward's fault, it's mine," Alice begged. Edward was quiet in his brooding silence.
"I never disagreed. This is your fault too. She never deserved this, and now… Just go away, my head hurts with all this talking. Just go," Jazz said, resigned. "Please, I am requesting you, as a victim's friend, to leave. Leave us in peace. I have neither the status nor right to have you removed from the premises. I can just request. Please go. Leave us alone. Have some pity on us," he pleaded, his anger melting as the stress took its toll on him.
"I'm sorry," Edward whispered.
Parting footsteps moved away from the door. Each footstep growing fainter as the seconds ticked by, until I couldn't hear them anymore. And then he was gone.
Tears dripped from my eyes, wetting my pillow, drenching the paper that rested on it so that even it gave way, its resolve crumbling under my anguish. I used my hands to wipe my cheeks, but they were soaked, pruned with my tears. I closed my fingers into a fist, trapping my tears.
How had so much happened in one night?
The soft click of the door signaled someone's entry. My body tensed, folding itself in a shielding fetal position. My heart was beating so loudly, I could feel it in the fingertips pressed against my mouth. I held my breath, telling myself no one could harm me.
I heard the person blow out a heavy sigh and my body relaxed.
It was just Jazz.
The chair at the side of the bed creaked as Jazz settled on it. We both were quiet, just spending a few moments in our unspoken companionship.
"I know you're not sleeping," Jazz stated in a tired voice.
Looking at the faint light through the sheet, I didn't reply. Jazz's chair scooted closer, scratching the floor with a disturbing screech, as my body on autopilot moved to put a corresponding distance between us.
"Talk to me, Bella," he tried to say calmly, but his voice failed to hide his fear.
What do you want me to say, Jazz?
"You can't shut me out, I won't let you," he said with a determined voice, but once again, the tremor was unmistakable.
My body's made my decision for me.
"That's it!" he said impatiently. He stood up abruptly, letting the chair drop to the floor causing my body to give a violent jerk at the sound of the thud.
He moved fast towards me, causing me to cower into the edge of the bed. He lifted the sheet from so that my face was revealed.
I turned my face away from him, burying it in the side of the pillow, closing my eyes to shut out the expected look of disgust; I wouldn't be able to live if Jazz looked at me like that. My arms protectively wrapped around the front of my body.
"Bella, please…please, don't do this to me. Scream, shout, hit me, throw things, do what you have to. Just stop this silence."
"Please, please, please," he cried, as broken sobs bubbled from his throat.
Why are you torturing me, Jazz?
And then I wept my first words, "They raped me."
Curling into a ball, I cried into my knees, until my account held only dry heaves. I cried for my virtue, for my respect. I cried because Edward was the one who found me. Kneeling on the floor next to my bed, Jazz joined me with shaking shoulders, his face buried in his folded arms resting on the bed.
After what seemed like forever, a knock interrupted us.
"Excuse me, Mr. Hale may I have a word with you?" A man in a police officer's uniform asked.
Jazz looked up first at me, his swollen eyes questioning me. I nodded infinitesimally, unsure if I was ready to be my own. Jazz nodded back, standing up, his knees cracking from the strain of remaining bent for so long. He followed the officer out of the room, closing the door behind him, leaving me in the dark.
At a loss of what to do to stop my thoughts from wandering, I picked up the glass of water from the side table. My trembling hands along with the labored breaths made me spill half the water on my bare arms as the glass shook in my hands, the water swishing around the glass. I slowly raised the glass to my lips and took a sip to wet my dry throat. It felt foreign just like everything else, washing uncomfortably down my throat.
Setting it back, I tentatively moved my leg to test how bad the pain was. Ever so slowly, I pushed my knee up, but even before I could lift my calf, a sharp pressure shot through my nerves causing my knee to collapse back on to the bed. I leaned back, covering my face with my hands. Taking the pillow and burying my face in it, I screamed so loud that my throat burned.
Why was everything going so terribly wrong?
Jazz reappeared before I had a chance to dwell on my thoughts. He had a grim look on his face. Sitting on the edge of my bed, maintaining his distance, he began hesitantly, "Cullen has asked the police to keep the investigation to find your…" he took a deep breath, "attackers strictly confidential."
Cullen…Edward.
"We need to tell Charlie, Bella," Jazz said, anxiously clasping his hands.
I looked at him with frightened, wide eyes.
"No, Jazz!" I nearly shouted. "Please. Don't talk about this to Charlie. Promise me you won't," I said fervently, grabbing his arm to force him to agree, but the repulsive shock made me instinctively pull back.
I froze when Jazz looked at me with hurt. So much hurt from those hazel eyes that I had to look away. I glanced back at him, to see him holding a hand on the same place I had touched him, gazing at it with sad eyes. Thankfully, he decided to ignore my defensive action and spoke, "He has a right to know. More than me. No, don't protest. You know I'm right. You need him, Bella. He should be here now."
"No, he doesn't need to know about this," I disagreed, defiantly. "This is my private matter, you can't talk about it without my consent. I haven't granted you that authority yet," I said angrily, pressing a hand to my forehead. I was beginning to feel dizzy from the pain medications.
"Oh yeah?" Jazz asked challengingly. "So if anything happened to me tomorrow, you wouldn't inform my family?"
"God forbid that, but we're not talking about the same thing. This is completely different. You know that!" I argued.
"As a matter a fact, I don't. It is the same thing." He insisted, his voice became quieter as he continued, "You're hurt, here." He pointing to his heart. "You need support. Emotional support."
I hate him for talking in that tone, I thought as I wiped a few tears coming loose.
"I have you, I don't need anyone else," I mumbled, looking down at my lap, the light headed relief of the pain medications was coming back. It made it so much easier to think about less painful venues, almost making me forget that anything had happened.
"Fine, if that's what you want. I won't push you. Bella, I'm not your father," he said sincerely, before chuckling. "Well, thank God for that."
I gave a small smile to that, letting my eyes droop as the medicines began to take a toll on me.
"No offense, but you're not exactly father material, GPH." At Jazz's look of confusion, I clarified, "Gay Papa Hale," giving him a weak "beat that sucker" smile. I could pretend for now, let myself believe that the attack had never happened, that it was just a figment of my imagination. I just needed to open my eyes and it wouldn't be there.
Jazz's face lit up with the smile I had grown to love so much. He answered brightly, "Well, there you are. I was afraid I had lost you somewhere."
"Miss Swan reporting," I said, giving him a mock salute, letting myself enjoy the false pretense that everything was alright.
"Your nose is reporting too. Holy crow! You've never achieved that shade of red. Bella Swan sets a new record."
"You're lame," I said sleepily, hiding a foolish smile, it felt good to think about something else. My chest felt lighter, more open, not constricted anymore.
"Yet you love me, Jazzy B," he replied with a wink.
I stared at him for longer than necessary, just letting my mind store the picture of that smile. I hadn't realized till today, how much that goofy, ever present smile meant to me. I committed it to my memory for any darker times when there was no sign of light for long distances. It would be my guide always; my compass directing me to the hope of reaching light one day.
"What?" Jazz asked, suddenly conscious of my unwavering eyes.
"Nothing," I said, shaking my head to come back to my senses before saying something I needed to.
"Thanks."
I expected him to pull a typical Jazz on me, asking me "for what?" But he didn't.
"Your welcome," he whispered in such a low voice I almost didn't hear him, but that wouldn't be possible. As a best friend, so many things left unsaid were understood. Vocalization was never a necessity, we were above all that. But today, he seemed older, one night had matured him. Matured me. Matured us both to reach a new level in our relationship.
The moment was destroyed by a doctor rushing into the room with a nurse hot on his heels.
"Mr. Hale, what are you doing here? I told you to stay out of the patient's room and in the waiting area. At any rate, we must discuss something privately with the patient."
"You can't get me to leave, Doc. I am going to stay right here. Try and stop me," Jazz said, his eyes shinning with fierce protectiveness.
The doctor looked at me in askance, worry lines creasing his already wrinkled forehead. I nodded my head, unable to speak. My heart pounded in my ears. The haze had disappeared; my body was on high alert while I wondered what was in store for me this time.
The doctor took a deep breath, holding his hand out for a paper that the nursed handed to him.
He began speaking in an official, detached voice, "While you were unconscious, we had to take some blood samples to ensure that you had not been drugged and to confirm there were no other medical complications."
Bile churned in my stomach as fear settled on my mind. What if I got ...?
I looked at Jazz, whose expression mirrored me. My breaths sped up as the nurse looked at me with sympathy. Why is she looking at me like that?
The doctor cleared his throat to get our attention. He looked me straight in the eye with a blank expression and said the words that made a deep sense of dread rise in my throat.
"Miss Swan, we've got your blood test results."
A/N: How did you like this side of Jazz? Why do you think Edward didn't show up; what possibly could have held him back? And finally, could Bella get pregnant or have contracted a serious illness?
Just a request, leave me a review, they really do help me with the writing process a lot. I love hearing what you like, or dislike and incorporate that into my writing.
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