Noah closes the door to his bedroom and walks up to a wall mounted shelf full of trophies.
"Hey, ya wasn't kidding, was ya?" I ask looking in wonder at his prizes. I walk up next to him and peer at the different trophies. "How many do you have?"
"Nearly twenty. I had a pushy mum who would enter me into any competition going."
He looks sideways at me and smiles. I smile back.
I have had a really cool night so far. Noah and I have a right laugh together. We get on well. But what I have really liked about tonight is that we are hanging out with his friends and it isn't weird or anything. The world hasn't stopped turning.
I have a suspicion they all think that Noah and I are an item. I'll tell you how I got to that conclusion.
Evidence number one. All the lads are here with their girlfriends. That would make me Noah's sort of date for the night. I noticed this as soon as I entered the apartment holding a crate of beers in my arms. I thought it was the perfect present for three young guys sharing a home.
Evidence number two. Ethan, Doug and Riley are all being super nice to me; almost too nice, as if Noah has warned them to be on their best behaviour to impress me.
Evidence number three. They have probably noticed how Noah and me are pretty much inseparable since I met him three weeks ago. I see him every day at work now that I work at Look Sharpe. He is helping me out with getting a bit more bulk to my body and now I have a small six pack and decent definition in my arms. We go for after work drinks and nights out with his friends or Amy or alone. He has suggested going to Chez Chez a couple of times but I have managed to come up with an excuse not to go.
Anyway, with that evidence, I can see how Noah's mates have put two and two together and come up with five but they are wrong.
We aren't together, not properly. I have told Noah that I am not yet emotionally ready. I have been honest with him. I said I needed to take a breather after Rae and my ex 'kind of' boyfriend.
And I think he gets it or at least he tries to. He is prepared to be my friend but I know that I am leading him on a bit. He fancies me and it is nice to feel wanted by someone who is totally open and unashamed of their feelings.
I don't want to let him go.
I look at my new sort of friend before gingerly picking up one of the bigger trophies off the shelf.
"Bloody hell! It is heavier than it looks." I say and read the inscription.
1st Prize North of England Championships- Junior Jujutsu
I smile at Noah. "Impressive."
"I know." He grins. "I can kick ass."
I put it down again and turn to face him.
"I wanted to say thank you for the meal. It was really nice."
He frowns and then gives me his signature cheeky grin. "Just nice? I slaved over that lasagne for hours! All that blood, sweat and tears for 'nice'?"
"Oh no! I didn't mean it like that." I say in a rush. "It was brilliant. Honestly. The whole experience was great ... I, um, have never really done the whole dinner party thing, you know. I liked it. I felt really welcome."
I blush. We never did the whole sit down meal thing when I was a kid. Isn't that crazy? Today has been my first proper meal around a table in a home.
Noah leans in a little, closing the distance between us and lowers his voice. "Well, it was nice for me too. I'm glad you came."
Something shifts in his eyes and I am suddenly aware of how close he is. His breathing is steady and his intense look is unwavering. I can smell his aftershave. It is so different to Brendan's but pleasant. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the blue duvet cover on his double bed and I realize where this could all lead.
I freeze when I feel his warm breath cross the very short space between his lips and mine.
Fuck. He is about to kiss me.
"I, um." I stutter and take a small step away from him. "Yeah. Shall we join the rest of the guys now that I have seen the-"
I point at the trophies.
He takes my pointing hand and intertwines it with his.
"There is no rush, is there?" He asks softly.
"Um, no." I swallow nervously. I stare down at our connected hands. My voice is serious. "Noah."
"Yes."
I look at him. "I can't do this." I loosen my hand out of his. "I thought I made that clear."
"Only your words are clear. But everything else tells me there is no reason why we shouldn't be together. We get on. We flirt even and I really like you, Ste. That is painfully obvious and I know you like me."
I nod. "Yeah, but I'm not ready."
"But you love my body, for example!" He grins and quickly raises his shirt giving me a flash peek of his toned abs.
I nearly lose my train of thought until I cast my eyes up to his face again and laugh in embarrassment. "Please! What gives you that idea?"
"I've seen you checking out my pecks and pert behind in the changing rooms!"
"As if!" I grin.
"The drooling has got to stop, Ste. Get it together, man! I know I have a hard sexy body but this is becoming embarrassing!" He teases me and winks.
I can't deny it. I have been checking him out. I am only human. Believe me, you would too...
"Well I could say the same about you." I say stepping up to him again. Noah has managed to change the mood to playful in a heartbeat and has made me feel relaxed again.
"Oh yeah?" His eyes are all sparkling with fun.
"Yeah." I say. "You keep giving me those eyes. The ones that say, 'You are one hell of a sexy beast, Ste Hay, and I want you now!' "
I cross my arms in front of me and grin.
"My eyes say that to you?" He asks. "I didn't know they could talk!"
I don't know when he placed his hands on my hips but I notice them when he pulls me to him.
"Ha ha ha! You know what I mean." I say softly. "You have them on now."
"What?" He says leaning in.
"The 'come to bed' eyes." I whisper. "Stop."
"I can't." He says and leans into me.
He kisses me and for a second I am surprised. But then I let him because it feels good. In fact I give as good as I get and for a while I think of nothing other than us. But then his hands begin to travel down my back and I am reminded of Brendan doing the same thing weeks ago when I knew he was begging me with actions to stay with him. It was the day we said our final goodbye.
It puts me in the present and I pull away from Noah breathlessly. "Okay. Okay."
"Fuck Ste! Things were just getting good." He says looking a little dazed.
I touch his chest. "Just give me a little more time, okay?" I ask and I know I sound like a girl but, fuck it, I am being honest.
"Are you giving me a definite maybe?"
I nod. I need to sort out my head but only a fool would say that Noah is a bad choice. I would be mad not to at least consider his offer of being with him.
"Yes! Score!" He punches the air. "Slowly but surely Noah is winning Ste over! Result."
I laugh at him and he grabs one my hands. "Okay, let's go join the guys. We can play a little C.O.D."
"Cool." I don't know what he is saying.
When we get into the living room the lads are gathered around the large flat screen TV watching Ethan play a shoot'em up type video game. They turn to stare at us.
"Hi. We didn't think we would see you for the rest of the night." Riley raises his eyebrows suggestively at his best friend and then looks at our interlinked hands.
"Yeah, we thought we could hear the Earth move!" Doug smiles at us.
"You are so funny, Dougs." Noah says in reaction to the ribbing. "Where are the girls?"
"Painting the town red. I think they are going to Chez Chez a little later." Ethan says distractedly as he continues to play. "Ah, the fucker!" He screams at the screen.
"They decided to pass on Call of Duty." Doug explains.
"I wonder why?" I say under my breath. I am not big on gaming.
"You want to play, Ste?" Ethan asks.
"You're alright. I'll watch." I say and slip my hand out of Noah's so I can perch on the arm of a couch.
Noah cracks open my beers and passes them around. We look on as Doug takes over and demolishes his opponents on screen.
"Oh, you'll never guess who I bumped into on my way here. I forgot to say earlier." Riley says.
"Who?" I ask.
"Mitzeee." He says with a grin. "She asked me if I fancied doing some modelling for some charity show she is doing. Said I had the look she was looking for."
He looks smug as hell.
Noah laughs and says. "What? Buck-toothed and pigeon-chested?"
"Jealous!" Riley says grinning.
"Um. Don't think so!" Noah retorts. He squeezes my shoulder and gives me a wink.
"When is it?" Doug asks while rapidly moving his fingers over the commands.
"Don't know but there is a fitting on Saturday morning at SUBAR." Riley says. He hesitates before continuing. "She asked me if I had mates that might be interested in taking part."
Ethan groans. "Oh, no way, my missus wouldn't like that; other girls looking at her man's business. I am already in the dog house with the whole Theresa thing."
"And I'm not showing my junk to strangers. No sir!" Doug shakes his head.
"I don't know? Might be fun." Noah says. "What do you think, Ste."
"Don't think so. I haven't got the physique."
"Says who?"
'That is just what that house for posers needs. Stephen's puny little arms.' I remember Bren said.
"No one. I would get too self conscious."
"I think she is using her bloke as the main model." Riley says. "But I might be wrong."
"Brendan?" I say as I feel my mouth run dry.
"Maybe it is better if you don't do it, Noah." Doug mumbles quietly.
"Why?"
"I, um, I don't know. It seems like a load of shit."
"It's for charity." Noah says giving Doug a funny look.
I look closely at the blond American. He looks on edge.
"Mate, you have taken your eye off the game." Ethan says to him.
"It doesn't matter." Doug says. "I just think that we should be careful."
Why doesn't he want Noah to help out with the modelling? Has this got anything to do with Brendan? After all, I know that they have done 'business' together in the past.
"I think we should do it." Noah says. "It will be a laugh."
-0-0-
I allow Noah to lead me into the SUBAR a few days later on Saturday morning.
The place looks less like a bar and more like backstage at London fashion week. There are lots of cute looking guys in various states of undress being measured, dressed and generally manhandled.
I want to leave straight away but Noah tightens his grip in my hand and gives me a gentle wink.
"Oh there you are!" Riley says waving at us from the bar area. He is topless but has a smart pair of dark grey suit trousers on and an undone bowtie hanging from his neck, a blond James' Bond after a night of seduction. "Look at what Mitzeee has got me wearing for eveningwear. She is calling the eveningwear section of the catwalk 'deconstructed Bond.' "
Noah grins. "Nice abs."
"Stop eyeing me up." Riley smiles at his best friend but flexes his pecks at him. "Mum is going to kill me."
I am surprised. How old is Riley? He looks too old to be under his mother's thumb.
"She'll be proud of you." Noah reassures him.
"Where are Ethan and Doug?" I ask.
"Ethan got called back to the station. There is some emergency going on but he has been fitted already. And Doug is getting changed for the underwear section of the show."
"The what?" My eyes nearly pop out. No way. I am not baring myself like that.
"Um fellas." The three of us turn to see Mitzeee approaching us. "Less talking more stripping. You two are late."
"Morning to you, too." I say.
"Ste." She says and looks up and down my body that is covered in trackie bums and a hoodie top. "I see you are working chav chic."
She turns her nose up at me.
"Hey, don't be mean! Ste looks good." Noah defends me.
"I'll be the judge of what looks good here. It is my show." She says with a sickly sweet smile. She cocks her head to one side as she studies me. "You've been breaking hearts haven't you, young man."
My skin crawls at her words. I forgot. Of course she would know about what happened between Bren and me but she is mistaken. There is no way Brendan can be hurting the way I am hurting over the fact that we are through.
"Not really." I say shakily. "Some hearts are unbreakable."
"I'm sure Rae will get over it." Noah says. He doesn't know that this is not about her. "Sounds harsh but it is better now than later."
"I wouldn't be so sure. People put up fronts, alter egos, to make themselves bulletproof to the world. It doesn't mean they hurt any less. They just don't let it show. I should know." She says softly looking at me.
"Anyway, you boys are doing a good thing by volunteering. This is all for a good cause."
"What's that?" Riley asks.
She smirks. "That is to be announced."
Noah laughs. "So you don't know yet."
I look at the other guys that Mitzeee has roped into doing her show. I am clearly not like them. Tall. Buff. Good looking. Fashion conscious.
"I don't think I am what you are looking for." I say self-consciously.
She narrows her eyes at me. "Your look might work. You have that twink thing going on."
I don't know what she means.
"Take your clothes off." She says to me before turning to Noah. "And you too, hotness."
Noah smiles and disrobes quickly to his underwear and Mitzeee smiles in appreciation. "Nice." She says.
I scrunch my face up at her. "Uh. No. I'm not stripping in front of everyone."
"Fine. There are always some shy ones." She says. She walks up to me and pats me down. "You know what, I can feel a few muscles here. Small ones but they are there."
It should be a compliment but it sounds like an insult. She suddenly shouts, "Paul! Could you get Noah into his evening outfit and give Ste a suit to try out in the bathroom."
A harassed looking guy in the corner of the room nods and walks up to us.
"Once you've changed, weasel face; come out so I can see." She says to me.
"Not if you keep calling me that." I say and walk off with Paul.
He takes one look at me and hands me a light gray slim line suit. "You'll look great in this."
I am not as convinced. Me, in a suit? I don't think so. "Where is the shirt?"
"You know where the bathrooms are, yeah?" Paul raises an eyebrow and then walks away. So I guess that means that there is no shirt.
I take my suit and make my way towards the bathrooms that are doubling up as changing rooms for the shy ones amongst us.
I pass Doug... in underwear only.
"Ste!" He says in surprise and cups himself.
"Hi."
"Look at what Mitzeee has done to me." He says. I briefly take in the bright multicolour boxer briefs he is wearing.
"I'm refusing." I say.
"You can try." He says.
I try to get round him but he blocks my path. "Um, where are you going?"
I frown at his suddenly nervous expression. I show him my suit and look at him as if he is going crazy.
"Getting changed in there." I point at the closed door of the male bathrooms.
"Um, yeah, right. Okay." He looks back at the door as if undecided about what to do next.
"Doug, you are blocking my way."
"Oh." He steps aside and lets me pass. "Good luck."
I throw him a look that lets him know that I think he is acting weird.
When I get into the bathroom I get why.
Brendan is standing there in a black one-button, single breasted dinner suit. The suit jacket is open and he is shirtless underneath but his bow tie is done up perfectly and his feet are bare.
What I don't understand is why Doug knew to be nervous for me. He doesn't know about me and Brendan, does he?
Brendan stares at me evenly. He must be just as shocked to see me here as I am to see him. He looks so hot that I nearly drop my suit. After ogling him for longer than appropriate I look anywhere but at him.
I turn my back to him and put my suit on a level surface. What now? I can't get changed in front of him.
"I'll leave." I hear him say.
I turn to face him. "That isn't necessary."
"Come off it. I am obviously making you feel uncomfortable, Stephen."
We are as far from each other as we can be in this room but I feel him as if he is right by me.
"It's okay. Really." I lie. I have to be adult about this. I can't keep avoiding him. Hollyoaks is too small and we have to find out a way to exist in the same space.
I quickly take off my clothes until I am down to my boxers. I can't believe that he stares at me throughout. My body is burning under his gaze.
"I didn't think you were doing the show." He says.
I quickly slip into the trousers. "Um, No. I wasn't but Noa-, um, a mate, persuaded me."
I throw on the suit jacket and look in the mirror so that I catch Brendan in the reflection. It fits perfectly. I don't look half bad in it.
"Your boyfriend." Bren says.
"He is a friend." I clarify. "We are seeing how things go."
He nods. "I see."
I do up my zip and button up my trousers and then do the two buttons of the suit.
I see him walk up to me in the mirror. "Turn around."
I do and I hold my breath. What is he going to do?
He grabs my lapels and runs his hands down them until he gets to the pockets of my jacket. He extracts a bowtie.
"Dickie bow." He says.
He wraps it around my neck and tugs lightly forcing me closer to him. He breaths in, inhaling me and then breaths out again, really slowly.
Then he undoes the buttons on my suit jacket.
"He makes you happy?" He whispers as he rests his forehead against mine.
"Yes." I say.
He pulls away from me.
"Good. Good." He pats my chest twice.
"Does Doug know about us?" I ask. He looks tired. "He has been acting strange to Noah. To me."
"No." He says. He closes his eyes for a second. "But he thinks something is up with you, Noah and me."
My heart thuds. "Why?"
"Because I asked him to do something. I asked him to tell me whenever you and Noah got together."
I can't believe it. He was keeping tabs on me. "Were you worried I would tell him about you? I haven't. I wouldn't. I know how much keeping who you are secret is important to you."
He stares at me. "You think I was worried about you outing me?"
"Weren't you?" Why else had he asked Doug to stalk me and Noah?
He says nothing for a moment. "You went to his for supper on Tuesday. You had lasagne and he showed you his martial arts prizes."
I take a step away from him. He is freaking me out. "That is not funny. Stop having me followed." I say.
"I have stopped already." He says and closes the gap between us again. "But there is something that I can't get out of my head."
"What is that?"
"Did you and him...?" He searches my faces and swallows. "Have you slept together?"
"That is none of your business."
He stares me down. "You haven't."
I push at him. I hate that he is the one that is holding me back from moving things forward with Noah. "I should get back out there. Mitzeee wants to see if the suit fits."
"It does. You look good." He says softly.
I smile instinctively. Compliments from him are so rare. "Thank you." I say honestly.
I see his cheek twitching.
"Brendan, I hope that one day we can be friends." I continue. "If you want me as one."
He stares at me and then walks to the door. My heart slumps in my chest. He doesn't want anything to do with me.
"Are you coming then?" He says. "We don't want to piss my girlfriend off."
He smiles briefly and I follow him out of the bathroom.
