Chapter 9: Mutual Laughs and Losing Him Again
B POV
My night was restless, sleepless and flustered. I kept tossing and turning, waking up every half an hour. I shifted positions on the bed, threw all the pillows on the floor and even got more blankets but nothing helped. I kept thinking of him, as I always do. I kept thinking of the frustration he caused. I nearly screamed out in aggravation. I ended up falling asleep in a semi-circle shape. My head was at the left length of the bed and my legs at the headboard. My arm was dangling off the side of the bed and I felt my muscles ache when I moved them.
My emotions were a tangled mess. I didn't know what to feel anymore. I felt happiness for the fact that Edward and I were reconciled and best friends again. I was angry at myself for being too scared to admit my feelings for Edward to him. I was sad and resentful to the fact that Edward would never love me. Most importantly I was confused and there was only one word to describe what I felt about each and every day with Edward: frustration.
Why can't I just toughen up and talk to him? Why can't I just ask him to clear up this perplexity? Why can't Edward just make it palpable? I didn't even know what Edward and I were anymore. Why would friends try to kiss one another, on various occasions? Maybe it was just my wild imagination running away from me again.
I felt a huge lump form in my throat, which made it hard to swallow. Without warning, tears cascaded down my cheeks. I didn't even know I was crying until I felt my shirt get wet as my tears dripped on them. I let it all out then, I cried to my heart's content. I needed to get it all out of my system when I was alone rather than have a breakdown in front of the whole student population. Once my crying jag was over, my throat was dry and sore, my eyes were red beyond belief and I had a huge headache from crying for so long. There was one thing I was certain about though; I wanted to be happy. All I want is to be happy. I don't know how that happiness would find me, if it ever would. I needed to be strong.
I glanced at the clock to find that it was only six in the morning. I was also quite angry at the fact that my body can't seem to understand that I need to sleep longer. What is it with getting up early all the time?
Since I was up, I decided to get ready. I walked into my bathroom and shuddered at what I saw in the mirror. My eyes were red, my hair looked like a haystack and I looked like a complete wreck. I had to clear my throat several times before I was able to speak again. I brushed my teeth mechanically and stepped into the hot shower. I reached up and turned the music on in the shower. I turned the body jets on and let the water attack me from all directions. I sat down on the seat in the shower. I don't know how long I had been sitting in the shower, but I was turning into a prune so I quickly washed my hair and stepped out.
I walked into my closet not caring if Alice wanted me to wear something of her choice today. I picked indigo skinny jeans which had bows on the side seams. I wore a long floral-printed t-shirt which had a 'Break the Rules' motif on it. On top of that I added a black hanky hem jersey waistcoat. I found some stunning ballet pumps which had gold studs on it and a bow at the front. I grabbed a red tartan blazer and a red tartan scarf to match. I didn't feel like bothering with my hair today so I pulled it into a messy bun with a few strands around my face. I tossed in a pink headband for the sole purpose of pleasing Alice . As I was walking out I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was very surprised. I had only thrown the outfit together but it looked nice.
I walked downstairs and into the kitchen to have breakfast, as I did so I noticed that Charlie had already gone to work. I was eating Cheerios when I had sudden inspiration. The phrase 'Just wanna be happy' had been repeating itself in my head ever since this morning. I quickly tossed down my cheerios and ran down to my studio. I grabbed my guitar and a few sheets of blank music and began writing. It was already eight on the clock by the time I had finished. I quickly pressed start and began recording it.
Someone once told me
That you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be
So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
Cause I'm just tryan be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just tryan play my roll
Slowly disappear, oooh
Well all these tears
They feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
Well I can stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by
So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
Cause I'm just tryan be happy
Just wanna be happy
Oooh…
So any turns that I can't see
Ill count a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything
So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just try to be happy
Just wanna be happy
I quickly transferred it onto my laptop and ran upstairs to grab my phone. As I entered I saw my phone flashing, indication a new text. I sprinted to my table so fast that I nearly tripped and banged my head on the corner of it. There were two unread messages; one was from Alice, the other from…Edward. I jumped with joy as I saw that the message was from him. This only just proves no matter how much pain it causes me, I cannot live without him.
Alice's message read:
Hell-o sunshine :D!
I just wanted to say that u can wear anything 2day cuz I will be dressing u up big time on Friday bcuz Sahaj and Roslyn will be arriving. :D EEEPPPPP! CAN'T WAIT!
See u at skool. Ly xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I groaned at the Bella Barbie session that would come on Friday. I opened the next text from Edward wondering what it would say:
Hey Bella
Sorry I cant pick u up 2day Im running late. Really really sorry!
C u at skool
X
I didn't know what to make of this, was he just avoiding me? I replied instantly:
Hey Edward
It's okay, seriously! I have a car, I can't just let it get all rusty! I'm driving myself to school from now on!
C u at skool
X
I grabbed my Jack Wills bag and tossed my laptop in it as I had a free period today so I could do whatever I wanted. I grabbed my car keys and my phone and raced downstairs as I was running late myself. I unlocked my Aston Martin and hopped inside, racing to make to Forks High before the bell goes.
As I parked my car next to a silver Volvo, I smiled. I slung my bag on my shoulder and stepped out of my car. I quickly found a mess of bronze hair coming towards me and I grinned. Edward pulled me into a hug; I was so shocked that it took me a while to respond. I knew then that the tension and awkwardness was locked in a drawer at the back of our heads. I was just so happy to see him!
"Bella, I'm sorry that I couldn't pick you up-" Edward pulled back and started.
"Edward seriously it's fine! Anyway, why do you insist on picking me up? I already have a car!"
His face fell a little and I knew I had hurt him. He quickly put the happy mask on his face before I could see any further into his deep pool of emotions.
"Carpool to save the environment?" he grinned sheepishly.
"Coming from the one who has four cars," I scoffed. "No really what is it?"
"Because I wanted to spend more time with you; would you rather I didn't?" he said completely serious. Right there in that moment, he took my breath away.
"I-I d-didn't say th-that," I stuttered at a loss of words. Edward simply grinned and we headed towards Alice who was waiting eagerly for me.
"Bye Bella!" Edward waved to me as he walked to homeroom.
"Oh my god!" Alice gushed as I reached her. "I love your hair! It looks so sexy! But at the same time, so casual! It's genius!"
"Okay," I dragged out my words. " Alice all I did was throw it in a bun because I couldn't be bothered to do anything extravagant with it."
"I know but still! It's awesome!" Alice kept ranting about this until we got to homeroom, where she was forced to be quiet. It wasn't over though, she logged onto her FaceBook and updated her status to: 'Bella's hair is sexy! Right?' She had sneakily taken a picture of me and uploaded it as well. I commented on her status saying: 'NO it is NOT! Now take the pic. off!"
'No way! ;)' she commented again. I gave up after that.
Throughout the morning I got lots of notifications telling me people had commented on Alice 's pic of me. Most of them were from perverted guys like Mike, Eric and Tyler. Almost all of the comments were: 'Oooh sexy!' or 'Hotttt!'. Seriously they have no sense if they think I am 'sexy' or 'hott'. I smiled at what Rose wrote: 'Totally! I love u B xxxx'.
I filed out of the room once the class ended having no idea what it was about. I had a free period next so I dumped all of my books in my locker. I walked around the school aimlessly, not knowing what to do until I came outside. I sat on one of the rusty benches and fished my laptop out of my bag.
I clicked on YouTube and watched funny accident clips, in the mood for a good laugh. I was watching PotterPuppetPals when I heard a loud pop in my ear. I jumped so fast I nearly dropped my Mac, I turned to glare at the person who had scared me out of my wits and came face to face with a smirking Edward.
"That was for yesterday," he said sitting down besides me, referring to the fact that I had scared him shitless when he was waiting outside the gym for me.
"Well I would pick you up and sling over my shoulder, but since I can't I guess we're even!"
"Oohhh I love this! It's so funny!" Edward said noticing what I was watching and grabbing an earphone. We spent the majority of my free period on the bench watching all of the PotterPuppetPals' videos. Once we had done that, we were talking about how random and weird they were.
"SNAPE," Edward suddenly leaned towards me mimicking the Snape puppet in the video we had just watched. I was supposed to reciprocate but my breath caught in my throat by his sheer proximity to me.
"HARRY!" I bobbed my head toward him while he leaned back and yelled in his face caricaturing the Harry puppet in the video.
"SNAPE!"
"HARRY!"
"SNAPE!"
"HARRY!" Then we both simultaneously shouted:
"DUMBLEDORE!" and we both doubled over in laughter at each other's randomness.
Someone was walking past at that very moment, she looked at Edward and I, then gave us the 'WTF?' look. We looked at each other, shrugged and laughed even harder at the look she gave us. I looked at Edward; he looked so beautiful while he was laughing. The way he ran his fingers through his untamable hair...The twinkle in his eyes... I shook my head to rid myself of these thoughts but still kept staring at Edward as he laughed.
The bell rang signaling lunch, Edward and I walked to lunch together. Fortunately I didn't have any trouble from Lauren or Jessica today, for which I was grateful. Alice and Rosalie insisted that we have a sleepover again this weekend. I had no choice but to say yes.
Biology breezed by with Edward and I completing our experiment first. I swear we were the only bright ones in this class. When Edward and I were in an animated conversation, realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I drove myself to school, which inadvertently meant that I would be driving myself home, alone. My heart sank. My mood brightened as suddenly as it had dampened because I just had a brilliant epiphany. I must have blanked out because Edward was suddenly waving his hands in front of my face trying to get me to snap out of my current state.
"Edward?" he relaxed instantaneously when I spoke his name
"Yeah?" he said staring right into my eyes making me lose my train of thought. Shit! What was I going to say?
"Do you mind helping me with my Geometry homework after school," I even though I was getting straight A's in the subject. Edward smirk told me he knew this too. Busted! I flushed and looked anywhere but his statuesque eyes.
"I would love to," Edward put a finger underneath my chin and lifted my head so I would meet his eyes. He beamed a thrillingly beautiful smile at me.
I shouted a quick goodbye to Edward as I ran to Gym, preparing for an hour of torture. We played volleyball and I managed to hit Mike twice on the back of his head. Poor Boy, but he deserved it for all the comments he posted about my 'sexy hairstyle'.
As I walked toward Edward after Gym, I caught sight of Lauren and her cronies glaring it me. If looks could kill I would have been subjected to hell within one second. So the niceness charade is out the window then.
I pulled out of the parking lot after I told Edward to follow me home. I kept looking in my rear-view mirror to make sure he was following me, for some reason I felt like he was going disappear.
Once we were both seated on the leather sofas in my living room, we started doing our homework. I couldn't concentrate on anything with this god-like creature sitting in front of me.
"Edward?"
"Hmmm?" Edward said looking up from his own homework, I was immediately entranced by the way he was chewing his pen. His lips curled over the edges and the pen caught in his open mouth. He bit down on his pen again, still looking expectantly at me. I shook my head, dazed.
"How many electrons are there on the outer shell of a Lithium atom?" I read out the question from my own sheet, I knew the answer but I just wanted to talk to him.
"Oh that's-wait. Do your own homework!" He said finally catching on. I grabbed a cushion from the sofa and hit him with it.
"I hate you," I said to him, joking.
"Aww I love you too!" he joked back standing up, grabbing another cushion and flinging it at me. Oh, how I wish he meant it. I picked up the cushion from where it had landed on the floor and chased him around the room hitting him repeatedly with it. Before long, it had turned into a full-blown cushion fight.
I was clutching my sides in hysterics on the floor when my phone started ringing. I sat up suddenly wondering who it could be. I scrambled around the room tripping a few times, which earned a few chuckles from Edward, before I found my phone wedged in the fold of the sofa. I smile lit up my face when I saw the Caller ID.
"Jacob!" I enthusiastically greeted him, out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward's hands ball up into tight clenched fists, his eyes darken and he sat rigidly back down, staying immobile after that.
"Bells," I heard Jake's husky voice from the other end.
"How are you, Jake? I haven't seen you in AGES!"
"That's why I called Bells! Can we hang out sometime? What about tomorrow?"
"Yeah sure; I'll come after school!" I beamed at the thought of seeing my best friend, the one who had helped me through my hard time of losing Edward.
"Bye Bells!"
"Bye Jake!" I hung up and was positively beaming until I saw Edward, then any traces of happiness left my face.
"Edward, are you okay?" I asked gingerly taking a step closer to him.
"I don't want you hanging out with him," Edward said to me, his eyes nearly pitch black. They scared me and amazed me at the same time.
"Wh-What?" I stuttered not being able to comprehend what was being said to be.
"I don't want you to be around him!" Edward said through his gritted teeth, this is the first time that Edward had ever been angry at me and it scared me to oblivion. Sudden anger rose in me.
"Why?"
"Bella, stay away from him!" Edward ignored my question and continued in his dark tone.
"No!" I was surprised at me sudden courage. "I will not leave him just because you told me so!"
"Bella, he-" I cut him off.
"He was there for me when you weren't!" I instantly regretted the words as they tumbled out of my mouth with zero filtering as I saw the expression of guilt and pain cross his beautiful face, instantly replaced with anger again.
"Bella, I don't want you to be friends with him!"
"What? Edward, I know you don't like Jacob, but nothing gives you any right what-so-ever to control who I can and cannot be friends with!" my voice had reached hysteria at this point. I sneaked a peek at Edward, he stood rigid in the same position and I could tell he was infuriated. Beneath the anger I saw that I had hurt him, a lot.
Suddenly he stormed out of the living room; I heard the front door slam, a car start up and I heard it screech away. I slowly walked up the stairs, one by one, feeling numb as the gravity of my loss hit me. I had only just got Edward back; I can't believe I lost him again. I curled up under the covers, not bothering to change, feeling guilty, angry and heartbroken. Sobs wracked through my body as I gently cried myself to sleep.
E POV
I pulled over to the side of the road and smashed my head against the steering wheel. What the fuck have I just done?
