Hey everyone! thanks for reading my fic and for reviewing! It means a ton! Sorry for the mistakes in the previos chapter with the first person to third person thing!
I was writing really quickly wanting to give you all more to read....so i didn't realize my mistakes! really sorry about that XD
Sorry for not updating sooner....i was really busy. Hope you like this new chapter!
Chapter 9: Consequences
When Nyota finally got to her room she sighed in relief. She quickly stripped down and got in the shower. It was so nice to have warm water. She stayed in the shower for a while, letting the hot water wash away all the cold in her bones. Then she got out, got dressed in a clean uniform and fixed her hair. Satisfied with her appearance she left the room and went to attend her classes. The day flew by, and soon she was due to meet Spock for their tutoring lesson. She was nervous about facing him, but she couldn't help being excited as well. She had already given Gaila a reasonable explanation of why she had been out last night, so she knew Gaila wouldn't bother her about her excitement at the private lesson. Taking her PADD she left the room and walked towards Spock's apartment. Her heart was beating quickly and she couldn't stop the thoughts that raced around her head. She was terrified that he would quote the rule book at her and she was hopeful that he wouldn't. When she finally arrived at his door she had to breathe deeply before asking for permission to enter. When the permission was granted she walked into the room. Spock was sitting at his kitchenette and nursing a cup of tea. He looked up at her as she entered.
"Would you like some tea Cadet?" he asked and the use of her title didn't escape her. Her heart sank but she nodded. She took a seat across him and placed her PADD down. She waited for him to bring the tea, and then watched as he sat himself. His hands were folded neatly on his lap.
"How are you Spock?" She asked in Vulcan.
He blinked. "Nyota there is a matter I must discuss with you."
Nyota's heart jumped from fear and anticipation. It was coming now and she didn't know whether to want the talk to come or for it to be delayed. She nodded and took a sip of her tea. She barely tasted it.
"Nyota, yesterday I believe we over stepped our boundaries. We both know that a relationship between a professor and student is against the rulebook. I would like to make it clear that I value your friendship and do not want to lose it because of a foolish act. I would like to continue our friendship but know that nothing more will result." He told her all of this while looking at his tea. His cheeks flushed at the end and he looked up at her. Nyota didn't know what to say, the fact that he valued her friendship made her feel elated but the fact that friendship was the only thing on his mind crushed her. She tried to breathe deeply to calm herself. But she couldn't not when the man she was in love with was looking at her and breaking her heart into small little bits.
"Yes of course. Of course Commander Spock." She replied forcing her voice to remain neutral, despite the force that seemed to be clutching her chest and squeezing hard. She gulped and took a hasty sip of tea.
Spock watched Nyota's face flint through several different expressions. He sincerely hoped that she couldn't tell that he was lying through his teeth. The fact was that he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship but he knew it was wrong to do so. The rule book clearly stated this. Deep down his heart was crumbling at his own words and his gut was clenched. When Nyota final spoke he could detect a forced sound to it. Her words were logical but they cut him deeply. He knew that what he was doing was logical but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. In fact it hurt more than anything else that had happened to him.
He watched Nyota and knew that she was just as hurt as him. Still it needed to be done. "I believe that it would be best if we cancel this lesson today. I myself am in need of rest and I know you could use some too." He suggested.
Nyota's eyes were clouded and her gaze passed through everything she saw. She nodded mutely and it broke his heart to see her in such pain, because of him. He watched as Nyota stood up, took her PADD, nodded to him and then walked out of his apartment. He was filled with extreme sadness to see her walk away. It was illogical to be so attached to another being but right then he felt utterly miserable. The image of her sinking through the water came to his mind, he know knew what it would have felt like to lose her. He distinctly remembered yelling her name and running after her. The realization that he had indeed yelled after Nyota shocked him. He had not displayed such emotion since his childhood. He should have a better hold on his emotions now, he knew. It had been illogical for him to display such emotion as it did nothing to change the situation. He mentally promised himself to never yell in panic, fear or anger again, no matter what the circumstances. Shaking his head slightly he sighed, and blinked the hotness in his eyes away. He needed to meditate he decided. He needed to meditate for as long as was required to rid Cadet Uhura from his mind.
Nyota walked mutely through the hallways. She didn't know what to think or what to do. She felt empty, hollow, as if nothing in the world would ever matter again. Maybe it wouldn't. The only sensation she was aware of was the cold, deep hole in her gut. It felt like she would drown in that hole, that nothing would ever be able to save her from falling into the abyss. Her feet carried her to her room. She knew that some part of her had decided that the best thing was to go to her room, fall into bed and cry her sorrows away. However the moment she entered the room she noticed that Gaila was there, and with a boy. She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to hear the sympathy or the scoffs at her complete naivety. She glanced at Gaila who frowned and then quickly turned on her heel.
"Sorry. I'm going out Gaila. I'll be back later. Homework, studying." She heard herself state flatly. She left the room, knowing that Gaila was watching her leave with a concerned look on her face. She didn't care right then. Nyota was aware that her feet carried her outside and to a transport vehicle. Only when she got off the transporter did she notice where she was. The ocean lay in front of her, cold and gray under the fog. A wall of fog was approaching, and she could see some real clouds above. She looked down the beach and saw the rocks that only last night had provided protection for her and Spock.
Her heart lurched and she wrapped her arms around herself, trying in vain to heal the open wound inside of her. She began walking down the beach, her feet kicking up sand as she went. The beach was almost vacant, nobody wanted to be there when the fog and clouds were coming in, and when the wind was blowing hard. She shivered.
Nyota glanced around, her eyes sweeping in the view. Waves, sand, dunes, rocks, shrubs, fog, clouds. Everything looked gray. Just like she felt. She walked to the rocks where she had slept in Spock's arms and sat down watching the ocean. She wiggled her feet into the warm sand and hugged her knees to her chest. She stared resolutely towards the water, but she couldn't stop the images of Spock from clouding her mind. Everywhere she looked she saw shadows of Spock in her memory. There he had had stood watching as she ran, there his feet had carried him after her. There his eyebrow had risen and his lips quirked. There he had entered the water, following her. There he had swam and rescued her. There she had woken up to find him holding her. She watched as in her memory she saw him smile, she felt his cheek on hers, she saw him pick her up. He was there, behind the rock, holding her as night fell.
There was nothing that she could look at, nothing she could think of that wasn't tainted with a memory of him. And it was only then, as she remembered his soft voice, his gentleman-like kindness, his warm breath on her neck—that the tears finally fell. They fell slowly at first, clouding her vision before they fell. Rolling down her cheeks in gentle, smooth lines. Nyota bit her lip and placed her chin on her knees.
Why had she fallen in love with the one person she could never have? Why did she always have to find the one person that would never love her? Of course she would always pursue the person who was least likely to ever reciprocate. She had known deep down that it would never work, and yet her treacherous heart had given her hope. She had never needed another person like she needed Spock; she had never felt like she was dying inside because of another person. It was the first time she had ever fallen in love with someone, and her love had led to this. He was so wonderful, so intelligent, so logical and so fascinating. What could she have ever offered him that a Vulcan woman couldn't? Maybe emotion, but why would a logical person like him want such an emotional person like her?
The tears came faster now, as Nyota reviewed her whole history with Spock and noted just how ignorant she had been to believe that he might reciprocate. She was cutting her own wound deeper, digging down into herself, finding the little hints that confirmed her belief that she didn't deserve Spock, that she had been doing everything wrong since the moment she met him. Some part of her knew that she was being self-destructive, that she was being illogical. But right then, as she stared at the cold dull ocean she didn't care. Experiencing the pain almost came as a relief to the numbing coldness that had enveloped her at first. The pain was like nothing she had ever felt before. It felt like her heart had been torn out, like it had been crushed and shredded to pieces. She would have sworn that if she was able to look at her heart she would see that a large chunk was missing from where it had been viciously ripped out. The knife of his rejection was imbedded into her heart, stuck there, making her bleed constantly.
Nyota could no longer see past the tears and she didn't even notice when the clouds finally joined her and let their own tears fall. The rain splattered against the sand and ocean, the wind caught it and blew it towards her. She didn't notice that her body was being peppered and that the air was becoming frigid. Some part of her was aware that she was numb with cold and that her clothes were soaked but most of her barely noticed. The only thing she knew was that she felt like she was dying and that in order to get over her pain she needed to release it all with her tears. She swallowed slightly and coughed. Tucking her legs closer to her she buried her head in her skirt and sobbed uncontrollably. Her last thought before she finally fell asleep from exhaustion was that she didn't really care if she got pneumonia and died.
Spock had never had such a hard time meditating before. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her, her perfectly shaped face and her deep brown eyes. Every time he tried to push her image from his mind he heard her calling his name as she ran down the beach. He felt her arms around his back, her soft cool skin against his chest and neck. And every time he thought of her his would feel like someone had punched him and he would experience physical pain to accompany the emotional one. He quickly became frustrated at himself, how could he have allowed himself to fall so far that he could no longer meditate his emotions away. Finally he gave up and stood up. Walking to his computer he decided to give his mother a call, she would know how to help him, she always did.
"Computer, Spock to Amanda Grayson. Visuals and sound." He realized just how horst his voice sounded, as if he was trying to speak while having his torso clenched. He was only slightly surprised to realize that that was exactly how he felt. He looked up to see his mother's image on the screen. She was looking at him smiling, but he could tell her eyes were concerned. He rarely contacted her.
"Spock, my son. Is everything fine?" She asked her eyes searching him. He looked down, away from her eyes.
"Yes, mother. I merely had a question for you." He replied forcing his voice to remain level.
"Spock look at me." Amanda commanded and he couldn't resist that motherly tone. He looked into her eyes and new that his own were betraying his emotional turmoil. "Spock, tell me what has happened. I haven't seen you this sad for many years, since your father and I last had an argument." Amanda said softly.
Spock gulped, it was illogical that he feel this way. He was ashamed of his emotions, but he knew he had to tell his mother otherwise she would never give in. "Mother. I feel extreme grief, I feel as if my heart has been removed. Yet, I know that my heart is still where it always is and that it is unharmed. How can I overcome this terrible grief?" He looked at her, and tried not to plead.
Amanda's eyes softened and she smiled sadly, "Spock, my dear son. Why do you feel this way? What has caused you this pain?" She asked.
Spock resisted the urge to swallow and responded as levelly as he could, "I believe I have caused extreme pain to one of my good friends. I believe that I have hurt both of us because of my decision." Spock answered.
"Your decision? What kind of friend was this person?" Amanda asked curiously.
"She is, or was I do not know if she will wish to remain so, my student. I also tutored her privately so that she could skip the second year of Romulan and Vulcan. Moreover she was my teacher in human culture. She is a brilliant student, the most promising xenolinguistic I have met." Spock answered, proud of Nyota's accomplishments. He also felt the hold on his chest tighten, she would probably never consider him a friend again.
Amanda raised an eyebrow delicately and her eyes lit of slightly, "Spock, I if you weren't my son I would truly believe you have become infatuated with this girl. Is that the reason you have hurt both of you? Because you have pushed her away?"
Spock gulped this time and blinked, "Mother. It would be inappropriate to harbor such feelings for a Cadet." He stated despite the fact that his eyes were screaming the approval of her conclusion.
"Spock, I know you well enough to know that you would never give a person more than they were capable of getting even if you were in a relationship with them. I know that you would never be persuaded to change a grade just because you value someone as a friend. Moreover if what you say is true, than this Cadet has no need for favoritism. It would appear that she excels greatly and had no need to cheat." Amanda told him logically.
Spock was outraged at the idea that Nyota would use her relationship with a professor for personal gain, "Mother, Nyota Uhura is a very noble and righteous Cadet. She would never use a person for her own personal gain." Spock responded his voice rising slightly.
Amanda smiled, "See Spock, there is nothing wrong. Both of you follow the rules to the dot, neither of you would abuse your relationship. Spock, please I can tell you are extremely hurt. Don't continue to hurt yourself Spock. Follow you heart for once. And if you do finally admit your feelings for her, you have to introduce her to me." Amanda grinned slightly and Spock knew his mother was happy that he had finally found a female who attracted him.
Spock nodded. "Thank you Mother. I will consider your proposal. I must go now." Spock nodded to Amanda.
"Goodbye my son. Remember whatever you chose, I will always be proud of you." Amanda replied as her image vanished from the screen.
Spock's heart swelled slightly at her last comment but his mind told him it was illogical to display such emotions. The terrible pain that had taken hold on him lessened slightly. He still didn't know what he should do. However, as he went back to meditate he found it was easier to clear his mind. As he did, he realized that despite what his mother said maintaining a relationship with Nyota was illogical and inappropriate. He hoped that they could continue to remain friends though.
He resolutely pushed away the terrible feeling of sorrow that hit him as he thought this, and refused to give in to tears that threatened to fall right then. He cleared his mind and began to meditate, attempting to gain his usual neutral emotion. However, instead a sense of numbness enveloped him, and the physical pain he had experienced before came back with twice the force. Spock clenched his fists and ground his teeth against the pain. Finally he realized it was no use. Despite having been given an opportunity by his mother, he knew that there was nothing he could do anymore. Even if he did want to pursue a romantic relationship with Nyota she would never look at him again. He didn't deserve her.
A wave of nausea hit him and he ran to his bathroom. Stripping down he got in the shower and let the warm water wash over him. It calmed him slightly but he continued to gasp and gulp. He grabbed the wall and tried to keep the tears at bay. Nyota. Nyota. Nyota. His mind insisted to repeating this mantra and he finally gave in to the terrible urge to sob. He let out a chocked yell and fell to his knees as his terrible grief finally overcame his logical mind.
