Chapter 9
Let me love, let me touch, let me love
Baby, give it up, let me drink from the fountain
In the car, on the street, in the dark
Baby, on the beach, in the back of the garden
Ooh, I'm ready, ooh, don't stop
Ooh, I'm ready, ooh, don't stop
Garden—Emeli Sandé
Once the trembling from her arousal had subsided an hour after N'Jobu left, Califia sat back on the couch with wobbly legs and an intense pulsing between her thighs. She felt equal parts acutely agitated and foggy in the brain. What the hell just happened? Raising up the hem of her nightgown to her waist, she pulled on her underwear, only to find that the cotton panties she changed into earlier were wedged between her folds.
Peeling them off and throwing the underwear on the couch, she took a look at herself down there. Her clit was so swollen it looked ready to pop from any friction. Had N'Jobu touched her, she would have keened to the heavens and passed out. She pressed her hand onto her close-cropped mound. The heat there was intense, and the slight pressure she applied caused her insides to clench with need.
Her nipples were still poking through her gown and she couldn't help but fantasize about that man's mouth on her breasts again. She reached over to the cheap IKEA end table next to the couch and picked up her cell. She typed a quick message to N'Jobu:
Let me know you guys made it home safe.
She dropped the cell onto the couch and leaned back, staring at the tv without really seeing it. She had tongued him down. He spanked her ass and it felt delicious. She closed her eyes on the next thought. She had stroked his thick dick, that enticing turgid flesh would probably need two hands to set it off properly.
She jumped off the couch, grabbed her phone and hustled herself into the bedroom where she flung off her nightgown and fell stomach first onto the bed. Lying there naked with just her wool socks on, she needed her body to cool off. From the first kiss on, she knew she had stepped into the danger zone all the way. She had cheated on Xavier. Technically. She tried to rationalize it. She hadn't sucked his dick, and he didn't stick anything inside her. But…kissing and titty sucking was bad.
But it felt so good. God, she wanted more of it. She reached behind herself and rubbed her right butt cheek. It still smarted from where he spanked it more so than the left cheek. Thinking of his hands caressing and squeezing her ass pooled more heat to her center. She rolled over and spread her legs, her free hand giving languid strokes to her clit. It wasn't enough, she needed something inside of her. She wanted to feel full of him.
Leaning over the bed, she reached under it on her side and felt around for her goodie box. She pulled out a purple six-inch dildo. It was nowhere near the length or girth of N'Jobu, but it was all she had at the moment. Work what you got.
Slipping it inside of herself, she angled the dildo so that it rubbed just under her clit with the perfect amount of pressure when pulling it out from the shallow thrusts she gave herself. Closing her eyes, she tried to replay the evening on her couch, especially the expression on his face when he was just watching her straddled on his lap, rocking against him. His lips were ripe with possibility as he poked them out a bit while surveying her body, the nostrils of his keen nose flaring at bit each time she slid down the outline of his cock through his pants, his eyes slicing into her in a way that unnerved and electrified her senses. His hungry gaze was rich with entitlement, as if this was the expected order of nature, him being serviced without question. After the second kiss, all of his touches felt proprietary. It didn't matter that she belonged to another man. Without uttering a word, his tongue and nimble fingers marked her as his.
No matter how many different ways she angled the latex toy, she couldn't get herself off. She was beginning to sweat, drops rolling from her forehead into her eyes. She didn't understand why her orgasm was eluding her. Her private parts were so fat and juicy, like a ripe mango ready to be sucked…so ready to ripple with pleasure, and yet she still couldn't cum. Her brows knitted together in vexation. She could feel drops of perspiration falling down the backs of her thighs.
She fixated on N'Jobu's dick, the treasure that had other women willing to play with him even if they weren't the only one. Had she become one now too? If she left Xavier and decided to hook up with N'Jobu all the way, would she be running into other women on a rotating schedule? Would she become another Andrea, letting him smash yams until the next woman showed up invited or unexpected? Could she be cool and sophisticated like Serah and act like good dick was just good dick, nothing more?
Califia was shocked at herself for how fast she was willing to get N'Jobu into Xavier's bedroom once her fingers had massaged his erection. She had never been with any guy that large and wondered if his other girls had to use a shitload of lubricant to fit him inside. Thinking back on it now, shame fell around her mind. It normally took her at least a month or two to decide to sleep with a man. Even mild petting didn't occur until she knew someone for a good period of time. She didn't judge folks who easily hopped into the sack on first meeting, but her personal history tended to move slower. She and Xavier didn't have sex together until two months of intense kissing, heavy petting sessions, and clinic visits to make sure they were safe. But N'Jobu? Neither hand nor mouth had touched or licked her womanhood and she was ready to risk it all simply because he told her "No", that she couldn't touch him when she asked.
She felt a heavy tingle in her engorged bud, the hood pulled away from her clit. This tension and non-release was too aggravating, she clamped her thighs together, still moving her toy in and out. She considered switching to a vibrator, but they only made her numb when she was overly aroused.
"N'Jobu, make me cum. Make me cum…," she pleaded into the empty room. She started shaking her head from side to side and bucking her hips, her thoughts racing from image to image of him. She had her lips twisted up and the left side of her face pressed into the mattress when her phone rang startling her. She answered it.
"We made it back safe."
Her lips twisted into an "o" shape as the sound of N'Jobu's voice elevated the tension in her loins.
"Califia?"
"Yes, I'm here," she answered breathlessly over the phone.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she answered, pressing her eyelids shut. She had him on speaker phone, the reverb in his voice turning her on so much.
"Tonight wasn't too weird for you, was it?"
"Not at all," she said with a desperate breathiness forcing a biting of her bottom lip. The dildo was deep inside of her. She opened her legs wide again, tapping her clit with three fingers as she listened to his voice.
"Good. I had a great time with your friends."
"Hmmm," she murmured.
"Am I interrupting you with something? You sound distracted."
She tittered under her breath. If only he could see her—knees bent, thighs wide open, a dildo stuck inside her vagina, three-fingered rubbings to her clit all because of him.
"Califia?"
She tried to hold back, but when he said her name his voice was so rich through the speakerphone that it felt like he was there in the room with her. A despairing mewling sound escaped from her throat. She tried to keep it inside by clamping down on her lips, but it slipped away from her mouth and reached his ears.
He was so silent on his end that she thought he had hung up on her.
"Where are you right now?"
"I'm on the bed," she gasped. She heard movement on his end of the phone like he was shifting his position to hear better.
"Are you naked?"
The low rumble of his words coming out of her phone easily had her ignoring the low-level cramp that was developing in her thighs from holding her legs open for so long. She could feel the slick trickle of her excitement leaking down and wetting the sheets.
"Answer me, Califia."
There was a guttural tone in his voice now. An authoritative flavor to his words. She craved more of it. She ignored his request and pulled the dildo out a few inches, then slowly pushed it back in releasing only a heavy sigh.
"Are you playing with yourself?"
"Hmmphh…," was the only reply she gave him. She heard more movement on his end and a squelching sound, like a small bottle being squeezed.
"You were thinking about tonight and thinking about me."
She gave him a humming sound but still didn't answer.
"Open your legs wider."
Her eyes became owl-like as she stared at his number on her phone as if she were looking directly at his face. She did what she was told.
"I bet your pussy is dripping."
"Ooohhh…," she responded, her hips jerking a bit.
"You wish I was between your legs, don't you? Are you using your fingers or something else?"
"A toy," she whispered towards the phone.
She wasn't alone in her self-pleasuring, she could hear the soft fap-fap sound of N'Jobu handling his sex through the phone.
"Pull it out," he said.
She did.
"Now push it back in very slow."
Inch by sweet painful inch, she let the dildo sink back in. Tight. Snug.
"Slower. Do it again," he demanded, a coarseness tinging his words.
She felt like she was melting into the sheets with all the sweat pouring out of her. She shifted her weight, scooting her ass back a bit to restore circulation to her lower body parts.
She fiddled with the dildo and pushed in with such agonizing slowness that she felt like she was going to collapse from exhaustion from all the anticipation of release. Her whimpers grew as she threw her head back.
"I want to cum," she whined, twisting her hips.
All she heard was the sound of his stroking, labored breathing, and grunts on his end. She wished she could watch him handling his cock. Did he prefer stroking hard and fast, or slow and steady? Did he like to twirl his fingers over the fat head, or was he a steady fister like Xavier, just rubbing with impunity with no thoughts at all until something happened?
"Make me cum, baby," she hissed, her voice straining. There was a gasp on his end of the phone, and she could make out the sounds of heightened groans building in intensity.
"Stroke your dick for me, Jobu," she encouraged.
"Shit," he grunted.
"I wish your dick was all up in my pussy, Jobu," she purred into the phone.
The loud groan on his end buoyed her energy to keep going. She was slamming the dildo into herself, thrusting her hips, squeezing her ass cheeks for more tension. She was close. He was going to take her there.
"Jobu," she whimpered, disliking the nasal begging tone in her voice. She wanted to sound confident, ultra-sexy for him, but instead, she was sounding like a whiny ingrate child. He probably wasn't even feeling her anymore.
"That's my pussy you're playing with. Make my pussy cum, Califia," he blurted out.
His voice sounded raw, on the verge of collapsing.
"Your dick is so hard over here, girl,…so hard," he said, each word dragged out like he was having difficulty speaking.
"Yes," was all she could get out.
"You better not let anyone play with my pussy. You cum only for me."
"Yes!" she shrieked, gnashing her teeth, the dildo making debauched noises inside her pussy.
"Tell me. Tell me that pussy only cums for me."
A powerful spasm started in the muscles of her back, and then her legs shot straight out as her orgasm crashed down and ripped through her inside and out. The muscles of her walls gripped the dildo tight, and she felt the rippling of hyper-tense throbbing reaching so deep inside of her, she thought her pussy would snap the dildo in two. If she yelled out anything or even called his name, she couldn't remember. Her body flopped on the bed like a limp dishrag, all loose and free. She trembled a bit from the aftershocks, and when she finally pulled out the dildo soaked in her cum, her breathing had returned to normal.
"Oh, shit. That felt so fucking good."
"I'm glad," he said.
"Did you-?"
"I did," he laughed, "you should see the mess you made over here."
"Me?"
"I call to let you know I have survived my journey back to my apartment, and you make me cum all over myself."
"Maybe you should spank me. I take punishment really well."
She could hear a pin drop. She heard more movement on his end again. Maybe he was wiping himself up. She wanted to say something nasty like she wished she could lick him clean, but his silence was unnerving.
She sat up on her bed and took him off speakerphone.
"N'Jobu?"
"I'm still here."
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No. I was just thinking."
"About?"
"I do not want to play like this, Califia. If it were anyone else I would not care. I could walk away and not give it a second thought. But the way you called out my name…I came so hard, girl. I am dead serious when I say that I don't want anyone else touching you. I have no right to say that, but that's how I feel. Let's not interact like this again, okay?"
Califia blinked rapidly. She felt like he was reprimanding her. Where did this 180-degree turn come from?
"What does that mean exactly? No interaction at all? Or no phone sex?"
"I think maybe we should not be alone together or speak on the phone together until you break up with Xavier."
The afterglow of her orgasm fading brought clarity to her mind. He didn't trust himself around her. Could she blame him really? She couldn't trust herself not to lust openly for him in public. He had called to check in and she had pulled him into her sexual release. How did it get to this so fast?
"You do understand why I am saying this, right?"
"Yeah, I guess I do. Night, N'Jobu," she said.
"Goodnight, Califia."
Califia took her toy into the bathroom and cleaned it off, quickly returning it to its box under the bed. She crawled back on top of the bed and stared at the ceiling. She felt dirty. Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
Her body felt amazing, but her mind was circulating too many thoughts to allow her to fully relax. Lying in bed the rest of the night, she never went to sleep, just witnessed the gradual lightening of the sky outside as morning greeted her.
Before her alarm went off, she was up and packing as much of her personal items she could carry in her backpack and strap onto her bike. The last thing she did was leave a voicemail for Xavier.
###
Califia sat waiting on the top step of her Grandmother's house for Soliel and Rolita to show up. She saw them trudging up the hill towards the old blue house she shared with her Nana, and now an older male cousin who was struggling financially. Every inch of space in front of every home on their block was filled with cars, working families doubling and tripling their tenant living arrangements to help cover the quadrupled rents, thus the overabundance of cars and lack of parking. Rolita had to park her car a few blocks down the hill. She and Soliel were both huffing and puffing by the time they faced the steps that led up to Califia and the front door.
"Ooh, girl, this damn hill," Rolita huffed, plopping herself to Califia's left while Soliel flanked her one step down to her right. Luckily for them both, Califia was a considerate friend and handed them each a bottle of pre-mixed strawberry margaritas. She had taken them out of the fridge when they texted her that they were walking up the hill.
They all clinked their bottles and drank, the afternoon air cool on their bodies. Califia had already gone through the events of the previous night for them via phone. Now she needed their physical support as she contemplated the best way to break up with Xavier.
Soliel and Rolita both confided that they liked N'Jobu from his first impressions at the museum and bistro. But Rolita felt Califia was wrong for having physical contact with N'Jobu before actually breaking up. Soliel disagreed.
"All I can say is that you and Xavier have been having problems for a long time and they don't seem to be getting better," Soliel said as she fiddled with a silver chain around her neck, "break up but don't jump into anything serious. Maybe the two of you need a separation. You can always get back together again later."
"So N'Jobu would just be my rebound?"
"That would be a mistake," Rolita said.
"Why?" asked Califia.
"You need to be alone to truly sort out your feelings. If you jump into anything with N'Jobu, even if it's strictly friends with benefits, you're just using him to not face your issues with Xavier."
"There's no harm in fooling around with a man like that," said Soliel.
"It's too soon," said Rolita.
"For you," Soliel snapped, "Did we not hear Califia tell us this man made her back flex with the phone sex? You can mourn, have introspection, and still have fun with a new guy. I'm tired of these melodramatic breakups where we have to stay celibate while we look over what went wrong. Get out there and have fun. She can multi-task."
"So when you and Aunjanue broke up last year, did you immediately go out and do the horizontal tango with someone else?" Rolita asked.
"I sure did!" Soliel snapped.
Califia laughed and drank more of her margarita.
"Did Aunjanue know about this?" Rolita asked.
"Nope. It was none of her business. I was sad we broke up, but I looked at what I needed to do to fix it, but I also took the time to explore with other people. For the three months we called it quits, I had sex with several people. I felt great about it. It taught me that Aunjanue wasn't the only fish in the sea and that there were plenty of people out there who could be 'soul mates' if I wanted."
"What made you go back to her then?" Rolita asked.
"Like I told Califia, sometimes you have to step away to remember what made you attracted to them in the first place. Probably a little distance makes the heart grow fonder too. But ultimately, I missed her and what we were together as a couple. We learned to communicate our needs better and just wanted to try again. It worked. But even if it didn't, I was glad I mingled with other partners."
"Would you ever tell Aunjanue that you slept with other people during your hiatus?" Califia asked.
"Why are you air quoting hiatus?" Soliel asked.
Califia just laughed.
"For the record, no. I would not tell her. It's none of her business and we were not a couple. I never asked about her sex life during that time, and I don't care."
"Do you want a hiatus, Califia?" Rolita asked.
"I don't think so."
"Do you love him?" asked Soliel.
"At one time I thought I did."
"Does he love you?" Rolita asked.
Califia shrugged.
"Amor com amor se paga. Love should be paid with love, Califia," Soliel said, finishing off her bottle. "It's obvious to me that you are not in love with Xavier anymore. And it's also obvious to me that you are into N'Jobu. Tell me I'm wrong."
Califia didn't deny it.
"He is really into you, sis," Soliel said, pushing Califia's leg with her hand. "When Xavier walked into Magnolia's, N'Jobu's whole demeanor changed. He did not like Xavier on you at all."
Califia rolled her eyes.
"Am I lying, Rolita?"
"No. There was definitely some extra testosterone floating in the air with those two."
"You need to call Xavier and tell him it's a done deal," Soliel said.
"I should tell him in person, right?"
"Why?" Soliel asked.
"Soliel, she can't just diss him over the phone."
"Then ghost his ass. I'm tired of him anyway, and he's not even my man," Soleil said leaning her elbows on the step.
"Let's say you break up with him. What will you do next?" Rolita asked.
"Get that Wakandan pipe!" Soliel cackled, hitting Califia on her arm.
"I don't know. I like N'Jobu, and we do have insane chemistry. I have so much going on with school and teaching. It's part of why Xavier and I have problems. He complains that I do too much and don't make time for us. I like what I do, it helps our community and makes me feel good doing it. His internship takes up more time than my job or volunteer work. That's why I do a lot of stuff, to keep myself busy because he's not around. The difference is, I respect why he has to put in those hours to get to where he needs to be. He doesn't respect my hours. It's like he expects me to be sitting around waiting for him. He don't pay any bills for me, but gives me lip when I try to catch extra hours at work to cover my needs in this fucking expensive city."
She felt a strain in her neck as her jaws got tight just talking about the things Xavier did to annoy her.
Soliel handed Califia her cell phone.
"Call that man and tell him bye. Right now. Make that dick appointment with N'Jobu and snap that coochie back," Soliel said making Rolita laugh out loud.
Califia didn't take the cell phone. She crossed her arms and tapped her left toe nervously.
"Do you want to meet him in a public space and do it?" Rolita asked.
"Rolita and I can be there if you want. If you think it will be ugly."
"No. I think it's been a long time coming. Yesterday I was feeling terrible about hurting Xavier. But today I actually feel okay. I moved a lot of stuff out of his apartment this morning. There's stuff there that I don't need to have back if it gets funky."
"Call him," Soliel said.
###
The three of them sat in her Grandmother's livingroom as Califia dialed Xavier's number on her own cell. Rolita held her left hand as the phone rang and rang, going straight to voicemail.
"Xavier. I need to talk to you. In person. Can we meet at the yogurt spot tomorrow around four? I'm staying at my Nana's tonight. Call me when you get this message."
When she ended her call, she stared at her two close girlfriends.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Soliel said.
"No. The sooner I do it, the better."
"Does Bakari know about you and N'Jobu?" Rolita asked.
"No."
"You might want to have a convo with him soon too. N'Jobu is his friend, and you two are besties. Awkward," Rolita said.
"True. What if you and N'Jobu are having sex at their place and Bakari hears you guys?" Soliel said, making a face.
"Let me just concentrate on this break-up first, okay you two?"
Califia's cell vibrated. It was Xavier.
"Answer it," Soliel said.
"Get it over with now if you can. See if he can meet you somewhere," Rolita said.
Califia felt her stomach churn and she closed her eyes tight.
"Don't put this off Califia," Soliel said.
"Hello?"
"W'sup? You sounded urgent."
"It kinda is—"
"You took your stuff. You telling me something?"
Soliel and Rolita moved back outside, giving her space.
"Can we meet up right now?"
"Naw, say whatchu gotta say."
His abruptness was throwing her off. She stood up and paced the livingroom.
"I don't want to go to New Orleans with you."
She closed her eyes scrambling for leverage. She was unbalanced by his reduced affect. He didn't sound right.
"Fine. That's going to cost me money though."
"I'm sorry, but I did tell you that I wasn't certain about going. You didn't listen to me."
"Let's just dead all that now. Why did you move your stuff out? You tryna break up or something?"
"Yes," Califia's voice became just as flat as his. She truly was done.
"Bet—"
"Stop. I didn't want to do this over the phone."
"Then you should've stayed here to tell me to my face."
"I wanted to tell you last night, but you didn't want to come back with me. Your drunk ass just had to go hang out with Julian all night."
"Are we done?"
"I guess we are."
"Good, then you can go fuck that nigga you were drooling over."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb. You kept making eyes at that African dude all night. Every time I turned around you were all up in his face. Even Julian was telling me how you were acting when I wasn't near you at the reggae spot. You should've asked that nigga to go home with you."
Califia couldn't prevent the malicious smirk that etched across her lips. The irony. She didn't want to indulge his fantasy any further, despite the fact that it happened. Relief surrounded her since there was no mention of being busted for kissing. Thank goodness for tiny miracles.
"I can't even deal with what you are talking about right now. You and I both know our shit has been foul a long time. I'm tired—"
"I'm tired too, Califia. There ain't much more for us to say at this point."
"I'll mail you your key."
"Fine. Have a nice life."
Califia held her cell phone to her chest. It was done. They were finally over. Soliel and Rolita entered the house again, their worried eyes searching her face for a reaction.
"It's officially over."
"How are you feeling?" Rolita said.
"Okay. I feel okay."
Soliel's fingers interlaced with Califia's.
"Sit down, sis," Soleil said, leading her to the couch.
Tears began to flow freely from Califia's eyes. A slow trickle of stress release fell away with her tears. But there was a sadness there too. A sense of failure for not wanting to try harder with him. A sense of trepidation towards being unattached. However, she could honestly say a weight had been lifted.
"I'm crying, but it's a good cry."
"Of course it is, love," Soliel said, rubbing her back.
"I'll order a pizza and some Pepsi, and we can pig out and cry together," Rolita said opening an app on her phone.
"Good idea. We will purge this day away and talk about your future. And N'Jobu," Soliel said.
N'Jobu was the last thing on Califia's mind. She was thinking of all their mutuals questioning the breakup, all the speculating and gossip that would flow.
"Can you both just keep this to yourself right now?" she asked her two closest female friends.
"Of course," Rolita said.
"You didn't even have to ask," Soliel said.
"I'll make us some tea and we can wait for our pizza," Rolita said.
"Thank you. Both of you."
The front door opened and Califia's Grandmother walked in with a grocery bag, followed by her cousin Kenny who was hauling the rest of their bags. Nana Jean saw the girls perched on her couch with her granddaughters' face looking distraught.
"What happened, baby?" Nana Jean asked.
"I broke up with Xavier."
Nana Jean didn't look surprised, but she wasn't one for coddling her granddaughters when it came to men.
"You need anything?" Nana Jean asked.
"I'm good Nana. We're going to eat pizza and watch tv."
"Okay then. Good to see you girls. It's been awhile."
"Yes, Ma'am," Rolita said. Soliel jumped up and took the grocery bag from Nana Jean.
"Thank you, Soliel," said Nana Jean, leading her into the kitchen in the back.
Kenny just dragged his eyes over Califia's somber expression.
"You sure you good, Cuz?"
"Yeah, Kenny."
"I can yoke a Nigga up—"
"Trust me. I broke up with him."
"A'ight then." Kenny shuffled off into the kitchen.
Califia's phone vibrated. Bakari. She answered to distract herself.
"Girl, what's going on? I was online and saw Xavier changed his status to single. What happened?"
Califia felt her heart bruise. More tears were flowing. She went outside to sit on the steps alone.
"I just broke up with him," she said.
"Are you alright? Do you need me to come get you?"
"I'm at Nana's. Soliel and Rolita are here with me."
Califia wiped her eyes, grateful for the support of her friends. Bakari was ready to roll for her and it brought a needed smile to her face.
"Man, I knew y'all were struggling, but I didn't want to be all up in your business."
"It needed to be done. It's over."
"You sound a little shaky in the voice, Ma. You need me to come over too? I'm an expert on break-ups."
"You and Shavonne are through already?" she wise-cracked.
"Hell naw. She might be the one."
"For real?"
"For real."
"Okay now, good for you. She's hella cool. I like her."
"You wanna go out and get some drinks? Chop it up?"
"Nah. Rolita ordered some pizzas. We're going to stay in. I don't have the energy to be out in public right now."
"Me calling probably didn't help, huh?"
"I just didn't want people to know right away, especially online."
"Well X didn't waste any time posting, that's for sure."
"He was ready to bounce just like me."
"You really think so?"
"I know so."
"Well holla at me if you need something?"
"I will."
Twenty minutes after the pizza arrived, Bakari was at Nana Jean's front door with a bottle of Hennessy. When Califia saw him on her grandmother's steps, she burst into tears again and hugged him tight. He was always there for her.
Nana Jean found them all spread out in her livingroom the next morning snoring, with two pizza boxes and an empty liquor bottle on her coffee table.
