"Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in."
― Shannon L. Alder
Chapter Nine
Lucy gasped awake to a bright room echoing silence.
The usual headache she experienced upon awakening was nowhere to be found. Her mind was swimming though, searching to find some sort of recollection as to why she was in the infirmary. The last thing she remembered was yelling at Natsu.. and.. and..
"Oh, looks like you're awake," came a familiar, soft voice. "How do you feel?"
Nurse Mira walked up to Lucy's bed.
"What happened?" Lucy asked, disregarding the previous question.
"You lost consciousness in Natsu's room and hit your head. Does your head hurt at all?"
"Yeah, kinda."
"Okay. You'll have to stay here for a while to make sure you don't have a concussion. Here are some painkillers. They'll help."
Lucy took the pills and looked out the window. It was nighttime.
"How's Natsu?" she wondered quietly.
"He's okay. He's sleeping in the bed next to yours, by the way," Mira answered.
Lucy widened her eyes and whipped her head over. Her action caused a sharp pain to jab her skull and she hissed. She sat up despite the pain and Mira pulled back the curtain beside her to reveal Natsu, eyes closed and lips parted.
"How long has he been here?" Lucy wondered, staring at the boy's tranquil features.
"Since he brought you down here, so.. just a few hours." Mirajane paused before continuing. "He said he wouldn't fall asleep before you woke up but it seems that wasn't the case."
Nurse Mira's heels clacked loudly as she walked to the door. Before she walked into the hallway, she turned and said, "He must have not been getting enough sleep. A lot of things eat away at that boy, so.." She inhaled a deep breath before her lips quirked into warm smile. "Take care of him, will you please?"
Lucy nodded her head. She understood Mira didn't mean it medical wise.
Three weeks passed and Lucy was able to deceive Lisanna's eyes. It was all thanks to Rogue. She needed to express her gratitude soon.
Natsu also returned to normal, sort of, so he gave Lucy his continued support. He hasn't mentioned the incident since.
She was content. Not exactly happy, but content with her situation. If she feigned health and stability for long enough, Lucy was sure she'd be able to get the hell out of the hospital. She'd picked up on a few things during her stay, so Lucy was confident she could pull it off.
Now, if only she could concentrate long enough to devise a solid solution. Alas, she couldn't.
Lucy had gotten relatively closer to the others, albeit she still keep her distance.
Gajeel walked into the art room, close behind Levy. Erza watched them walk in and she smiled to herself. They were two incredible opposites, yet they attracted each other like magnets. Levy tripped and Erza twitched, about to call out, but Gajeel grabbed her arm to prevent her fall. Levy turned around and said something, probably a thanks, and walked to their table.
"Did you guys see Natsu and Lucy while you were walking down here?" Erza asked, watching the clock above the door. The bell was going to ring soon, and Reedus didn't tolerate tardiness.
"Uh, nope," Levy answered, taking her seat next to Erza. Gajeel sat beside Levy, propping his chin up in his palm.
A few seconds before the bell rang, Natsu came in grinning, dragging Lucy along by her wrist. Though Erza became puzzled. Despite Natsu looking like.. like he was having loads of fun, Lucy looked blank. Pale, dead. She walked fine, sat on a stool fine, and placed her hands in her lap fine. She wasn't out of breath like Natsu was, nor was she smiling and giggling like Natsu was.
Erza leaned over to the Natsu and whispered, "What took you guys so long? I'm sure Reedus would've ripped you a new asshole if you guys walked in a second later."
His chuckles died down as if Erza had been the one to deflate him. She probably was.
"Ahh, don't worry about it. We weren't doin' nothin' bad anyway."
Erza raised her eyebrow in irritation and leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. Reedus began to explain some project and Erza looked over to Lucy.
She couldn't find any other word to describe the blonde's state than scary.
Just what.. happened to her? Just a few weeks ago, she was actually kind of.. normal, social even. But now, it was like she reverted to her old self, the person she was when she first was admitted. But this time, she was worse. Lucy was more quiet, more spacey. More paranoid?
"Natsu, can we meet up later?" Erza asked, and the boy raised a brow in turn.
"Uh, sure? What time? Just us?"
"After dinner? And yeah."
What an odd request, he thought, for they haven't hung out alone yet.
He sighed a quick dismissive, "Sounds good," before listening to the teacher's instructions.
It was another painting project, great. Was that all they were going to do?
A group sigh blew through the room once they were allowed to get up and get their supplies.
After sitting down and placing her sketchbook in front of her, Erza pursed her lips. Damn, what was she supposed to draw? Something that you wish you had, Reedus said. What a depressing thought.
How does one draw the embodiment of happiness? Mental stability?
Erza knew what she wanted, but it was almost impossible to sketch, to reach. She wanted her life back, her boyfriend, her friends. Jellal, Simon, Rob, Wally, Shô, Millianna―themall.
Erza was wretched and self-abasing, undeserving of love. It was natural to allow her dark, strangling thoughts to sway her decisions and attitude. She didn't deserve to go back to her calm life before all... this. Not after she hurt him, neglected his feelings, and refused to accept herself... her past, their past.
The girl clenched her fist against her thigh, digging her nails into her palm. The urge to cut that she attempted to ignore (and failed) caused her heart rate to skyrocket.
Fuck, she inwardly cursed. She felt so pathetic being dragged around by her disorder as if it had her on a leash.
She raised her hand, a feeling of regret blossoming within the back of her throat. It was a feeling she couldn't swallow, no matter how many times she tried.
"Yes Erza?"
"May I be excused from class?"
"Ah, I suppose... Have a good rest of the day."
Erza nodded, quickly put away her supplies, and said farewell to her friends.
Before she left, Natsu called after her. "Are we still on for later?"
"Definitely," she replied, and left.
Erza sprinted to her room, a deep frown of disgust harboring her lips the entire way there. She was disgusting. Her body was disgusting.
Disgusting disgusting disgusting. Revolting. Her personality, her childhood, her skin. Sickening. Everything. There was nothing else in this world that Erza hated more than herself.
The patient slammed her door shut, scowling at the fact that there wasn't a lock. Her heart seemingly thumped under every inch of her skin, disorienting her rationality. It was like she wore a veil of her darkest memories and actions so she could always see them. All the harsh words she accumulated within her brain played on a record that would not stop. She scrambled in her drawers, digging through clothing.
She grimaced when her finger was cut, but even so, she sighed in relief. The nurses hadn't gone through her clothes yet; it was still here. Her best friend, her comforter, her greatest enemy. Her razor blade.
Breathing heavily from her nose, Erza rolled up her sleeve. She scanned her skin for a spot that wasn't scarred but one was hard to find. It was like searching for a needle in a distorted hay stack.
Despite the area being littered in fat scars, she found a small area and placed the sharp edge to her flesh. Pressing down and tilting her chin up, she closed her eyes and slid her tool down in one fluid motion, hissing. Erza looked to the skin that had been split open with a heavy heart, red slowly filling in against the white.
It was perfect. She had calmed down a bit, but it wasn't enough; she wanted more, needed more. More scars, more scabs, more cuts, more pain. Erza believed with every fiber of her being that she deserved it.
Frustrated tears glazed over her eyes, blurring her sight until all she saw was an unfocused cloud of crimson. She rubbed them free of the liquid with the back of her hand as she exhaled quick, shallow breaths. Two hands wrapped their sticky fingers around her throat and squeezed until she was gasping for air.
Erza continued to slice her skin, over and over, over old scars and fresh scabs, until she lost control. She continued until her tears dried up and her thoughts stood still, until blood dripped steadily onto her pants, staining them.
She was just sitting there, on her bed, staring at the ground while her lips remained parted. Not a worry ran through her mind as the throbbing turned into a numb feeling. It gradually spread to her her entire body.
She was better now.
Erza didn't know how long she zoned out, but by the time she came to, the blood on her arm had dried and her jeans stuck to her thigh. She sighed, slowly lifting her arm up to examine her mutilation. Her shoulders were stiff and the center of her back ached. Her fingers trembled ferociously, and she looked to the clock.
It was almost time for gym, so she had two choices. One being to go to the nurse and have her properly clean and look after her wounds and go into suicide watch. Her other option was to clean them up by herself and hide them from the others. Erza decided on the latter. She couldn't handle any more scrutinizing or extra therapy hours.
It was... easier this way.
Erza decided to sit out in gym. She said she wasn't feel well.
The rest played soccer in the crisp wind of October, days short of November. She lazed in the pleasant fact that she wouldn't be sweating when she decided to wear long sleeves and pants.
Her cuts throbbed pleadingly, as if they were crying to be treated with a substance other than water. She held her breath whenever a surge of pain ran through her body.
She felt blissfully empty, and that was a rare feeling.
Dinner came and Erza ate in a paranoid silence. While part of her knew her peers wouldn't know of her twisted actions, part of her thought they could tell. Was she acting weird? Being too withdrawn?
The bell rang. She wasn't going to continue to dwell on it.
"I'm going to walk Lucy up to her room first. I'll meet you in your room in a little bit," Natsu advised as he stood. Erza said it was fine.
After the boy stayed and chatted with Lucy for a few minutes, he said he'd be back and walked downstairs. Natsu knocked on Erza's door twice.
His hesitance prevented him from walking in immediately. She didn't seem to be acting normal, and he wanted to ask her about it, but she rarely talked about such things. Maybe that's what she needed him for? Was she going to confide in him? He guessed he'd find out soon enough. He opened her door and walked inside.
His innate smile turned horrified once his eyes ran over her bed sheets and discarded jeans on the floor. They were stained red, too much red. Cold, panicked unease invaded his veins.
Oh god, what? What? Was that blood?
"Sh-shit, sorry," Erza apologized, returning to reality. She needed to stop zoning out. She kicked her jeans beneath her bed with the heel of her foot and bunched her sheets together to hide her self-destruction. She kept her focus trained to the ground in shame.
"What? What.. What was that?" Natsu wondered, his tone soft to make sure she remained calm. He was having a difficult time himself. He sat on the bed next to her and reached for her arm with an anxious hand. Erza frowned and hit his arm away, hissing in pain when she could feel her wounds stretch.
"It's nothing. I don't want to talk about it. I wanted to talk to you about Lucy."
Natsu backed off slightly, his brows pinched together. "Er.. Erza.. we need to get you to the nurse. It's blood right? That's your blood? What happened?" The female groaned.
"I relapsed, okay? Okay?! But that.. That isn't important right now." She had a headache. Erza just wanted to sleep. "I need to talk to you about her-"
"No," he growled, frustration ripping through his skin like a rabid animal. "Stop trying to avoid it! You always do this!"
"Look, Natsu," she began, lifting her eyes to meet his. "I'll fucking go down to the infirmary afterwards. I promise I will, but please let me talk first. I'm fine right now, so just listen to me."
"You don't look 'fine'," he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. He nodded nonetheless and then remained silent.
Erza took some time to gather her thoughts while she faced forward.
"Have you.. Have you noticed anything different about Lucy lately? I consider her a friend, I guess, so... I'm worried. It's like she completely changed again."
The boy chuckled, a look of silly disbelief carving his features. "What are you talkin' about, Erza?" Regardless of his playful attitude, his voice trembled. "There's nothing wrong with her. She's still the same Lucy as before."
"Still the same? Tell me, are you blind?"
"I'm not."
"Just because you seem to be talking with her fine doesn't mean she's fine, Natsu." She continued on, closing her eyes. "Have you seen her? She looks so.. emotionless most of the time. It's worse this time around, right? I mean, she's worse than when she first got here, and that's saying something, don't you think? I'm worried that.. something is going on behind the scenes, something that's getting past the staff. She should be making greater progress than this.." She paused, then grumbled, "The medication here is pretty strong, after all."
"Please, don't... say any more." Erza made a soft sound of surprise at his low, pleading voice as she turned to him. He was digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, bent forward, elbows on his knees.
"Ahhh man... Don't you think I know that?" he asked, sniffling after.
"Well.."
"I've noticed everything Erza, I honestly have.." Natsu sighed and ran a hand through his hair, noticeably shaky.
"It's-it's like I'm talking to her, just having a one-sided conversation!" He clenched his teeth and he downcast his eyes, trying to prevent himself from crying. "Don't you think I know I'm just talking to someone who just isn't there most of the time... like she's just a vessel with nothing inside." Natsu wiped at his eyes again and blinked rapidly, trying to clear his blurry vision.
"Erza, I.. I can't just leave her alone. You know I can't. She's my- she's my best friend, even if she doesn't know it. She trusts me. I want her to get better; there's nothing more that I want than that, honest. I just want her to recover and get out of here.. I care about her recovery more than my own, and I- and Erza, I'll do anything to help Lucy."
Erza's brows held a constant furrow as she listened to Natsu explain himself. She never knew he harbored these types of feelings for a girl who's only been around for two months.
Erza sighed, averting her gaze to her bare toes. She watched as the red strands of her hair fell piece by piece in front of her eye. It reminded her of blood. Her attention landed back on her arm.
"I want to help her too," she said.
"But after you get yourself checked out, Erza."
Meanwhile
"It seems that 'future' me is always the one who comes out to play when you're around, Lucy," Rogue said. An unscrupulous grin dragged the corners of his lips upwards. Lucy hummed in response, stepping into his room to lay on his bed. The female acted as if they've been best friends for years, the way she acted so comfortably around him. Her blonde hair fanned out beneath her, silky waves of golden covering Rogue's pillow. She folded her hands over her stomach and sighed.
"How are you?" he asked, sitting at the edge of the bed. It was dark in his room, as usual.
"Mm'fine," she answered simply.
"Have they figured out your plan yet, hm? The pills, I mean." Lucy shook her head, features relaxed. Rogue sighed, trailing his index finger over a scar that crossed his nose.
"You know, Lucy. We might get in trouble one of these days, since you come here so often. Who knows?" He shrugged his shoulders, bent his elbows, and held up his open palms. "The nurses might show up here one day and whisk you or me away." The patient paused. "Who knows."
After another two minutes of deafening silence, Rogue groaned and rolled his eyes. Sometimes, this damn blonde could be so fucking boring he wondered why he even let her in. But, he settled with what he got. He rarely got company, anyway.
Rogue's depraved mindset took over and he smirked.
"Say, Lucy?" he drawled, moving to hover over her body; she wasn't fazed in the slightest, and he didn't expect her to be. "Has anyone ever told you you were beautiful?.. Your friends, perhaps? Natsu?" Lucy's ears perked up and she blinked, only to feel the wetness of a hot tongue slide over the pulse of her neck. She didn't answer.
"Loook at us, us, us, Princess!"
"Keep your attention on us.. ebi."
"Come on you damn brat. I ain't gonna be here all day, Lucy. So you better pay attention to me."
"Princess, I'd be so honored if you'd look at me and me only."
Rogue sucked and licked at Lucy's pulse, feeling its slow thump against his muscle. She was the perfect candidate to take advantage of, and he fought against himself to not heave a chuckle. It's been a long time since he's had any fun; he wondered how far she'd let him go.
"Say, Lucy... Do you want to know a way to make your friends be real happy again?"
Lucy responded with a quick nod, and Rogue pulled back, looking into her dark eyes.
"Will you do anything?"
She nodded once more.
"Ask Erza Scarlet if she can teach you, she'll know. Ask her about an addiction."
A/N: I've been p down lately so this kinda just came out.
Also, it's possible that this last part was a bit hard to understand. Lucy's 'friends' were trying to distract her while Rogue did the thing.
