Feels like most of this is setting up more jokes for later.
Chapter 8: Special Report: Battle in the Peony Forest!"
"How did we just waste fifteen minutes on a school newspaper article? That did just happen right?"
"Don't sound so surprised," Kurama replied, "For all we know, that could be the only paper in the village. Their infrastructure does seem . . . lacking, from what I gather."
"That makes way too much sense."
Once all the students had returned to the entrance to training ground 44, Sakura voiced what everyone was thinking. "This whole place just completely creeps me out," she whined.
Anko smiled mischievously, chuckling lightly. "It should," she replied, "They call it the Forest of Death. And soon enough, you're gonna find out why."
Naruto was not amused by her attempts at intimidation. Scrunching up his face, he parroted her words back to her in a mocking, whiny voice, before adding: "Do your worst, you're not gonna scare me away! I can handle anything!"
If it was possible, Anko gave off an even thicker air of mischief, her eyes thinning into crescents.
"So, looks like we got ourselves a tough guy."
With no more preamble, a kunai shot from her hand, whizzing straight by Naruto's face, leaving a small trickle of blood on his cheek and embedding in the ground behind him. While Naruto was stunned, Anko proceeded to body-flicker behind him and whisper, "You tough enough to handle this? You're not afraid, are you?" She cupped his face with one hand and licked the blood off his cheek. "Tough guys like you usually leave their blood all over this forest."
"I have boner." Yoko cut in. Kurama made a low, strangled sound, halfway between a sigh and a growl, while putting his face in one hand. "This chick is amazing." Kurama shot him a look that clearly said enough. Coincidentally, it would have also likely killed lesser men.
Suddenly, there was motion again as Anko pulled another kunai from her sleeve and whipped it behind her. A ninja from the Grass village was behind her, holding Anko's first kunai in an abnormally long tongue.
"Whoah, whoah whoah. I am getting some BAD vibes off this one." Yoko broke in, reeling back.
"How?" Kurama asked, cocking his head, "In the 'Evil Spy' kind of way?"
"No, in the 'likes to touch little boys' kid of way."
"Oh." Kurama replied, and paused for a moment. "Oh dear. We'll have to keep a special eye on her then."
Walking back to her previous position at the entrance, Anko explained the next step: all participating ninja must sign a consent form absolving the instructors of liability in the event of death.
"The legal implications of this form are stunning."
"Do the courts even have jurisdiction over the hidden villages?"
"Huh. That's a good question."
As the students passed out forms of mere formality, Anko explained the rest of the test. Each squad would be given either a heaven scroll or an earth scroll. Each team needed to take a scroll from another team so as to make it to the tower in the center of the training ground with both types of scrolls, all within five days. The teams spread out to fill out their forms, and the instructors prepped a screen to hand out the scrolls.
"I can't help but notice that all we've done so far with this exam is paperwork."
"Perhaps that's what they're secretly training us for."
"Man, being a ninja kinda blows."
"Well, remember the elderly gentleman in the tower? Perhaps paperwork filing is the most highly-prized skill in the shinobi world."
Yoko stood staring at him for several seconds, blinking.
"God dammit!" he cried at length, shoving his face into his hand.
The two foxes maintained silence for a while until Naruto's voice caught their attention.
"Hey, what are you doing all the way out here?" He shouted as he approached Hinata, who was reclining against a tree. The two things he was certain that she said were his name and "nothing," but in between was an incomprehensible mumble of stutterings. Naruto narrowed his eyes in confusion and annoyance while she studied her shoes. Before he could make another attempt at conversation, she looked up and noticed the wound he had from Anko's exhibition.
"Oh, you're cut, here I have—" she began quietly, and started rummaging in her pockets. Evidently, Naruto heard nothing and decided that things were going nowhere fast; he walked past her as she held out a small container of balm with a "this." He gave her a "see ya later" as he walked off, never looking back to see the balm. Yoko threw his head back and grimaced.
"Oh my God, this kid needs help."
"Now you see why I was so concerned with this area in particular," Kurama told him, arms crossed. "So, does this mean you're willing to help me now?"
"Okay, yeah, I'm in," Yoko conceded, "I cannot watch another train wreck like that."
Kurama smiled. "Who knows? Maybe there was a reason we were sealed in this particular boy."
"Ah, God. That'd be just like that ass, wouldn't it?"
Fifteen minutes later, Squad Seven leisurely strolled through Gate 17. It wasn't five minutes after that that several screams rang throughout the forest.
"That...sounded like someone screaming," Sakura ventured tentatively, turning around.
"No, it must have been the wind."
Yoko put his head in his hands. "We're gonna f_ing die in here."
"I do not like this place," Sakura said again after they all had paused.
"Aw c'mon," Naruto tried to cheer her up, "There's nothing to be scared of; it's gonna be a piece of cake!"
"Yes, except for the guy skulking in the bushes that none of you seem to have noticed," Yoko scoffed, before stretching out his hand and snapping his fingers.
"OH GOD WHY?"
All three genin ducked down at the new scream that rang out.
"That was close by," Sakura breathed out.
"But there's no sounds of battle," Sasuke observed quietly.
"I see you're getting used to our new powers quite quickly," Kurama observed.
"Oh relax," Yoko responded with a hand wave, "All I did was snap his wrist. The little wuss just passed out from the pain."
Kurama hummed in affirmation, as the three youths finally rose from their waiting.
"All right, we should move out," Sasuke said at length, "I'll take the scroll."
"Wait a minute Sasuke, I—" Naruto began before something small and sharp blew by, cutting his cheek. "What was that?"
Out of nowhere, a huge gust of wind blew through, scattering all three genin. Once the gust died down, Naruto found himself dazed and upside down at the base of a tree. "Okay, upsie-daisy," he groaned out as he righted himself, unfortunately finding himself face-to-face with an enormous snake. Shaking on his hands and knees, Naruto stared at the approaching snake, mouth agape.
"Don't panic, Naruto, you need to get to the base of the neck," Kurama advised, "that's the weak—" Any further advice was cut off as the snake lunged straight for the boy, crashing into the ground and sending Naruto flying. The boy managed to land on his feet, but he turned only to find the snake's tail rocketing towards him. Without time to react, Naruto quickly found himself wrapped in the coils of his foe. He was not to remain there for long, however, as the snake swallowed him whole with little prelude.
"Well, that fell apart spectacularly quickly," Kurama mused dryly.
"It's like trying to fly a plane by playing telephone."
"Yes, quite."
Meanwhile, Sasuke and Sakura weren't faring much better. While they were able to see through a henge from the long-tongued grass ninja, she currently had them immobilized and vomiting using nothing but pure killing intent. Using the time-honored traditions of his people, Sasuke was able to escape through self-abuse. Stabbing himself in the leg with his kunai, the pain jerked him back to reality, where he was able to grab Sakura and dash off to safety.
Meanwhile
"We're gonna die in here. I know it's the second time today, but still."
"Well , you may not be too far off, if he keeps shrugging off our suggestions."
Naruto still lay squirming inside the snake's belly, desperately clawing around with a kunai. Until now, his panicked psyche couldn't comprehend anything the foxes had suggested, everything from "take two kunai and crawl out," to "henge into a punji ball."
"Any luck getting a tree branch down here?" Kurama asked, more for conversation than anything.
"Rgh," Yoko grunted with his hand outstretched, "it's like trying to land a helicopter upside-down, blindfolded."
"Fair enough."
"Wait, I think I've—" Yoko cut himself off as he forcefully brought his hand to his chest in a fist. Outside, one of the largest branches in the area shot straight out and impaled itself in the giant snake's side.
"Yeah! I nailed the—" Yoko was again cut short as the snake turned and peered disdainfully at the branch in his side, before reaching out and chomping down on it, shattering the wood completely.
"F_er!" Yoko spat and growled in anger. "There's really nothing we can say to calm this kid down?" He asked, only slightly hopeful.
"Unfortunately, no," Kurama replied, "Disembodied voices in your head screaming seemingly complicated plans can only do so much for one's sanity."
Yoko snorted with an eye roll. Reclining with his hands behind his head, he looked askance at his fellow. "So who do you think our ferry girl's going to be?"
Kurama smiled. "Given the circumstances, I can only foresee one person."
"Heh," Yoko gave a short laugh, "Fitting I guess, coming to the Peony Forest."
"You do realize I'm about the only one still alive who would get that pun. It's not a very good one."
"Then given the company, I shouldn't let it go to waste, should I?"
Kurama sighed, cradling his face in his hand. "Somehow I thought my death would be more dignified than this."
Sasuke and Sakura were not having much better snake luck, as it were. They were currently couched behind a tree, Sasuke having muffled Sakura's mouth with his hand for quiet. They hunkered down and desperately tried to devise an escape plan. Unfortunately, the only one to notice the gargantuan snake sneak up on them had someone's hand over her mouth. Still, Sakura was able to remove it and call out, letting them dodge in time. Sasuke was able to kill their assailant with a quick barrage of shuriken into its opened mouth. The snake fell lifeless onto one of the larger branches in the area, as blood leaked from the wounds in its neck. The something strange began to happen: the scales and skin just below the wound began to crack and split in a star like pattern, as a bulge steadily grew. Before long, the enemy grass ninja emerged from the snake's carcass, taunting them all the while. Once she had fully emerged, she shot straight at the tree Sasuke was perched on, elongating her body and coiling around the trunk to climb towards him. Sasuke let out a cry of dismay before the entire forest went silent when four shuriken and a kunai stuck into the trunk right in the grass nin's path.
"Looks like I came just in time!" A familiar voice cried.
"Oh you do not get to brag about timing, kid."
"Let him have his moment. His idea with the Shadow clones was quite original."
Naruto stood triumphantly on a high tree branch with his arms crossed. After a moment of everyone basking in an awesome dynamic entrance, Sasuke began shouting warnings at his teammate to run, since he didn't know the odds, while their enemy congratulated him on escaping her snake. After another moment of consideration, Naruto pointed an accusing finger down at the grass nin and challenged her: "Okay, okay, I don't know what's going on here, but you've been picking on my friends, and I don't like that! So you just better slither on back to your hole snake lady, before I make a pair of shoes outta ya!"
"Hmph, not bad, lotta room to work," Yoko appraised, with one hand on his chin, nodding, "Language could use a bit of sprucing, but good potential for puns with 'hole,' treading dangerous territory with the shoes thing, but he made it work. Kid's got a future in banter."
"So glad you approve," Kurama deadpanned, but with an eye roll. Another silent standoff ensued after Naruto's threat, before Sasuke broke the silence.
"You can have it," was all he said, before reaching into his pack. "The scroll right? That's what you want," he continued, "Alright, take it and leave us in peace!" Needless to say, Naruto was not happy with this plan, and he immediately began an animated protest.
"Actually not a bad gambit, given the abilities she's shown," Kurama mused with his arms crossed.
"Given," Yoko agreed, "but I'm still with the cheddar cheeseball over here. It's three on one, gives us a good chance to scatter."
"And meet up where, exactly?" Kurama countered, "We're in unfamiliar territory, with a known psychotic hot on our trails. The only thing that worries me is that she could be the type to kill us anyway."
"Peh. Point. But I'm sure we'll have a chance to stretch our legs a bit befo—oh God we're moving." When Sasuke had thrown the scroll toward their enemy, Naruto leapt into action to intercept.
"How does that keep catching you off guard?"
"Sorry, thought they were still arguing. It's boring as hell when I can't fight or interject."
After his successful scroll interception, Naruto rebounded off another trunk, and landed right next to Sasuke.
"Stop being the hero, Naruto!" Sasuke scolded him, "Just stay out of this and leave it to me—" He was immediately silenced, however, when Naruto's fist smacked him squarely on the jaw, sending him flying across the branch. Everyone paused in confusion at Naruto's next question: "Just who the heck are you, you faker?"
"What sort of nonsense is this?" Sasuke shot back, "It's me, you loser!"
By this point Naruto was quaking with fury and labored breathing. "Liar..." he retorted, "Liar! You may look just like him, but there's no way you're the Sasuke I know! I don't care how tough a fight you've been through; surrendering, giving up the scroll; when did Sasuke become a coward?! You keep saying I don't understand what's going on, but I do! You've choked, that's what it is!"
"How can one kid be so perceptive and so dense at the same time?" Yoko broke in.
"Life is full of mysteries."
"Sad, but true," the Grass-nin spoke up from the other side of the branch, before wildly licking her lips with her freakishly long tongue.
"Dear God, don't ever do that again."
"It doesn't matter," The Grass-nin continued, while rolling up her sleeve "as far as the scroll goes, I could simply kill you and take it." As she finished talking, she bit her thumb and smeared a trail of blood down a series of black markings on her arm, while Naruto charged into battle.
"Summoning tattoo?"
"Seems like it."
As Naruto closed in, his enemy called for the summoning jutsu, bringing forth both a whirlwind and a giant snake, which easily swatted Naruto straight up into the trees.
"Wow, the whole 'Relaying commands by voice,' thing really doesn't work when they have any kind of speed."
Eventually, Naruto slammed back-first into another large branch.
"So, any ideas?"
"Yeah, I think I got something. You feel that?"
"Indeed I do."
Below, Sasuke wasn't faring much better. Still freaked out by their harrowing escape from before, he stared in dumb, wide-eyed fear at his opponent on a giant snake. (One could argue that this was actually the sane, rational response given the abilities she had shown thus far, but one should always be careful when attaching such adjectives as "sane" and "rational" to Sasuke Uchiha).
Turning her attention from the falling, lifeless form of Naruto, the grass nin sent her pet lunging at the Uchiha. "Now then, let's see how well you do, Sasuke." Sasuke stayed rooted to the spot while Sakura cried out to him. The snake never made it to the target, however; before Sasuke could even register what happened, Naruto was in front of him, breathing heavily, eyes down. He had jammed two kunai into the snake's snout to stop it.
"Hey, Kid," Naruto began, "You're not hurt are ya?" His voice was low and sonorous, almost a sultry growl, and it was much calmer than they were used to hearing from Naruto. He looked up and finished, "You scaredy-cat." Sasuke reeled back in surprise. He remembered vaguely that he had once said something similar to Naruto, but much more upsetting was the boy's appearance. The strange, whisker-like birthmarks on his face had thickened, his canines had elongated into fangs, and most disconcerting of all, his pupils had become vertical slits, and his irises were golden. While it would be fair to say Sasuke's thoughts were running a mile a minute, it would also be fair to say they were as functional as fifteen trains colliding at once.
"That's fine, you little coward," Naruto spoke up again, now smirking at him, "Have a seat and grab a cold one. Imma ice this bitch." So saying, he ripped the kunai out of his enemy and leapt into the air, spinning. With an unearthly speed, he let them fly straight into the giant snake's eye sockets. The reptile reared back with a roar of pain, sending his rider flying onto a faraway branch. Returning to his own tree limb, Naruto rolled his shoulder and casually walked over to the trunk as the now dead snake fell to the forest floor. Grabbing a smaller branch, Naruto effortlessly broke it off from the trunk, giving his new club a few practice swings. Resting it on his shoulder, he strolled back to the middle of the branch for a good-old-fashioned ninja staredown. The Grass ninja could swear he was smiling at her. Nonetheless, they both leapt from the branches heading straight for a mid-air collision. Even so, the grass ninja smiled to herself; with both her longer arms and speed, this was a pathetic strategy for the boy to pick. Except. Wait a minute. He was coming in too low for a straight up clash. What was his—
"Ghetto Style: Break His Kneecaps Jutsu!"
Oh.
Bringing the club forward, Naruto swung straight through his foe's legs, sending her careening up and then down, spinning all the while like a pinwheel. For the grass nin's part, between the blinding pain from her shattered patellae and the nauseating trip as a gyroscope, she was pretty sure she briefly blacked out at some point on the way down. Landing on the opposite branch, Naruto discarded his makeshift club and turn to where his opponent fell. As if his teammates were not dumbfounded enough by now, the watched as he raised both hands in the air, index fingers extended, before leaping straight down from the branch towards the immobile body on the forest floor. Naruto flew straight down sideways, driving his elbow into his opponent's face. The ninja's head promptly exploded. Naruto rolled off to the side, sort of bouncing off the ground, as blood, skin, and little bits of guts and bone rained everywhere.
"Whooo! Don't try that at home kids!" He crowed triumphantly, one arm raised.
Strangely, the body was still quivering a bit. Anyone squeamish might have lost their lunch at the next bit, as the grass nin, whole and unharmed, began to slither out the neck stub of her own corpse.
"Ah, little bitch subbed me," Yoko spat from inside the cage, silver-blue energy spilling out from his arms and down the corridor. "Ah well; Naruto, charge, sidestep left, give her a back roundhouse—" He did not get to finish his sentence, however, as his adversary body-flickered behind him, and Naruto found himself wrapped up in the woman's slimy tongue, despite the boy's boisterous protests.
"Ah, this'd be so much different if I had a body," Yoko muttered, "Kid! Double axe handle!"
Naruto brought his hands together and smashed them down at the base of the offending tongue while the snake woman was making hand seals The blow was ineffective, her slimy appendage just bowing down with the impact. By now her fingers were glowing with an eerie purple chakra as she lifted Naruto's jacket with the tip of her tongue. "Bad touch! Alright, fine, grab it and—"
"Five-Pronged Seal!" The woman cried, driving her hand into the black seal on Naruto's stomach.
"Ahg-bitch-tits-sonofa-mother-OW!" Yoko cried in pain as electricity arced across is hands and he stumbled back, waving and licking the smoking appendages.
"What happened?" Kurama asked, concerned.
"Dunno," Yoko panted, "Just got a shit-ton of feedback."
"Hmmm..." The red fox mused, as he walked over to the cage bars and attempted to send out his energy. Electricity and stray energy sparked across his hand as he grimaced.
Topside, Naruto had passed out from the shock of the extra seal, eyes going back to blue and body going completely limp. The grass ninja tossed him aside like so much garbage.
"It's a five-pronged seal," Kurama explained.
"Yeah, thanks teach," Yoko cut him off, still licking his singed fingers, "Gathered that from what the bitch yelled. What does it mean?"
"Well, from what I can tell from our brief jaunts exploring, we're sealed here with a double tetragram or Eight Trigrams seal. That is, two four pronged seals on top of each other. That's why we can't send any energy out to the real world directly. We found the crack in the first seal, but the second sends us into Naruto's chakra system."
"Okay, I follow, but we knew that already."
"Correct, but this woman just added a five-pronged seal. An odd number. Odd doesn't fit with even, so it's completely obstructing the seal's energy flow; that's why sending out energy felt like running into a maze of dead ends, just now. You were constantly pushing up against the seal itself."
"So it's just another turn on the seal? I got this." Yoko smirked, satisfied with the explanation, and crossed back over to the cage. A small wisp of silvery energy snaked out from his wrist, and slowly went down the corridor. It was another five seconds before a spark sent him reeling again.
"AH-mothering-tit-sonofa-f_!"
Kurama was very visible struggling to hold in his laughter.
"You were saying?"
"F_ you, fluffy."
"So, what is your plan exactly?" Kurama asked, sobering.
"It's just a maze, a puzzle," Yoko came back, smiling, "I can find a way out, no problem." He paused, screwing up his expression, "Or in, or whatever. It's just another heist. Or escape. Keep an eye up top. I'll take care of this," he finished, cracking his knuckles.
Later
Sakura's voice rang out in the forest: "Naruto! Sasuke's hurt! I need you! NARUTO!"
"Alright, what'd I miss?" Yoko inquired, rolling his shoulder and wiggling the blood back into his numbed, singed fingers.
"Well, Sasuke put up an admirable fight, though it was futile from the start. Turns out that grass ninja was Orochimaru."
"The rogue ninja sage guy?" Yoko asked with a quirk of the head, "Explains the snakes, I guess...and the cross-dressing."
"...Anyway," Kurama continued after a beat, "Seemed like he was content to leave after burning the scroll, but then he bit Sasuke. It seemed to have a strange effect. He screamed in pain and collapsed. I can sense very strange fluctuations in his chakra."
"Play-by-play still needs work," Yoko teased, "So it's just Pinky up there now? This blows. Guess I better get back to work." With one more roll of the shoulders, he returned to his task.
"—Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of hooch on the wall..."
"Yoko, for the love of God—"
"Fine fine...Ninety-nine hookers with blow on the wall, n—"
"I always thought Hell was supposed to be a lake of fire."
"Take one down, sc—"
"Clearly, I was mistaken."
"Holy shit, it's like Grand Central Station here. Leave it to Pinky to pick the worst possible hiding spot."
"Perhaps the bubble-gum hair has something to do with it."
"Yeeeaaaahhh, good bet there. At least bowl-brain's here to protect her from these music freaks. Kick some ass Ringo!"
Cornered by three Sound ninja, with an unconscious Naruto and Sasuke, Sakura had been saved by the timely appearance of Rock Lee, who was currently pile-driving one of the sound, Dosu, into the earth. Unfortunately, his teammate Zaku was able to break the fall with a strange earth jutsu the piled up a softer pile of dirt.
"Oh, God, here comes the bragging," Yoko whined, throwing his head back, as Dosu began to explain his sound-based powers.
"Perhaps we should focus on your escape plan. This looks like it's about to get dangerous."
The genin continued to trade blows above, until Lee collapsed, unconscious. A few ineffective shuriken later and Kin, the female sound nin, had a hold of Sakura by the hair.
"Oh, we are so f_ing screwed."
"There's always a way out of a corner."
Without warning, Sakura pulled a kunai, and slice off her own hair, sending the sound nin falling backwards.
"Woo! Badass! Try not to die, Pink!"
Sakura did a great job following that advice, truth be told, making a gambit with repeated substitutions, fooling Zaku for a close attack. Unfortunately, Sakura still needed work on her follow up. While she managed to pin Zaku with her kunai and teeth, she could little else than take his pummeling. Once that had gone on for an unreasonably long time, he finally managed to throw the girl off of him. Before he could finish her, however, Team 10 burst into the clearing, blocking his access.
"Oh, hey" Yoko cried, smiling, "It's the Ass-Trio!"
Kurama quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Fatass, Lazyass, and Bitchass," he explained over Kurama's sigh. "Hey, still better than we got, with Dumbass, Pinkass, and Emoass."
"Fair point."
Comedic antics immediately ensued, as Shikamaru and Choji complained about the danger, Choji tried to escape, and the sound ninja sent Choji into a flame-eyed rage with an insult to his weight.
"Man, where is the popcorn when you need it."
For all their complaining, there was a reason why Ino-Shika-Cho was one of the legendary combos of the leaf. Choji kept Zaku busy with his Human Boulder Jutsu, Shikamaru easily disable Dosu with his Clan's Shadow Possession, and Kin was taken over by Ino's Mind Transfer. The rapidity with they lost this advantage (as soon as Zaku blasted his own teammate) would in no way forecast their future prowess on the field. While future scholars would argue that the original Ino-Shika-Cho was the mark to measure the formation by, there was no question that the second generation was unrivaled with working with their peers. Which is probably why it was a good thing that Neji and TenTen showed up when they did.
"I wonder if any of you amateurs are ready to take on the real thing," Neji boasted from his branch.
"And the whole gang's almost here, with Hairyass, Niceass, and Stick-up-his-ass. Now all we're missing is Creepyass. . . uh, Cuteass. . . and. . . uh, yeah, I got nothing for the dog guy."
"Furryass?"
"Bingo."
A few more boasts and verbal spars were exchanged until Neji drew their attention to the purple chakra that had been wafting off of Sasuke the whole time. At that point, it began to swirl around him as he rose to his feet.
"What the shit?"
"Those blemishes on his skin," Kurama mused, referring to a series of strange black flame marks covering Sasuke's skin, "They're pulsing with power."
"He gave me this gift, and he made me understand what I am. I'm an Avenger. To follow my path, I must have power, at any price, even if it means being consumed by evil," Sasuke explained vaguely.
"I'd venture to guess he's referring to Orochimaru. Something must have happened with that bite. He transferred some kind of power."
"Creepy bastard. He's really asking for it."
Zaku proved to be no match for Sasuke with his new power, and the sound nin soon found himself on his knees, both arms held and a foot in his back.
"You seem to be very proud of these arms of yours," Sasuke said lowly, as he began to pull, "You must be...very attached to them..."
"Oh shit, is he gonna..." Yoko began, eyes widening.
"This is an incredibly dark power."
In answer to Yoko's unfinished question, Sasuke proceeded to dislocate both of Zaku's arms, and leave him passed out from the pain. Dropping the limp body, he crossed over to Dosu. "It looks like you're the only one left," Sasuke drawled, approaching slowly, "I hope you make things more interesting than your friend did." Dosu was frozen in fear as the Uchiha slowly approached. That's when a scream rang out through the forest, and Sasuke found a whimpering Sakura clinging to his back. The marks on his body began to recede and shrink with each strangled, sobbing "stop," until he collapsed, panting, on the ground.
Yoko smiled. "Nice work, cherry pie."
Kurama breathed a sigh of relief.
Things de-escalated spectacularly quickly after that. Dosu left his earth scroll and fled, and Team 10 tended to Naruto and Lee. In Naruto's case, "tended" meant a smack upside the head with a stick (for Lee it ended up being shaken like a leaf and a lecture form TenTen, but that's beside the point). Once Naruto had his obligatory freak out over the now-gone grass ninja and Sakura's new hairdo, they all exchanged pleasantries and filled each other in on the events, while Ino trimmed Sakura's hair.
"So what are we gonna do now?" Naruto broke the silence.
"Whaddaya mean?" Shikamaru shot back, his default mood hovering somewhere between 'mildly annoyed' and 'kinda miffed,' "We're gonna keep going with the test. Beats me what they're thinking," he finished with a thumb jerk towards Team Guy.
"We will be on our way as well," Neji supplied, tone even and icy as ever.
"Hey, don't we team up?" Naruto pressed, and continued after a second, "We're all Leaf Shinobi, so it'd only be a good thing if more of us pass, right? And besides, it'd be a great way to stick it back to those proctors for all their tricks on the first exam!"
"Are you nuts?!" Ino broke in, returning with Sakura from their impromptu barbering, "We can't do that, we—"
"Actually," Shikamaru cut her off, "he doesn't have a half bad idea there."
Ino opened her mouth with a betrayed look on her face, but Neji cut her off again,
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, think about it: What's the point of this exam?"
"That crazy psycho in the trench coat said it was a survival exercise," Ino answered before she could be cut off again.
Shikamaru sighed, choosing to ignore the redundancy of 'crazy psycho' for now: "Yeah, right, but what's the point of all these exams?"
"To gauge our abilities and fitness for the position of chunin," Neji supplied.
"Right," Shikamaru answered, "So if you ran into another Leaf squad out on a mission, you wouldn't just attack them, right? You'd work together. Besides, they very clearly listed the rules at the start, and collusion was not against them."
"I agree too," Sakura broke in, "It's better for the village overall, if we can get as many of us through, and stop as many foreign candidates as we can. We have the home field advantage, why not use it?"
"Frankly," Neji rejoined, "you'll just be a weight on us. I think you're looking for a chance to leech off the more experienced team."
"Neji! That is very unkind! We should not doubt the motives of fellow Leaf shinobi!" Lee exclaimed, one shaking fist raised. Neji was about to round on his teammate, before a soft hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Lee has a point, Neji," Tenten told him, "Remember all those speeches Guy-sensei gave us about teamwork? It's kinda the same thing." Overturned by his 'sane' teammate, Neji relented.
"Nice how you just set them up and let them go like that," Yoko spoke from his position in front of the cage.
"Yes, they truly work together very well, all of them," Kurama replied, "Hopefully they take this to heart."
"So, uh, how'd you do that?" Yoko asked, uncertainty slipping into his voice, "I'm still trying to find a way out of this little maze trap."
"I...honestly have no idea," Kurama told him, "I just tried a suggestion, on the off chance he could still hear us. I guess whatever avenue we can communicate through is not tied to his chakra system."
Yoko cracked a smile. "Yeah, well guess what?"
Kurama sighed. "What?"
"We are OUTTA this f_in' forest!" He raised both hands over his head and swung them down to his sides, "I am motherf_ing Moses, Godammit! Welcome to the promised land, bitches!"
Outside there was a massive quaking as trees and foliage bent like dough. Roots were torn up and trunks bent in perfect arches away from one central path. It was surreal to see so much foliage part at once, like a hurricane had just blown through. Off in the distance, dead ahead, the central tower was clear on the horizon.
"W-w-w-what was that?" Choji was the first to speak, "S-some kind of enemy jutsu?"
All was quiet for a moment. There were no signs of anyone near. Finally Shikamaru spoke:
"Whatever it was, it gives me an idea."
"Well, you certainly wasted no time."
"I am so sick of this f_ing forest. Snakes and f_in' pedos everywhere, surrounded by clinically retarded morons, not even any ferry girls to f_, despite the name; I'll be so glad to get out of here."
"You realize that whatever comes next, given the track record we've seen, is likely to be no more entertaining?"
"You are such a friggin' buzzkill."
"Just trying to keep your enthusiasm in check a bit. Impulsiveness like you just displayed could be troublesome in crowds like this."
"Well, better than my usual methods, right?"
"When your only tool is a hammer, you tend to see all your problems as nails."
"Nah, more like when all your problems are nails, you get really good at using a hammer, and since all my problems can be solved by banging something, a hammer is just the tool for the job; which also explains why I'm packing a sledge."
"Yoko, there's a limit to how much innuendo you can fit into one sentence."
"Heh, no there's not."
*Timpani**Huh!*
"Hello, Kurama here once again. We go out of the frying pan and into the fire as a 'preliminary round' tournament begins to thin the candidates. But first we go through a history lesson on the five nations...and several uneventful battles...perhaps it's a slow cooker, then? But between the curse mark, clan rivalries, overambitious youths, and the cornucopia of psychological disorders that seems to be everywhere in this world, we've got our work cut out for us. And that dirty snake is still slithering around in the grass too... "
"I got a snake that could do with some slithering..."
*sigh* "Next Time: Narrowing the Field: Slow Death Elimination!"
