And wondering where you've been,
And where you're going to find yourself before the night is through.
- Dying to Live, Poets of the Fall
Cissnei was sick of it all.
Sick of caring. Sick of trying. Sick of failing everyone and everything. But at the same time, she was tired of trying not to care. It was nothing but a painful excercise in futility. Tseng, Reno, Rude, Tifa, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, Cloud, Zack... she could probably have come up with more names of people she cared for, but those were enough to prove her point: she was incapable of not getting attached.
All the people on her list would be dead some day - those who weren't already. She would be dead some day. Did it make such a difference if it happened then or later? Suppose Zack had never been sent to Nibelheim. He could - probably would - have died some other way; on a mission, maybe, or in a reactor explosion or... who knew?
"...Another attack on a mako reactor from terrorist group AVALANCHE today, fortunately no casualties..."
Cissnei got up and move over to the couch to get a better view of the TV, though in truth she was only mildly curious about what it had to report. President Shinra had actually blown up the reactor before their bomb had gotten the chance to, but he was hardly going to broadcast that on TV.
"Citizens are asked..."
Cissnei glanced up suddenly as a photograph filled the TV screen: a young woman, dressed in a Turk's suit, with copper hair and dark, caramel-coloured eyes. Her look was guarded, but not haunted. The text underneath the photograph read Name: Classified, Alias: Cissnei. They must have taken the picture from her Shinra file.
"...to report any sightings of the following people..."
The image on the screen switched to Cloud and Cissnei suddenly became very preoccupied with the ceiling tiles to avoid having to look at his picture. I'm sorry I keep letting you down, Zack. I can't help it. I can't make this world into something it's not.
Cissnei wondered if the Turks had their televisions switched on. Look at yourself, Cissnei. First a Turk, now a terrorist.
Cissnei flinched at the sound of a crash. Barret had attacked the television and was pounding it into the ground.
"Barret, stop!" she yelled, holding up a hand. Barret turned to face her.
"Didn't ya hear what they were saying about us? The dirty little -"
"I know, I know." Cissnei dropped her hand, satisfied that he had temporarily stopped assaulting the TV. "But it would be a good idea to find out what information they're putting out about us. It will help us avoid getting caught. After that you can do whatever you want."
"Fine, fine, whatever," Barret grumbled. "Guess you have a point."
"Anyone who sees these people is permitted and encouraged to kill them on sight, if they find themselves in a situation to do so, but it should be noted that they are all highly dangerous. Helping them or withholding information about them would be viewed as an offence under the Criminal Act of -"
"Damn, they're gettin' serious. Wonder what's changed."
Cissnei's eyes latched to a point on the floor. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. "...Me."
"Huh?"
"I was a Turk, Barret. I know a lot of highly classified information. I'm the kind of person they don't want in a terrorist group. So they're going to keep hunting us until they're satisfied that I'm not a threat anymore." Goddess knows Shinra is good at hunting people...
"You sure about that?"
Cissnei wrapped her arms around herself for warmth. "Pretty sure. Shinra... tends to take these things seriously. Take my word on it."
"'Kay, I believe you. They want you that bad, huh?"
Cissnei shrugged. "If it would make things easier for you, I could always leave." She didn't want to see these people get hurt. More specifically, she didn't want to see them get hurt because of her. She'd already done far too much damage on Shinra's behalf. Funny what it takes to open my eyes. Maybe, in my own way, I was fooled by them every bit as much as Zack was. He bought into their crap about heroism and honour. I believed them when they claimed the dirty jobs they sent me on were necessary.
That, or I just didn't want to think to hard about it. She didn't know where she'd go if she left, but she'd figure it out eventually. She hadn't known where to go when she'd left Shinra.
"Leave us? Hell, no. If Shinra wants ya, that just means you've gotta be a good asset to have. An' besides, you've already proved yerself. Yer one of us now. If Shinra comes after ya, we'll just fight them off."
"...Thank you, Barret." Like it's that simple. Zack thought he could fight Shinra off, too. "Can I just... think on it for a while, please?"
"Sure. Let me know when you've made up your mind. YO, BIGGS! WE NEED ANOTHER ACCESS CODE. WE'RE GOING..." Cissnei sighed and got up from the couch as Barret continued to holler instructions at Biggs, wincing as she did so. Her shoulder was still healing from after the explosion. My life is a mess right now.
I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Cissnei walked up to the counter numbly, trying to block out the background noise. She didn't want to be right there, right then. She didn't want to be anywhere. When she'd first met Zack, she'd told him she'd always wanted wings to fly away (afterwards, being with Zack had been its own kind of escape; he'd had this funny way of temporarily suspending reality. Too bad reality had caught up in the end). That had been a little girl's dream, though; a little girl who longed for a world of peace and beauty that she could one day find. Cissnei was old enough now to know that there was no such world.
She longed for it anyways.
"Hey, Cissnei..."
Cissnei spun around, startled. She hadn't heard Jessie sneak up on her. My Turk instincts must be fading. "Hey," she said quietly. She wasn't really in the mood for a conversation.
Jessie fidgeted for a few seconds. "I'm... I mean, are you okay?"
"I'll be fine. I've been through worse. I was a Turk, you know."
"Right." Jessie bit her lip. "You know, I'm sorry about Cloud."
Cissnei drew in a deep breath. Did she really need to bring him up? "So am I." She studied Jessie for a few seconds. Light brown hair pulled back into a pony tail; an expression of friendly concern on her face. Not the image she'd first have conjured up for a terrorist. "Jessie, can I ask you something?"
"No problem."
"Why did you join AVALANCHE?"
Jessie perched her chin on one hand. "Hmm. I suppose… I'm not like the others here, in that there wasn't one specific incident that made me hate ShinRa. It's more like… something feels wrong about them, you know? And I agree with everything Barret says about them. I guess I want to save the Planet?"
Jessie's words were sincere. Cissnei wondered what that would be like, being so sure that you were doing the right thing. When she'd been with the Turks, right and wrong had never even come into it. "So you want to be a hero." A common goal. Rarely achieved.
"I've never really thought about it like that. I just go with whatever feels right for me to do." Jessie took a sip of her coffee. "And you?"
Cissnei shrugged. "No such noble reasons. Just a desire to belong somewhere. Do you believe there are heroes, though?"
Jessie tilted her head to look at Cissnei. "I've known lots of people I consider to be heroic. I mean, it's not a strongly held belief or anything. Just… sometimes 'hero' seems like a good word to describe someone, you know?" There was a moment of silence. "Cissnei... I overheard your conversation with Barret."
Cissnei stiffened.
"I wanted to say that I agree with everything he said. I mean... you are one of us... aren't you?"
Cissnei reacted to Jessie's question with silence. She knew the answer Jessie was looking for, of course; she wanted easy reassurances. Cissnei had never been one to give those. I don't belong in AVALANCHE. I only joined because of Cloud. Who was gone. Gone in a couple of seconds, because of a stupid mistake she'd made.
She didn't belong in the Turks either anymore. She belonged nowhere, drifting through life. But that kind of life drained her. So if she had to choose a place, she supposed it would be AVALANCHE.
So… I suppose this means I'm staying, even without Cloud.
"Yes… I suppose I am."
"Okay." Jessie smiled. Her smile was so warm, open, welcoming and guileless, Cissnei instantly felt guilty for her hesitance. "I'm glad."
Hallelujah, it's raining men. Seriously, girl, you need to do something about that roof.
Honestly, Reno was glad for Mystery Guy's sudden appearance. Up to then, he'd just about resigned himself to a long evening of uneventfulness. He'd been assigned to babysitting - sorry, make that to Ancient Watching - duty by Tseng because he was the only one available for it. There was nothing in the world more uneventful than watching a girl tend to flowers. Sure, some people might have found it cute. The first time around. You could only watch Aerith being... well... Aerith for so long before you started to get bored out of your mind.
Why the hell do they even need someone to watch her? I mean, I get she's half-Ancient and all but it's not like she ever actually does anything. Still, Mystery Guy's appearance might prove an interesting development.
He stepped inside the church to get a better view of him, and the two of them both looked up, mildly startled. They'd been crouched over the flowers together, talking. They'd only met, what, five minutes ago? But already they looked like the kind of picturesque couple that only existed in mushy, sentimental plays and stuff. Dear Minerva, I want to puke.
"Sorry!" Aerith exclaimed. "Bad timing on my part." Well, credit where credit's due, at least she knows when to stop. I thought they'd be making kissy noises by now.
Mystery Guy looked at him for a while, expression unreadable, before just shrugging and turning back to face Aerith.
"Don't mind me," Reno said, leaning back against the wall. Better just to observe, for the moment. Mystery Guy looked familiar, though he couldn't pin him down. He had a huge sword strapped across his back. Huh. Don't think I've seen him before... but...
"Hey, you said you do everything, right? Can you be my bodyguard?"
"Okay... but it'll cost you." Yeah, I swear this guy is familiar...
"Hmm... how about... if I go out if you once?"
Reno fought hard not to snort. Seriously? That line again? Well, whatever works, I guess. Who knows, maybe another handsome guy will drop out of the sky for you once this one gets riddled with holes. At least her taste has improved - this one doesn't seem like such an idiot.
Mystery Guy didn't reply, just shook his head and turned to walk towards the exit. Or towards me.
"Hey... I don't think I know you..." M.G. frowned in concentration. "Oh, yeah... I know you..."
Okay, three words: what. The. Hell. It was impossible to tell what was up with him. One moment, he was flirting shamelessly with Aerith, the next acting cool and calm, and then... this. I have never in my life seen this guy before.
"Yo, sis," called a member of his infantry backup. He wished they weren't there; they were just annoying and got in his way. "This one seems a little wierd."
Oh, really?
"Shut up, Shinra spy!" Huh. Got a grudge against Shinra, then.
"Wanna take him out, Reno?"
"Haven't decided." Reno tried to get a closer look at Mystery Guy's face. He couldn't read anything in it. His eyes were an unnaturally bright shade of blue, but they revealed nothing. He reminded him a little of a girl he'd once worked with; a puzzle, giving away nothing, making him work for every piece of information he could glean. He'd turned it into something of a game, with her. It had been addictive. And then she'd left.
Turks just don't do that. It's not how we work. Especially not for some stupid dead guy. Not that he missed her, or anything. He was a Turk; he was used to people coming and going.
"Don't fight here, you'll ruin the flowers!" Just typical of Aerith to be most worried about her flowers. "The exit is back there." She took off at a sprint, with Mystery Guy behind her.
There was something else strange about that guy... weren't his eyes mako enhaced? But, he couldn't have been from SOLDIER. Reno would have recognised him. "All right, guys, back to work -" Reno was cut off in the middle of his sentence when his phone began to vibrate. Damn, who could be calling me now?
"Reno? Tseng speaking."
"Yo, I'm in the middle of a mission here, sir!"
"Watching the Ancient? You can cut it off. This is more important."
Reno snorted. "Hey, things were actually getting interesting. Some weird guy with Mako eyes turned up."
"Nevertheless, this is a priority. President Shinra has another mission for us. It's a retaliation against AVALANCHE."
"The whole Sector One thing? Oh, c'mon, that wasn't that serious."
"No. There was another attack, only five minutes ago, on the Sector Five reactor. Apparently it's a matter of top priority. The President wants us in his office in half an hour. Call your mission off." No 'You can make it, right?' In the Turks, the ability to fulfill any order was a given.
"Got it. But this had better be worth it, yo."
Yay, update! I am still working on this, I promise.
Tayashia - I know my style tends to be on the slow side. Sorry if that bores you. This might actually be a particularly slow chapter, but hopefully it'll pick up. I'm very grateful that you've stuck with me so far :).
Sdphantom10 - Yep, last chapter was definitely an exciting one. And if the Planet had therapists, Advent Children would have been a very different movie :). But Cissnei does need a hug, I agree.
Irish-Brigid - Nothing is more fun than adding complications to Cloud's life XD. I'm a sadist like that. Still, being surrounded by girls isn't all that bad...
qwq qweqq - I am practicing, it just tends not to get posted. But it would be great if you had any more tips. My main problem is that things that look awesome don't always go over that well in text.
Also, thank you to everyone who has followed and/or favourited this. Even if you didn't leave a review, I'm glad this is being read.
