Chapter Nine – Against the Odds
Since then my life has been hell, hell, hell. My mind is gone – everything in the world I lived for has gone – the world has gone mad. I shall be driven to end my life. Oh God, forgive me. Nobody dreams what my awful position is.
*
Well, I've always heard that pity was akin to love. We'll see what comes of this.
- L.M. Montgomery
Ginny. Ginny was gone.
Hermione awoke in the hospital wing and realized the cot next to her own was now vacant. It was early morning and the late winter sun had just then begun to filter in through the stained glass windows. On the other side of the room, Harry snored loudly, in the grips of a deep and tumultuous slumber.
Acute panic seized the young witch upon realizing her beloved had gone missing.
"Madam Pomfrey! Madam Pomfrey!" she cried feverishly, "Come quick! Hurry! Oh please!"
"What is it child?" the Matron asked as she rushed to Hermione's bedside, almost exasperatedly, as if for the hundredth time.
"Ginny is missing! She was there last night when I fell asleep, and now she's gone!" the fifteen-year old girl sobbed.
"Your friend has not been kidnapped, my dear. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came late last night to take Ginny home. She won't be coming back to Hogwarts, I'm afraid."
"Why ever not?" Hermione cried incredulously.
"I'm not at liberty to discuss that," Poppy fretted, "Now do go back to sleep. You need your rest. You've been through a great ordeal."
"And what kind of great ordeal is that exactly?" the fourth-year was hysterical, "I went to sleep Friday night, only to wake up here on Saturday evening. What happened to me yesterday, pray tell?"
"I can't say, Miss Granger. Please, don't make me say it again. Calm yourself."
"Calm myself? CALM MYSELF?" Hermione was hyperventilating, "How can you say that? I'm only fifteen years old and I can't account for my activities yesterday. Premature memory loss? I don't think so. Now, who was the genius who cast an Obliviate spell on me?"
"He's right here," a low, melancholy voice issued from the doorway, "Pardon my intrusion, Poppy. I thought I might check on a few of your patients."
"That's quite all right, Severus," Madam Pomfrey sounded relieved, "Although, overnight "a few" has turned into a couple. Miss Granger and Mister Potter are the only patients left in the ward. Miss Weasley's parents have withdrawn her from Hogwarts. I'm not sure if Albus told you."
"No, I hadn't heard," Severus spoke in measured tones, catching Hermione's eye as she sat, disconsolate, on her bed, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"The poor girl, she keeps asking me what happened to her yesterday," Poppy whispered, "Don't worry, I haven't told her…not that I know any details. Although there have been rumours –"
"I'll take it from here, Poppy," Snape sighed, "If you might give the two of us some privacy."
Madam Pomfrey smiled knowingly. Apparently the urban legend of Severus and Hermione's involvement had also reached her ears.
"You do realize that Potter is still sleeping, Severus. If you might keep the noise to a minimum…"
Snape rolled his eyes, realizing his faux-pas. He couldn't be bothered to dignify her false assumption with a rebuttal, though.
"All right, then, I take my leave," Madam Pomfrey stopped fussing and summarily left for breakfast in the Great Hall.
"Why?" Hermione asked the Potions Master quietly, "Why did you do it?"
Severus remained silent for a moment, not knowing quite what to say. It was best, he thought, that the witch know as little as possible about the debauchery of the day before. Still, he had grown accustomed to speaking to the shrewd girl like an adult and found it difficult to lie to her. At the same time, she was still so very young and in need of protection. He sat on the cot next to his morose student.
"Do you trust me, Miss Granger?"
"I…I suppose I do," Hermione admitted, "But I fail to see the merit in wiping my memory, even if it was for a day. Don't you think I'm old enough to learn from my own mistakes?"
"It was nothing you did," Severus said rashly.
"Then what happened to me, for God's sakes? And why is Ginny gone? Did I use the love potion on her too? Something seems wrong, professor. Something seems very, very wrong. I feel horrible. Simply horrible. You know I broke into your stores on Friday night and gave a dose of Amortentia to Katie Bell? Then she asked me to sleep with her…and you know what, I did! That's illegal, isn't it? I'm going to Azkaban for that, aren't I? I'm a sexual deviant now," the witch deduced sorrowfully, "You don't have to sugarcoat it for me, I can take it."
"Have I ever been one to sugarcoat anything, Miss Granger?" Snape asked, half-amused.
"No, I suppose not," Hermione reflected, "So give it to me straight."
Despite himself, the Potions Master's lips twitched.
"First and foremost, having sexual intercourse with someone under the influence of Amortentia is not a criminal offence in the wizarding world. The Minister for Magic would never stand for that, his trysts with his female secretaries rely on its continued permissibility. In any case, it wouldn't have been illegal for you -"
"I don't care what the debauched Minister for Magic has to say about it. It's morally wrong. In the Muggle world, we call that date rape!"
Severus flinched at the word, but remained calm.
"Miss Granger, you misunderstand –"
"I told you, I don't care what the law says. I deserve to burn in hell for what I did and –"
"Miss Granger, I'm going to let you in on a little secret."
"What's that now? Let me guess, you're an avid Amortentia rapist too."
"No, Miss Granger. I, like you, recognize the inherent dangers of Amortentia if it should fall into the wrong hands. For that reason, I would never keep a pre-mixed batch of it at the school, accessible to any wayward students who might decide to raid my stores on Friday evenings looking to have a little fun. "
Hermione flushed, "I don't believe you. There's no way Katie Bell would have –"
"I assure you, Miss Granger, it was the equivalent of pink lemonade, albeit a very powerful placebo. I'm guessing once you administered the drink, if Miss Bell saw the label, she would have considered it a free pass to…well," Snape blundered, "You see?"
"Ah," the witch nodded, "That makes sense, I guess."
"Is that of any consolation to you, then?"
"It's hard to say."
"Come again?"
"It's hard to say whether it's of any consolation to me. I still don't know what happened to me yesterday. And you still haven't answered my question. Why, professor? Why did you tamper with my memory?"
"Believe it or not, Miss Granger, I –"
"—have a vested interest in my well-being? Yeah, I know," the witch sounded unconvinced.
"I care about you," Severus said softly.
"No, you don't!" Hermione spat angrily, "How dare you?"
Snape understood.
"I am not your father, Hermione."
"I know," the witch said in a small voice, "I know that. You're Professor Snape."
"That I am," Severus spoke quietly, "But I'd also like to be your friend, if you'd let me."
"That's not possible," Hermione turned away, another niggling headache coming on, "That's not customary. Anyway, what's with you lately? This isn't like you."
She reminded him of Lily.
"I haven't been quite truthful with you. I know about your plan. That's why I gave you so many detentions. To keep an eye on you."
"My plan?"
"To kill yourself tonight by jumping off the Astronomy tower."
"How? What, do you read minds?"
"As it happens…yes. Forgive me, it wasn't quite fair of me to— You are not trained in Occlumency."
"My God, aren't you a piece of work!" Hermione scoffed, "How many times have I told you to just leave me alone? None of this is your business. You couldn't know how I feel! You couldn't know what it's like to have your parents and classmates reject you because you're gay! You don't understand!"
"I think I do, Miss Granger."
"Oh please, spare me the drugstore psychology."
"You misunderstand, Miss Granger. You are not alone."
"Yes, I am," Hermione wept devastatingly, "Yes, I am!"
If Severus had been able to steel himself to the young witch's heartache before, he could not do so now. Against his better judgement and all that was customary, he gave Hermione a hug. She clutched onto his robes with a death grip.
"You're not the only gay at Hogwarts."
"What does that mean?" Hermione let go of Snape's robes, "You're just saying that."
"I'm not. Didn't you know that Professor Dumbledore is as gay as a wand-maker?"
"He's not," she didn't believe him, "Dumbledore can't be gay. He's, well…Dumbledore. The most powerful wizard in the world."
"Do I sense a little internalized homophobia here?"
"Sorry, it's just…really? I never would have thought."
"His purple cloak and and high-heeled boots didn't give it away?"
"Do I sense a little stereotyping here?"
"Sorry, you're right. Not all gay wizards wear flamboyantly cut suits of plum velvet. I, for instance, prefer a more conservative look," Snape ventured.
"Yeah, but you're not –"
"You don't think?"
Hermione stared at him, pensively. This changed everything, somehow.
"You doubt me because of my fashion sense?" Snape kidded facetiously.
"So you and Dumbledore are an item?"
"Merlin, no!" Severus was offended, "I'm closer in age to my students. Professor Dumbledore is nearly one hundred and fifty years old!"
"So you are banging a student? A male student?" Hermione grinned mischievously. Her tears had stopped falling.
"I am doing no such thing!" Snape snapped, "Regardless of whatever rumours might be going around, I don't sleep with my students. Out of principle."
Across the room, Harry's spirits fell. He had been eavesdropping on the conversation with rapt attention since Snape had outed Dumbledore.
"Of course you don't," Hermione smirked, almost proud of Snape for having disclosed such intimate details of his life.
"Potter, I know you're eavesdropping on us. I see you moving over there," Severus called over, aggravation mounting in his voice.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm awake!" Harry retorted, unthinkingly.
Hermione laughed heartily.
"I take it your suicidal plans are on hold once again, Miss Granger?"
"I suppose they are. Thank you for everything, sir."
Snape nodded, his emotions back in check.
"Off you go, then. You wouldn't want to miss breakfast."
Harry got up to follow the witch out. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with Snape after what had happened between them Friday night.
"Not so fast, Potter."
The young wizard froze in his tracks.
"Aren't you wondering how you wound up here?"
"I figure you think I'm right mental," Harry fumed, "You're going to admit me to St. Mungo's, is that it?"
"No, Mr. Potter. That is not it."
"Then I'm grateful for it. Would you please let me go to breakfast now?"
"Shortly. But first, Potter, don't you think we need to have a little talk about what happened Friday night?"
"You didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it then! You threw me out of your rooms after –"
I love you, the words echoed in Severus' head, I love you, sir.
"I know. You'll have to forgive me, Potter. I'm a very… troubled man."
"I'm sorry for what I said," Harry felt ashamed.
"No," Severus began uncertainly, unsure how to qualify his disapproval of Potter's retraction, "What you said…it was very…sweet."
I can't believe I just said that, Snape thought, horrified.
"Don't you like me too? Even though you're mean to me, I thought you might. Agh. Sorry. I shouldn't have said that either. I don't know the proper boundaries."
"I'm scared for you sometimes, Harry," Severus said quietly, "The Dark Lord will stop at nothing to kill you. And you're not ready to face him. You're just fourteen years old."
Harry looked at his handsome professor, need in his emerald eyes.
"You're fourteen years old," Snape repeated, trying to get his point across to Potter without spelling it out for him.
"You really don't sleep with your students, huh?"
Severus smirked at the boy's forthrightness.
"Send me an owl when you're older, Potter."
