I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love,
I'll be watching you from above,
And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you,
Cause I'm on your side,
And I still care,
I may have died but I've gone nowhere,
Just think of me, and I'll be there
Escape Club – I'll be there
It had been a few days since the incident, and I was just starting to feel back to normal. But something else had been bothering me, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. When I woke up that morning, I felt instant dread. And I had no idea why.
Criss was still suspicious, but he did seem to tone things down over the past couple of days. JD and I hadn't really talked much. Which I'm sure was the reason why Criss' eyes didn't burn with hate at the sight of JD anymore. I didn't know if he had given up on the ridiculous notion that JD and I were having an affair. Or if realized we knew he was pissed about something.
"Hey, get dressed, we got plans." Criss said from around the corner, glaring at me as I flipped through the channels and lounged on the couch. I hadn't been feeling good all day. My stomach was in knots and I had felt nauseous. And with the feeling of a gloomy day lingering over my head, and no idea why, I didn't really feel like going anywhere.
"Crisssssss..." I whined.
"No, get up, get dressed, we're going to dinner." he demanded before walking out of the room. I groaned loudly and forced myself off the couch. It had only taken me about 10 minutes to finally decide what I wanted to wear, which was a record for me. I always had a hard time finding the right thing to wear, especially when Criss said 'dinner'. I always knew that meant 'dress nice'. I had my dress, make up and hair done in under an hour. Criss was waiting by the front door impatiently. I laughed quietly as I watched him pace in front of the door, unaware I was standing there.
"I'm ready." he jumped slightly and turned.
"Bout time." he stuck his tongue out at me.
"Bite me!" I yelled playfully. He flashed me a grin and started to walk towards me. I held my hands up in defense and backed into the wall. "Don't you dare! You know I don't mean literally. Ouch!" I yelped as he bit me on the shoulder. I lightly smacked him with my purse. "You know I hate it when you do that."
"Well, that'll teach ya. Now, are we going or do I have to do it again?" he smiled at me. I shook my head at him and led the way out the door. I'm sure he was hoping for me to say it again.
"So when do I get to drive the lambo?" I asked out of nowhere as we hopped into the hummer. Criss whipped his head over to stare at me, the look on his face obviously said 'seriously?'. "What?" I asked when I couldn't take his staring anymore. He shut his door without taking his eyes off of me.
"I've seen you drive." he finally said.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I laughed.
"'I've.. seen you.. drive.." he repeated himself slower. "There's no way in hell I'm letting you get behind the wheel of my lamborghini we wouldn't survive your road rage, and I love my life, I want to live." he said as straight faced as possible.
"I don't have road rage!" he lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head to glare at me. "Okay, maybe a little." I admitted and shrugged. His lifted his eye brows and continued to glare at me. "Okay, yes!" I rolled my eyes. "I have road rage, its called offensive driving. Ensures that idiots don't kill me first. I'm from Michigan, what more do you want? The people up there drive like idiots or old grandmas. In order to drive up there you have to drive in offense mode, and make sure your defense is right behind you. Soccer Moms are more likely to run you off the road than an asshole in a sports car. And god don't even get me started on the first snowfall of the year." Criss let me ramble as he watched me with an amused smile on his face. "I promise, I'd be careful. I just want to see how fast I can go." I pleaded with him.
"Thats what worries me. No. The answer is no." he started the engine.
"Please, please, pleeeease Criss. The one car Ive always wanted ever since I knew what cars were was a lambo. Please let me drive it, just once, we can even take it out to the desert, no one around for me to kill, I just want to drive it, just once." I begged him. He sighed heavily and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.
"I'll think about it." he finally said. I screeched with happiness and clapped my hands together. I could faintly hear him groaning as he started to drive. At least it was a straight up no.
"Then can I drive the viper?" I asked. He stuck a finger out towards me and kept his eyes on the road.
"Don't push it." I bit down on my knuckle, trying to keep from laughing.
When we arrived at the restaurant I felt myself getting a little nervous. The hostess took one look at us, and knew what to do. But instead of seating us at a normal table, she continued to walk. She led us into the back room, past the cooks, down a long hallway, up some stairs, and finally we walked out onto the roof of the building. The sun was almost down, giving the sky a beautiful pink glow.
My eyes scanned the roof top and stopped on one lonely table covered by a dark red cloth. Two lit candles burned on either side of a vase holding one single rose. And two dinner plates sat side by side. The roof was littered with thousands of white Christmas lights.
"Its so beautiful." I whispered and stole a glance up at Criss. He was grinning ear to ear. The way the lights made his eyes twinkle and shine gave me goose bumps all the way down my body. I wondered why he was doing all of this? What made today so special? Then it hit me. No, today wasn't a special day, it was a tragic day. The 10th anniversary of my step fathers death. How did he know? I never told him when James died, only how.
We walked to the table and took out seats. Criss didn't say a word. And I knew he was waiting for me to break the silence. When I hadn't said anything for 10 minutes, Criss finally spoke.
"Not hungry?" he asked, nudging toward my barely touched plate. I didn't even notice that I had been picking at my food.
I shook my head no, keeping silent. He took a deep breath and tossed his napkin onto the table.
"Lana, I know. I know what today is, and I'm sure you've gathered by now what this is all about. I spoke to Ann today. She called me." My eyes shot up at him. My mom? Why would my mom call him? He held his hands up in defense. "First, she wanted me to tell you, shes sorry for everything that's been going on lately. That you guys have a lot to discuss and you can call her whenever you're ready." I shook my head. My mom and I had been down that road before. We always danced in the same circles, never really getting anywhere.
"Secondly," he continued, "she explained to me how hard today is for you. How it has been every year since the accident. That you always put on a brave face so no one would know the pain you're in, but everyone could see through you."
"You wouldn't understand Criss." I sighed. He glared at me as I stared at the ground. He pulled my face towards his and stared into my eyes.
"Lana, you wanna know why I didn't show up on your birthday? Why I waited until the weekend after?" I looked at him, confused, wondering where he was going with it. "My Dad died on February 12th, the day after your birthday. He died in my arms. And even though its been 14 years, I still have a hard time on that day, every year. It gets better, with time, but you never fully heal, there's always going to be a part of you that misses that person beyond comprehension." he kept his gaze locked onto mine, "but if there's one thing I've learned through all these years, its that you have to keep moving. You have to live your life and move on." I looked down at my hands, which were now tightly held in his.
"But its different for me. You lost your dad, and that's one of the hardest things to deal with. But you didn't kill your dad." I could almost feel his shock run through to my body. He pulled my face back to his.
"I did not just hear you say that. You did not go through all those years of therapy lying to everyone and yourself. I don't believe you. I know you don't believe you did it." he sounded almost angry. "And damn it, I wont let you believe that. Because you and I both know, it was not your fault. Fuck what everyone else thinks." he sighed heavily, "You cant live your life in the past, cause then one day, you'll wake up and realize you wasted your whole future dwelling on what you cant change. It happened Lana, and you need to accept that. But don't you dare sit here and tell me it was your fault, because it wasn't." he placed his palm on my cheek and studied my face for a long time, his eyes shifting back and forth, searching for an answer.
"What are you scared of?" he whispered. His face twisted as he tried to read my thoughts. I tried my hardest to keep my eyes on his, but every second I looked at him, I felt my barrier crumbling. I didn't want to break down, not again.
"I just don't want to let him down anymore." I whispered and felt a single tear spill onto my cheek. Criss swept his thumb across my cheek, wiping away the tear.
"Lana, all those years, that was the one thing I worried about. And everyone kept telling me that he was proud of me. But I never believed it. Until the day I realized that no matter how or where you end up, they are proud of you, because you kept on fighting, kept on moving, kept on living. And I know hes already proud of you. You are a beautiful, kind, caring, giving, funny, loving woman and everything that comes with it. You're just starting out with your life, and yet you've already done so much good with it. And given everything that's been thrown at you, you still kicked and fought, until you came out on top. And if that's not a reason to be proud of someone, then I don't know what is. But you cant move on with your life, until you've come to realize that."
"I don't want to move on, I don't want to lose him for good." I admitted. It was strange hearing those confessions come from my own mouth. Even with my therapist, I always told everyone what they wanted to hear. I always kept my true feelings bottled inside, because I knew everyone would look at me like I had lost it. But not Criss. Criss was actually starting to make sense. He was the first person who I had admitted any of that to, but also, the first person who didn't look at me like I was crazy, the first person who didn't judge me or make their own assumptions. I didn't think I could love Criss anymore than I already did. But at that moment, by god, I felt something so much stronger than love.
He smiled at me. His smile was so sweet and gentle, and was full of understanding. I had forgotten that he had gone through this as well. That he too lost an important person. And that he knew and understood everything I was thinking.
"I know sometimes you may think he left you. But he didn't. He may not be here physically anymore, but he will always be with you spiritually. And heaven now has a wonderful man to watch over you." he spoke so softly that it sent shivers down my spine. "And any time you feel like you lost him again, just look up at the stars. And I swear to you Lana, you will feel him staring down at you." He kissed my forehead and looked me in the eyes.
"Hes been looking out for you so well, that he brought me to you." He kissed me softly and rested his forehead on mine. "Now let him go." he whispered. Criss was right. All the years that I had dealt with the guilt of what happened to James, thinking it was my fault. I had punished myself enough. And it was time to move on, to let him go, and let him take care of me in his own way. Criss had said you cant live in the past, and he was right. You cant live your future without letting go of your past, or you would miss out on the good things. And the man that made me feel alive again, made me feel so much love, the one staring me right in the face. I didn't want to miss out on one second with him. I suddenly felt myself get lighter, as if the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
"Its no wonder they call you mindfreak." I grinned at him and then smacked my lips hard onto his.
This past weekend the world lost one of the most strongest and bravest men I have ever known. And he was like a father to me. The world will never be able to replace him. But now he can take care of everyone in a way he couldn't while he was on this earth. Rest in Peace! And we will never forget you.
