Chapter 8 – The Rulers

"'Post-Chelonian Recovery Fund'? 'Chief Executive Figurehead Mary'?" Caiaphas said, scanning the website of the new campus club. "Is this a joke?"

"No, President, it's a movement." Dinah opened the curtains on the Student Council room's wall-length window, revealing the crowd gathering below. It had been growing ever since lunch began. By now, it threatened to obstruct the doors into the school building.

The Fund's first fundraiser, a carwash in the school parking lot, had been a huge success. Most of the credit went to Martha, for spreading the word among the other clubs, and to Mary, for wearing a white t-shirt on the day of the event. The club had grown steadily over the following month and a half, inspiring sister organizations on campuses from Damascus to Beer-sheba.

"Everyone loves the work they do," said Dinah. "People are saying that Jesus bar-Joseph should be the next Student Body Pres—oop!" The VP slapped her hands over her mouth.

Caiaphas's face darkened. "He's trying to replace me."

Nicodemus glanced up from the meeting schedule that he had been writing on the dry-erase board. "Well, this is your senior ye—"

"He isn't like the others," Caiaphas said, staring down at the crowd. "He's actually a threat. He's the only other student who's actually electable."

"What about Martha?" asked Leah. "I mean, she's in every student organization except the live-action role-playing club. She's probably at least as well-known as Jesus is."

"Yes," said Caiaphas, "except that Jesus doesn't look like he's perpetually constipated. And how do you know that Martha isn't in the live-action role-playing club?"

"Uh … I just looked at their membership roster once. So I could make fun of them."

"Right…" Caiaphas said, raising an eyebrow. "Anyway, we have to do something. If we don't"—the President looked slowly around the room, fixing each of his fellow Council members with his gaze—"then I'm not the only one who might lose his position to one of those attention whores down there."

Dinah and Leah nodded grimly. Then Dinah lifted a finger.

"I have an idea…"


"Hey Simon," Judas called as he handed Martha her change, "We've got a new brand of coffee that even you might be willing to buy. It's organically grown."

"Is it fair trade?" asked Simon.

Judas sighed. "No."

"Alright!" Simon shouted sarcastically. "Now I can buy coffee harvested by de facto slaves who weren't destroying the environment!"

After double-checking her change, Martha headed over to the bench, attempting to ignore the argument that was currently raging there. Apparently Thomas had concluded that all the supposed zombie-turtle sightings had actually been sightings of swamp gas. This hypothesis was encountering some incredulity from critics such as Simon, who was surprised to learn that he had been recently spent half a day as swamp gas.

"Jesus, isn't it?" a voice said, interrupting the argument.

The group turned to see Student Body President Caiaphas and VP Dinah approaching the bench.

"Those are some pretty impressive heroics you've been displaying," Caiaphas said cooly, looking down at Jesus. "Running in to stop that girl from blowing up the school… Letting yourself get bitten to cure the zombie turtles—"

"Swamp gas formations," Thomas corrected him.

"What?" said Caiaphas.

Back at the window, Judas slapped his forehead. "Dude, Thomas, if I have to choose between believing that Jesus was put in the hospital by zombie turtles and believing that he was put in the hospital by swamp gas, I think I'll go with the zombie turtles."

Thomas sighed. "Well, I don't know about you, Judas, but I'd rather stick within the realm of scientific possibility."

"Hey," Mary said, looking up at Caiaphas, "you're the Student Body President, right?"

"Uh. Yeah."

"So you know all the school rules, right?"

"I guess so…"

"Is it okay if I keep wearing this uniform even though there's no dress code? Martha keeps telling me it's okay, but I wanted to make sure."

Caiaphas felt himself rapidly losing his grip on the situation and strove to compensate. Suddenly Jesus felt himself yanked up from the bench as Caiaphas grabbed the collar of his shirt. James and John leapt to their feet.

"What the fuck?" said John.

"Language," said Jesus.

Caiaphas leaned forward and whispered in Jesus' ear. "Listen, Jesus, I know what you're up to. From now on, I'll be keeping my eyes on you. Got it?"

He waited for a moment, then released Jesus' shirt. "Come on, Dinah," he said, turning back to the school building.

"Hey!" Mary called after them. "You didn't answer my question!"

"Peter, they're gone," said Martha. "You can stop hiding now."

"I wasn't hiding," Peter snapped, as he peered up from behind the bench. "I was biding my time to strike."

Martha's brow furrowed as she stared after the pair of Student Councilmembers. "What was that all about?" she murmured.